Summer

Every January, my sisters and I would be forced into a stinking hot car that, according to Mum, Dad had forgotten to service, and we’d argue our way to a camping ground. There we would argue some more and shower in a communal block where everyone wore thongs, so as to avoid that classic ‘70s foot disease, tinea.

As Dad’s “short cuts” meant that the trip had taken us around the same amount of time as flying to Russia, we would have had precisely one day to “relax”. Or as an adult might put it: “Shut up, you’re on holidays and you’ll bloody well enjoy yourself.”

On the way home we’d be treated to a night at a motel called something enticingly foreign like La Stupenda. If the health inspectors hadn’t been tipped off, we would race each other to dive into the filthy swimming pool which bore no resemblance to the aquatic wonderland featured on La Stupenda’s brochure (“Come and enjoy our range of superior European-style facilities with a Hawaiian feel.”)

Continue reading "Bad family summer holidays prep you for the real world" »

Just an hour away from Sydney by train, 45 minutes by car and a constant 18,000 kilometres from fashion is the seaside sprawl of Ettalong Beach.

If you alight from nearby Woy Woy station, on a lucky day you can be welcomed upon arrival by the traditional overheard greeting phrase “give us back me smokes, ya sl_t”. 

Then just pop yourself onto Blackwall Road, trot past the drive-through KFC, continue past the picturesque smash repair and bait shops, and you’re just about there.

Continue reading "Coastal holidays of your dreams: Ettalong Beach" »

When you think of the perfect place to take a relaxing sea-side holiday, I think it would be fair to say that the first place that comes to mind is rarely Blairgowrie, Victoria.

With its scenic Post Office (opened in 1947), wheelchair accessible public toilet (open 24 hours) and its exceptionally high blowfly-to-person ratio (no stats available), Blairgowrie is not far from Rosebud. Known for being the death-place of Nobel Prize winner Rhys Isaac, Blairgowrie is also close to Sorrento.

In the heart of Victoria’s “Budget Coast” section of the Mornington Peninsula, Blairgowrie is just 87 km from cosmopolitan Melbourne on what may be the longest stretch of foreshore caravan parks in the world (no stats available). There are more caravans camped on the not-really-very-scenic foreshore here than there are caravans in the rest of the world (maybe).

Continue reading "Coastal holidays of your dreams: Blairgowrie" »

Seedless watermelon is great. You’ve taken the bad element of the watermelon out - but can someone please explain why we can’t take the bad things out of everything?

For example, social engagements without the small talk. Or Katherine Heigl movies without Katherine Heigl. If they could take the seed out of men, I’d probably indulge in a lot more of them too.

Visiting my local supermarket this morning, I noted that watermelon is currently on special, so if you happen to be out of town, you have chosen the wrong time of the year to be away, my friend.

Continue reading "Sweet, sweet, watermelon" »

With Parliament over for the year and Christmas just around the corner, our politicians will be looking forward to a well-earned rest. So what will they be reading over the summer break?

Usually they tell us they’re tucking into long, complex works by Tolstoy or Dostoevsky or biographies about obscure and impressive sounding military strategists from ancient Rome. Of course that’s rubbish.

Luckily, someone in Kevin Rudd’s office has leaked the entire list of what our leaders will really be reading this summer. Some of the highlights are reproduced below.

Continue reading "The definitive summer reading guide for our pollies" »

Dear Harvest Festival,

You have no idea how excited we were about you. What music fan wouldn’t be excited about a brand new musical festival, in the backyard of the Werribee mansion, with some of the best bands of the last 20 years? For weeks everyone was talking about your line up, but by the end of the night the only thing anyone was talking about was lining up.

We should have seen the warning signs early on, when one of our friends headed off to buy everyone a beer and then didn’t come back for two hours. It took her an hour to get the tokens to buy the beer the beer and then another hour to exchange the tickets for the actual drinks. Seriously, the Gillard government could not have created a system this bad. 

Obviously queues are a part of any public event, but your queues were not normal. All across Werribee Park, lines of people stretched out longer than a Led Zeppelin guitar solo. At one stage the crowd outside the bar was bigger than the entire crowd waiting to watch Mogwai, who were one of the headline acts.

Continue reading "The great Harvest line-up. And we don’t mean the music" »

Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight.

I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself:

“Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?”

Continue reading "Bikini rules for any old bum" »

I was browsing iTunes this week, searching for distractions to avoid whatever I was actually supposed to be doing, when something caught my eye and revealed I had apparently grown old overnight.

It was the music charts, featuring sex. And lots of it.  At 1—“Dirty Talk” (Wynter Gordon),  At 3—“S&M” (Rihanna), At 9—“Tonight (I’m F****n’ You)” (Enrique Iglesias, clearly reluctant to beat around the bush).

Continue reading "Sing-a-long sex: talking dirty on iTunes" »

Channel 10 has launched its bold bid for an older, smarter, bigger-spending demographic by unveiling a young cub reporter, George Negus, who looks to have a real future in journalism.

Negus is said to be 68 and a veteran of Australian TV news and current affairs, but he cannot possibly be, as no one over the age of 30 has ever willingly worn an item of leather neck jewellery like the one above.

George Negus – if indeed that is the youthful cub’s real name – is the anchor of the new show, 6pm With George Negus. You can tell he’s the anchor because he helpfully did a publicity shot wearing what looks like a mock military shirt with an anchor motif (see below).

Continue reading "Ten unveils gun young reporter “Georgie Boy” Negus" »

Australian tennis is suffering a bad dose of the doldrums. After Lleyton Hewitt crashed out of the Australian Open on Tuesday night, it appeared the Aussies would fall over like flies.

But as we despaired over our poor form in recent Grand Slams, Bernard Tomic and Sam Stosur gave Australian tennis an almighty shot in the arm and boosted the Melbourne Park crowd. It now has something decent to cheer about.

Tomic, who snuck into the Australian Open draw with a lucky wildcard, will turn heads when he takes on world No. 1 Rafael Nadal in the third round.

Continue reading "Stosur! Come on!" »

It was the nail-biter of all nail-biters but no one could have imagined Aussie lionheart Lleyton would surrender two match points before losing to arch rival David Nalbandian in the Australian Open’s first round.

