Society, Welfare

Ok. I am not a leading expert in world’s best practice on prisoner rehabilitation — my experience with the prison system is limited to the weekly goings-on of “Vinegar Tits” and “The Freak”, endless taunts of “Ya fat dyke bitch”, and inmates having various parts of their anatomy rendered wrinkle-free in the laundry steam presses in Prisoner.

So when I read that the good guardians of Lithgow jail, sorry, “Correctional Centre” are living up to their name by correcting the habits of their house guests by trialling a ban on smoking in cells and prison buildings, I wondered how the “Top Dog” Queen Bea, Franky, Doreen, Karen, Lynn, et al would have reacted. Um, not well. Especially that chain-smoking Lizzie.

The story in the Daily Tele reveals how the ban will allow smoking only in “designated outdoor areas”. That has to be taking the piss doesn’t it? “Sure Trevor, you can still smoke outside. Oh that’s right, you’re locked up for sixteen hours a day”.

Continue reading "Is there a nicotine patch strong enough for this?" »

ClubsNSW is set to introduce a fresh new effort to combat schoolyard intimidation, insisting on a principal’s reference for young job seekers so they can rule out those who had been involved in bullying. It’s a bold step, which ClubsNSW chief executive Anthony Ball says could be a deterrent for any young person worried about their future job prospects.

“If students have engaged in serious bullying, cyber stalking or threatening behaviour clubs will not hesitate to reject their job application,” Ball said.

Students who own up to and show remorse for their schooldays’ behaviour may be given an exemption. The thing is, some of the nicest adults you’ll meet will admit after a few wines to having indulged in some pretty nasty bullying at school. One woman I know, who is a selfless, generous, intelligent adult, didn’t attend her first school reunion because she was worried about what reception she would get from some of the people she socially tormented at school.

So today’s question - once a bully always a bully? How long should you pay for your teenage bad deeds?

Welcome to this week’s I Call Bullshit column. It’s a regular column that looks at skulduggery and balderdash, spurious reasoning and bunkum. This week we’re look at the humble loaf of white bread and its apparent demise.

White bread. It’s now seen not only as the dieter’s worst enemy, but as an insult to our heightened sense of the gourmet. It’s… vulgar.

Health experts decry its sodium content, its high GI, its nutritional vacuum. “The whiter the bread, the quicker you’re dead”, they say. Yes, they really do.

Continue reading "ICB: Is white bread the worst thing since sliced bread?" »

Punishing the baddies is only fun in the movies. In real life it’s messy, expensive, and fraught with guilt and danger. So why not outsource it?

Almost anything can be outsourced. Forget the IT department in Bangalore – companies can outsource engineering or software development. Individuals can outsource breasfeeding or shirt ironing or dog walking or shoe stretching.

People also, although they may not realise it, outsource punishment.

Continue reading "Need someone to do your dirty work? Try God." »

Mark Zuckerberg married his long-term girlfriend Priscilla Chan last weekend in the back yard of their home. My first thought was “how lovely for them”, but it seems most people’s first thought was “I wonder what the pre-nup says”.

Donald Trump can be expected to head straight for this crass territory, and immediately obliged. But AM reported this morning that after an overnight plunge in Facebook’s post-IPO value, “investors are starting to ask for details about any pre nuptial agreement and what Mark Zuckerberg’s changed status might mean for the company’s long term value and stability.”

I wonder how Priscilla is enjoying her honeymoon, knowing the entire investment world is speculating on how much she could take her beloved for if she decides to cut and run.

Continue reading "You’d think she was a plant to destroy Facebook" »

People are always trying to convince us to drink less. Think of the children, they say. Think of the liver. The brain. The money. The embarrassment of drinkwalking into stationary objects and doing that odd drunk-high-heel-tottering walk and tittering.

Think of the risk of sexual assault, of falling off things, of being caught singing NKOTB songs at karaoke. Think of the unborn, and the weight gain, and the increased risk of telling your boss what you really think or going home with stinky Ned from finance.

Oh yes, drinking is a path littered with the loose morals and lost shoes of its travellers.

Continue reading "The discovery that will put you off drinking forever" »

This weekend one of the country’s biggest fundraisers, the Salvation Army Red Shield Appeal, was in full swing targeting $80 million. I have been a healthy skeptic of them and other faith-based charities.

I learned recently while doing research that little old ladies from the Salvos stay up all night manning the needle exchange on St Kilda’s infamous Grey St. When not reducing the risk of HIV infection, Flo and Dot are next door at the battered women’s shelter. There are thousands of other examples that show Christian workers doing good deeds without prejudice.

My research also took to me to Centrelink. They provide “welfare referrals” for those in crisis. I covered half of Sydney. In nearly every case, the only groups accepting those referrals were Christian. So while church-based charities may offend some people with their contribution to public policy, when it comes to what they do on the ground, it is hard to be offended. I haven’t seen too many secular groups driving the mobile soup kitchens.

Continue reading "Our churches should not be a law unto themselves" »

Shit! Who knew you could catch Tourette’s Syndrome online?

Well you, can’t, not really. But you may be able to ‘catch’ similar symptoms from friends in the real world, or through social media.

A group of young cheerleaders who started twitching and spasming uncontrollably are at the centre of a recent high-profile case of ‘mass hysteria’. And an expert in mass hysteria and moral panics says such outbreaks will become more common in Australia as we connect more with people through the interwebs.

Continue reading "Mass hysteria, monkey men, and penis panics" »

It’s usually best to avoid putting too many statistics in a post but reading the ACTU’s report on insecure work the statistics speak volumes so bear with me if you’re interested.

Almost a quarter of Australian workers, or 2.2 million people, are in casual employment. Women (25.5%) are much more likely to be in casual work than men (19.7%).

According to the report: “Over half of all casual employees are ‘permenant casuals’ in that they have long-term, ongoing and regular employment but, by virtue of being a casual, have non of the basic entitlements associated with ongoing employment.”

Continue reading "An insecure workforce makes for an insecure society" »

Let’s get one thing straight from the outset. I am not heterophobic. In fact, some of my best friends are heterosexuals. (Oh, OK, maybe “best friends” is not as accurate a descriptor as “some monodimensional caricatures I once saw on a sitcom”, but you get the picture.)

Anyway. Up until recently, I was open-minded about people who chose heterosexual lifestyles so long as they didn’t indulge in any of their perverted hanky panky in public, in private or in their fervid imaginations.

Lately, however, it has become clear that radical straights are infiltrating the highest echelons of Western society in a nefarious attempt to indoctrinate young people with their deviate, pro-heterosexual agendas.

Continue reading "We must cure heteros of their unnatural ways" »

Dear Mr. Branson, What have you done? Seriously, what the hell have you done?

I admire your stunning business acumen, your ballooning skills, your outrageous PR stunts, I’ve bought many Virgin records over the years – in fact I still have an original vinyl copy of Never Mind The Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols. Love your work.

However, what’s this about allowing mobile phone calls on Virgin Atlantic flights? Tell me you’re taking the piss.

Continue reading "Mobile phones in the air is vergin’ on plane ridiculous" »

The worship of ‘working families’ is a bipartisan affair – all sides of politics fall over themselves to appeal to this valuable voting pool.  It’s enough to make the childless feel like drones, labouring to feed the reproducing queens.

First there was Prime Minister Julia Gillard’s cash splash for parents of schoolkids. Then, in his Budget reply speech, Opposition Leader Tony Abbott said: “My values are the product of an Australian life, a real life much like yours with Margie, raising three daughters in suburban Sydney, paying a mortgage, worrying about bills.”

