Sex

As someone who has never been proposed to, but been married twice, I have never received or been given a St Valentine’s Day gift.

Clearly blokes have found other ways of communicating with me. Does it bother me? No. I dispensed with the pretence of caring a long time ago.

Valentine’s Day is for women who like pink, have a teddy collection on their bed, fluffy slippers, and speak, [read ‘whine’] with little girl voices well past puberty.

Continue reading "How many root points will you score on Valentines Day?" »

Andrew Bolt is concerned. Frankly, he’s quite beside himself. As if he didn’t have enough to worry about with the endless squawking from the Doomsday Brigade and their so-called ‘scientists’ fretting about ‘climate change’, when everyone knows it’s naturally occurring heat and why on earth should anyone – let alone large, multinational corporations run by hard-working, faceless billionaires whose fortunes have been built on the back of corporate environmental irresponsibility – have to apologise for that?

And don’t even get him started on the gross incompetence of the Federal Government.. Honestly, sometimes it’s just like beating his head against a brick wall. Is he the only one who cares about this godforsaken country?

But now they’ve gone and given him something else to bite his nails about. You know who ‘they’ are. The stalking, predatory creatures with nothing but lust on their minds and the sweet scent of young flesh propelling them forward.

Continue reading "Ladies, please forget that you have a sex drive" »

Talk about a grand marketing plan!

Last weekend, Love magazine, run by former Pop! Magazine Editor (and fashion industry icon) Katie Grand, started releasing their Issue #3 covers. The nude shots of Lara Stone, Kristen McMenamy, Daria Werbowy and Jeneil Williams were let loose on the internet, and didn’t the bloggers have a field day.

I blogged about it. I got emails from friends to blog about it. I saw it on at least three other websites all marvelling over how we were getting to see these girls practically in their birthday suits. Fashion blogging land was in an excitable hoo hah. Naked supermodel? You’ve got to be kidding me! I’ve never seen that before.

Continue reading "The logical end of fashion - naked clothes horses" »

We all know that sex sells. Some of the earliest tobacco advertising featured stylised drawings of starlets inserted in cigarette packs.

Sexy images of women are used to sell everything, from cars to spring water to internet access.Many such ads are targeted at men, but ads for products aimed at women are often similar.

Not only are sexually provocative images of women used to advertise, but they are routinely featured on television, music video clips, movies and even toys.  While adults are better equipped to deal with the bombardment of sexualised content, we need to stop to consider the impact it has on children.

Continue reading "Why should children be exposed to videos like this?" »

Tony Abbott is perfectly entitled to his view as an individual - and as the father of three teenage girls - as to whether women should have sex before they are married.

But as the alternative prime minister, the danger for Abbott is that any airing of his private views will sound like a generalised public call for the women of Australia to keep themselves nice.

This is exactly what has happened – not just with the predictable attacks from sworn enemies such as Julia Gillard, but across blog sites and the twittersphere from politically ambivalent women have interpreted Abbott’s statement as an unwelcome free lecture.

Continue reading "Tony’s virginity troubles and the danger of being honest" »

I’m going to confess straight up to having little to zero interest in the underwear choices of Venus Williams.

Yet in recent days her flesh coloured shorts have become a story in sport in themselves and sent twitter abuzz with is she or isn’t she wearing underpants debates.

Perhaps this isn’t so shocking, Maria Sharapova’s green “frocklet” (I kid you not- apparently there is indeed such a thing), got its own press conference launch and then we saw precious column space designated to the diamond earring and necklace choices of Serena Williams, (which she liked “because it had lots of S’s in the design”, and we can all respect that).

Continue reading "Treating women’s sport like a trivial fashion contest" »

Anyone who enjoys making out with inanimate objects will be thrilled by the news that an American inventor has manufactured a life-size female sex robot called Roxxxy, equipped with flesh-like skin, a smattering of playful conversation, a busty chest and an insatiable appetite for getting it on.

More exciting though is the promise that Roxxxy will soon be followed a by a male sex doll who will replicate the characteristics of a real guy.

Ideas man Douglas Hines unveiled Roxxxy at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas on Saturday. ‘‘She can’t vacuum, she can’t cook, but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean,’’ he said, which may have been a nudge-nudge reference to her ability to knit, juggle and perform long division.

