Tradition

The first thing that got me excited about Christmas was how seamlessly it merged with Halloween.

One day the supermarket was full of orange, pumpkinesque loot buckets, and the next day it was filled with every Christmas symbol you can think of made from marshmallow, alongside special edition Toblerones that were tall enough to enter Grade 1. I fancied sucking on a marshmallow Madonna but they seemed to be sold out.

Next year, I will be marketing edible, orange snowmen carrying Australian flags and wearing cute little “I Luv U” T-shirts. These will be targeted at those who want to get into the spirit of things from October to February but also want to keep their spending on useless special occasion crap under control.

Latest 2 of 43 comments

View all comments
 
  • Matt says:

    05:46pm | 21/12/11

    Really Happy?  Why even bother replying when you have to make up things I’ve said?  I didn’t say it would be about Muppets, just that there may be something in here about Muppets, which would be more entertaining than original article.. Try telling those religions they’re all the same and… Read more »

  • papachango says:

    04:47pm | 21/12/11

    Happy Saturnalia. I hope you give and receive many gifts as Roman Pagan tradition calls for. Read more »

 

In a few weeks’ time, most of us will be sprawled out on the floor, muttering incoherently and licking flecks of gravy from the backs of our hands.

But not everyone will get to enjoy the holiday season - from the thousands of unimpressed cats who will spend hours desperately clawing at their “adorable” Santa hats and angel wings, to that one guy who is pretty sure everyone on his gift list wants bath salts for Christmas.

These are the people for whom we should spare a thought as we eat, drink and nap our way through a relatively stress-free and rejuvenating festive season.

Pray, for instance, for those shopping centre Jolly Red Men, who must patiently listen to the most insufferable of our spawn and force belly laughs while resisting the urge to violently shake every parent in the line who thinks an iPhone is a reasonable gift for a four-year-old.

Latest 2 of 57 comments

View all comments
 
  • mark says:

    12:53pm | 09/12/11

    christmas is a stolen idea from the pagans, a little research will show this. now i think it should be for celebrating the year end with friends and family….and KIDS! some of my best childhood memories are from christmas with all the family over, all the cousins out the back… Read more »

  • amy says:

    12:42pm | 09/12/11

    mick go…...away…..please oh and youre wrong christians stoel christmas just like the comerical secular people do some reasearch Read more »

 

In a move shocking to precisely no one, Kim Kardashian, reality TV queen, perennial gossip magazine cover girl and not much else, announced yesterday that she and her husband of 72 days had filed for divorce.

Getting hitched…to a big pile of cash.

From start to rapid finish Kardashian’s marriage was an exercise in attention and money-seeking.

E! paid the couple $15 million for the television rights to their wedding special show, while People magazine coughed up close to $3 million for wedding and engagement related rights. The guests were treated to a $20,000 wedding cake.

Latest 2 of 92 comments

View all comments
 
  • Fiona says:

    10:33pm | 02/11/11

    The same goes for women. Read more »

  • Fiona says:

    10:26pm | 02/11/11

    Do we???? How many women do you know? I’ve never watched their show, or bought magazines with her in it. Yet sadly I know of her, just as I see far more sports than I’d like to. Read more »

 

Labels are the problem. Male or female, black or white, comedy or drama, PG-13 or R? In which section of the DVD store will this film end up? How do we market it? To whom should the product placement and the trailers before the film be skewed?

Hey, chicks can be rude too.

It is for these reasons that a gem like Bridesmaids receives qualified approval like “the funniest R-rated female driven comedy of all time”. There’s a glaring missed opportunity, given the ethnicity of one of the film’s leads – surely an enterprising reviewer will dub it “the funniest mixed-race buddy film R-rated female-driven romantic comedy of all time”. Perhaps with an exclamation mark or two for good measure.

Bridesmaids stars Kristen Wiig, who co-wrote the film with Annie Mumolo, and a host of other Saturday Night Live alumni. At the time of writing, it has made almost US$125 million in the US alone and is one of the most critically acclaimed films of the year.

Latest 2 of 40 comments

View all comments
 
  • joe3 says:

    02:43pm | 20/06/11

    Ka2EYl comment2, Read more »

  • marley says:

    09:53am | 20/06/11

    @Max -  In science, if you can prove an exception to the hypothesis, the hypothesis fails.  I’ve come up with 8.  And we both know I could come up with a lot more. Now, why don’t you come up with 8 actors who’ve become megastars playing the kinds of roles… Read more »

 

Brendan Brown writes “Hey God, reveal thyself!” and puts forward his case of “noisy atheism”. 

Illustration: Stuart Krygsman.

He candidly speaks about the lack of evidence with regard to the divine and light-heartedly takes religion to task for the holes in their belief systems.

It’s a given that no evidence is currently available that supports the existence (or non existence) of god. Yet both atheists and theists continue to taunt each other for evidence.