After an epic fight lasting 4hrs 48mins at Melbourne Park last night, Hewitt finally succumbed to the powerful Argentine, who confessed he played “amazing” tennis during the five-set corker.

Hewitt’s failure to secure the win after two match points shows he is not 100 per cent confident in his form.

Continue reading "Lleyton Hewitt’s agony: finally out in the open" »

Not planning on spending three hours of your life watching Ricky Gervais gamely work his way through his agonizing but compelling monologue, or realising Robert de Niro needs a script to sound intelligent?

Here’s a rundown of this year’s Golden Globes.

1. If there is one lesson to be gleaned from today’s glitz-fest it is this – smart girls get the bling.

Continue reading "In case you missed the Golden Globes…" »

Lleyton Hewitt craves an Australian Open title like no other Aussie tennis player.

It’s that drive and hunger that has seen Hewitt line up for 15 Australian Open campaigns.

Hewitt has come close to winning the men’s trophy just once. In 2005, Marat Safin whipped the spirited Aussie in four sets in the final.

Continue reading "Lleyton’s passion not enough to challenge tennis greats" »

If you’ve ever woken up on the wrong side of bed and thought your stars weren’t in alignment, it turns out you were probably right.

In a move that could have some people questioning every decision they’ve made, astrologers have announced that the star signs need to be adjusted to account for the passage of time.

The 3000-year-old Zodiac system is horribly out of date, and the astrological calendar is in need of an update.

Continue reading "The dawning of the Age of Ridiculius" »

This massive billboard for McDonald’s Yass is the funniest sign on the Australian highway network. Imagine the word “kiss” in front of it and you’ll soon see what I mean.

But there’s nothing funny about the roadside dining options on Australia’s highways, which generally range from gross to inedible to botulism-inducing.

I did plenty of driving over Christmas, in a loop of SE NSW that included a south coast beach holiday and three days camping in the Snowy Mountains. Kilometres covered: about 1,200. Memorable road meals: zero.

Continue reading "Desperate for a decent feed on a hungry highway to hell" »

The dodgiest place to go for information used to be Wikipedia.

In 2006, its burlesque unreliability was parodied on the satirical web site The Onion which suggested the on-line encyclopedia was celebrating 750 years of American independence.

This fake news story said that, according to the Wikipedia database, America was 212 years older than the Eiffel Tower, 347 years older than the earliest-known woolly-mammoth fossil, and a full 493 years older than the microwave oven.

Continue reading "Conservapedia: a beacon of truthiness in dark times" »

Are you on annual leave right now? If so, you’re already doing better than one third of Australians who toil on through the entire year without taking a breath.

And there’s a very good chance you’re ruining your break entirely.  Be honest – have you checked your Blackberry or your iPhone or your remote email account?

Did you take a call that related to work? Did you get online to check something work-related? Then you’re not really on leave.

Continue reading "If you’re reading this you’re not on holiday" »

Nothing gets foodies more excited than the discovery of a new food, for example the cheese-and-bacon-stuffed pizza burger, except perhaps a jolly good debate about whether restaurant critics should be anonymous.

Just before Christmas, LA Times critic, S Irene Virbila, was outed after 15 years of relative visual obscurity as she waited outside a new Asian restaurant.

The restaurant’s owners fronted Virbila after she’d been left waiting for 45 minutes, photographed her without her permission, refused to serve her and then posted the photo online. It was obnoxious behaviour regardless of who was involved.

Continue reading "Secret life of a food critic" »

Were you watching petrol prices in the lead up to Christmas 2010? If you were, then you would have noticed that the average retail price of unleaded petrol was going up around Australia.

So what was behind the price hike in the lead up to Christmas? Well, there were a number of possible reasons, all of which meant that motorists were generally paying more than they needed to for petrol during the festive season. Some of these reasons, as we will see, also meant that motorists were paying inflated prices in some places.

Let’s start at the retail end and work our way back to international petrol and oil prices.

Continue reading "Why petrol is so freakin’ expensive during the holidays" »

What’s your New Year’s Resolution? Do you even subscribe to that sort of thing?

Mine was to stop drinking so much but I broke that within 24 hours. Must be some kind of record. So, in honour of all those ruined resolutions, here are some suggestions for 2011.

1. NSW Premier Kristina Keneally: Stop lying, or your nose will grow long like Pinocchio’s. If you can’t stop lying, at least attend some of the ethics classes you’re bringing into NSW classrooms. You could learn a thing or two.

Continue reading "New Year’s resolutions we’d all like to see…" »

Hey you! Yes, you. Arsehole.

Thanks a whole heap for walking down our entire street in Erskineville, at 2am on New Year’s Day and keying every single car including my brand-new VW Polo.

You liked my Polo, didn’t you? You must have liked it a lot because you singled it out and instead of just going sideways along the car you took the time to dig your key all the way through the paint into the metal up and down, up and down, up and down.

Continue reading "You just don’t mess with another man’s vehicle" »

I’m devoting the post festive period to catching up on some light reading – specifically the fine print on the toys my four year old received for Christmas.

The back of her model butterfly painting kit is particularly strange and hallucinogenic. 

“Colorized Scalewing of Flutter is a new product congregated with toy and DIY together, using your both hands to portray and assembled beautiful colorized scalewing,” it reads. “[S]et free your polychrome dream in the play.”

Continue reading "Absurd capitalist dystopias and trampolines" »

One of the great myths is that we grow old gracefully.

Absolute rubbish. We lurch from being young, active and viable, too old, useless and invisible in the snap of an eye.

There’s nothing graceful about it.

Continue reading "Another year on, another year older" »

Goodbye 2010, hello 2011.

And what better way to toast the year goodbye than flicking through a collection of some of the best Punch articles we’ve posted on the site this year.

So, in no particular order ....

Continue reading "Punch list: Another 25 top reads, New Year’s Eve edition" »

It’s New Year’s Eve and I have no plans. Like… none.

The prospect of ringing in the ‘biggest night of the year’ with nothing but Channel Nine’s fireworks telecast would once have caused me to sweat in fear. This year, it’s quite liberating. Because, let’s face it, everyone knows (and often says) that NYE is the most overrated night of the year after the Oscars.