Continue reading "With Roxxxy complete, a sex doll that acts like a real man" »

WHILE the world has been stewing over greenhouse gases and the impact of climate change at Copenhagen, the steamy affairs of Tiger Woods have been fogging up computer screens as every day more details of his antics off the green are revealed.

Since being hurt in a mystery car crash just over two weeks ago, the golf superstar’s torrid string of girlfriends has provided a steady diet of sex and athletic prowess to tantalise readers more than any Mills and Boon novel.

What has been just as fascinating is how Tiger’s reported extra-curricular activities have polarised comments on online news sites. The saga appears to have triggered a gender divide among many readers.

Continue reading "Men and women on Tiger Woods" »

Enough with Tiger’s mistresses and their predictable push-up bras and mini skirts. Give me Mrs Woods!

While others have been marvelling at The Big T’s ability to juggle so many, many, many extra marital affairs, I’ve been sweating on what Elin is going to wear at her first public appearance.

After all, it’s The Wife’s post-scandal outfit that sets the post-scandal agenda. It lets the world know exactly what kind of woman she is. Wants to be. Will be. At least in the press.

Continue reading "Fashion for the jilted: the post-adultery dress" »

Denials do not get any more categorical or absolute than this - and as of his press conference an hour ago, Mike Rann is being hailed as Adelaide’s own Bill Clinton after looking straight into the camera and declaring that he did not have sexual relations with that woman.

But unlike Clinton’s twitchy and unconvincing handling of the Monica Lewinsky allegations, Rann came out all guns blazing, specifically denying key aspects of the bombshell interview by his former friend and parliamentary barmaid Michelle Chantelois, hammering the fact that she was paid bucketloads of cash to sell her story, and declaring that he will sue both Channel Seven and New Idea for peddling allegations which he says are categorically false.

Rann also seized on the fact that Channel Seven got a key part of its story wrong, in falsely asserting that Chantelois’s estranged husband Rick Phillips had not been charged with assault after he punched the Premier in the face with a rolled-up magazine in a chance encounter at the Adelaide Wine Centre last month.

Continue reading "Rann’s emphatic sex denial might not end this affair" »

Update 1.20pm AEDT: Rann is due to speak to the media at 2.30pm AEDT today. Passing waiting journalists heading into a cabinet meeting earlier he refused to deny outright having sex with Chantelois.

Today could decide the career of Australia’s most popular premier and Punch contributor Mike Rann. “It is disappointing and distressing that a friendship I had with Michelle Chantelois more than four years ago has become the subject of such sensationalised publicity,” the SA Premier said this morning. There’s more from his statement over the jump.

The publicity, which you may have caught, was the airing last night of a detailed account of an affair that former parliamentary barmaid Michelle Chantelois claims to have had with Rann. She claims it involved sex on the premier’s desk and clandestine trips to a golf course for romps in the dark. The trouble for Rann is that he has been insisting there was never any sex.

As one senior Labor figure said: “At the end of the day, she has either made the whole thing up or he’s lying.”

Continue reading "The Mike Rann sex scandal: is it a sacking offence?" »

ALMOST 70 per cent of men say that a woman’s face is much more important than her breasts, legs or figure, a Punch survey of male attitudes on female body image has found.

And almost two-thirds of men believe that women spend far too much time worrying about their appearance, and should spend less time fretting about what men think - because you are all much hotter than you think you are.

The Punch has today assembled this special package of pieces about female body image through the eyes of blokes. Much of it is framed around our 100-man survey, but also includes columnist Joe Hildebrand talking about his love of fat chicks and former Zoo Weekly online editor Chris Deal’s essay on why men are as dumb as you probably suspect they are.

Continue reading "Guys talk about female body image" »

Are you gonna take me home tonight? 
Ah down beside that red firelight? 
Are you gonna let it all hang out? 
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin’ world go round. - Queen, 1978

My name’s Joe Hildebrand and I like fat chicks.* My best friend Byron likes fat chicks. My other best friend Matt likes fat chicks. My other best friend Darrin is actually fat himself. Even Queen likes fat chicks, and they’re all gay.

Yet fat chicks seem to think that nobody likes them at all.

Continue reading "Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin’ world go round" »

A little known fact I like to trot out at feminist rallies and family gatherings is that I use to work for the esteemed gentlemen’s periodical, Zoo Weekly magazine. Officially my title was Online Editor, but unofficially it was You Tube surfer and talker to the hottest chicks planet earth has ever produced.

