Satire

Margaret Court was right - we’re all going to Hell. But she wasn’t the first to tell us, we’ve been going to Hell for centuries. Here Simon J Green digs up the transcripts of the Margaret Courts of their day.

February, 2012

The state of the planet today makes me sick. Back in my day, children respected their elders. If you didn’t show the right amount of respect, you were given the strap. I got bamboo across my palm thrice in school and it did me the world of good. Something else that made me the sensible person I am today: a decent education. The corner stone of that education was maths. If more kids were taught mathematics in school, there’d be less drop outs, less teen pregnancies and more graduates going to university.

Continue reading "The world has always been going to Hell in a handbasket" »

Once upon a time, in a mythical kingdom called Canberra which most people don’t really believe exists, a lady called Cindergillard lost her shoe.

The lady didn’t lose her shoe at a big fancy schmancy ball, but what can you do? Ball, restaurant, same effect.

The hunt was on. Who would the shoe fit? In ye olde days, they settled this kind of issue door-to-door. On this occasion, the matter was handled in the mercenary manner of the interwebs.

Continue reading "This week’s lesson: politics is no fairy tale" »

The racquets smashed by Marcos Baghdatis in last night’s Australian Open outburst have spoken out exclusively about the pain, the hurt and the trauma of racquet abuse.

“This sort of thing should never be tolerated,” said a severely twisted and broken T-Flash 315 Speedflex who preferred to remain anonymous.

“I don’t care if you’re at the Australian Open, Wimbledon or the Kazakhstan Invitational,” the racquet said. “It is simply never acceptable to abuse a racquet in this way.

Continue reading "Racquets have feelings too" »

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from an Italian port
Aboard this massive ship.

The crew was a bunch of useless hacks
The skipper craven and poor
3,206 passengers set sail that day
For a five day tour, a five day tour.

Continue reading "The ballad of Giglio Isle" »

I hardly ever keep my New Year’s Resolutions, including the last two, which were Don’t Make Any More New Year’s Resolutions and Don’t Write About Making Resolutions Around The End Of December. Even my Only Drink Stirred Martinis (Not Shaken) resolution looked a bit shaky around June, when I didn’t keep my eye on a barman that had a rebellious streak and a twitchy hand.

So I’ve decided that this year, I’m just making resolutions that are impossible to keep. That way, I figure by the end of the year I might have some kind of a record – 100 per cent of my resolutions broken. A real achievement.

Let’s see…

Continue reading "You won’t fool the children of the anti-resolution" »

Around this time of year I usually like to write a column about the magic of Christmas. Possibly because around this time of year it usually is Christmas.

For many people, Christmas is the most joyous day of the year, which says a lot about our society. I don’t think it’s prejudiced to say that only Western European-based culture is civilised enough to celebrate the birth of a doomed baby by cutting down a tree and eating a dead animal.

Indeed, the prospect of Jesus being born just so He can be nailed to a tree in the prime of his life because the rest of us didn’t want to stop sinning makes us incredibly happy for some reason, the most likely one being that we are sadists. This would also explain Christmas shopping.

Continue reading "A learned meditation on the true meaning of Christmas" »

I can’t do Christmas carols any more. I can’t. I can maybe handle Jingle Bells, but only because my brain automatically reverts to the clearly superior “Batman smells, Robin ran away” version, but Jingle Bell Rock can seriously go and die in a chestnut-roasting fire. Any song that asks me to “mix and a-mingle to a jinglin’ beat” ceases to deserve a place in my Yuletide vernacular.

Seriously, what does that even mean? That’s the problem with Christmas carols: they don’t make any frigging sense. Even after I’ve suspended my disbelief regarding virgin births, flying reindeer, the existence of myrrh and the not-everybody-has-a-chimney thing, there’s still a lot of bunk in Christmas carols that just doesn’t add up.

I’ll give you the fat-guy-who-doesn’t-work-very-often and the not-being-able-to-find-a-hotel-vacancy-at-Christmas-time, though. But the rest is all a bit iffy.

Continue reading "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells CROCK" »

Much has been made this week of the leaked excerpts from the ALP’s election post mortem by Bob Carr, Steve Bracks and John Faulkner.

The excerpts leaked were highly critical of Kevin Rudd but the authors now say that there is even more material that has not been released that paints a very different picture.

Now, in yet another extraordinary exclusive, an explosive second extract has been leaked to the Joe Hildebrand column. Of course some people say these excerpts have also been selectively edited but I see no evidence of that…

Continue reading "Leaked report reveals leaked reports cause leaks" »

It was revealed this week that the Prime Minister will be paid $470,000 a year after getting a massive pay rise along with other politicians.

This is obviously an obscene amount of money to waste on the highest office in the land.

Just to put it in perspective, here’s a list of other things you could buy for $470,000…

Continue reading "Let’s add some perspective to Julia’s whopping new salary" »

We don’t just type LOL to our mates when we Laugh Out Loud at something anymore. Actually sometimes I don’t even LOL, I just say I did (OMG does that mean I’m LOTI?). Sometimes I LOL so hard, I ROFL or LMAO and laughing even harder than that means I’m ROFLMAO! I know!

These are the new acronyms of our lives and we use them so often they have turned into words, peeps, ACTUAL WORDS that we say with our face. Out-loud, phonetically and un-ironically, like the way we say CHOGM. I know, Double-You Tee Eff?