Latest 2 of 273 comments

View all comments
 
  • Anne Stocks says:

    11:35am | 06/08/11

    Another one you seem to have lost Moderator Paul Murray says…When religious people capitalise a word that isn’t a proper noun, it’s a clue that they are not using the word with its usual meaning. So True Paul, instead we are referring to God’s Truth or His Love, Joy, Compassion… Read more »

  • Paul Murray says:

    03:45pm | 19/07/11

    I love the random capitalisation. When religious people capitalise a word that isn’t a proper noun, it’s a clue that they are not using the word with its usual meaning. Rather like Scientologists using the word “ethics”, which does not mean “being ethical” in the usual sense, but means “promoting… Read more »

 

It wasn’t hard to get into the pageantry and fun of the royal nuptials. We even made cupcakes with crowns for our token wedding celebration. Our westie mates turned up, resplendent in top hats, medals, even a wedding dress.

Republican party: Pass the cucumber sandwich, thanks love.

Food was anything English: Yorkshire pudding, trifle, cucumber sandwiches and a steak and kidney pie.

My husband rejoiced in his English connections, while I quoted our Constitution which grants the monarch certain governing powers, even above other governing levels.

Latest 2 of 111 comments

View all comments
 
  • jf says:

    11:06am | 08/05/11

    James1 says:11:40am | 03/05/11 “Neither her supposed position as a duchess nor her perceived position as a princess was earned.  Why should anyone care about the difference?” You reckon she didn’t earn it James? I reckon she almost certainly ‘earned’ it more than most other duchesses or princesses. Read more »

  • jf says:

    08:28pm | 05/05/11

    Bloody hell. Just the decision making would cost billions. I have nothing against the Royal Family as such. And, I would classify myself as a Republican: if we were starting over again. I don’t by the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it argument. If we could find a better… Read more »

 

Every time there’s a party, there is someone who misses out.

Kayne as best man. After making several references to himself, he'd perhaps have time to sing Gold Digger ....

As the attending list on the cruelly public Facebook event grows, so too does their rage.

The host, they decide, is either jealous, rude, or trying to sleep with their partner/sister/all of the above. The truth, however, is that quite often the poor, uninvited soul simply doesn’t bring anything to the table. They’re boring, lame, and have a tendency to break furniture and cry after two beers and a packet of Pringles.

Latest 2 of 11 comments

View all comments
 
  • Thommo says:

    11:31am | 30/04/11

    “Kayne as best man” - Surely you mean Kanye Read more »

  • Marcus Burgess says:

    11:31am | 29/04/11

    Such cruelty from you all.  It is a wonderful occassion and it shows that tall poppy syndrome is alive and well in some areas of this country. Read more »

 

As the Royal Wedding approaches, details are starting to emerge about the rules and regulations that surround an event of this magnitude. 

In the past week information has been trickling through about exactly what is required of guests, beyond the traditional RSVP, and you have to wonder if it’s all actually worth it. 

Recipients of an invite were greeted with more than just the time, date and dress code thanks to an accompanying 22 page guide detailing exactly how they should behave at a Royal function. What a buzz kill.

Latest 2 of 117 comments

View all comments
 
  • Cyn says:

    06:56pm | 01/05/11

    @Matthew - now the “family” is NOT funded by the taxpayer. Only the Queen & Prince Philip receive monies from the Civil List.  As for the rest,  those who perform public duties, as expected of them, have their office staff and expenses paid for only. And you’ve never seen one… Read more »

  • johnnyrotten says:

    02:01pm | 28/04/11

    They don’t own the royal estates Cameron - the British people do. The royals are just squatting there Read more »

 

When former Sydney real estate agent Mary Donaldson married Denmark’s Crown Prince Frederik in 2004, one of the couple’s first, big post-honeymoon tasks was to sort through the monster pile of wedding gifts.

Screw the registry, we'll have cash instead.

Apparently their haul included five cars (including a stretch limousine and a Saab convertible), a $200,000 yacht, six bicycles, a row boat, two Harley-Davidson motorcycle jackets, a traditional sealskin outfit from Greenland, 93 ceramic badges, a $3 million crockery set, a handcrafted Iranian rug, a miniature lounge suite for a royal baby, and a 120-kilogram stone swan.

In addition to the 37,000 gifts sent by Danish subjects, offerings from Australia included an anthology of Tasmanian love poems (from a writing centre), a stand of trees (from the government) and a hamper of Tim Tams (from Arnott’s).