Sadly my tenure at the Encyclopaedia Tit-tanica was brief, and a decision that to the male ego sounds like the frothy rantings of a mad man. In bloke-speak the phrase “I quit a job at Zoo Weekly” roughly translates to “I’m a frightful shirtlifter, pass the amyl and pump up the Right Said Fred”.

But after I’ve stopped trying to use my penis for a brain, not only is the fleshy mirage of life at a lad’s mag revealed, but so too are a few finer points of the deluded male mind.

Continue reading "Men: we really are as dumb as you think" »

These are the raw numbers for the female body image survey.

1. Which of these physical qualities do you value most highly in a woman?

A.) Pretty face 68
B.) Great breasts 8
C.) Nice legs 8
D.) Perfect fat-free figure 16

Continue reading "This girl looks normal: The 100 man body image survey" »

Only the other night gazing out at the opera house from Quay restaurant in Sydney I had the good fortune to sit at dinner with the new, improved, much, much larger than life Matt Preston. Not only was I subject to his advice on all things Myf Warhurst, his pony skin R.M. Williams boots and dressing-up box chic but his stagey sexy looks.

The look that stuck in my mind is when his sultry eyes gaze towards what should be a camera and while he sucked A-list chocolate off his index finger. What I can only imagine is a lot of practice in the mirror had paid off. Although I can’t say the earth moved for me, Matt later may have retired for a cigarette.

And it made me realise how we got to this point that food isn’t food on TV without some sort of sexual imagery. Two decades (and more) ago food writing and TV was left to the stuffy, recipe writers and cookbook authors, dry enough to pucker the mouth up like a plain Carrs Water biscuit.

Continue reading "Finger-licking good: a brief history of food sex" »

Is it possible to write a column questioning the value of monogamy without having your head shaved and being dragged to a public stoning hosted by right wing columnists? Guess I’m about to find out.

In the wake of the Della Bosca fiasco I’ve been thinking a lot about why we’re so obsessed with sexual fidelity.

.

From a rational point of view it’s clearly ridiculous to stake our life partnerships on something as unpredictable and unbiddable

Continue reading "Does cheating still matter?" »

If Mr Sarkozy does not sack the French Culture Minister, Frederic Mitterrand, the international community should impose a travel ban on the Minister, tout de suite.

Mitterrand has reportedly confessed to what he euphemistically describes as “offences against the idea of human dignity” – which is French, it seems, for having sex with young prostitutes in Asia. Part of his defence is that such offences are ‘commonplace’.

Apparently the more commonplace an obviously objectionable practice, the less it has to do with morality.

Continue reading "The frog and the tadpoles: ban this man from travel" »

Do you remember the choose your own ending tales of your childhood? Well, I hope so, because this is a choose-your-own beginning kind of opinion piece, and trust me, no one’s going to choose the beginning that it is meant to go with it.

Beginning one would start with “My good friend’s boyfriend has not gotten laid in four weeks” and everyone would feel sorry for him. But they’d tell him to hang in there and go with it, because four weeks is not so long and maybe there’s a dry spell hovering over the relationship that a little holiday in the Hunter couldn’t fix.

Suppose this article opened with beginning two, where I’d say “My good friend’s boyfriend has not gotten laid in four months”, and everyone would be horrified and encourage him to leave, or go elsewhere for that physical part of life that everyone is entitled to but he is clearly lacking.

But beginning number three goes against all modern social norms and it’s the one I’m going with:

Continue reading "Believe it or not, fidelity is still in fashion" »

Another highly instructive sex survey has been released out of Britain.

According to a world-wide survey of 15,000 women, Germans are the worst lovers with Englishman, Swedes, Dutch and Americans rounding off the worst five. Spanish, Brazilians, Italians and French were rated the best in bed, with Australians rated the seventh best.

By my reckoning to have participated in this survey a woman would have had to have slept with at least one man from every country assessed.

Continue reading "How much sex can these women possibly be having?" »

“Sex: Does It Affect Performance?” - the question that gave rise to the immortal response from former test cricketer Merv Hughes: “How would I know?”

The same could be said about our political parties until today, with the release of the Punch’s groundbreaking survey into the links between voting intention and personal relationships.

It finds Labor voters are more likely to value a partner who is a “good lover”, while Liberal voters seek a companion who is “kind and considerate”. Meanwhile Greens just want someone to laugh with/at. As for the swingers? Like name, like nature.