Sorry, Mr Abbott, but that’s not a real life much like mine. Never mind living in suburban Sydney or having three daughters, even if I fell in love with a Margie I couldn’t marry her.

Continue reading "Welfare for breeders is a bonus for everyone" »

The other day I was watching ABC’s The Drum where Peter Singer was talking about the importance of giving to charitable causes to help alleviate global poverty. Good stuff from Singer, but out of nowhere comes a reference to Catholic Archbishop of Sydney Cardinal George Pell from one of the panelists.

Apparently Pell, at some point, had said that there is no genuine altruism, people only do good because it makes them feel good (well duh, I’ve heard that before). Anyway, next thing I know the inference is being made that Pell would rather have us walk around flagellating ourselves than giving to charitable causes.

There I am, watching the show, and I’m just baffled as to how went from generous giving to medieval self-mutilation at the behest of George Pell. Then it finally dawns on me, “Of course, this is the The Drum, the final credits can’t roll without at least one Catholic being bashed.” I should have known better.

Continue reading "Where have all the good TV Catholics gone?" »

Lawyers. They make your skin crawl, right? Bunch of narcissistic, self-absorbed, money-hungry leeches.

And judges! They’re even worse! Sitting in their palatial offices cut off from the real world, handing out wrist-slaps and lollies to scumbags.

The legal profession. Please! An awful, uncaring bunch we can all do without, yeah? No, actually.

Continue reading "The day lawyers reveal their human side" »

Welcome to the fifth edition of Dr Tinman’s Ignorant Remedies for the Aching Soul. I am Dr Tinman, life-doctor and former explorer of the Earth’s molten core.

Life is hard. It’s full of disappointments, tragedy and jars that just won’t open, even though you did the hot water thing and the towel thing and now you have to ask someone else to open it for you - which they will and then you’ll have to joke about how you “must’ve loosened it”. But you both know that’s not true. You know you’re physically weaker than them. And now, so do they.

Sometimes, it’s just easier to log onto your favourite online retailer and use any major credit card to purchase, with free shipping, a range of self-help books - all of which are available in 27 languages, including German, French, Mandarin and the hyper-sexual eyebrow arching-based form of communication utilised by terrifying teen bride Courtney Stodden.

Continue reading "Dear Dr Tinman: Should I get a pug, or a pet snow leopard?" »

Advertising gets a bad rap. So you may not like your favourite TV show being interrupted by Rhonda’s holiday in Bali. Or that “Longer Lasting Sex” billboard plastered up near the local primary school really annoys you. But, before you hate on all of us, please consider the big five benefits of advertising.

Advertising creates something out of nothing
Imagine a motorbike manufacturer who wants to sell more motorbikes. They have $1,000,000 to invest into selling more. They can use the $1,000,000 to either:
1. reduce the price of each bike
2. put a leather seat and chrome exhaust onto each bike
3. do advertising to make the bikes more desirable.

Continue reading "Five fabulous facts about advertising" »

Email is bad for you, says a US study that showed just five days away from that familiar ding in your inbox will result in a more varied heartrate. Now you might think that is an indication of stress, but according to this study, it’s actually a sign that you’re in a relaxed state of mind. 

Frankly, this is terrible news. And it’s misinformed, oversimplified and plain untrue. In fact, I completely reject this entire study on the basis of my own relationship with email - a relationship that is best described as a love affair.

Email is my favourite form of communication, second only to the text message. And the reason is simple: They both provide an excellent alternative to actually talking to people on the phone. Oh how I loathe the telephone.

Continue reading "An overflowing inbox is the least of your worries…" »

Have you envied, admired or checked out another woman’s shoes, hair, handbag, clothes, figure or makeup today?  Walked into a party and seen a woman surrounded by men and thought: slut? Breathed a sigh of relief when your ex’s new girlfriend turned out to be fatter, uglier or poorer than you?

Welcome to the world of female competition where nothing is as it seems. Competition is not a gender issue - we all compete, men and women, but it’s how it manifests in young girls that grow into adult women that is alarming. 

Female competition is covert and under the radar because girls are rarely taught that competing openly with other girls is OK.  By the time most of them hit a team sport where they could potentially be encouraged to openly compete the damage is already done.

Continue reading "Sisters are doing it to themselves… and each other" »

The Australian demographer, Bernard Salt, has calculated that of the 1.343 million women aged 25 – 34, only 86,000 single, largely heterosexual, well-off, young men were available after excluding those who were already married (485,000), in a de facto relationship (185,000), were gay (7,000), a single parent (12,000) or earning less than $60,000 per annum (568,000).

At the same time, many social scientists have observed that most young adults wish to marry, ‘but not just yet.’ This attitude is reflected in demographic trends. The median age of marriage has increased significantly over the past few decades.

A number of reasons have been suggested for the delay, including the fact that education now takes longer for many young adults and the higher costs of establishing a home, as well as the desire to be socially, economically and emotionally ready for a lifelong commitment.  Family scholars also point to the fear of divorce, and the knowledge that marrying at a young age is associated with higher levels of marital breakdown.

Continue reading "The formula for a happy marriage, sort of…" »

If nothing else, the upcoming budget week shows us the priorities of the government. We all know by now that this government is increasingly laying its political fortunes at the feet of a budget surplus and hoping that this will continue to drive down interest rates. It is one way that are attempting to deal with the feeling that the cost of living is continuing to rise.

There are rarely any major surprises on budget night: sure, the occasional announcement captures us off guard but after weeks of leaks and warnings about ‘tough decisions’, we all know what to expect. Then the sales job begins and we continue on our merry way.

The problem is, however, that a treasurer will never look us in the eye and tell us unpleasant truths. Sure, we are told that it is time we tighten out belts, but never will one admit to the limitations of both their projections or the very flawed models they are working with.

Continue reading "The Budget speech Wayne Swan could never deliver" »

Blindfolded in a room, I could smell her. I could seek her out, smack kisses on both cheeks as is her continental preference, feel the swing of thick red hair, then throw off the blindfold to laugh into eyes as dancingly brown as mine are blue.

My friend. My lovely long-distance friend with whom I’ve traversed nearly half my life in conversation as tangential as it is profound; hair, husbands, miscarriages, mothers, books, babies, crumb-wiping, bum-wiping – all tumbling out down the phone. A lifeline of succour and good sense.

I can’t imagine life without her, or the other half-dozen women who both anchor and buoy my world. Friendship, I’ve learnt, is a love story as sweeping and sustaining as anything you’ll find in a romance novel.

Continue reading "How can women function without friendship?" »

Welcome to the fourth edition of Dr Tinman’s Ignorant Remedies for the Aching Soul.

I am Dr Tinman, life-doctor and former explorer of worlds beyond the edges of time.

Before I present you with this week’s Tanzanite fragment of wisdom (pearls are for fools and molluscs), I’d like to take the time to answer a few of your emails regarding my previous advice column.

Continue reading "Dear Dr Tinman: I’m bankrupt, what should I do?" »

There is no “I” in “team”, but there are two in “workplace motivation day”, so gather round, everybody, let’s get involved!

Around the May- September period of any given year, employers will often notice that there is a slump in morale amongst their employees, but they soon discover what is believed to be an easy solution for it; a motivation day.

It’s through these months that a plethora of motivational speakers will emerge, fresh from their Bali summer homes, to extol the virtues of working nine to five, or eight to six, or seven-thirty to whenever the assignment is complete.

