Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods is one contradictory cat. There’s a human being inside that shell, a living, breathing, joke-cracking, thoughtful guy with all kinds of normal human feelings.

But there’s also a mercenary. A man who this week privately played golf with anonymous Chinese millionaires for huge sums of money. A golfing enthusiast who will rave about Australia’s world class golf courses, and how he wishes America had more courses like ours, then greedily pocket three million for the privilege of playing here.

But if you think Tiger is ruthless in the way he subjugates all dignity in his endless quest to accumulate money, that’s nothing on the way he suppresses his own emotions. At his Tuesday media call at The Lakes Golf Club, which The Punch attended, he didn’t once acknowledge the effect his marital break-up and sex scandal had on his golf game.

Continue reading "Washed-up champs who don’t know when to quit" »

The first rule of calling a black arsehole a black arsehole is that only another black arsehole can call a black arsehole a black arsehole.

The second rule of calling a black arsehole a black arsehole is that if a white arsehole calls a black arsehole a black arsehole, that white arsehole should be kicked very hard in exactly that location.

In short, Steve Williams, the glorified bouncer who carries other people’s sporting equipment for a living, should be bounced from the golf course for good for his comments about his former boss Tiger Woods in Shanghai last week.

Continue reading "This white arsehole should be blasted out of his bunker" »

Last week, Madonna earned the ire of florists everywhere when she revealed her contempt for hydrangeas.

After receiving a bunch of the popular flowers from a fan at a press conference, cameras caught the Material Girl chucking them aside and whispering: “I loathe hydrangeas”.

Pre-empting the inevitable online rage, Madonna uploaded a video “apology”, which saw her gently caressing a forlorn arrangement of the purple flowers.

Continue reading "Hush your apologies, you lame celebrity" »

Remember Tiger’s wife brandishing a 9-iron as she chased him down the street like a madwoman? Well, he’s just been clobbered again, only this time the aggressor was his former caddie Steve Williams, whose weapon of choice was words.

A lot of people don’t care for golf, and fair enough. They’re just not interested in grown men in silly clothes with an unnatural obsession with balls and holes. Read into that line what you will.

But what happened on the golf course this weekend was so much more than mere golf. This was cold revenge. This was Robin teaching Batman about crime fighting and going home with Batwoman to boot. Here’s what went down…

Continue reading "Tiger gets bitch-slapped on the 18th hole" »

Look at the embedded video below. Not a leaf out of place. Not an errant grain of sand in the perfectly tended bunkers. Not a single majestic magnolia daring to burst forth in anything but full bloom. And classical music. Always with the classical music. Who knew Yo-Yo Ma was a golf fan?

Now, if you can bear it, take a quick squizz at the Masters theme song video. It’s basically more of the same. One of the commenters on YouTube says it’s the music they want at their wedding. Music for a funeral, more like.

Held in America’s Deep South in Augusta, Georgia each April, the Masters is the world’s most prestigious golf tournament. I’ve never been, but from where I sit, it has always looked like a good excuse for crusty old men to get bleary-eyed about the good old days, when lawns were always neatly cut, walls were not grafittied and everyone had three or four of those nice helpful slaves to help pick the cotton.

Continue reading "Why sports fans are slaves to The Masters" »

I love hot chips. I can’t get enough. Sometimes I’m thinking about hot chips when I should be thinking about work. Sometimes I hide them so no one will know. I think I have a hot chip addiction.

Addictions are, apparently, the disorders du jour. And sex addiction is the latest hot item. Psychologists are warning that since Tiger Woods checked into a posh sex-addict clinic last year, the number of people coming clean with their addiction has surged.

So they’re turning up in their millions (seriously) to programs like Sex Addicts Anonymous. Which may sound like the most awesome pick-up joint you ever went to, but is in fact quite serious.

Continue reading "Sex - when too much is barely enough" »

When Tiger played the Australian Masters last year, he was the only story in town. His every move was scrutinised and we tripped over each other to ask him really, really dumb questions.

This year, meh. Tiger’s playing golf somewhere, pass the pretzels.