There are lots of these now and they come from texting and the interwebs, especially places like Twitter because it’s all about character limits. With SMSes (160 characters) and tweets (140 characters), you have to say as much as possible in the shortest possible space, so when you only have so many characters to work with, you learn to abbrv rly quickly.

Continue reading "I don’t actually LOL or LMAO, I just say I did" »

This week some of the big TV networks unveiled their new programs for 2012. But what you won’t see is the shows the networks rejected.

Despite some brilliant ideas and a wealth of talent, these pilots were all knocked back by out-of-touch television executives who wouldn’t know a high-quality hit show if they, er, saw one…

Two Guys, a Girl and a Parliament

Tony Windsor, Rob Oakeshott and Julia Gillard star in this edgy comedy about three mismatched friends who after an administrative mix-up suddenly find themselves in charge of the nation’s supreme lawmaking body. Follow their misadventures as they learn about life, love and standing orders.

Continue reading "EXCLUSIVE: The TV shows they don’t want you to see" »

IT’S a quarter to teatime at the media inquiry. Chair SIR ROBERT ELDERBERRY-TONSON is hearing evidence from journalism expert DR. WILLIAM FOXBOTTLE-SMYTHE. The late afternoon sunlight ripples through the plate glass windows…

SIR ROBERT: So what’s to be done Doctor.

DR. WILLIAM: Well, I’m not advocating that we ban newspapers.

SIR ROBERT: Who said anything about banning newspapers?

DR. WILLIAM: Certainly not me.

Continue reading "Shock finding: Media Inquiry discovers media!" »

The family of the 14 year old Australian boy detained in Bali has allegedly sought a TV deal through the boy’s Australian agent. This news has not been received favourably by Indonesian authorities, and both Nine and Seven are strongly denying any such deal. But as Punch contributor Steve Williams suggests, deals have been done before and probably will be again…

Dear Mr Big Fat TV Executive,

May I be the first to congratulate you on your rumoured signing of the latest Australian arrested overseas to become the new face of Your Network, even though no one has ever seen the person’s face.

Continue reading "A bang-up for your bucks" »

It’s on again. The Melbourne Cup. The race that stops the nation. Or at least, the race that stops the nation working.

This year’s Cup is like no other. Well might we say “stop the boats” as refugees seek asylum on our shores, but maybe we’d do better to stop the planes. This year, more foreign raiders than ever before are trying to steal our riches and destroy our way of life. It’s just not horse racing.

So who’s going to win? The Punch proudly presents Australia’s most devastatingly honest and accurate form guide to help you decide for yourself.

Continue reading "Australia’s bitchiest Melbourne Cup form guide" »

Matt Granfield is a typical Gen Y guy with a social conscience. He joined his friends in protesting at the Occupy Sydney movement. His Uncle Barry was shocked to see him on the television. The Vietnam war veteran doesn’t understand what Matt’s generation could possibly have to complain about. While Matt thinks his Uncle, with his Medicare assisted health care and addiction to consumer goods, should question what he hears on the news every night. Below is a copy of their email exchange.

From: Barry Granfield Sent: Sunday, 30 October 2011 10:20 AM
To: Matt Granfield
Subject: Occupy Wall Street Protests

Dear Matthew, I saw you on the news last week. I have to say, I’m most disappointed. This Occupy Sydney thing is a farce. I know you’ll say it’s hypocritical of me, but back in the 70s we were fighting against The Vietnam War and a government who locked people in jail for refusing to be conscripted. We had a good reason. This is just silly. What on earth are you protesting against? And since when did you learn to play the bongos?

Uncle Barry

Continue reading "In my day, we had a whole war to protest about" »

The naturalist Charles Darwin observed that when confronted with a hostile and unliveable environment, organisms would mutate into strange new species never before seen on the planet.

While controversial when it was first published, this theory does at least explain the existence of Northern Territorians.

It is fitting that the city which bears Darwin’s name is also the home of a new master race that spends most of its waking hours trying to figure out how to keep beer cold.

Continue reading "The Northern Territory is a croc of you know what" »

Life can be very cruel sometimes, particularly when it comes to middle class white people and their admirable struggle to find somewhere exotic and worldly where they can just relax while enjoying some budget cocktails and the occasional Unique Cultural Experience™. Poor Carolyn Webb learned that the hard way this week when The Age published her thoughtful, well considered and entirely well researched travel piece on Bali, a place she’s never wanted to go to.

You know how it is. You work tirelessly all year round, saving enough pennies so you can board a budget airline to one of the cheap, tropical paradises dotted around Australia in the hope that you can just let it all hang out, catch some rays and for one brief moment forget how hard it is back home with a stable economy propping up your solid income.

Of course, you don’t want to go to one of those shitholes like Bali or Thailand, because you know from fourth hand anecdotal experience that other people have been there and hated it, plus got bum sick in the first three days because the natives didn’t bother posting signs reminding them not to drink the tap water. Rude.

Continue reading "Bali is Paradise Lost for middle-class white people" »

Gaddafi’s dead. Good. We got Osama and now we got this creep. As The Sun in Britain said: “That’s for Lockerbie”. And as I myself often say: “begeeeeerrrrk”.

While the world is rightly celebrating the death of the tyrant Gaddafi today, here in the chicken coop the mood is more sombre. Across the world, millions of my fellow hens continue to be slaughtered daily in the name of another colonel.