Latest 2 of 116 comments

View all comments
 
  • Pearl says:

    07:31am | 04/05/11

    I don’t know about Australia but, I live in Canada.  My fiance and I are expecting guests to come from around the world. We do not expect them to give us any gifts whatsoever.  The mere fact they are willing to travel to attend our wedding (even if it is… Read more »

  • janey says:

    06:56am | 28/04/11

    Yuck.  You want people to pay for your honeymoon? Yuck. Read more »

 

Such are the lows that society has now sunk to that within the Santa Claus persona, you have an example of almost every type of political incorrectness possible.

Fat, happy man or alcoholic slave driver? Photo; AFP.

He embodies everything that is wrong with the world and he must be stopped no matter the cost! 

I give you Exhibit A: his leather belt and boots with white fur trim.

Latest 2 of 21 comments

View all comments
 
  • MK says:

    06:49pm | 27/12/10

    What’s disturbing about an army of scooterized Japanese Santas? Read more »

  • nosthow says:

    08:05am | 26/12/10

    @Geoff - thank you Geoff that answered my question ! You sir are a genius. Read more »

 

At this time of year – what with all that tinsel distracting us – it’s easy to lose sight of another important celebration.

That’s right - hands up if you haven’t yet erected your aluminium pole for Festivus?

Like most tragic Gen X-ers I have a ridiculous amount of Seinfeld trivia stored in my head.

Latest 2 of 35 comments

View all comments
 
  • Anne says:

    08:02pm | 27/12/10

    Pommie “humour”, trust me you’re the weird one here. Nothing funny has ever come out of the UK. Nothing intentionally funny anyway. Read more »

  • stephen says:

    03:06pm | 27/12/10

    Jerry Seinfeld’s mother is Jewish and his father is Syrian. (Other way-round ?) Hardly Shas. No doubt the cast, just like me, appreciates the presents, pudding and the holidays, minus the bullshit. Read more »

 

The so-called “festive season” needs a new name. 

What's wrong with this picture? Christmas Day on Bondi Beach, Sydney

Because as it stands right now with it’s smug connotations of happiness, relaxation and general mirth-it’s terrifically misleading.

Take for instance, this incident one night last week.

Latest 2 of 12 comments

View all comments
 
  • Maree says:

    09:42am | 03/12/09

    I have a niece and nephew (from one particular branch of the family) who fit into the number three category. I don’t buy for them. The rest of the family does a limited cash amount Secret Santa and we’re all happy with that. I used to buy my kids very… Read more »

  • Michellemac says:

    05:21pm | 30/11/09

    @ Marley - LOL re# 4. When I lived in Europe and used to come back to Oz for Christmas one of my favourite things was going to the beach for a Christmas morning swim and listening to all the UK expats ringing home on their mobiles…“Hi Mum, guess where… Read more »

 

Facebook Recommendations

Read all about it

Punch live

Up to the minute Twitter chatter

Anthony Sharwood

"We are the only animal that actively seeks out a zoo" Good line to start the day from @jasonthetin on reality TV http://t.co/gEZ4XOiB

Anthony Sharwood

@farrm51 I gave you a ridiculously Dr Seussy headline, Mal. Hope it kinda almost sorta represents the actual story http://t.co/uLOCrOtG

Paul Colgan

@GrogsGamut for the record I thought it was a shocker and the Irish follow up feeble.

Paul Colgan

@Jess_Hunichen I think Sharon Corr is touring with Ronan Keating? Think I'll pass on that one.

Recent posts

The latest and greatest

The humourless hysteria of the holier-than-thou

The humourless hysteria of the holier-than-thou

In I Spit On Your Grave, a young woman is gang raped in a remote woodland. She is beaten and tortured…

Cash mobs aren’t so flash

Cash mobs aren’t so flash

For a moment in the mid-naughties, they were the coolest of all cool social media-fuelled meme-thingos.…

If we wanted reality, we’d turn off the television

If we wanted reality, we’d turn off the television

“Some day, far into the future, this here machine will become a powerful medium with the potential…

Nosebleed Section

choice ringside rantings

From: City vs country: What would you change your life for?

Dieter Moeckel says:

We made the tree change from Darwin to Wonbah more than 15 years ago. After fencing, a road, and couple of dams our money was gone. Super is enough to live comfortably. We have geese growing old and stringy the only one that made it to the pot committed Kamakazi by flying into a tree; the chooks are… [read more]

From: I’d rather have a piece of toast than listen to crap lyrics

Erick says:

Led Zeppelin are responsible for my all-time favourite mixed metaphor: "There you sit, sit and stare, like a book on a shelf rusting." (Misty Mountain Hop) I laugh every time I hear it. Hmmm, I believe I've decided what to play on the way to work today. [read more]

Gentle jabs to the ribs

No wuckin forries. These nuckin futs are tuckin fops

No wuckin forries. These nuckin futs are tuckin fops

Well, puck me with a fitchfork. The F-word is apparently an acceptable part of Australian speech. That’s… Read more

151 comments

Newsletter

Read all about it

Sign up to the free daily Punch newsletter