Continue reading "There’s no “I” in “team”" »

My son will be 15 months old next week. Fifteen months on and I’m still waiting for the stunning insight to hit. I’m supposed to have a greater understanding of the world now aren’t I?

My empathy is supposed to be of a superior quality to the childless. I’m supposed to be more attuned to the pressures of modern-day living. I’m supposed to be able to look at the child-free with a sense of smug condescension, pitying them for their lack of emotional and practical experience.

Except that it’s all bullshit isn’t it. There are many, many things wrong with Julia Gillard’s Prime Ministership, but the fact she doesn’t have children isn’t one of them.

Continue reading "Being a parent does not make you a superior leader" »

“I don’t want to alarm you”. That’s what people say whenever they’re about to unload some panic attack-inducing horror on you. It follows, then, that what I’m about to tell you is very alarming indeed. There is something strange and terrifyingly confusing happening in our world.

Two weeks ago, 104-year-old British woman Peggy McAlpine hurled herself off a Cypriot cliff in a bid to reclaim the record she lost to then 101-year-old Mary Hardison some five years ago. She is, once again, the world’s oldest paraglider.

Meanwhile, Chinese grandmother Sun Fengqin, 60, has become became famous for regularly attending pole-dancing classes.

Continue reading "OK, old people, enough of this physical prowess caper" »

Dear god, please make more people like Sacha Baron Cohen. One of those rare human beings who goes through life with his filter firmly switched to “off.”

He says what he thinks, when he thinks it. It’s off the cuff, astute and very, very funny. The world needs more people like that. Go easy on the lewdness though, because watching two grown men wrestling in the nude is not to everyone’s taste.

Sacha Baron Cohen is the legend of the one-liner. Cast your eye over his advice for leaders, given in full costume upon his arrival at Sydney Airport yesterday, to get a feel for what he does. Explaining it is a bit trickier.

Continue reading "Brutal honesty is always the best policy" »

Australia still has the haves and the have-nots, but more people now see themselves in the ‘have not’ camp. How else can you explain the hue and cry over cost-of-living pressures when Australia is, by all objective accounts, doing quite well? Are we becoming a nation of ‘must haves’?

Another report out today makes clear the blindingly obvious fact that prices will almost always go up, and it’s their relationship to incomes that matter – and on that front, the average Australian household has more disposable income than ever before.

The AMP.NATSEM Income and Wealth Report says the average Australian family is better of by $224 a week in real terms. You can read the full report here.

Continue reading "Good news, Australia! You’re actually doing just fine" »

Boys have done it forever. Often progressing through the decades from road trips as teens, to football trips in their twenties, to golf trips forever after. But any old banner will do to justify a boys’ trip. The institution is deeply rooted in our culture. It’s even got its own code. Most of which I’m not privy to, though the overarching dictate that, “What Happens On The Trip Stays On The Trip”, has spread into general society.

There are many trailblazing female trippers, but in terms of cultural centrality the girls’ trip has some way to go by comparison. One type of girls’ trip that is clearly on the ascendant though, is the mothers’ trip.

Continue reading "A bother of mothers hit the road" »

As a teacher’s kid I grew up on a school campus. This was idyllic for children but, for dogs, it was utopia. Hounds roamed free. Leashes did not exist. And the dog community participated in every aspect of the school’s life.

One maths teacher had a beautiful Labrador who dutifully followed him around school wherever he went, including the classroom. As classes were taught, the Labrador would happily sleep up the front, content in the knowledge that he was on top of his subject having heard this lesson many times before.

An Afghan who lived near the oval loved athletics. During the season he would regularly join the final lap of the 800m and was responsible for many a school record as nervous kids found extra pace with a large dog literally nipping at their heels.

Continue reading "His love of his pooch could see him sent to the dog house" »

Once upon a time, in a land called Australia, the average person could actually afford to rent a house or a flat.

They could even pay this rent with a part-time job, working behind the bar or stacking shelves at the local supermarket. It was usually enough for a little on the side, too. You know, for stuff like food and paying the electricity and gas.

Here in 2012, that fairytale is over. Three million Aussie households are forced to live in rental properties they are struggling to pay for, and most people are coughing up more than 30 per cent of the average wage to do so.

Continue reading "Rental as anything: our national crisis" »

The Australian Vaccination Network stuck its head over the parapet again this week, and almost immediately copped one between the eyes. American Airlines pulled the group’s anti-vaccination ad from its flights before it even aired.

It’s the latest in a series of setbacks for the controversial organisation, which is increasingly struggling for air in the Australian media.

The media has been exemplary on this topic, refusing to indulge a group that is full of rhetoric but light on evidence. Most famously, Tracey Spicer demolished the AVN’s president, Meryl Dorey, on 2UE. The well-researched Spicer gave Dorey short shrift, eventually hanging up on her.

Continue reading "We need a change in climate in the Australian media" »

In the past week, how many times have you sat down together as a family and enjoyed a meal together? If you had to think about it, chances are it was far less than the recommended four times for optimal family functioning long term.

Long commutes, numerous after school activities coupled with relentless traffic tends to mean that family meals, during the week at least, are a thing of the past, with dinner often consumed at three or four different time intervals throughout the evening, with a range of different menu choices for the average busy, overcommitted family.

Imagine though, if you could improve your family’s health simply by making the commitment to enjoy regular family meal times? A number of studies have now shown that regular family meals appear to be linked to a number of positive health outcomes for both children and teens, including weight control, better psychosocial functioning and improved interpersonal relationships.

Continue reading "Making a meal of your family’s relationships" »

Welcome to the third edition of Dr Tinman’s Ignorant Remedies for the Aching Soul.

I am Dr Tinman, life-doctor and former yoghurt manufacturer.

Today’s question comes from a person who is - from what I can deduce from the handwriting - either left-handed, right-handed or ambidextrous.

Continue reading "Dear Dr Tinman: Help! How do I avoid eyeball mice?" »

There was some interesting opinion ping-pong going on between The Punch and the ABC’s The Drum opinion site this week. On The Punch, dietician Susie Burrell advised ditching friends who “drink too much, eat too much and are overweight” and who encouraged the same unhealthy habits in us.

Over on the ABC site, an outraged Lydia Jade Turner, clinical director at BodyMatters Australasia, hit back at Burrell’s take on obesity point for point.

The two made interesting reading, and I was happily making my way to the end of Turner’s piece when one sentence gave me pause. She stated: “The best thing we can do for our health is focus on health-giving behaviours, and allow our weight to fall where it will.”

Continue reading "Fat acceptance might help your ego, but it could kill you" »

Once every eight weeks or so, I take a lunch break. I meet a friend, we eat dumplings, drink a glass of wine and laugh a lot. Sometimes we have two glasses of wine. Sometimes it takes two hours.  When we’re done, we might take a whip around the shops, before heading back across the park to our respective jobs and lives.

For the rest of the year, I choose to eat lunch at my desk. Balancing mouthfuls of food with reading, checking Facebook and replying to emails. Health experts would be shaking their fists at me. They say eating lunch at your desk is a health hazard that leads to mindless eating, a dirty desk and a tired mind. 

There is no doubt that stepping out of the office gives you a lift. The Fridays I spend out for lunch definitely make me feel good, and when I get back to work I’m in a better mood, more focused and inspired.  Although, maybe that’s the wine…

Continue reading "It’s too late for lunch" »

It was clear from the opening titles of last night’s ABC program I Can Change Your Mind that the two protagonists were going to do nothing of the sort.

Climate activist Anna Rose and climate skeptic Nick Minchin might have finished the program celebrating their common ground, but essentially they remain on either side of a deeply divided debate. Not only did they not change each others’ minds, it’s doubtful they would have changed anyone else’s minds either.