But for those of you experiencing a major letdown at the lack of buzz over Tiger, worry not! Melbourne is world-renowned as a fabulously exciting city, especially in Melbourne itself. There really are so much attractions that don’t involve chasing around the world’s most famous philanderer and occasional golfer. Like these things!

Giant balls of string

OK, so the Chaser made this joke before I did. But that giant ball of string is out there somewhere, I’m sure. And just wait’ll this big cat finds it…

Continue reading "Ten exciting things about Melbourne that aren’t Tiger" »

Few of us will ever know how it feels to be as wealthy or perhaps as drop-dead gorgeous as Elin Nodergren, but plenty of people following the Tiger Woods saga will understand how it feels to be betrayed by someone you love. 

In her first and only interview with US People magazine this week, Nordergen admitted to have been completely “blindsided” by Tiger’s actions, that their marriage for her was a “real one” and that she had never doubted Woods for a second.

“For the last three-and-a-half years, when all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school. 

“I was blindsided…I felt stupid and embarrassed,” she said of her reactions to the seemingly unending revelations of Tiger’s infidelities.

Continue reading "Elin Nordegren is stronger on her own" »

So Tiger Woods didn’t win the Masters Tournament over the weekend. Probably for the best really, otherwise, just as in Nike’s most recent ad, his father might have emerged from the grave and told us that ‘equal fourth place is as good as last place, son’.

Nike’s recent marketing stunt shows Woods staring silently and somberly at the camera, as his late father Earl speaks to him in voiceover:  “Tiger, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. I want to find out what your thinking was; I want to find out what your feelings are. Did you learn anything?”

And for those that missed it the quote was pieced together from interviews his father had given prior to his death.

Continue reading "Marketing advice for Nike: Just don’t do it." »

Pssst, Tiges. I know you’re busy with the Masters starting tonight and all, but I’ve got this ripper idea I want you to hear. You might’ve thought car park sex with cocktail waitresses was mind-blowing, but forget it. This is the real deal.

Anyway, here’s the idea. Be yourself. That’s it. I could go on all day, but that’s the guts of it. Be the guy you really are. Or the guy you were, before the advisers and minders hooked their manicured claws into you.

Fact is Tiger, since you burst onto the world stage winning your first Masters in 1997, your golf has been dynamic as your off-course persona has been as dull. We fans have always kinda felt that if we were going to have a good time at an American billionaire’s BBQ, we’d try Warren Buffet’s house before we rocked up with a six-pack to the Woods mansion.

Continue reading "Tiger, just be yourself" »

As Tiger Woods gets ready to tee off for the most anticipated scandal-comeback in sport,  the great golfer will be walking a little lighter.

A little sponsor lighter that is. Gatorade, owned by Pepsi, has ended its sponsorship arrangement with Woods, who before his cheating scandal had his own sports drink.

Telecommunications company AT&T and IT giant Accenture also dropped their kept man after presumably deciding he was not the marketing tool they thought he had been.

Continue reading "Avoid the Tiger scandal by sponsoring female athletes" »

I can’t remember who said it, but when Sally McLellan won silver in the 100m hurdles at the Bejiing Olympics, someone described her joyful reaction as what sports stars sound like when they haven’t had any media training.

There was none of that tedium about taking it one hurdle at a time, about sticking to the strategy, no irritating thank-yous for her sponsors (if indeed she had any), no psychobabble about self-belief and running the mental race. Rather we saw pure, unadorned joy, with the odd expletive thrown in for extra colour.

“Oh my God, is this real? You’ve got to be kidding me, right?” McLellan said. “Did you see me? Did you see how pumped I was? I was more pumped than I’ve ever been in my life. Shit, I could see a girl passing me but kept running my own race. Amazing. I can’t believe it.”

Continue reading "Gone with the spin: Tiger and the insincerity industry" »

As the spotlight rests on Tiger Woods following his admissions he was a sex cheat, we ask ourselves ... can Tiger change?

Can Tiger change his addictive behaviours which threatened to derail his life? History is our greatest measuring stick when we look at a person’s character and whether they are capable of change.

I believe in the old saying that a leopard can’t change its spots. But can Tiger change his behaviour which has dictated his wayward life in recent years?