Continue reading "What your sex life says about your voting habits" »

If you don’t live in NSW it’s hard to know where to start this story. But better to be explaining it in a comment piece than in a private conversation with your wife, Belinda Neal, as to how you came to wreck your political career and possibly your marriage by having a six-month affair with a 26-year-old woman.

That’s the situation which ALP factional giant, would-be NSW Premier and married father of two John Della Bosca finds himself in today - quitting as minister last night after admitting that he had started a relationship with a woman more than 20 years his junior.

Della Bosca’s spectacular fall confirms the standing of the NSW Labor Government as a cross between the last days of Rome, and Melrose Place for political hacks.

Continue reading "Della’s sex shame: NSW Labor is now Melrose Place" »

This is Vanessa Hudgens, one of the teen stars to come out of Disney’s insanely successful High School Musical trilogy.

She’s also the girlfriend of the most lusted after young male star in the world, Zac Efron (he even eclipses Twilight’s Robert Pattinson as the love object du jour), is currently starring in a successful new movie, Bandslam, has a coveted cosmetics contract with Neutrogena and … she has just come through another nude photo scandal.

Yes, another nude photo scandal. Great achievement, non? All by the ripe old age of 20.

Continue reading "Sexifying young Hollywood" »

Last week at a lunch to console a newly-divorced friend, I decided to lighten her terror at being “the only single woman left on the planet” and relate an interesting new statistic.

“A recent study in the UK found that in 20 years, one in five women currently in their twenties will never have married and will live alone. See, there’ll be millions like us!” I said cheerily.

Looking at my girlfriend’s face, it became apparent she was not quite as enthralled by this statistical tidbit as me. In fact, judging by her open-mouth stare, anyone would think I had just disembowelled a baby panda and was about to start on a litter of puppies.

Continue reading "Millions of happy single people can’t be wrong" »

Oh. No. Really. Won’t someone please mop the tears of unreserved mirth? Apparently, Women Love Shoes! And Men Just Don’t Know What To Do With a Vacuum Cleaner! Oh, hahaha, the difference between the sexes. They’re just so funny because they’re just so true.

Jokes about the location of the clitoris or the importance of the shed are every bit as progressive and useful as beta-video. Equally acquainted with the pleasures of both, I’ve never understood the merit of these gags. 

Perhaps this is because I am a mannish girl.  Or perhaps it is because jokes about the “Gender Wars” have their place.  Viz. only on disgraced Austereo breakfast programs or in forwarded emails sent by my father-in-law.

Continue reading "The lame world of men-versus-women humour" »

There are currently some 700,000 university students in Australia, which I would estimate represents 145,478 cases of Chlamydia, 49,678 one-night stands and 4,567,099 packets of instant noodles consumed in the last calender year.

We have institutions aplenty (39 at last count) which are excellent at pumping out graduates who have gained little beyond a vague understanding of post-structuralism and an impressive repertoire of drinking games involving Sambucca.

But Julia Gillard thinks we need even more university students: 300,000 more to be precise. All part of the Education Minister‘s plans to give the higher education system a bit of a face lift.

Continue reading "Tune in, drop out, get drunk, become a hairdresser" »

Women of the world, don’t be fooled. Men can multitask – if they have powerful jobs and are not expected to be faithful.

Silvio Berlusconi, Mark Sanford, Gordon Ramsay and Eliot Spitzer are all superb multi-taskers who check all of these boxes:

Big time job, tick

In the public eye, tick.

Gaining considerable fortunes, tick.

Discovered to be having extra-marital affairs, tick. In some cases, tick tick tick.

Continue reading "Men can multi-task just fine ... in the bedroom" »

Nothing screams erectile dysfunction as loudly as a diamond encrusted Rolex.

In my vast experience of travelling the globe, participating in royal activities, grand soirees, and through my exposure to the well heeled, I have come to the conclusion that it takes a certain type of man to sport a watch the value of which would feed several villages in the Sudan for years. As well, one would perhaps think that in light of the Global Financial Cock-up, those with fat wallets pillaged from haemorrhaging shareholders would catch on that discretion is the better part of valour – or at least, prudent during our Bernie Madoff days.

But these men are of a sad, and certain age, needy of ego and (I suspect) with erections propped up by Viagra and carbon based stones. Some have emerged from communist China with newly found capitalist bank accounts and they want everyone to know it. Occasionally, they are Hip Hop gangsta rappers who believe that extra bling will function as a light source if ever marooned in the wilderness. Certain Queensland property developers have also been known to sport the links of time & tack, co-coordinating their ensembles with white shoes.