This is hardly surprising. As pointed out by one of the people the pair in the show consulted, Anthony Leiserowitz: “We all have this tendency to look for information that confirms what we already believe.”

Continue reading "Have you ever changed your mind on a significant issue?" »

It hasn’t been a very good week for the anti-gay marriage people in this country. The results from two independent parliamentary surveys came out on Monday, both giving marriage equality thumping majority support.

“We are comprehensively losing this,” the Australian Christian Lobby wrote in an email to its followers before the deadline, foreshadowing the inevitable. “But it is this weight of numbers that a complicit press will report, and we must win it and then pray the strength of argument in our considered ones prevails.”

I don’t think I’ve ever seen desperation quite like that before, and yet I’ve been to the only gay bar in Adelaide.

Continue reading "Australia edges closer to a gay old time at the altar" »

If a clean house is a sign of a wasted life then Octomom’s filthy home shows… what, exactly?

Turns out Nadya Suleman, who famously gave birth to octuplets and depends on handouts to feed the 14 children she now has, has some difficulty keeping her home sparkling fresh.

Read here how she lets the kids wallow in a squalid pad while she forks out $520 on a haircut and see the pictures here at TMZ.

Continue reading "Octoslum: When a mum can’t keep up with her litter" »

Dusty plastic flowers. Droning dirges. A cut-and-paste eulogy that uses the phrase ‘member of the community’. Instant coffee. Squeezed into twee rooms with bad carpet where there’s no room to talk properly and hushed tones are preferred over cataclysmic crying.

I’ll have a cookie cutter funeral over my dead body.

It’s so crushingly depressing that the most marvellous people can still have the grimmest send off.

Continue reading "Wake up and find some end-of-life style" »

An unfortunate side-effect of civilization and the development of agriculture and industry is that people often have to live near other people.

Sometimes, these people are warm, friendly folk who watch your house while you’re away, say good morning in cheery tones and resist the urge to viciously puncture every spherical object that lands over their fence as a result of your children’s poor coordination.

Sometimes, however, they are like Paul Hayward of South Wales (in the UK, NOT New South Wales), who spent a decade tormenting his neighbours by throwing eggs, stones and rubbish at their houses, sending hundreds of cabs and take away orders to their homes and even having two tons of coal delivered to their door.

Continue reading "I don’t want a lover, I just need a nemesis" »

Have you ever been to a lawyer? Have you ever been a party to a Court case? If you have or know someone who has, then you will know how expensive lawyers and going to court can be.

Yes, lawyers have an important role to play in providing legal advice when needed, but the cost of that legal advice keeps going up. It’s a bit like the big banks constantly bothering us with their pleas of how their cost of funding is going up and how they need to keep inflating their interest rates on loans and credit cards.

And, of course, the lawyers will also tell us how tough things are for them and, surprise, surprise, how they need to raise their legal fees to cope with their increasing costs.

Continue reading "Cost of Australian justice spirals out of control" »

One of the best things about life is that everyone takes a different path. Obvious necessities aside, like food, health and general education, the world is and should be our own oyster; full of twists, turns, relationships, travel and experiences.

The news that university placements in NSW and ACT have gone up so much in the 15 per cent in three years will be music to some people’s ears. Everyone has the right to further their education and become the person they want to be.

But university is not for everybody.

Continue reading "University is not for everyone" »

When it comes to booze us Aussies like ours sweet, plentiful and cheap.

More a nation of wine swillers than beer skollers. And we drink to get drunk at least once a month.

Although we know it’s bad for us, most of us have no idea how many standard drinks are in a bottle of wine.

Continue reading "What would it take for you to drink less?" »

Welcome to the second edition of Dr Tinman’s Ignorant Remedies for the Aching Soul.

I am Dr Tinman, life doctor and former Power Ranger.

I shall be the light that guides you wide-eyed simpletons through this nightmarish tunnel of tears and sewerage we call life.

Before we move on to this week’s pitiably pathetic question, I would like to thank those readers who took the time to write to me and praise my advice-giving abilities.

Continue reading "Dear Dr Tinman: Help! How do I keep lying to my kids?" »

No doubt you’ve heard the rather disturbing news overnight that a Jetstar pilot was texting midflight, which resulted in an aborted landing when he forgot to deploy the landing gear.

It’s pretty funny, only it’s not too, for a whole bunch of super obvious reasons.

Just recently, I was in the hands on a young driver who was navigating with the use of their phone as we drove around the suburbs. They had eyes more for their small electronic device than the road. I didn’t say anything, but I should have.

Continue reading "Friday Dilemma: what to do about texting drivers?" »

When Tony Abbott went to London last year, he talked up the Australian economy against that of Britain, other European economies, and the US, noting our low level of public debt as a proportion of GDP.

“On the face of this comparative performance, Australia has serious bragging rights,” he said in a major speech.

“Compared with most developed countries, our economic circumstances are enviable.’’

Continue reading "Middle-class welfare will test Australia’s means" »

Way back in 2007, while hosting British talent show X Factor, Dannii Minogue and Simon Cowell had an affair. Allegedly.  Now, thanks to Sharon Osbourne’s very public outburst, prompted by the new Simon Cowell biography, we all know too.

The timing could not be worse for Minogue, who only just announced her separation from the British football star, Kris Smith. The father of her 18 month old son, Ethan. Cowell and Minogue have refrained from comment on the allegation, and that’s no surprise. The only person worth talking about in this common scenario is the thwarted Kris Smith.

Bet you a million dollars he already knew about the celebrity tryst. People always know when their partner is cheating on them. The only difference comes down to when and how they choose to deal with it.

Continue reading "You always know when someone’s cheated on you" »

There was a chilling line in a Daily Telegraph piece on girl gangs back in 2008. Reporter Lauren Williams had a 2.30am chat with a Glebe teen called “Carson” in the article.

“Carson” explained why she and her friends stole.

“If the government gave us more money then we wouldn’t have to rob people,” she said, apparently satisfied she had delivered an impregnable justification for purse snatching, shop lifting and mugging.

Continue reading "You’re not meant to be comfortable on the dole" »

Welcome to the first edition of Dr Tinman’s Ignorant Remedies for the Aching Soul.

I am Dr Tinman, life doctor and former stunt car driver with nothing to lose.

I will be writing your new weekly advice column, with the hope of teaching you hapless infants to navigate this labyrinthine needle-pit we call life. I know other advice columns operate with the understanding that their readers are seeking a rational approach. But relationships aren’t built on rationality. They’re built on eternal point-scoring, thinking the way the other person eats sushi is weird and forced viewings of Titanic 3D.

Continue reading "Dear Dr Tinman: Why do my colleagues detest me so?" »

The party I attended on Saturday night, was punctuated by a fine Australian tradition – the nudie run.

Sometime after midnight, but while the party was still young, the birthday boy and a few of his mates set off for a swinging lap of their beloved cricket oval, while the party continued alongside at the clubhouse. 

Live entertainment is always special, and the guests appreciated the show - though not as much as the runners themselves. So far so normal you may say, except this party was my friend’s 40th not his 21st.

Continue reading "It’s not a party until someone loses their pants" »

Welcome to this week’s I Call Bullshit, a weekly look at bollocks and balderdash, spin and pseudoscience. This week’s bullshit just lobbed into my inbox this morning, so it’s FRESH!

It’s nut-free peanut butter. Yes, it’s the nut world’s I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

An increasing number of kids are inexplicably becoming deadly allergic to more things – particularly nuts. Meanwhile the number of hypochondriac adults who think being allergic to stuff makes them appear more youthful is skyrocketing.