Inflated prices, awkward chanting, hammered crowds. What’s not to hate?

Continue reading "NYE: The good, the bad, and the completely overrated" »

It’s a balmy seven degrees in London today so it would be pretty chilly on the roof of St Paul’s Cathedral in Westminster. Good thing that there is a lot to think about.

A convoy of British fire trucks will take to the streets to mark the 70th anniversary of the “darkest day” of the London Blitz; when German forces dropped 10, 000 incendiary bombs on the city,  starting 1500 fires and adding to the already tragic loss of thousands of lives. 

Hundreds of people are expected to gather around the city to remember a very significant day in the nation’s history.

Continue reading "Remembering the London Blitz: 70 years on" »

We’re approaching the day where after a month of rampant, random consumerism, and with the humility that only a major hangover brings, people make their New Year’s resolutions. Bad idea.

All you end up with is nicotine withdrawal for a few days, a gym membership you have to pay $5000 to get out of, and a fridge full of rotting “superfoods”.

So what I propose for this year is a more modest approach to becoming a better person: rather than worrying about reaching for a whole lot of unattainable virtues, let’s all just try not being such arseholes.

Continue reading "Don’t be a wanker: an honest guide to living better" »

It’s that time of the year again when people begin pieces with “it’s that time of the year again” and tweak the end bit slightly to sound cool and “alternative”.

I refer, of course, to the awkward period between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

Hands grip wobbling bellies in the aftermath of a national pudding massacre as their owners ponder how they will lose the extra baggage before the all-important New Year’s party.

Continue reading "A glimpse of life in 2040" »

Few people escape the house guest experience at this time of year.

So thank god for Martha Stewart who reckons the only real difference between a swanky three room suite at the Hilton and a couple of nights on the lumpy mattress in your spare room is a stack of fresh towels wrapped in white ribbon.

Oh, and a vase of flowers. Preferably some that weren’t wilted by the heat of Christmas Eve or the torrential rain of Christmas night; access to a full length mirror, a stack of spare coat hangers, hanging space and an empty drawer or two.

Continue reading "How to have really good house guests" »

Tonight I’m going to pour myself a generous glass of red made from biodynamically grown grapes, turn the ABC up loud, and take down the Christmas tree.

I’ll lovingly pack away the angels made from old tin cans by poor kids in South Africa.

Then the hand-painted Christmas balls, lovingly painted by Hazara women, will go back in the box.

Continue reading "Giving the gift that keeps on giving" »

Deck the halls and fill the cupboards; despite the pre-Yuletide complaints from some shops Christmas is invariably a multi-billion dollar smorgasboard of retail excess.

The question, though, is what to do with all that stuff once you’ve unwrapped it?

Because it’s not like we truly need a lot of it.

Continue reading "What are you doing with all those unwanted gifts?" »

I collect snow domes. I admit it. In fact I have about 250 of them.

There is just something about those small plastic dome shaped containers with the submerged scenery and little white flecks of plastic which give the effect of snow. They come in many shapes and sizes.

There are classy domes: large glass balls with an intricate model of New York or London and a built-in music box that plays New York, New York or Rule Britannia. And the grass roots domes: tacky and incongruous. Snow falling on the Alps is nice. But snow falling on Uluru is the Holy Grail.

Continue reading "The whole world in the palm of your hand" »

We thought you might be looking for some entertainment to get you through the post-lunch afternoon slump.

Here’s just a taste of some of the great writing we’ve posted on The Punch this year; it’s our top 25 list (in no particular order):

Continue reading "Punch list: 25 top reads from 2010, Christmas edition" »

Such are the lows that society has now sunk to that within the Santa Claus persona, you have an example of almost every type of political incorrectness possible.

He embodies everything that is wrong with the world and he must be stopped no matter the cost! 

I give you Exhibit A: his leather belt and boots with white fur trim.

Continue reading "Santa Claus is completely out of touch" »

Recently, much has been said about the death of the book. Perhaps more accurate though, is the death of words themselves.

Not that this is anything new. Oscar Wilde lamented Victorian England’s loss of meaning through an obsession with politeness, appearances and crustless sandwiches.

However, the difference now is that the meaning of words is decomposing because people use inappropriate synonyms to feel better about their insufficient vocabulary.

Continue reading "Lost words: the death of meaning in language" »

At this time of year – what with all that tinsel distracting us – it’s easy to lose sight of another important celebration.

That’s right - hands up if you haven’t yet erected your aluminium pole for Festivus?

Like most tragic Gen X-ers I have a ridiculous amount of Seinfeld trivia stored in my head.

Continue reading "Had a shitty year? There’s always Festivus" »

It’s hard to believe that another year is over and tonight thoughts of Santa Clause’s arrival into homes across Australia will have many a young mind too excited to sleep.  It’s a fabulous time of year for sure and as things wind down towards Saturday, the festive spirit is rapidly starting to sink it. 

Around this time of year I always find myself reminiscing back to when I was a child and it always gets me thinking, is Christmas still the same? Overlooking the obvious differences of my AGE and the fact that I now spend my Christmas in a hot climate away from the snowed over landscapes of Europe – do I still celebrate Christmas like I used to?

Not getting into any of the religious aspects of Christmas, for me the spirit has always been that something in the air, that thing that can’t really be described but which I know exists. A festive feeling, a general vibe! For some reason though, I’m not feeling it yet this year and I’m wondering why?

Continue reading "Struggling to get hold of the Christmas spirit" »

It’s a universally (at least I hope so) accepted truth that the best song EVER does not actually exist.

It simply can’t. It’s pretty unlikely your best song will be my best song, mainly because songs are subjective and all that, but also because everyone has had different life experiences, so songs speak to each of us in different ways.

Much the same for the world’s worst songs.

Continue reading "What’s your favourite worst song?" »

Have you noticed that these days it’s not just people who sell ‘handmade’ soap at markets complaining that our culture has become too high-tech, too overloaded with meaningless information, too much about instant gratification?