Continue reading "Tiger says he’s a cheater, can a leopard change its spots?" »

At about 3 o’clock tomorrow morning AEDT Tiger Woods will face a room full of “friends and colleagues” in Florida, and the world’s TV networks, to take the first step in rehabilitating his image after three months of tawdry sex scandals.

According to the golfer’s official website: “Tiger plans to discuss his past and his future, and he plans to apologize for his behavior.”

“While Tiger feels that what happened is fundamentally a matter between him and his wife, he also recognizes that he has hurt and let down a lot of other people who were close to him. He also let down his fans. He wants to begin the process of making amends, and that’s what he’s going to discuss.”

Continue reading "What should Tiger say?" »

I’ve got it. I know what Tiger Woods should do with the rest of his life, and it doesn’t involve hitting more white balls or telling more black lies.

As things currently stand, everyone is expecting a grand, cleansing gesture. A god conversion, perhaps. Or at the very least, a weepy tell-all on the Oprah couch.

Well, I’ve got a much better plan. It might not save Tiger’s marriage, but it will save his reputation over time. And boy oh boy, will it make a huge difference in the world. Who knows? It might even allow him to keep playing golf.

Continue reading "What Tiger Woods should do with the rest of his life" »

Well, Tiger Woods’ long-standing mistress is a woman who’s last name is Grubbs. Does that say it all, or what?

My friends have been asking me how I spend my time at home with a 15-month-old.

When I tell them that between Play School and swimming lessons I follow a theory called nominative determinism they sort of nod and smile politely.

Continue reading "Once a Grubb… what’s in a name and can you defy yours" »

Upon hearing that Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren wants half of her soon to be ex-husband’s possible $1 billion fortune we’re instantly reminded of Eddie Murphy’s great Raw routine after he read about Johnny Carson’s divorce.

“What’s up with Johnny?” I turned to the inside story and his wife was on the other page . . .  “Johnny’s wife wants half Johnny’s money.”

On what bizarre calculation of marital rights is Tiger’s soon to be ex-wife entitled to between $300 and $500 million?

Continue reading "Hey what’s up with Tiger? Elin wants half" »

WHILE the world has been stewing over greenhouse gases and the impact of climate change at Copenhagen, the steamy affairs of Tiger Woods have been fogging up computer screens as every day more details of his antics off the green are revealed.

Since being hurt in a mystery car crash just over two weeks ago, the golf superstar’s torrid string of girlfriends has provided a steady diet of sex and athletic prowess to tantalise readers more than any Mills and Boon novel.

What has been just as fascinating is how Tiger’s reported extra-curricular activities have polarised comments on online news sites. The saga appears to have triggered a gender divide among many readers.

Continue reading "Men and women on Tiger Woods" »

Enough with Tiger’s mistresses and their predictable push-up bras and mini skirts. Give me Mrs Woods!

While others have been marvelling at The Big T’s ability to juggle so many, many, many extra marital affairs, I’ve been sweating on what Elin is going to wear at her first public appearance.

After all, it’s The Wife’s post-scandal outfit that sets the post-scandal agenda. It lets the world know exactly what kind of woman she is. Wants to be. Will be. At least in the press.

Continue reading "Fashion for the jilted: the post-adultery dress" »

Put your hand up if you own a dictionary. How about a thesaurus, book on grammar or an encyclopaedia? 

What do you do with them these days?

My dictionary sits beside the bed and aside from a handful of smug, self-satisfied glances at it, it’s mostly a useful prop for my bedside lamp. 

Continue reading "Did I sleep with Tiger Woods? And other questions of 2009" »

The fight for gay marriage in the US took yet another blow last Wednesday when the New York state senate voted down a bill that would have allowed same-sex partners to marry in the empire state.

It follows the repeal of gay marriage rights in California last November when voters in a referendum abolished a short-lived law that allowed gay couples to marry there.

The Governator’s state constitution now reads: “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.

Continue reading "What’s good enough for Tiger…" »

Hello from the Masters, where the action is as hot as the weather. No, scratch that. Nothing is hotter than eight hours of blazing Melbourne sun.