These two colonels lived different lives, on different continents, in different eras. But the hens and I had a scratch around in the dirt today, and we came up with a few similarities. Begeeeeerrrrk!

Continue reading "Gaddafi vs Sanders: a comparison of colonels" »

In yet another extraordinary exclusive, The Punch has unearthed a transcript of Prime Minister JULIA GILLARD and Immigration Minister CHRIS BOWEN’s secret meeting with Opposition Leader TONY ABBOTT asking him to pass new asylum seeker laws…

JULIA: Thank you for coming everybody. It’s wonderful to finally have a spirit of cooperation and bipartisanship on this difficult and sensitive issue.

TONY: Just out of curiosity, was that a guillotine above the door?

JULIA: Not at all Tony. Now if you could just stand a little bit to your left…

Continue reading "A desperate plea from the PM to the Opposition Leader" »

The impending footballing weekend is all about “bromance”, that modern term which refers to the state of male bonding when mateship goes all misty-eyed and meaningful.

In the real world, men shake hands firmly, then brusquely ask “how’s it goin’ champ?”. Sport is different. When sportsmen step over that white line, they enter a beautiful parallel universe. They pat each other on the arse and tell each other “I love you like a brother”. And they mean it.

Male team sport was made for man love. Not the Brokeback Mountain kind of love, (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but a special form of mutual admiration.

Continue reading "A finals bromance" »

Monday, 22 August, 2011

Return from question time. Paul Howes (AWU) is sitting in my office chair. Says he’s checked my office and has found no less than eight items that were manufactured overseas. As a representative of the manufacturing sector he feels I owe him an explanation for my unAustralianness. Ask Howes if I could have my chair back. Howes says he’ll do better than that, he’ll replace it with an Australian made seat. Will invoice my secretary.

Tuesday, 23 August, 2011

Morning: Met with Same Same (marriage equality group) and GetUp to discuss same sex marriage.

Continue reading "Journal of the Minister for Community Concerns" »

If you’re like me, you’ve been wondering with trepidation what will happen when the Gaypocalypse finally strikes.

Are fudge-packers, nancy-boys, and pillow-biters all names for the same thing, or do they signify a hierarchy of types and sizes, like orcs? Which are most dangerous? And where do the Poohole Pirates come in? Are they like the Men of Harad?

What about elephants? Will there be elephants? Will they be pink? Will we be forced to toil in underground sequin mines while Freddy Mercury lashes us with moustachioed falsetto arpeggios? And dear God, why didn’t we listen to Fred Nile?

Continue reading "Logic eats the gay marriage scaremongers for breakfast" »

Punchers enjoyed a carbon-tax-free week last week, but with many people still angry about the policy, we’re getting back into the discussion with gusto. Its opponents say the carbon tax will ruin the economy, cost jobs, hurt families and make the Spice Girls get back together, so what’s the alternative?

What is Tony Abbott’s Direct Action Plan for Climate Change?

The Direct Action Plan is a Coalition policy designed to reduce carbon emissions through Government-funded incentives without the need for an economy-wide carbon price.  The policy allows industry to sell carbon abatement back to the Government and also includes funding for widespread soil-carbon, solar and tree-planting initiatives. 

Continue reading "Abbott’s Direct Action Plan: Frequently Asked Questions" »

It is one of the great dangers of this new technological age that we are all potential victims of “computer hacking”.

Computer hacking is an insidious and underhanded practice that infliltrates “computers”, which are like typewriters that you can play solitaire on.

The risks of hacking were brutally demonstrated in the 2007 documentary Die Hard 4.0, in which Bruce Willis spends two hours and eight minutes trying to send an email, only to give up and get someone from Generation Y to do it.

Continue reading "All this hacking raises this hapless hack’s hackles" »

Monday 11/06/2011

6am
Had to spend weekend in Canberra. Was unclear on how carbon tax fell within ambit of my Future Building and Values portfolio, but then Abbott issued edict that tax on everything touches every portfolio. Says it is a threat to our way of life.

Had to cancel golf game. Who announces a tax on a Sunday?

Continue reading "Diary of a Liberal Front Bencher: Carbon Crusade" »

ALP Headquarters, Canberra, Sunday 7pm

JULIA: Well, what an incredible victory. Couldn’t have gone better if we’d tried.

VOICE AT THE BACK: Shame you didn’t try in 2010.

JULIA: Is that you Kevin?

Continue reading "If you see one crappy film this winter, make sure it’s…" »

After coaching the Queensland State of Origin team to a record sixth State of Origin win last week, Mal Meninga wrote a controversial Courier Mail column in which he essentially said “nyaah-nyaah-nee-nyaah-nyaah.”

He is also reported to have said “they said it first, Miss” and “I never” and “I know you are but what am I?”

Before taking up the Origin coaching role in 2006, Mr Meninga was previously known as the man with the shortest serious political career in history – yes, even shorter than Julia Gillard’s.

Continue reading "Maroon to the bone and desperate for a moan" »

Yesterday, a private email from British woman Carolyn Bourne to her prospective daughter-in-law went viral. The father of the bride-to-be has since replied, mouthing off big time at Carolyn Bourne. The aggrieved bride-to-be has not yet made a statement or sent a reply email. But if she did, we imagine it might go a little like this…

My Dear Lady Snootybuttocks III. Oh wait, you’re actually a commoner like me, innit ya stuck up bitch? Let me start again. “Dear Carolyn”. Actually, “Dear Mum” Yes, that will do nicely. Because make no mistake, I am marrying that hot stepson of yours.