Continue reading "ICB: Faking it -  I cannut believe it’s not peanut butter" »

Yet another study has emerged that appears to put people with conservative political views in a somewhat shady light.

The research, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, linked conservatism to “low effort thinking”. Meaning people who were pissed or distracted were more likely to hew to conservative thinking.

It’s just the latest in a bunch of studies that have hit the headlines, and it’s almost enough to make right-wingers feel targeted (and remember, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you).

Continue reading "Conservatives: Are they right or will they be left behind?" »

I love absolutely everything about getting my haircut except for the talking part. Even if I’ve been to the same person several times, I loathe pithy chit chat and am happiest when completely ignored and left alone to bask in trashy magazines and a cup of peppermint tea.

So if it were up to me, I’d add “silence” to this wishlist developed by four groups of the European Commission, to improve the working conditions of hairdressers. If the plans are agreed they will be submitted to the European Council of all 27 member states.

Here’s what they want to do: regulate the number of clients hairdressers see everyday, to stop them suffering undue mental stress from listening to people harp on about their problems all day. Ban high heels and jewellery for the sake of good hygiene and ensure salons have regular “pep talks” with staff to ensure good mental health.

Continue reading "Chopping the salon chat instead of European fat" »

Thrifty spenders – or tightarses as they’re more commonly known – are pretty adept at receiving widespread social disdain.

Admittedly, pinching pennies is a tricky business. One has to really embrace those nicknames, as well as the end-of-meal groans from fellow diners upon whipping out the scientific calculator. And let’s not even get started on those tried and tested anti-Semitic jokes.

Now the tightarse is being targeted with another knife: the future of the Australian retail industry. No biggie.

Continue reading "Thrifty Aussies don’t spell the end for retail" »

Good on Christine Forster and her partner Virginia Edwards for coming out. The more the merrier. Most of us in the marriage equality movement have known about the relationship for a couple of years, so we have been viewing Tony Abbott’s comments on the issue of equality through the prism of knowing he had a sister who had left her marriage for another woman.

We had also been told the story was stitched up and kept out of the media for political reasons before the last election.

For goodness’ sake Mr Abbott - don’t you think your family is just like everyone else’s? We gay folk are everywhere.

Continue reading "Abbott’s one lame argument against gay marriage" »

As the body count has grown on the streets of Syria, and the people of Burma have enjoyed their first taste of democracy, the number-one issue which has dominated the opinion pages in the western world this past week has involved a column by an English woman called Samantha Brick who is worried about being too pretty.

Brick, a regular columnist with London’s Daily Mail, set some sort of world record for self-absorption with a 1000-word rumination on the curse of being attractive, specifically taking aim at her female friends (and ex-friends) for being intimidated by her apparently stunning looks.

The column was a shining demonstration of first world problems. Brick talked about how she dreaded going to dinner parties and would even dress as a frump so as to not show up the other poor women in attendance, who even then would pale in comparison to her untameable beauty.

Continue reading "Samantha Brick’s first world problem" »

If you’re reading this on your break at work this Easter Monday, commiserations. If you worked over the weekend, or on Good Friday, double commiserations.

For many Australians Easter is a solemn religious occasion, for others it a chance to spend four uninterrupted days with family, or to visit relatives interstate. Like Christmas Day, it is a safety valve that reduces some of the pressures of work, and allows us to focus on the deeper values that we sometimes forget in the day to day flurry of activity.

Those of you who run our public transport, or staff our emergency rooms, or the restaurants and cafes that feed the rest of us over Easter - thanks.

Continue reading "Spare a thought for those who worked this Easter" »

A few weeks back we got the note home from school that every parent fears: “Please come in for a chat about your child’s behaviour in class.” Jack is a gorgeous eight-year-old: kind, funny, affectionate and busy.

He asks great questions like “Do ladies wake up pregnant, or do they get pregnant in the morning?” (Our answer for that one was “Both”.)

Problem is, he’s not really a natural scholar (takes after his Dad). And instead of doing his work this year, he’s been busily making a name for himself as the class clown. It was one of those all-too-frequent moments when you realise parenting should also be known as “muddling-through-with-absolutely-no-idea-what-you’re-doing”.

Continue reading "So, this parenting thing. Anyone mastered it yet?" »

Love is a bitch to find. If you believe Hollywood, it’s there for the taking – lurking in Central Park, where his dog sniffs at your dog and you chat and go for coffee… blah, blah, blah.

Or it’s in a bookshop – one of those cosy, little word-worthy places, where you reach for Eckhart Tolle and he reaches for Paul Theroux and so ensues a darling discussion, and you go back to his place and fall into bed and live happily ever after. Oh, please.

Don’t get me started on nightclubs, those palaces of fleeting promises. They’re a travesty to romance, great for a boogie or a one-nighter, but no friend of mine, gay or straight, has ever found enduring love on a grubby dance floor. Congrats if you have, here’s a wet wipe.

Continue reading "Are your friends looking for love in all the wrong places?" »

When historians write about the National Year of Reading 2012, they will remember a time when the nation embraced the beauty of the book, spread the word about the benefits of reading, encouraged the pastime among children… Oh, and binned the Queensland Premier’s Literary Awards.

“Newman!”

Campbell Newman is fast turning me into Jerry Seinfeld. And if this act of aggression towards the arts is an indication of the LNP’s stance on the importance of culture in Queensland (now the only state in Australia without a state-sponsored literary prize) then his tenure as Premier will be characterised by the same catchphrase as Seinfeld, by me at least.

Continue reading "A big cost for a small saving" »

Welcome to this week’s I Call Bullshit, a regular column on spin and skulduggery, pseudoscience and shenanigans. This week we’re looking at Mattel’s decision to make a bald Barbie.

Bald Barbie – or bald-friend-of-Barbie – will be distributed in hospitals to kids with cancer, or other conditions which make them lose their hair. Mattel said it “demonstrates Mattel’s commitment to encourage play as a respite for children in the hospital and bring joy to children in need”. Aw.

Mattel are responding to a Facebook page calling for a bald doll to help all children suffering hairloss, and only the cynical would suggest it was also responding to the February announcement that Barbie’s main competitors – Bratz and Moxie Girlz dolls – would be getting hairless friends.

Continue reading "ICB: Barbie exists to make children feel normal" »

It’s the Saturday morning of the Queensland election and I’ve just boarded a Virgin flight to Sydney. As embarking passengers jostle to stow their luggage, I wonder who my travelling companions will be: young or old, tourists or business travellers, chatty or silent? I rather enjoy the ‘lucky dip’ of travelling on planes.

A well-dressed, middle-aged couple approach and indicate that ‘this’ is their row. After take-off, we exchange some mild pleasantries, but spend rest of the flight in amicable silence. As Sydney Harbor comes into view, the woman leans across her dozing husband and asks, “What are you doing in Sydney, today?”

“I’m giving a speech for Dying with Dignity,” I reply, with some trepidation. “Euthanasia?” she says, eyes widening. “Are you for or against?”

Continue reading "Take control of your own death before it’s too late" »

Gym burn-out can strike at any time.  And it might not even be your hamstring or your Achilles that gives out – but rather your eyeballs. My gym has more make-up on show than the ground floor of Myer; and the fashion is the closest you’ll get to psychedelia this side of the law. 

One day it’s all too much – you know you’ve got to get off that rubber road to nowhere.