Particularly at Christmas when everyone complains about empty consumerism it seems we’ve all bought into the notion that life was so much simpler and people so much nicer before the advent of the mass media. No road rage, no mass shootings in high schools, families sitting politely around the dinner table discussing literature.

I reckon it’s time we test this belief empirically, by comparing the past and the present on a few issues.

Continue reading "Back to the future: it’s a myth that life used to be sweeter" »

A wander through Myer at Christmas time, usually reveals nothing more than the depth of human depravity come holiday season.  In years gone by I’ve learnt little apart from the fact that you never get between a middle aged woman and the last set of Sheridan sheets, unless you want to make a beeline for the first aid department afterwards. That is, of course, until now.

The other day I discovered that there is something else to be had at a Myer store, apart from the inevitable coronary when you add up your receipts.  An education.

In a marriage of technological advancement and the debilitating fear of litigation, Myer has brought us one step closer to no longer having to wipe our own bottoms, with the informative pamphlet: ‘Escalator Safety Information’.  The ‘Genital Herpes Facts Pack’ of the technological world.

Continue reading "Attention! Breathe in and out while using this escalator" »

So bumpy grindy dry-rooting on a dance floor is now acceptable fodder for openly Christian artists’ video clips. Fine. Not for me to moralise. That was done here in this piece and most of you said “Pffft. Who cares?”

What I’m wondering is where the outcry is from the huge flock of Guy Sebastian fans who wear their Christianity on their sleeves.

Look at the photo above. It’s G-Seb schmoozing in Sydney the other week with American rapper/singer Eve, a woman not known for her modesty, who has previously collaborated with the likes of Gwen Stefani.

Continue reading "Can Guy Sebastian have it both ways?" »

Every year it’s the same.

The chanting starts. Rum. Rum. Rum. Rum. I pull my pillow over my head and try to drown it out, to no avail.

Cue the angelic singers… and a mere 20 seconds into my day the phrase I’ve been dreading all year is heard: ``Come they told me, parum pum pum pum’‘, delivered in the svelte motown tones of Boney M’s Liz Mitchell.

Continue reading "Oh Come All Ye Crappy Christmas Songs" »

For retailers, the miracle of Christmas hasn’t got anything to do with a heavily pregnant woman and a manger, but rather anticipated sales of $39.9 billion dollars between mid-November and December 24.

The slap up meal most of us will be tucking into on the 25th accounts for a big chunk of this spending but many billions of dollars will also be spent on gifts. 

Perhaps the scariest part about this is the billions that will be spent on fizzers: gifts that don’t hit the mark, gifts that don’t even get airborne; gifts that break before the New Year; gifts that you need to keep out of sight and then retrieve whenever the relevant donor is in the vicinity. 

Continue reading "Presenting: A guide to Christmas gift giving" »

The third cricket Test starts today. But whether Australia recovers, England continues to stomp its foot on our throat, or a huge meteorite crashes into the WACA, there’s really only one sports story in town.

It’s a story which has spilled well beyond the sports pages, and it shoots off in an exciting new direction each week, enlivening an otherwise flat sporting summer.

The story is of course Shane Warne.

Continue reading "Summer of Shane" »

About 15 years ago, Nick Cave’s The Ship Song became the preferred Australian bogan wedding waltz.

The song entered the Australian public consciousness, but the artist behind it remained lesser known and considered something of a fringe dweller, kicking cans on the outskirts. 

His gentle song Into My Arms, from 1997, has likewise slowly grown into a national song which can be played on any radio station and will see grandmothers pausing briefly to remember a personal moment from long ago.

Continue reading "Harry Potter and Australia’s Prince of Darkness" »

This Christmas do yourself, your friends, your colleagues and your family a favour – don’t tweet drunk!

With 2.5 million Australians now using Twitter, the fastest growing social networking site, the ability to embarrass yourself is only a click away.

Over 85 per cent of Twitter usage is via mobile devices such as iPhones and Blackberries. In turn, most tweets are done on the run, in public and often in a hurry.

Unlike drunk texting, which is one-to-one, tweeting is one-to-many, with your indiscriminate remark about your inappropriate boss now potentially going to hundreds. Worse still, despite the anonymity that Twitter allows through profiles, you may be being ‘followed’ by an ex flame, an unfriendly colleague and even your creepy uncle.

Continue reading "If you’re over 0.05 step away from the Twitter machine" »

Fact: You are more likely to be bitten by a New Yorker than by a shark.

Summer is a matter of weeks away, and almost on cue, sharks are being sighted, and a media frenzy is beginning.

A frenzy not one unlike the shark one they would have us believe is approaching.

Continue reading "The monstrous shark and other myths of the sea" »

If the Australian cricket selectors choose different teams for different formats, then why can’t Channel Nine?

The cricketing summer is officially got underway in Perth last night as Sri Lanka defeated Australia in a one-sided Twenty20 encounter.

Whilst vastly popular, cricket has traditionally been a gentlemen’s game. 

Continue reading "A mathematical equation for cricket commentary" »

At first it seemed as though becoming an Avatar would be a risky professional decision. I was hesitant about transferring my life-force into the body of a Na’vi alien body and moving to the planet Pandora.

Leaving earth would be hard: dying planet though it may be I’d still miss the new season of Big Love. Furthermore I hate using aeroplane toilets at the best of times so I thought holding it in over a five-year long haul spaceship flight would be a challenge.

Of course there are also immediate benefits: I would be taller and bluer beyond my wildest dreams (although to be honest I hadn’t previously fantasised too much about being 10-foot tall and blue). But really what sealed the deal was the lack of competition in the Pandora media market.

Continue reading "Why I became an Avatar" »

Bridget Jones has a generation of Chinese sisters. They are unmarried, aged 30 or above and known as shengnu or leftover women.

Shengnu was once an offensive term and popular only in Shanghai but an increase in the number of singles has meant these women are now a small social force in cities like Beijing. A popular newspaper reported recently: “The era of the shengnu is here”.

Shengnu also carry the unflattering title of 3S women, meaning single, born in the seventies and considered “stuck” (although many would insist they have chosen to remain single). They are educated and well paid but remain unmarried despite being past the age traditionally considered most appropriate for getting hitched in China.