Here’s the thing, Mum. You think I’m trashy, like one of those “brash” celebrities whose lives you breathlessly consume through all those trashy mags in the conservatory. That’s right, I’ve seen the pile of OK magazines hidden underneath the Horse & Hounds.

So perhaps you’d be good enough to tell me why celebrities, whose lives are full of glitz and glamour, can get married in castles, but the rest of us can’t dare to dream? It wouldn’t be because you dreamed and failed, would it? Or is it simply because your knickers are tighter than a Scotsman’s fist?

Continue reading "A considered retort to the mother-in-law from hell" »

When we were kids, the geeks played their pathetic little fantasy games in the corner of the playground, while the sporty dudes ran around, dated hot girls and sneered at the geeks. And lo, all was good and right in the universe.

Today, the geeks earn three times what anyone else earns, while the cool people have become the spotty recluses who play so-called “fantasy” football games. Many people think these games are cool and interesting. They’re wrong.

For the uninitiated, fantasy sports games are a season-long undertaking where you pick your own “team” comprised of players sourced from numerous clubs. You then swap your players around weekly, aiming to reap more points from the ridiculously complicated scoring system than everyone else. Pass the Nodoz, I say.

Continue reading "If this is fantasy then put me out of my misery" »

Dear Colleagues,

At our last caucus meeting, I sensed that many of you were concerned about the inappropriate animal welfare outcomes recently shown on the Four Corners program and dissatisfied with my proposed inquiry. By the way, I still have that shoe if someone wants to claim it and my doctor informs me that the bruising will be gone within a week.

I am seeking supply chain assurances of the welfare of cattle - which must be guaranteed for each head of cattle, and for their hooves as well. We do not want to simply protect specific parts of the cattle, but the whole of each cattle because, after all, each cattle is an individual with unique needs, desires, and aspirations, much like any other hard working Australian.

I now realise animal -appropriate welfare is non-negotiable.

Continue reading "Joe Ludwig’s Action Plan for… Action" »

Michael Clarke did a very Michael Clarke thing this week. He announced, in a major interview with one of the nation’s largest tabloids, that he intends to keep a lower profile for a while.

So Clarke goes public to say he’ll be keeping out of the public eye. Then who pops up like magic? The Dalai Lama, that’s who. Coincidence? No. Why not? Because there’s a very good argument that they’re the same person, that’s why.

This is no joke. For months, The Punch has been secretly tracking the Twitter streams of both his Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, and His Supreme Vainness, the 43rd cricket Captain of Australia. The results are thought-provoking to say the least…

Continue reading "Is Michael Clarke the Dalai Lama?" »

Clover Moo here, reporting from the shady corner of the paddock. It’s been tough times for us cows. Yep, a real cattle dog of a week.

As if this year hasn’t been distressing enough with the supermarkets flogging my precious milk for $1 a litre, along come these revelations of brutality at Indonesian slaughterhouses.

I’ve known about this for years, of course. The rumours have been on the bovine grapevine for ages. Now the rumours are confirmed. We are being slaughtered like…like… like animals!

Continue reading "Some weeks, it’s really hard to turn the udder cheek" »

When I bring up the subject of Kevin Rudd’s brutal factional knifing, I am often accused of living in the past.

In fact nothing could be further from the truth. For example, let me take you back to 44BC.

This was another year when a group of factional powerbrokers decided their personal political interests would be much better served if they too knifed a leader who, despite his widely acknowledged vision and intellect, was criticised as being too imperious and autocratic.

Continue reading "Veni vidi vici Vo Vo*. Why Rudd is a modern day Caesar" »

For years, I avoided The Sopranos because I thought it was a show about high-pitched singers. When I realised it was actually about mobsters, I never missed an episode. Who doesn’t love gangster shows?

Until recently, I also avoided MasterChef, as I don’t much care for cooking shows. Then I learned that it, too, is in fact a show about gangsters. Now I’m glued to the thing six nights a week!

What’s this, you say? MasterChef really is actually a cooking show? Sure. And Kyle Sandilands is a good bloke. Without question, MasterChef is a show about gangsters. Let’s examine the evidence…

Continue reading "GangsterChef!" »

What is the Malaysian Solution?
The “Malaysian solution” refers to a policy recently announced by the Gillard Government whereby up to 800 asylum seekers trying to enter Australia will be sent to the back of the queue in Malaysia. In exchange, Malaysia will send 4000 genuine refugees to Australia over a four year period.

Is there a queue?
The notion of a queue has been criticised as an oversimplification. The number of displaced persons is vastly higher than the available resettlement places and the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees that operates the scheme does not have a presence in some of the most dangerous locations. Nevertheless, it is hoped that being sent to the back of a queue that doesn’t exist will act as an added deterrent.

I’ve heard that the refugees we get from South East Asia aren’t genuine
In fact they are on of the few things you can get in South East Asia that is. Curiously, thousands of Australians travel to South East Asia especially to get fake DVDs, fake designer jeans and fake sunglasses but when it comes to refugees we are sticklers for authenticity.

Continue reading "A busy person’s guide to the Malaysian Solution" »

Amongst the rubble of the Abbotabad compound, US Forces discovered a diary which they have leaked to diaryleaks.com.au, after Julian Assange rejected it due to “quality” and “veracity” issues. Read on for selected excerpts.