Just like dogs used to eat scraps, we used to exercise in clothes that weren’t really good enough for any other activity.  But it’s a rare sight these days to see an independent soul out exercising in some kit that the Salvos would turn down.

Continue reading "When you wear the right pants the ball is in your court" »

Geez money is an ugly business.

Today’s example: Mirlande Wilson, the 37 year-old Haitian immigrant who claims she will not be sharing her winnings of the $US100 million lottery, despite having participated in a syndicate with her McDonalds colleagues.

The mother of seven told the New York Post that the winning ticket was purchased on a separate day and had nothing to do with the syndicate. But that’s not how her co-workers remember it.

Continue reading "Who wants to be a millionaire? Everyone!" »

Down your beers, out-drink and out-fight your mates. Get smashed on the weekends and impress every second chick you meet at a club. Be emotionless, aggressive and show no weakness.

This tough Aussie bloke image has led a dominant social construction of manliness in Australia and sends a message that men don’t and shouldn’t struggle with stress, get depression, anxiety or any mental health issues. But if you do, the antidote to that is a bucket full of cement and some “hardening the f—k up” and she’ll be ‘right.

We’re a nation so obsessed with demanding our blokes be “bullet proof” that it is literally killing us. For many, suicide is an easier option than admitting that you’re having a tough time and need a bit of help.

Continue reading "Men: Soften the f—k up!" »

When I gave birth to my second gorgeous son six weeks ago, the first question some asked when they heard our happy news was: “So are you going to try again for a girl?”

Umm, how about you give the epidural time to wear off and let me enjoy my beautiful, healthy baby boy before telling me that somehow my world is not complete because I have only produced babies featuring both an X and Y chromosome.

Admittedly I have only had two children of the same sex, not seven like Tumut couple Andrew and Jodi McMahon who appeared on 60 Minutes on Sunday night documenting their desperate bid for a baby girl.

Continue reading "Choosing your baby’s sex is selfish beyond belief" »

In the movie Into the Wild, screened on SBS this weekend, 23 year old Christopher McCandless abandons his possessions, burns his birth certificate, gives his life savings to charity and hitchhikes his way to Alaska.

It’s a bold and somewhat romantic journey of self-discovery about fighting the inner demon, across a variety of incredibly picturesque parts of rural America. A kind of idyllic and over-blown version of what many people experience as they come of age in their twenties. Except that in this version, the journey of self-discovery ends in tragedy.

After three years on the road, and several encounters with people from all walks of life, McCandless dies starving, alone and trapped in the wilderness, having just realised that the secret to real happiness is a life that’s shared with others.

Continue reading "Happiness begins at 33" »

This column is part of a monthly series on what’s happening in China from a political, social, environmental, music and arts perspective. If you’d like to contribute to the series, know of some great links, websites, magazines, contacts or just harbour a passion for China, feel free to drop me a line: lucy@thepunch.com.au.

Being an Australian of European background, I stand out instantly in China.

Such is the feeling of isolation in the crowd, though - the looks of intrigue, the whirlwind of Chinese characters and the confusion of rapid native conversations - to see another foreigner is almost always a source of comfort.

I’ve quickly found, in that moment, the attraction of the familiar inevitably draws out three questions in English.

Continue reading "ChinaWatch: When in Beijing… order in English" »

Remember when you were a kid and the bogeyman kept you awake at night?

No matter how many times mum said he didn’t exist, you’d still expect him to come out of the wardrobe and eat you up.

Australia has a bogeyman. His face changes every few decades: once he was Russian, then he was Asian.

Continue reading "There’s no such thing as the bogeyman, just a scapegoat" »

Angela is so not “me”. I’m definitely a Clementine. Maybe a Rebecca. Seraphina at a pinch, especially on the days I wear stripes and drink rosé and lounge on a yacht – which, of course, is never. But I would if I wasn’t called Angela.

Sorry, Mum, but Angela is a library monitor’s name. It’s capable and no-nonsense – which I am, I suppose. But how was I ever going to pull off whimsical with those thudding syllables? An-Ge-La. Like ‘potato’ or “phlegmatic”, it’s a word that sulks rather than skips off the tongue.

My husband is similarly burdened. Think of an English name beginning with N, popular in the ’60s and often suffixed with the expression “no friends”. Poor bugger. He’s so not his name. He’s a Tom, a Will, a Sam. A belly laugh of a man living under a dullard’s name.

Continue reading "Angela by any other name would be as sweet" »

To hundreds of thousands of workers manufacturing denim, the term “killer jeans” has quite a different meaning than a great-fitting pair of pants. Sandblasting is a denim production technique commonly used to give the “worn-out-look” to jeans. It is deadly.

Sandblasting is known to cause serious lung diseases such as silicosis, a potentially fatal pulmonary disease caused by the inhalation of silica dust. Sandblasting-induced silicosis has now resulted in more than 100 documented fatalities amongst denim workers. Yet there is no reason for the production of denim fashion to come at the cost of human lives.

This week, Deadly Denim, a new report by the Clean Clothes Campaign investigating seven factories in Bangladesh, revealed that jeans brands including Levi’s, Lee, Diesel, Esprit and Zara, all of whom claim to have banned sandblasting, are still using factories which employ this deadly technique. The investigation finds that manual sandblasting still takes place - often at night, allegedly to avoid detection.

Continue reading "Those blasted jeans makers make a killing out of denim" »

Those who claim centre-based care is no longer a relevant childcare solution for busy working families need to be mindful of a few facts.

We now have more Australian children in approved childcare services than at any time in our nation’s history. We have, in fact, seen a massive 36 per cent increase in the number of approved childcare services since Labor came to Government. That includes over 500 new centres opening in the last year alone.

And of course with our increase of the childcare rebate from 30 to 50 per cent of parents’ out-of-pocket costs and an increase in the cap from $4354 - as it was under the Howard Government - to $7500 per child per year, childcare affordability has markedly improved.

Continue reading "Don’t be fooled: the childcare pie is no magic pudding" »

A deranged TV anchor threatens to kill himself, then resurrects his career by ranting and raving on television, screaming his new catchcry – I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

This is the “mad prophet of the airwaves” Howard Beale (Peter Finch) in the 1976 flick Network, in which “a TV network cynically exploits a deranged ex-TV anchor’s ravings and revelations about the media for their own profit”.

Liberal Senator Cory Bernardi sees this as a rage to aspire to. He calls the performance, in which Beale inspires people to throw open their windows and shout their madness into the street, as ‘mesmerising’ and says “perhaps it’s time for the concerned citizens of Australia to do the same thing”.

Continue reading "Are you mad as hell and not going to take it anymore?" »

The problem with studies like Social Cities from Melbourne’s Grattan Institute is that they cling to old-fashioned notions of social norms. Like the difference between suburban and city life and what it means to be part of a community.

According to their research, the fact that 25 per cent of Australian city dwellers live in single occupancy households, shows a heightened increase in the national experience of loneliness and isolation. But just because a person lives alone, does not mean that they are lonely.

Ask anyone who might be sharing with their extended family right now, or living in a share house. To people like this, the idea of living alone and having your own space is a luxury. You get to come home to a house just the way you left it, have full ownership of the contents of your fridge and never have to fight over the remote.

Continue reading "City life is far from lonely" »

Imagine an Australian child is orphaned overseas. The local Government appoints him a legal guardian. The first thing the guardian does is take the boy to jail-like conditions in a remote location where he will stay indefinitely.

Would our headlines call this barbaric? Would there be outcry: children shouldn’t be treated this way? Surely he needs a comforting environment, surely there’s a better place for the boy than a detention centre? Why does he need to be so far from people who speak his language, people who could give him some support? Doesn’t he need a carer, maybe a counselor more than a guard?