Continue reading "An open letter to men with fast cars and fancy watches" »

Basic Greek tendencies dating back to the ancient Athenians have never left politics - not for a second. We invented Democracy - δημοκρατια means “people” and “force” or “power” -  and although that was a major positive, it’s become apparent that a life-long commitment to a variety of Greek concepts continues to plague Australian politics.

The Greeks have many contradictions - I suppose that’s what makes us so unique. History has been both kind and cruel to us. We gave birth to brilliant minds that came up with ideas that have enabled us to be more civilized, to have rights and to have a voice.

The contradiction here lies in the fact that those same brilliant Athenians drifted into departments that were pioneering in a way that more prudish cultures might consider shameful. But let’s not open that can of feta. God, no. Back to the politics of today.

Continue reading "In your dreams: sex siren’s brush with very liberal Greek" »

If one’s face can’t register an orgasm, is the climax still as good?

Startling as it may seem, I feel liberated by the decay of beauty.  It’s a bold statement, but in this era, when the glorification of all that is youthful is paramount, I hope that I look like the mother of my eldest daughter, (who for the record is almost 24,) and not at all like her sister. I don’t want to be in competition with her, or my younger girl, who is only eight. I want them to take up the mantle of their own prime years and have me cheering them on from the proper place - as the more senior female of the clan.

Our society so abhors the discussion of ageing and death, that we have embraced a whole new industry of psychological touchstones involving chemicals and knives and a race to look 10 years younger in 10 days. I don’t castigate or object to anyone making personal choices regarding cosmetic procedures, nor do I rule them out for myself if I feel I want them. But I am concerned that so many of my friends, acquaintances and even other people in the media are beginning to relinquish their unique expressions of emotion and life experience at the point of a needle.

Continue reading "Cosmetic work can make you mistake chit-chat for orgasm" »

Apart from the kerfuffle it caused in Brisbane last week, the nation may have missed a rugby league scandal that makes Cronulla’s woes look as shocking as a Phil Spector wig.

In fact it was less a rugby league scandal and more the culmination of years of a war on the interaction of the sexes in the workplace.

Poor Joel Clinton, the Broncos frontrower, was fined $50,000 for inviting a friend to his room the night before the match against the Tigers recently. That friend happened to be a woman.

And? And nothing That’s it, that’s all he did.

Continue reading "Wowser watch: battle of sexes skewed against men" »

If you do have a 12-year-old daughter you probably already know that Lily Allen is touring here at the moment. They’ve probably begged you to let them go to the concert - and you may have relented.

I’ll be there on Tuesday night with a bunch of 14-year-olds who are much cooler than I was when I was their age, and I’m really looking forward to it. Allen is very entertaining, her melodies are infectious, and she even manages to infuse some her her tunes with the kind of lessons you want young girls to learn (see above video of the very clever The Fear).

But there will be five minutes during the concert when I’ll be cringing in the corner as I look around at a room full of gorgeous young girls, who no doubt know every word of Allen’s latest single Not Fair and will be singing along with gusto. Believe me, if you’re little one is an Allen fan you probably don’t want to know the lyrics.

Continue reading "Shut your eyes if you have a 12-year-old daughter" »

It’s a shame to dredge up more dreck about this drongo but it seems the fallout from the Matty Johns saga has at last done the rounds.

We’re in the middle of a sexual etiquette renaissance.

HR seminars at businesses across the country are in overdrive, Sex-Ed classes at schools have ramped up just to remind everyone: “Hey guys BTW it’s not cool to sexually assault people… Cheers Thanks.”

Continue reading "Cover your humps in lycra to keep the boys at bay" »

There’s an extraordinary piece of journalism in today’s Daily Telegraph by “Coogee Cougar” Charmyne Palavi where she takes more positions than the Kama Sutra on the questions of sex and consent.

Palavi, who among other things has blown the whistle on the sub-culture of predatory women bedding sports stars as “scalps”, shot to prominence last week with her morally ambivalent star turn in the Four Corners report on the Matthew Johns sex scandal.

In today’s Tele Palavi speaks of her disappointment that many of her apparently positive experiences have been sullied by the white-hot debate over the Johns affair. She introduces a handy new term to the sexual lexicon - the concept of “mostly consensual” sex.

Continue reading "Sex-mad league bimbo takes women down dud route" »