3 February 2002
Have decided to keep diary to ensure world has record of important post 9/11 career.

October 2002
So far contribution to global jihad has mainly been hiding in caves. Somewhat out of touch with day-to-day Al Qaeda operations. Number 2 is running things from Yemen in my absence.

Continue reading "Journal of a washed up fundamentalist" »

For all the early season dominance of the Magpies and Cats, and the ineptitude of the Suns, Lions and Power, there’s an even bigger AFL story this year. It’s the resurgence of James Hird’s Bombers, who currently sit fifth on the AFL ladder

Hird, of course, is the former Brownlow medallist and premiership skipper who replaced the inept Matthew Knights as Bombers coach for season 2011. Hird has undoubted football nous, but that’s only half the reason his team is playing so well.

There is a force at work this season which is more influential than Hird’s brilliant football brain. It’s a force which propelled Hird to greatness in his playing career and which continues to serves him well today…

Continue reading "The reason Essendon are looking so good this year" »

In yet another extraordinary exclusive, The Punch has obtained a transcript of the last minutes of Osama bin Laden, his wife Amal and courier Abu in his Pakistani compound…

AMAL: (Sigh…) Well I guess it’s another night in.

OSAMA: What’s that supposed to mean?

Continue reading "EXCLUSIVE: The bin Laden tapes" »

I was delighted to learn this week that in yet another display of moral courage, the Gillard Government has decided to crack down on unemployed old people.

After lamenting the lack of leadership and intellectual rigour in recent months, the news that the ALP was going to kick jobless senior citizens in the nuts made my heart swell with national pride.

Everyone knows there has long been a bunch of lazy semi-retirees who were just waiting to get themselves fired so they could rake in $227 a week. That’s why they staged the global financial crisis.

Continue reading "New ways for the Govt to screw you slowly" »

Three weeks ago, in a bitter and premature rant, The Punch ran a story entitled The Suns’ Humiliation is Demetriou’s Humiliation.

The basic premise of the piece was that this hapless bunch of newbies, whose jumpers look like hot dog franks dipped in mustard, would not win a game until Christmas. As in, Christmas 2017. Not only were they an embarrassment to themselves, we argued, but a dagger in the heart of AFL supremo Andrew Demetriou’s expansionist dreams.

How very short-sighted of us. In light of the Suns’ remarkable win over Port Adelaide on the weekend, it is time to man up and admit we were wrong. To be even more accurate, I was wrong. About the Gold Coast. But not about expansion

Continue reading "Expansionist dream in tatters, despite Suns’ heroics" »

I was shocked to learn this week that infighting had broken out amongst the Greens, largely because I was under the impression they were pacifists.

But yet again I was wrong. The Greens have apparently had an internal falling out over their poor showing in the NSW election result. I didn’t believe it myself until I unearthed this secret recording of the Greens’ first ever full-blown factional war….

CONVENOR: Okay, is everybody here? There are still a few empty seats.

Continue reading "Greens war not kosher, says Marrickville mayor" »

Mining magnate Nathan Tinkler has a very BIG presence in Newcastle. He also has a very BIG bank balance. And as of last night, he has the green light for his $100m takeover of the Newcastle Knights NRL team. That’s BIG money.

Tinkler’s people had to secure the approval of 75 per cent of Knights members last night. They achieved this comfortably, with 97 per cent of the 2,500 who turned out voting in favour of the Tinkler takeover. That’s a BIG endorsement.

The future of Knights CEO Steve Burraston, who originally opposed the bid, is now unclear. As the picture below the fold shows, he too is a very BIG figure in the Hunter region.

Continue reading "The BIG thing that happened in Newcastle last night" »

As you can probably guess it was me who hacked into the email accounts of ten senior federal ministers.

I hacked into Julia Gillard’s because I wanted to know what it was like to run a country, I hacked into Kevin Rudd’s because I wanted to know what it was like to run the world, and I hacked into Stephen Smith’s because…well, I just really wanted to get some sleep.

But what I found was deeply shocking and in yet another extraordinary exclusive I can now reveal their explosive contents for the first time…

Continue reading "EXCLUSIVE! I hacked the Government’s emails" »

Thankfully a carbon tax is designed to hit big bad polluters and not working families.

I mean, take environmental progressive Bob. Bob’s a model citizen and busy man trying to save the world from the hundreds of big bad carbon polluters required by law to report their environmental vandalism to the government.

He starts by using his mobile phone as an alarm clock in his Canberra bedroom. (Telstra: emissions of 1.43 million tonnes CO2 in 2009-10). It’s cold this morning, so Bob’s gotta have an environmentally considerate 4 minute shower to get clean and warm for the trip up the hill (ACTEW Corporation: 219,000t CO2).

Continue reading "Carbon Bob: Can he fix it?" »

In a letter to IOC boss Jacques Rogge, Iran’s Olympic Committee chief Mohammad Aliabadi has today declared the London 2012 Olympics logo racist, because apparently, you can see the word Zion in it, if you twist your neck 45 degrees and drink half a bottle of the kind of spirit which is heavily frowned upon in Iran.

The obvious cynical, Western reaction is to point out that Iran is trying to distract its own populace from overthrowing the state by drumming up anger about yet another trumped-up fiendish Israeli plot.