It would no doubt be a scandal.

Continue reading "Locking up children is not making us safer" »

Reflecting on the responses to my original piece in The Punch Instead of sandstone unis, what about iron ore ones? I was struck by the extent to which the respondents viewed university education stereotypically; on the one hand as an elitist institution, out of touch with society’s needs; on the other, as a factory for young people who should be trained to do useful stuff, like engineering.

The thought that an Arts education had anything to offer was broadly dismissed. People seemed more interested in comparing the philanthropic culture of individuals in the United States business sector to Australian philanthropy, but the notion that a company could also be a social actor was not accepted.

Support university incomes and you guarantee university flexibility to respond to the expectations of their community.

Continue reading "The mining industry could graduate to a whole new level" »

Jason Akermanis – former footballer and king of indelicate comments – caused an unseemly furore in the AFL world this week. He questioned the appropriateness of a state funeral for the universally adored Jim Stynes, who died after a long battle with cancer on Tuesday.

It won’t surprise you to hear that Akermanis copped it from all quarters, with former Melbourne captain Brad Green summing it up best on Twitter: “Aker, you are a tosser!!! Show respect.”

It might surprise you to hear, though, that I get where Akermanis is coming from.

Continue reading "There’s nothing common about state funerals" »

How things have changed. When Jane Maas, a real life Mad Woman among the first wave of females to crack New York adland, started out in the ‘60s, women were were fired if they got pregnant and they were mainly secretaries – and if they did work on accounts it was only for domestic goods - and a client even once asked sympathetically of Maas: “Have you forgotten your steno (stenography/note-taking) pad, dear?’’ She was running the account at the time.

But that was the 1960s, and the women’s movement had yet to flex its typing-toned muscles. Today, it just seems ridiculous that they would be treated this way in the workplace.

Maas was one of the first working mothers in the industry, and despite the fact that its corridors of power were skirt-free zones she toughed it out and has written the tale Mad Women: The other side of Madison Avenue in the 1960s.

She made for fascinating listening on ABC radio recently when she confessed that in the wake of the outlandish hit series Mad Men, she is routinely asked “Were women really treated that badly? Were all those three-martini lunches real and was there all that sex in the office?’’ The answer to all three, she said, was ‘‘most definitely yes’‘.

Continue reading "Being a working mum is actually good for your health" »

Every week a newsletter is emailed from my five-year-old’s public school letting parents know which students have received merit certificates from the principal.

Recipients from kindergarten classes in recent weeks have included Plaitsy Bobsocking*, Pipsqueak Toothmissing and Willful Bumworder who have been recognised for, among other things, “improved listening”, “trying to complete their work on time” and “teaching the class about finger spaces”.

Students from older grades are acknowledged for citizenship, efforts in modern Greek, and – my personal favourite – exhibiting enthusiasm and maturity towards fractions and decimals.

Continue reading "This week’s award for not snarking over praising kids…" »

Lots of young women revere Germaine Greer for all that she has achieved in the name of the women’s rights movement.

Lately, many of these same young women have been looking to Greer, and others of her ilk, for a fresh approach to the women’s movement of the future. For a new path that feels right in our new world where, for many of us, times have changed. A new feminism, if you like.

Last night’s Q and A performance proved one thing: Greer’s no longer our woman. After a few minutes of solid and complimentary assessment of Gillard’s struggle for leadership, and policy initiatives, Greer took an extraordinarily shallow, un-sophisticated and un-intelligent shot at the size of the PM’s backside and the poor cut of her jacket.

Continue reading "Greer smear on the PM’s rear" »

The latest death from a police Taser in Sydney shows the need for the whole community to start asking some tough questions about the ever-expanding use of these weapons by police forces across Australia.

Tasers have been presented by law enforcement agencies and their Police Ministers as “non-lethal” alternatives to firearms. However the figures on Taser use in NSW and across the world show that they are often lethal, and do not displace firearms use.

Back in 2008 when the NSW government made the decision to trial Tasers, the public was told they would reduce the use of firearms.

Continue reading "Stop! Or I’ll pump 50, 000 volts into your back" »

The medical qualifications of Chief Opposition Whip Warren Entsch extend to “railway porter, insurance clerk, real estate salesman, fitter and turner with a mining company, grazier, and crocodile farmer.”

A doctor he ain’t, but there he was on AM this morning examining the entrails of Labor MP Craig Thomson.

Thomson has a doctor’s certificate excusing him from this week of parliamentary sittings because of “abdominal pain”. This has become quite an issue because of a number of complicating factors:

Continue reading "When is a sickie not simple? When you’re Craig Thomson" »

I have been asked by The Punch to offer a different point of view about Muslims in Australia. Being a white, Christian, male living in Australia’s most populated Muslim suburb, I should be the most vilified person in Australia according to some fellow Punchers.

Well the truth is, I’m not.

My background has many different layers and stepping stones to it. I was born in the mid 80s in Broken Hill to a dad that was local and a mum that was from Wilcannia. Growing up, she was one of the only few white families in town but never had a bad word to say about Aborigines, irrespective of how the situation is there now.

Continue reading "I’m white, Christian and live happily among Muslims" »

Mum once told me that a person should never cut their nails at night.

Although she never gave a specific reason, I still perform all nail-clipping activities before sunset.

Presumably, something terrifying happens, like an earthquake or the opening of a portal to the set of Two and a Half Men.

Continue reading "Things my mother taught me that still ring true" »

Social media has relieved us of many humdrum and antiquated things. Address books, actually meeting up with friends, speaking on the telephone and handwriting invitations.

Yet the more we use it, the more it feels right to blame sites like Facebook for increased feelings of social ill will. It’s started to make us feel bad.

As Forbes columnist Anussay Hossain puts it, we’ve turned into a bunch of “public glory addicts”. And the results are far from attractive.

Continue reading "OMG. A social media site that’s not about your ego!" »

Are there some exes you never get over? He was dark, he was exceptionally handsome, he was better bred than half the entries in Debrett’s, and he came down in a ute from Hamilton.

Merlin was the kind of dog that other dog lovers coveted. He inspired copycat purchases amongst our friends. It was like dating the hottest guy at the SLSC over January. Every time you went to the dog park, people looked - it felt good.

He was smart as a whip, he had eyes that could make strangers do his bidding, and he was loyal in that doggy way to which humans can only aspire. Yet he managed to retain just a little bit of mystery. Just enough so you didn’t feel you had his balls in the drawer – which wasn’t surprising since they were in a wheelie bin behind the vet’s somewhere.

Continue reading "A bit of a bitch, and an ex I’ll never get over" »

Bold and The Beautiful eat your heart out. Gina Rinehart’s family saga has all the ingredients of a gripping soapie: money, power, drama, threats and fierce sibling rivalry.

It’s a fantastic combination if you like that kind of thing. Every day there’s another new twist and feisty morsel of accusation and blame.

What a pity it’s nobody else’s business.

Continue reading "Keep conflict where it belongs, in the family" »

Dry ice. Wrong in so many ways. Wrong in an 80s dance floor sort of way. Wrong in a dodgy magic tricks sort of way. Yes, it keeps things super cold. But it can also be used as a bomb.

And as a casual teacher found out the hard way, it can also burn students’ hands if you make them hold it. The NSW casual teacher has been sacked after he dared his science students to hold the -78.5 C highly compressed carbon dioxide for as long as possible. Two students were hospitalised with minor burns. One may need a skin graft.