Continue reading "Postcard from Beijing: China’s man drought" »

There is a very serious problem with the Australian open. Her name is Maria Sharapova. And it’s not her weird grunting that’s the issue.

Take a long. Hard. Look at her.

With three grand slams already under her 22-year-old designer belt, including the US Open, Wimbledon and the Australian Open, plus a long list of other titles, the Russian certainly qualifies for being at this year’s tournament, let’s hope the injuries stay at bay. But talent isn’t the problem.

Continue reading "The one reason we should all hate Maria Sharapova" »

It’s not hard to get a fight in Fred Brophy’s boxing tent – the last travelling tent left in Australia, or the world. It just gets hard when you get your fight. I wanted a fight.

I saw Brophy first at the Birdsville Races in 2008 but I knew about the tent – the round or two for a pound or two – to borrow a line from the other great boxing tent man Jimmy Sharman.

I talked about wanting a fight in the tent before heading up to Mt Isa for the rodeo, from the comfort of inner city Melbourne. No one believed me.  I’m a girl and I’ve never even done a boxing class.

Continue reading "How I started Ladies’ Day at Fred Brophy’s boxing tent" »

I’m about to perform what politicians call a “policy shift” and the rest of us call a “backflip.” Here’s hoping I don’t pull a hamstring.

In a fit of festive delirium on the 30th of December I wrote a piece about how great it is that politicians can take a decent holiday and the world doesn’t stop turning. (So searing was my analysis the comment thread turned into a debate about the size of Michelle Obama’s bottom.)

But while I still think everyone deserves a bit of a break at semi-regular intervals, I’m finding the deafening silence emanating from Kirribilli House - well - deafening.

Continue reading "Where’s Kevin Rudd?" »

THE German or Japanese languages may have one, but there is no word in English which accurately conveys the crushing, overwhelming sense of misery felt at the end of a good holiday.

It doesn’t seem to matter if you’ve had one week off or four, whether you love or hate your job. The first day back at work always feels like a special kind of hell when you wistfully recall where you were and what you were doing a week or so prior.

Talking to a mate yesterday, who like me was on his first day back after a three-week break, it struck us how so much of this dislike of modern work doesn’t stem from some irrational hatred of having a job. Instead, it’s to do with a justifiable sense of frustration at the way we are often compelled to do our jobs.

Continue reading "Too busy holding meetings to do any actual work" »

Let me begin with a couple of disclaimers.

I’m the first to acknowledge that – unlike the creator of this column Leigh Sales – I don’t have red hair (or even muted tones of burgundy) although I’ve occasionally been a little daring at the hairdressers.

Just a little.

Continue reading "Well read-head: Births, Deaths and Marriages" »

UPDATE 10.30am: The author is in a panic following the release of a study this morning that showed watching television can result in early death. As a confessed hypochondriac who persistently frets about dying he is now considering his future and will discuss his position tomorrow on The Punch.

I love television. Absolutely, bloody love it. And I have a real distrust of people who say, “I don’t really watch television”. I’m convinced that I detect a smug sneer as they say it.

My Pavlovian reaction to anyone who says this is to immediately picture the person – and I swear this is true – in a wood-panelled drawing room, sat with their partner in high-backed leather arm chairs, either side of a big old-fashioned radiogram, smiling serenely at each other. Sometimes the female of the pair is engaged in some sort of embroidery.

I have no idea where this mental picture comes from, but I guess it may be some weird visualisation of my inverted snobbery trying to puncture their television condescension at the first whiff I get. (Not sure what this all means psychologically, but I’m sure Dr Phil would know).

Continue reading "Liking television doesn’t make me a vacuous idiot" »

Anyone who enjoys making out with inanimate objects will be thrilled by the news that an American inventor has manufactured a life-size female sex robot called Roxxxy, equipped with flesh-like skin, a smattering of playful conversation, a busty chest and an insatiable appetite for getting it on.

More exciting though is the promise that Roxxxy will soon be followed a by a male sex doll who will replicate the characteristics of a real guy.

Ideas man Douglas Hines unveiled Roxxxy at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas on Saturday. ‘‘She can’t vacuum, she can’t cook, but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean,’’ he said, which may have been a nudge-nudge reference to her ability to knit, juggle and perform long division.

Continue reading "With Roxxxy complete, a sex doll that acts like a real man" »

Kevin Rudd’s book Jasper and Abby and the Great Australia Day Kerfuffle comes out next week. The Prime Minister is establishing himself as a writer with a diverse repertoire. First it was a mini-thesis on the fall of capitalism, now a children’s book involving his pets gallivanting around The Lodge.

And he speaks a second language – not just any old high school French or Spanish or even Italian, but one of the really hard ones: Mandarin. Fluently.

Rudd’s not alone in having some talents beyond politics. In Australia and around the world there are leaders who are clearly master politicians because of power they wield, but also have other special talents. And we’re not talking parlour tricks like being able to blow milk out your nose or play Wonderwall on the guitar.

Continue reading "What happened to pollies being good at just politics?" »

For sale: One cute animal that will help you save the world… or will it just make you feel better?

Charity gift packages that offer you the chance to buy a friend a goat, some chickens or even a pile of poo for a poverty-stricken family in the developing world might make us feel warm and fuzzy, but they can also be misleading.

On the plus side, they offer a tangible way of giving someone the gift of charity donation for a present. Buying a “goat” might come with an e-card, a receipt and a funny picture of the creature packed with his suitcase and ready to go. In short, a relatable image of what you may have contributed to.

Continue reading "The ethics of buying a goat" »

Let me be the first to say it: surely the entire Australian cricket team must now be awarded honorary knighthoods, or at the very least some form of membership of the British Empire.

The series win against Pakistan matches the efforts of the 2005 Ashes-winning team. Every player in that England side was awarded the MBE (the captain getting the slightly more elevated OBE) and there are now calls for Paul Collingwood to be knighted after the England all-rounder saved the third Test against South Africa this week. 

Australia’s win at the SCG came too late for the Queen’s New Year’s Honours List, but there were many worthy recipients.

Continue reading "Arise Sir Ricky, Dame Pink and Lady Lady Gaga" »

I’d struggle to tell you more than one of the titles to Elvis Presley’s songs. And I certainly couldn’t name any of his movies.