But here at The Punch, we’re not so sure. We think the Iranians may actually be onto something. Because if you look at Olympic logos down the years, it appears many of them were trying to tell us something we were all too swept up in Olympic fever to notice.

Continue reading "Is the London 2012 logo a racist, Zionist plot?" »

Readers, as we’re sure you’re well aware, The Punch is Nigeria’s main national newspaper. It is also, you may be interested to learn, an Australian news and opinion website of considerable standing.

Many of you may mistakenly believe you’ve arrived at the website of your national newspaper. No doubt, then, you’re bewildered by the lack of coverage of the trial of Judge Salami, who is charged with some very serious crimes, possibly against smallgoods. Some say he once put Spanish olives in a Greek salad. Don’t you hate that? String him up, we say.

Let us, however, be clear. This is not the online presence of said Nigerian newspaper. This is The Punch in Australia, where our coverage of the Salami trial has been minimal, to say the least. You will excuse us, we trust. And to those of you who have become our Facebook friends – you will stay friendly with us, yes? We love having you as part of our big, happy family. Truly we do.

Continue reading "Welcome, Nigerian Facebook friends. Please send money." »

Peter Costello has been busy, by all accounts, since leaving politics. Yet somehow, he just seems like a guy kicking cans at the moment.

All that talent. All that fight. All that political nous. And there he is now, not in the Capital Hill moshpit, but on all those advisory boards… Sigh.

Costello’s website states, with uncharacteristic blandness, that he is currently managing director of a thing called BKK Partners, and that he reports to the World Bank and a bunch of other worthy entities. Point is, no one really knows what he does. But it’s clear that he’s spoiling for a fight, any fight, with anyone.

Continue reading "Someone, pleeease give this man a meaningful job" »

TUESDAY 08/02/11

8:00am

Enjoying bacon and egg roll for breakfast. Bernardi bursts in. Enquires if I’m certain that the bacon was not butchered using barbaric 6th century methods in the name of Allah? Can never be too careful when it comes to Halal bacon.

Pretty sure Bernardi has never said “Hello” or “How are you” to me.

Bernardi suggests I stay alert and alarmed. The Islamists are infiltrating sandwiches throughout the Western world.

Continue reading "Diary of a Liberal Frontbencher: Holy war" »

Did someone say “Oprah”? No? Are you sure? I could’ve sworn I heard someone say “Oprah”.

Over the past few weeks the Talk Show Queen’s name has been noticeably absent from the nation’s media – which probably has something to do with the fact we were quite preoccupied with devastating floods, rampaging cyclones and horrific fires.

Those Oprah-filled days seem so far away now – almost dream-like.

Continue reading "When Oprah runs the world, we’ll all get free Audis!" »

WEDNESDAY 02/02/11

9:00am

In Kerang, Victoria, visiting mother. Helping clean up house after floods. Damage has been extensive, and mother’s insurance may not cover the entire bill. Mother is at least relieved that, as a flood victim, she will get an exemption from Gillard’s flood tax levy. Maybe I should change my postal address to also avoid levy?

Go downtown for breakfast. Locals keep telling me I look familiar. Reluctant to reveal that I am an MP. Have already heard my quota of flood stories from mother. Decide to tell locals I work in insurance. Serious mistake. Pretty sure I would be better off pretending to be Greens Senator.

Decide not to change postal address - don’t want to end up representing these people.

Continue reading "Diary of a Liberal frontbencher: Flood levy" »

9.42 pm. Saturday night update. Three match points to Clijsters. Please ignore everything below. This has been a totally engrossing women’s final… unbearable tension. Hang on. Gotta let the cat in. 

So I’m watching an Australian Open mixed doubles battle between four players who are almost as good as suburban A-grade singles players. Then whoosh! Just like that! A pigeon lands on the ledge outside my office window.

And not just any pigeon, but one of those really rare and beautiful grey ones! Awesome! An actual grey pigeon. Wow, what a sight.

But back to the tennis. Things are getting really exciting in a fourth round women’s match between two grunting Russian baseliners when… hang on. Hey, I just noticed we’ve still got our Christmas decorations up at work. Oooh, and what about that gorgeous row of paper dalmation baubles. It must’ve been up six weeks and I swear I just saw it for the first time. Heh-he. Dalmatians.

Continue reading "Gosh, hasn’t the tennis been smashing this year…" »

Channel 10 has launched its bold bid for an older, smarter, bigger-spending demographic by unveiling a young cub reporter, George Negus, who looks to have a real future in journalism.

Negus is said to be 68 and a veteran of Australian TV news and current affairs, but he cannot possibly be, as no one over the age of 30 has ever willingly worn an item of leather neck jewellery like the one above.

George Negus – if indeed that is the youthful cub’s real name – is the anchor of the new show, 6pm With George Negus. You can tell he’s the anchor because he helpfully did a publicity shot wearing what looks like a mock military shirt with an anchor motif (see below).

Continue reading "Ten unveils gun young reporter “Georgie Boy” Negus" »

Monday 13/12/10

6:00am

Arrive in office. Ask mini-Rudd if he’s prepared the morning news summary. Mini-Rudd says he’d really prefer I called him Lucas. Tell mini-Rudd I’d really prefer it if he were older than 22, because I find it really awkward having to push around my chief of staff.

Mini-Rudd says as chief of staff he should not have to do news summary. Demand mini-Rudd get me coffee before he finishes news summary. Mini-Rudd grumbles something about going to the union.