Teachers do great work. Well, some teachers do great work. But for every barbaric YAWP, Joe Clark, and Louanne Johnson there’s someone who’s a stale bikkie short of a staffroom tin.

Continue reading "Teachers that need to be taught a lesson" »

Note to the whingers: having a cleaner does not make you a snob. It does not mean you have tickets on yourself or that you can’t keep house.

It also does not mean that you are rich and wildly successful. Or that you want people to think that you are rich and wildly successful.

It’s 2012. People have cleaners because they’re busy and paying someone else to do the vacuuming works for them.

Continue reading "Having a cleaner doesn’t make you Lady Muck*" »

During the early 1900s, at a time of increasing unrest over economic, social and political inequality for women, International Women’s Day was born. Now etched in our calendars, March 8th has even become an official holiday in some countries.

The day celebrates both the achievements and the vital contribution women make in society. It’s also a recognition of the role feminism has played in exposing sexual violence and seeking solutions to combat this problem. A problem that is yet to be abated.

The release late last month of the UN Secretary-general’s report on sexual violence during conflict, named military forces, militia and other armed groups as serious offenders in a large number of countries. Sexual violence was noted to have hampered peace building in places such as Timor Leste, Sierra Leone and Bosnia and featured in civil unrest in Egypt and Syria.

Continue reading "It’s time to speak out about the unspeakable" »

Research released this week by the Centre for Alcohol Policy Research (CAPR) shows that 95 per cent of people are unable to correctly identify safe alcohol drinking levels.

This suggests that only a small minority of Australians is aware of or concerned about short- and long-term harms associated with excessive and prolonged drinking.

Not only are people ignorant of the risks, they are reluctant to be honest about how much they drink – with themselves, their family and friends, and with their doctor.

Continue reading "Take off your boozing beer goggles and admit the truth" »

Ever wondered about the origins of all that stuff you’re wearing and eating? Australian school kiddies have. And – according to new research – gazillions of ‘em think cotton socks come from animals and yoghurt comes from plants.

Since this jaw-dropping news broke on Monday, the international commentariat has erupted with mighty geysers of parent-bashing, school-bashing and just a little bit of (metaphorical) youth-of-today-bashing.

Certainly I shudder to think from what part of a cow, sheep or hirsutely testicled boar a schoolchild thinks it is possible to extract a pair of socks. And what about these yoghurt trees? Growing alongside the butter bushes, custard vines and cheese slice plantations, are they?

Continue reading "If only yoghurt grew on trees" »

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
Gloria Steinem, 1969

I love how old-fashioned this Gloria Steinem quote seems today. Women’s lives have changed dramatically over the past forty years.

This is especially true here in Australia, where women and men of my generation have grown up as equals.

Our notions of being held back are focused inward. We are self-reliant, independent and act with genuine ambition on our own terms. We are free to make our own choices, and spend our lives with people who encourage them.

Continue reading "On International Women’s Day, let’s thank the blokes" »

I can feel the prod of pitchforks, the heat of flaming torches and suction of rampant breast pumps to nether regions already, but here goes.

A. I am no prude, and
B. I’m not a woman, so
C. I’ve never had a baby (Where’s the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?”) So obviously therefore,
D. I’ve never breastfed.

There. A few disclaimers to hopefully delay said prodding, heat and suction. I understand the evolutionary purpose of breasts, that they shouldn’t be sexualized, I get the whole feeding is natural, women shouldn’t be ashamed, blah blah, I get and concur with all of that.

What I don’t get and strongly un-concur with is why a woman would choose to graphically breastfeed her baby in a crowded city café at lunchtime (ours as well as the baby’s apparently).

Continue reading "I don’t mind breastfeeding, but I’m trying to eat here" »

Two minute nuptials and a slap up lunch at the International House of Pancakes. She fixed his hearing aid and he called her “Mama”.

It wouldn’t make the pages of Belle bridal magazine, but efficiency not glamour, was the order of the day for the world’s oldest married couple.

After 18 years together, 95 year-old Lillian Hartley and 98 year-old Allan Marks, tied the knot at Riverside county office in Palm Springs, California.

Continue reading "Here comes the bride, Zimmer frame and all" »

This week I received some bad news. OK, it wasn’t as worrisome as misplacing a child, but it was worse than having a bird poo on my head – which also happened.

Anyway, grab the tissue box because it’s a biggie. Here goes… I can’t wear black. Yep, I can no longer wear the colour that makes you look slim, hides bulges and camouflages bolognese spills (a more frequent occurrence than I’d care to admit). LBD? Gone. Skinny black jeans? Finito. Timeless Audrey Hepburn style turtleneck? History.

This news was delivered by wardrobe consultant Sally Souter, a no-nonsense lady who solves style issues. You see, I have outfits aplenty, and most days I take the trouble to get dressed. (I could dispense with the whole clothes caper on days I work from home, but it’s really not fair to frighten the tradesmen.) But whereas opening my closet used to be akin to tiptoeing into Narnia – tantalising and full of expectation – lately it’s held all the appeal of teeth flossing.

Continue reading "Saying goodbye to black" »

Welcome to this week’s I Call Bullshit, a regular Punch column that looks at crap and calumny, fibs, fictions and forgeries. This week we’re looking at humour, and whether The Circle panel’s jokes about Victoria Cross recipient Ben Roberts-Smith were, in fact, jokes.

Australians are born with a bile-duct whose juices are triggered by any real or perceived slights on past or present members of the armed forces. We also have an overdeveloped part of the brain that tells us we are ‘larrikins’, that we are all proud owners of a knockabout, irreverent sense of humour.

This is why brains explode when jokes about soldiers – particularly soldiers who have received awards for bravery – bring these two parts of our national character clashing up against each other. We want to both protect the idea that we can laugh at everything, and simultaneously exempt sacred subjects.

Continue reading "ICB: It helps if offensive jokes are funny" »

You don’t have to be skinny to find love. Even the suggestion that you do is spiteful and patronising. Not to mention completely untrue.

Take the latest OECD figures that show one in four Australian adults are obese. Health wise that’s nothing to be proud of, but on the other hand, it doesn’t mean that those people are all walking around loveless and lonely. 

So why is it the take home message for this season’s Biggest Loser?

Continue reading "Love in the time of obesity" »

Psychotic. Mongoose. Saboteur. Liar. Traitor. Dysfunctional. Egotistical.

Childless.

In week of whirring insults, the claim that ex-PM ex-FM Kevin Rudd called Prime Minister Julia Gillard a “childless, atheist, ex-Communist” is a standout.

Mr Rudd’s office dismissed the story that he badmouthed Ms Gillard at an Adelaide pub a year ago as “lies”.  Maybe the witnesses were all mistaken. Maybe he said “guileless, earnest, optimist’. These things can happen in noisy bars.

Continue reading "You’re kidding if you think all women should be mothers" »

Fertility is a precious commodity for the modern woman. Greater opportunities, education and choice, along with the difficulties of finding the right partner can make it easy to delay falling pregnant. Being able to stow eggs away for the “right time” is an alluring prospect.

In this context, a recent discovery by Dr Jonathan Tilly of Harvard’s Massachusetts General Hospital offers massive temptation. The American scientist has found that ovaries of young women harbour very rare stem cells capable of producing new eggs.

He made the discovery after an initial study found that stem cells in the ovaries of adult mice could give rise to viable eggs. This means that although women are born with a finite number of eggs, they now have more chances to fall pregnant later in life. But it’s also a risk of epic proportions.

Continue reading "Scrambled science or an ovulation revolution?" »