His outfits are outrageous and from what I’ve seen of his wink and swaying hips it’d it be enough to make anyone gag. 

But I’m completely mesmerised by the Elvis festival that’s happening in Parkes this week. And my question is: Why?

Continue reading "Want to be Elvis? You’ll need more than blue suede shoes" »

So much for modern hotels being soulless. Below are some edited highlights from a survey of guest habits from Novotel released today.

A guy’s girlfriend liked farms. So he asked for their room to be filled with hay.

A guest in Australia’s great shiraz-producing Barossa Valley heard about the hotel’s signature red-wine spa treatment. He asked for a bath full of red wine in his room.

Continue reading "It’s room service! Did you order the 33 rubber ducks?" »

I woke one morning in December feeling a little queasy and was instantly reminded that my tolerance for alcohol is no longer what it used to be.

I like to tell myself that lack of sleep associated with being a father of two little boys has affected my partying ability. But with the onset of a few (only a few) grey hairs, I have to ask who I’m kidding.

There was a time when I could lead the march into the dawn in search of the next club, bar or party but nowadays I’m more concerned with getting enough rest and being on top form for the following day. How boring.

Continue reading "Inspiration for staying creative as you get older" »

Are you a fan of The Wreckers? Do you reckon we’re out of the woods? Have you got your Julia Gillard Memorial Hall yet? And crucially, it is “fair suck” or “fair shake” of the sauce bottle?

The Macquarie Dictionary has opened its word of the year competition and there are six nominations in the political category. But we reckon there should be a few more than that. Some suggestions of phrases from 2009 that can be permanently added to the Australian political lexicon are below - add yours in the comments.

Detailed programmatic specificity: Appears to mean, er, a plan. But when you’re Kevin Rudd, why say it clearly in one syllable when you can say it confusingly in 11?

Continue reading "Call for entries: additions to the Punch political dictionary" »

You meet a lot of interesting people on holidays. Well when I say “meet”, I mean observing people from a safe distance and mercilessly taking the piss if warranted.

I stayed at a rather nice beach resort in Malaysia over Christmas and it was simultaneously a pleasurable and fascinating experience. I think the five stars were awarded for the characters
that were staying there.

It really was a microcosm of humanity, mixed with sand and the odd Pina Colada. In no particular order we had the delightful Poms from Bogan-On-Trent who thought the dress code in the restaurant where breakfast was served was footwear optional. I love the look of tinea in the morning.

Continue reading "We all turn into cliched stereotypes on holiday" »

If you wanted to write a short skit to satirise the insidious fan-hating culture of cricket ground managers, what would the plot be?

How about, say, Santa Claus being ejected after skylarking with a bloke dressed in a cancer-awareness tutu? That’s surely sufficiently exaggerated to make the comical point.

Bzzt. Try harder. That’s precisely what happened at the Sydney Cricket Ground on the first day of the New Year Test.

Continue reading "Killing cricket" »

Twenty20 is like a box-office smash hit – overloaded with action, drama and emotion.

And like any blockbuster, crowds are flocking to cricket grounds to soak up the electric atmosphere of Twenty20.
There’s a saying in business that you find out what people want and you give it to them – in bigger doses.

Continue reading "Why Twenty20 will knock traditional cricket for six" »

With nothing coming out of Copenhagen to rile the world’s anti-green conservatives, they’re aiming their Hummers at Avatar, James Cameron’s decade-later follow-up to Titanic.

For his right-of-centre critics, Cameron is a new Michael Moore; a manifestation elitist Hollywood whose 3D spectacular is filling kids’ minds with terrible ideas like greed is bad and green is good.

Miranda Devine wrote a few days ago in The Sydney Morning Herald that Avatar is infused with “Cameron’s sanctimonious hippie sensibility.” That’s right, the bloke who made Terminator and T2 – movies in which explosions and a Republican Governor save the day – is a hippie. It’s not hard to see why Devine et. al. are going after Cameron.

Continue reading "Avatar’s a film, not a call to take up arms" »

I’ve decided to use my latest post as research for a book I’d like to write. It’s called 101 Things They Don’t Tell You About Being A Parent. It may be called 1001 Things – if I get enough responses. Please help me with your UGC (user generated content) below, as I have three hungry mouths to feed.

The baby books give you plenty of details about the birthing process. There are volumes dealing with baby/toddler/infant illnesses and the symptoms to look out for (different books for different stages, in fact). There are books that explain how to raise your child to be happy. Others explain the nuances of raising boys. Or alternatively, of course, girls.

There are even books explaining how to get your sex life back on track when, frankly, you’re too tired to masturbate.

Continue reading "Turn the baby monitor off before you argue" »

Lucy and Gemma, two pretty little girls, live across the road from me.

While walking on the beach, I regularly meet a trio of handsome hunks named Max, Henry and George, as well as a stately old lady, Rosie, and her sprightly young companion, Ruby.

Their owners are Shane, Riley, Jordan and Tayla. (That’s one boy and three girls, for the record.)

Continue reading "Why are we giving our kids names fit for puppies" »

MELBOURNE’S Boxing Day Test has a profound effect on Aussie cricketers’ form. Some batsmen thrive on the festive atmosphere and give opposing bowlers a serve on the MCG wicket.

Other batsmen – and bowlers – crumble under pressure. Some Aussies had glorious batting innings and magic spells with the ball.

It was a memorable Test, particularly as the Melbourne crowd celebrated their Test hero – Shane Watson, who redeemed himself at the crease in Australia’s 170-run win.

Continue reading "Pakistan may have lost the heart for the Sydney Test" »

In January 2005 the public was still reeling from the devastation of the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami when the beginning of the end for Mark Latham took place.

The then-Opposition Leader refused to break his summer holiday to put out a statement about the horrific event - he wouldn’t even return the calls of the then acting leader Senator Chris Evans (deputy Labor leader Jenny Macklin was also on leave). It turned out Latham was sick, of the pancreas and of politics, and he disappeared off into the Western Sydney sunset.

At the time it seemed inexplicable that someone wouldn’t halt their vacation for an hour or two to deal with a crisis of such enormity. But perhaps Mark Latham was a work life balance visionary.