Continue reading "Journal of a Rudd staffer: a touching soap Oprah" »

As we approach summer, its natural to do some kind of stocktake, a bit of a personal inventory of where you stand at the end of another year.  And in a socially mobile society such as ours, the question on many lips will be whether this year was the year in which they could finally say, “I have arrived.”

You will have heard of a departure checklist.  Well, in a similar vein, and with a view to helping those everywhere labouring under uncertainty, this article undertakes to provide a ready-made, simple to use arrival checklist. Simply work through the items below and record whether you have performed or demonstrated all of the relevant requirements.

1.  Acquired incompetence – This is an umbrella term used to describe the phenomenon experienced by successful people whereby, although they have got where they are through their general competence, and usually an acute self-awareness of such competence, they are now unable to do anything for themselves.

Continue reading "Punch list: how you know you’ve really arrived!" »

The FIFA World Cup bid announcement won’t be the only huge story tonight. In America, at 4am eastern Australian time, NASA appears certain to announce it has found signs of life on a moon of Saturn.

No doubt it’ll just be boring microbes or, you know, some kind of shapeless Lara Bingle monster. But hey, life’s life. Well done, NASA. Thank you in advance, as they never, ever say in the classics.

Only one question now remains. Is there any evidence of life in NASA itself? Let’s examine the evidence…

Continue reading "Is there life on NASA?" »

There has been no ticker tape parade. No roast and no toast. But here at The Punch, we’re all for big send-offs.

So before that spectacularly gifted Test cricketer Nathan Horowitz fades into cricketing obscurity, let’s recap the greatest performances of the man who was so good, we hardly noticed Shane Warne was gone. So many to choose from. Here are six of the best…

Continue reading "Ethan Hauritz. We will not forget you." »

SUNDAY 24/10/10

Morning

Costello dropped in to Melbourne office today. Has copy of Howard memoirs. Says he is checking it for errors, misrepresentation, and slander. Book is dog eared and crammed with post-it notes.

Costello asked if I kept any records during Costello/Howard era.

Tell Costello I kept a diary.

Costello asks if I could check it. He is doing a ring around to get source material. Is thinking of writing a scathing review of Howard’s book for The Monthly.

Continue reading "Diary of a Liberal Frontbencher: My memoir" »

The new paradigm has begun to play mind games with our federal MPs. Yesterday nobody was quite sure what was expected of them. At times it was a little embarrassing to watch, like some awkward kid consistently dancing out of time at the Rock Eisteddfod

Manager of Opposition Business and chief prosecutor in the case of Gillard v the BER Christopher Pyne copped the worst of it. Pyne didn’t ask for a division on a vote that would have forced a judicial inquiry into the Government’s BER spending. A vote the Coalition lost. Awkward.

No matter, Pyne plans to introduce his bill into the Senate after a session with the choreographer on Thursday afternoon.

Continue reading "The Punch answers the questions of confused MPs" »

SATURDAY 09/10/10

Morning

Abbott Press Secretary (APS) calls. Wants me to come to meeting at 0900.

Do not like it when Abbott’s staff start using 24 hour time. Usually means Abbott plans to use all 24 hours in day.

0900

Meeting with Abbott.

Abbott hands me envelope – says it contains vital national security briefing. Will read on Monday. Today am meeting wife in Canberra to go to Floriade (Flower and Garden Festival). Wife has spent all week planning flower viewing.

Continue reading "Diary of a Liberal Frontbencher: War weary" »

Great news! This article is 73 per cent more coherent than anything ever written on this website, and all because I’m wearing a small, elastic thingy on my wrist.

Granted, it’s not one of the $60 Power Balance powerbands that sports stars like Andrew Bogut and Nick Riewoldt and Benji Marshall are all suddenly wearing. It’s actually just a purple rubber band from the asparagus I chopped this morning while pre-preparing tonight’s stir fry.

But that’s doesn’t matter. Point is, I’m wearing the purple band and it feels absolutely terrific. Amazing things are happening, as my body’s natural energy field whirls me into a phantasmic flurry of super-performance.

Continue reading "Little rubber band gives my journalism extra balance" »

Having recently been in New York I am able to present the playbill lyrics of a show that opened off-off-off-off-off Broadway last month. Despite overwhelmingly harsh reviews from numerous critics it appears the production is going to have a surprisingly extended run.

A Night at the Ballot

Opening scene: Julia Gillard’s office. A number of faceless men lurk in the shadows behind Julia.

Continue reading "A Night at the Ballot: Election 2010, the musical" »

Thursday, 26 August, 2010

7:00am

Horrible nightmare. Dreamt election never ended, then suddenly realised I was awake.

8:00am

Meeting in my office with Abbott, Alby Schultz and Hockey to discuss negotiations with Independents and costings.

Abbott says Treasury cannot be trusted. Just look at lying leakers like Godwin Grech. Point out that Grech leaked to Malcolm Turnbull. Abbott says that’s exactly his point.

Schultz proposes divide-and-conquer approach to Independents. Says it worked with the three musketeers. Unclear whether Schultz took away central message of Three Musketeers.

Abbott likes idea. Schultz will talk to Windsor. Shultz says they share language: Fair-Dinkumese.

Wants me to speak to Oakeshott.

Abbott will talk to Katter.