I’ve just spoken with a 28 year old Australian golfer called Tim Wood. Poor old T Wood isn’t quite as famous as T Woods. In fact, he’s just missed the cut, which for you golf illiterates, means he finished in the bottom half of the field and has been eliminated.

Before Tim left the course in a car which was most definitely not a limousine, I caught up with him in order to paint a contrast of life on the right and wrong side of golf’s tracks.

Continue reading "T Woods versus T Wood: a golfing contrast" »

Matt Windley of the Herald Sun followed Tiger Woods around Kingston Heath today. You can see how it unfolded over the jump.

Continue reading "Tiger tracker - Day two" »

Editors’ note: Noel Blundell is a sports psychologist who works with elite athletes, including some of the world’s best golfers.

He was totally absorbed for two hours. Tiger walked into the grass bunker near the club house at the Australian Golf Club in Sydney and randomly tossed five golf balls into the grass. They wandered into a range of lies varying from the impossible to very challenging. He chose to play every ball from where it lay. No short cuts. There were no adoring crowds and he had shot 79 in the first round. Was this kid overrated?

Fortunately for myself and two colleagues Ken Berndt and Ian Triggs, we had chosen to take a break from working with one of our players Peter Senior who played the first 2 rounds with Tiger. It was chill time for us, sitting near the bunker with a couple of coffees reflecting on the day.

The ensuing couple of hours provided clear insights into the mental template of arguably the greatest golfer to grace the planet.

Continue reading "Eye on a young Tiger gave an insight into his mind" »

A few grouches have been rolling their eyes this week at the hysteria around Tiger Woods playing at the Australian Masters. I must admit to being a bit taken aback by the extremity of the hype but then you watch him go around this morning, sinking three birdies on the back nine to lead the field in the clubhouse and you remember.

The guy’s a freak.

Granted, he’s a freak with not much personality, but then for all their colourful trousers golfers are an unexciting species. The closest thing golf has produced to a John McEnroe or Diego Maradona is John Daly who likes to do a lot of eating, drinking and even (gasp!) smoking. Maradona, by contrast, was busted for cocaine use, spent time in hospital after overdoses and had to have his stomach stapled because it was the only way to stop him becoming morbidly obese.

Continue reading "What all the fuss is about" »

A TV rights technicality meant you couldn’t watch Tiger’s first round at the Australian Masters live. Russell Gould of the Herald Sun followed him around the course live-blogging the event. You can replay it over the jump.

Woods finished the clubhouse leader at six under par.

Continue reading "Tiger Woods, first round" »

Catch the Tiger Woods press conference on Nine and/or Fox Sports today? That, ladies and gentlemen, was the most cringeworthy 30 minutes of television I’ve seen in a long, long time.

I’m heading down to cover the tourney for Alpha magazine on Thursday. Wish I’d been there today, though. There are at least 10 REALLY DUMB QUESTIONS I could’ve asked which would’ve OUT-DUMBED even the DUMBEST questions the DUMB Oz media put forward. So here they are. Add yours in the comments.

1. No, but do you really, really, really, really, really, really, really like being in Australia?

Continue reading "10 dumber questions I could have asked Tiger Woods" »

This week a man who will likely become the greatest champion in the history of world sport has arrived on our shores for the first time since 1998 to play in golf’s Australian Masters. 

Amongst the greatest of his contemporaries there are only four who have managed to win three major championships. Tiger has won fourteen. 

Tiger is not just the best in the world, he is in a world of his own. Over the course of history sport has blessed us with a handful of such champions such as Ali and Jordan; but with the possible exception of Bradman none has soared so much higher above the rest than Tiger Woods. 

Continue reading "Catch this Tiger if you can cause it’s history on the green" »

It has been an extraordinary few hours in sport.

Overnight Usain Bolt ran a world-record 9.58sec in the 100m sprint, and Tiger Woods just lost the US PGA Championship to Y.E. Yang - the first time he has ever lost a major tournament having held the lead at the start of the final day.

So here’s a question for you: Which do you think is the more amazing feat? I say Tiger’s defeat, and here’s why.

Continue reading "Bolt strikes, a giant is slain" »