Continue reading "We all need holidays, even Presidents" »

As tumbleweeds roll through the corridors of power, federal pollies are working feverishly on their New Year’s resolutions.

If you think they’re all about weight loss or giving up the grog – think again.

Last night, The Punch received a confidential email from a G. Grech containing tantalising details about our dear leaders’ resolutions for 2010. Here’s a small sample.

Continue reading "Our politicians’ New Year’s resolutions" »

Let’s call this a pre-emptive strike, or in the least a kind of Kanye West moment: “Yo Penbo, I’m gonna let you finish but your list is unsatisfactory”. Having not contributed to The Punch’s best albums of the decade I’m going to beat you dear readers to the first critique of the list.

Needless to say the 30 album list chosen by Punch editor David Penberthy, resident critic Dennis Atkins and contributor Alison Piotrowski is full of great and deserved music.

Atkins’ list is limited only to the best albums of 2009.

Thankfully there’s not a lot of cross-over, although both The Strokes and M.I.A get on two lists so maybe they have to be considered artists of the decade.

But as always is the case with these lists it’s the omissions that we seem to look out for more than the choices themselves.

Hip hop’s pretty underrepresented in Penbo and Alison’s decade lists, (no Eminem or Kanye) and whether you like them or not Radiohead probably deserved to make it somewhere - if only for the devout following they’ve inspired amongst so many.

The best indy rock album of the decade (in my opinion) was left off the list entirely: The New Pornographers Electric Version . No Elliot Smith either for you introspective types. 

But probably the best band of the second half of the decade was also left off completely: The Killers. Specifically their second album Sam’s Town which could’ve taken out the title but in the least deserved a mention. I was heartened to learn that the readers of Rolling Stone also thought Sam’s Town ripped-off in the magazine’s list of the decade.

Without further complaining (by me anyway) we give you The Punch’s best albums of the decade.

Continue reading "The best albums of 09 and the decade" »

HOW many Test innings have we seen fail as Aussie batsmen reach the nervous nineties?

Too many, I’d say.

Boxing Day is often a cricketer’s field of dreams - the biggest day on the Test calendar.

Continue reading "The nervous 90s are all in our heads" »

MANLINESS or the right to be the opposite has been THE hot topic up here in Central Queensland lately, so here’s something that might get things smoking.

A mate sent me an ad from Ebay for what could be the ideal gift for the true blue Aussie bloke who has everything. It’s billed as “A real man’s barbecue – not for metrosexuals or latte drinkers.

“Features: Manliness, awsomeness …. free sausage fat, free spiders, seasoned pollen plate…

Continue reading "A real man’s bloody awesome non-latte sipping barbecue" »

I’ve got it. I know what Tiger Woods should do with the rest of his life, and it doesn’t involve hitting more white balls or telling more black lies.

As things currently stand, everyone is expecting a grand, cleansing gesture. A god conversion, perhaps. Or at the very least, a weepy tell-all on the Oprah couch.

Well, I’ve got a much better plan. It might not save Tiger’s marriage, but it will save his reputation over time. And boy oh boy, will it make a huge difference in the world. Who knows? It might even allow him to keep playing golf.

Continue reading "What Tiger Woods should do with the rest of his life" »

We’ve made our list, we’ve checked it twice - this is who’s been naughty and nice. And because it’s more fun, let’s start with NAUGHTY...

1. The Home and Away kids

What are they putting in the water at Summer Bay? The big wigs at Channel Seven have had to implement a new two-strikes-an-you’re out drugs policy for the soapy after a pretty unedifying year for the young cast. First Jodi Gordon was found cowering in the bedroom cupboard of a known bikie after her boyfriend Ryan Stokes (yes, that Stokes) reported her missing after a night out on the town. Then at the wrap party the other night Todd Lasance was busted by police with cocaine. Oh, and his former housemate Lincoln Lewis had a little incident with a sex tape.

Continue reading "Naughty or nice in 2009" »

Well, Tiger Woods’ long-standing mistress is a woman who’s last name is Grubbs. Does that say it all, or what?

My friends have been asking me how I spend my time at home with a 15-month-old.

When I tell them that between Play School and swimming lessons I follow a theory called nominative determinism they sort of nod and smile politely.

Continue reading "Once a Grubb… what’s in a name and can you defy yours" »

“Just because I’m a hypochondriac, it doesn’t mean I’m not ill”. Sick, clichéd, but true.

In my stronger moments I can be rational about my health, and even laugh at my anxiety around it; but when my head and heart start racing, I desperately hope that those feelings of impending doom are just feelings…

I can’t remember when I first started worrying about my health, but I was always the sort of kid who missed things because of ‘tummy aches’. I didn’t fake them; I just seemed to worry enough until I genuinely felt ill.

Continue reading "Confessions of a hypochondriac" »

Curators of obscure movie history will, if they’ve had their eyes open, likely record 2009 as the year the ‘chick flick’ smartened up.

Rounded female characters showed up in everything from straight-out Oscar bait to rock ‘em-sock ‘em horror flicks, while some of the best films of the year centered around women and their distinct set of needs and challenges.

2009’s diverse honour roll includes everything from Drag Me to Hell and Whip It to An Education and Coco Before Chanel.

This year’s femme flicks starred women saying and doing interesting things, a seismic shift from the decades of wish fulfilment pap clued-up female moviegoers have had to sit through.

Continue reading "A blokes guide to the best chick flicks" »

It would have been the 1880 equivalent of the confessional interview on A Current Affair. Ned Kelly, interviewed by The Age in Beechworth gaol was, if he was being accurately quoted, surprisingly well-spoken and philosophical about his run-ins with authority.

“I do not pretend that I have led a blameless life, or that one fault justifies another,” Kelly said, “but the public in judging a case like mine should remember that the darkest life may have a bright side, and that after the worst has been said against a man, he may, if he is heard, tell a story in his own rough way that will perhaps lead them to mitigate the harshness of their thoughts against him, and find as many excuses for him as he would plead for himself.”

The Kelly interview is one of the many nuggets you’ll find in even the most cursory of searches through Trove, an archiving service of the National Library which started this year and last week marked the one millionth newspaper page scanned into its archives.

Continue reading "Unleash your inner history buff this summer" »

Update 8.05am: The early birds have triumphed. All ten passes are accounted for. Sorry if you missed out - go see the movie anyway. Tors.

It’s hard to believe it’s Christmas Day this Friday, and The Punch is nearly 7-months-old. We’re here because of you, so thank you for that.

You may have noticed we’re a bit politically obsessed here, as it seems, are most of you. In the Loop is a movie for political tragics with a robust sense of humour (to call the language colourful is an understatement).

It’s out in cinemas here from January 21 - and the first 10 people to email me and ask (8.10am: they’ve all been allocated now, sorry) will get a double pass to see it.

Continue reading "A little Christmas present from The Punch" »

After four or so months in New York City, I am heading back to Australia this week for a quickie eight-day Christmas break. And I’m already dreaming of a bright Christmas. I might not get it.

In true made-for-TV movie style, a massive snow storm is crawling up the east coast of America this weekend, delaying flights and disrupting travellers heading home for the holidays.

My flight from JFK is scheduled for about the time the blizzard’s supposed to hit New York.

Continue reading "Postcard from a snow-bound New York City" »

The internet told me the date was February 10 1991. Which makes sense because I remember having just returned home from one of my first days of the fourth grade.

My knowing eldest brother had positioned himself in front of my mother’s tiny TV while the rest of my brothers and sisters stood around for a glimpse.

Standing silently transfixed in front of that first episode of The Simpsons we were like a group of peasants listening to the Emperor’s voice for the first time over the radio. From here it would all be different.

Continue reading "Happy 20th birthday to the greatest show ever made" »

Maybe it’s because free-to-air TV programming in this country is ludicrous, but I have only just gotten around to watching the first two seasons of a critically acclaimed US TV series I had been longing to scratch off my ‘To Watch’ list.

Ironically, Mad Men - the show set in the un-pc world of Madison Avenue circa 1960 - did more for my own personal consciousness raising than Gloria Steinem ever did.

Falling into this fictional world really rocked mine.

Continue reading "Mad Men changed my life" »

Ok so you’d never call them fashionable. And they’re really time-consuming.

You feel guilty when you get them from people you never see and they’re definitely not good for the environment.

But can we please not get rid of giving Christmas cards? Especially the ones that come with a yearly update and family photo stapled to the inside.

Continue reading "Keeping Christmas real" »

Last fortnight, I posted my ten favourite links from the year’s Well-readhead.

This time, I’m going a step further with my Christmas holiday recommendations, posting my favourite fiction books of the year, along with my top five non fiction books and top five TV series on DVD.

If you’re looking for something to do over the holidays, let me simply say: my name is Leigh, I’m from Queensland and I’m here to help.

Continue reading "Well readhead: Summer holiday reading and viewing" »

This handy ready-reckoner is offered in the spirit of the silly season for those of you with a song in your heart at the tail end of a night out. I have now been to karaoke a couple of times and quite enjoy it - I think you’ll enjoy it too.

Rule one: Full action.

This is a term coined by a karaoke-obsessed Indonesian journalist called Donny Dahono, the first bloke to ever drag me along to karaoke, who would explode with rage if the singer remaining seated, turned away from the crowd, or offered anything less than what he defined as “full action”. Donny makes a crucial point. None of us can really sing anyway so why not over-compensate with stage presence? Also, to use a radio term, there should never be any “dead air”. When you get in make sure everyone has a song lined up and wait your turn for the first hour, before taking on all-comers in a shameless bid to sing everything.

Continue reading "The twelve rules of karaoke" »

Ever wondered what would have happened if Santa forgot to turn up one year? Well Copenhagen may not be quite the North Pole but that’s the scenario that looks like playing out this Christmas.

While 73 per cent believing that the Copenhagen conference is important, only 19 per cent think its likely a deal to address global climate change will end up in their stocking.

In the midst of this misery, Santa’s Little Helpers at the Punch today attempt to spread a little joy with our inaugural Christmas Gift List for the Undeserving.

Continue reading "A Christmas wish-list for the undeserving" »

It was one of the more disgusting experiences of my life and one which could only have been approached with the support of strong liquor to dull the palate and senses.

About 10 years ago while working as a journalist in Indonesia I spent a largely blissful week in the city of Manado, the capital of the strange, starfish-shaped island of Sulawesi.

Manado is about the closest thing to paradise on earth. It’s surrounded by pristine ocean, a haven for snorkelers and divers, populated by beautiful fish of every hue, and the air is scented with vanilla and clove from the trees that grow everywhere in this part of the spice islands. Manado, however, is let down badly by its restaurants.

Continue reading "Weird stuff I’ve eaten" »

The arrival of summer brings with it the social season in Britain. During the heyday of the aristocracy, the midsummer would see “well-bred” girls make their grand entry into society. At lavish balls, witty and fine-eyed Lizzys would meet their Mister Darcys. Plain Janes without suitors would be left to contemplate their future as spinsters or governesses.

Things have, of course, changed. But for the most part, the Season remains, and is accompanied by just as much genteel anticipation as it would have been during Georgian and Victorian times. The Wimbledon tennis, the Henley Royal Regatta, the Cartier International Polo are all regarded in some circles as events at which one must be seen. Late last week, I headed to what many now consider to be the opening round of the Season: the races at Royal Ascot.

Continue reading "Postcard from Ascot: don’t forget your manners" »

I had to check that the date on the paper wasn’t April 1. Under the headline “Tanfastic – Time to strip off as spring hots up” readers were breathlessly warned that: “Sun-seekers should gear up for the hottest day of the year today as temperatures reach a balmy 22 degrees.

“The unrivalled hot weather – 76 degrees Fahrenheit – follows a mixed Easter weekend of blue skies dotted with showers.”

I can’t now recall whether the temperature reached the “balmy” heights of 22 on that April day but the story marked the beginning of the annual season for predicting that Britain will have a scorching summer.

Since then people have been warned to expect to “swelter” during a “blistering” summer.

Continue reading "Postcard from London: Get set for a “scorching” 22C" »