Continue reading "Diary of a Liberal frontbencher: The indy wars" »

In a major NRL bombshell, departing Melbourne Storm player Greg Inglis has hinted that he might actually play rugby league in 2011.

The star centre was snared last week by the Brisbane Broncos on media and sponsorship deals worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. But this website can exclusively reveal he is also set to take up a surprise playing role to the tune of $300,000 a year.

“Obviously my main priority will be the off-field stuff, especially my appearances on The Footy Show,” Inglis said. “Though whether I assume the role of the tryhard funny boofhead or the straight boofhead is still to be decided.

Continue reading "NRL shock: Greg Inglis may actually take the field in 2011" »

They had the decency to give them a turn, but after thousands of years of patriarchy working so well they should have known better. They brought home the bacon; we cooked it. They fought off the lions and tigers so we could raise our offspring in safety.

But a little while ago, following years of nagging by those insufferable suffragettes, they caved – men finally gave women the vote.

After watching the gendered worm on Nine’s coverage of the debate however, I have to say: what the hell were men thinking? It looks like giving the ladies a few democratic rights was a mistake on par with offering an honest answer to the question, “Does my bum look big in this?”

Continue reading "Women really do react to politics differently to men" »

Politics schmolitics. Everyone knows that sport is the one true obsession in this country. So let’s translate this bewildering election business into sporting speak. Ah, that’s better. Now we can all make sense of it.

ELECTION CAMPAIGN: A tedious, drawn out equivalent of the football finals which is essentially pointless, given you know the two grand finalists six weeks in advance.

THE ECONOMY: A huge, volatile entity which no one can control, though everyone claims they can. Like Barry Hall.

Continue reading "Game of two halves: a sports lover’s guide to the election" »

With World Cup fever gripping the globe, a top-ranking FIFA official says he is stunned that Australia’s AFL season continues to thrive.

“It’s as though the masses in Australia’s southern states are oblivious to the fact that the world’s biggest sporting event is now in its cut-throat final phase,” the official told this website.

“Football is the world’s most popular sport, yet still 80,000 fans fill your Melbourne Croquet Ground to watch the strange game of ALF.

Continue reading "Exclusive! FIFA bemused by our AFL obsession" »

They come from far, they come from wide. They come with a fire in their bellies and a penchant for the written word that not even a million monkeys on a million typewriters could even dream of topping no matter how many sonnets they secured or peanuts they procured with their feverish and dexterous opposable thumbs. They are, of course, and without a shadow of a flickering doubt - bad writers.

The bad writer is a mystery for the ages. A mystery, wrapped in a riddle, snug as a bug in a tightly woven and off-white or eggshell coloured woollen rug.

The fact remains that since man has walked the earth since time immemorial, our command of language above all is what has set man apart from beast; what has separated the men from the boys (by men I of course mean men, and by boys I mean animals).

Continue reading "I hate bad writers with a fiery passion in my heart" »

MONDAY 21/06/10

Morning – 6:00am

Back at work refreshed from long weekend, took ALL of Sunday off. Watched Socceroos draw with Ghana. Thought they did well but media seemed REALLY hostile to the coach!

Check latest Newspoll. Great for PM: ALP 52 – Libs 48. Everyone feeling more relaxed, except Rudd Press Secretary (RPS). Economics Adviser (EA) tells RPS that if he had a healthy understanding of statistics he would probably relax a bit more. RPS agrees but says he enjoys being a normal person capable forming lasting and meaningful relationships with the opposite gender. EA points out he has long-term girlfriend! RPS asks EA if he’s ever heard of “outliers”.

9:00am

Just found out EA and I are going to G20! Might meet Obama! OMG so West Wing!!!

Continue reading "The final journal of a Rudd staffer" »

People always tell me that my hair isn’t red, it’s strawberry blonde. It’s as if they are paying me a compliment, like having red hair is something to be ashamed of. Well ladies and gentlemen, not today. Thanks to our new prime minister, being a redhead doesn’t just mean you have two copies of a recessive gene on chromosome 16, it means you are a winner.

If you are one of the many people who followed the leadership challenge on Twitter, you would have noticed that references to Julia Gillard’s red hair were made almost as often as references to the fact that we have our first female prime minister. It’s clear that the red hair thing is an issue for us as a society.

Those of us blessed with a fiery red mop make up only 1-2% of the human population. As much as our struggle pales in comparison to that of racial minorities, homosexuals and many other oppressed groups, the fact is that we are a minority.

Continue reading "Return of the ranga" »

Congratulations to all comrades who attended the official launch of the Rich Bastards Union (RBU) at our official launch in Perth last week.

It was inspiring to see so many of you prepared to join together and protect the billions you have worked so hard to earn. The message to the Prime Minister could not have been clearer – keep your grubby hands of our minerals!

It was also heart-warming to see the support that so many ordinary millionaires offered as we take this principled stand for the fundamental right to make a fortune digging up bits of Australia and shipping it off to the highest bidder.

Continue reading "Minutes of the first meeting of the Rich Bastards’ Union" »

This month’s debate about banning the burqa was set off by a blog post written by Liberal Senator Cory Bernardi. But instead of banning a piece of clothing, perhaps it’s time to consider banning him, instead.

Imagine a future Australia with Cory Bernardis on every street corner. Where children enjoying an otherwise pleasant family day at the beach could find themselves distraught by the sight of a horde of South Australian Liberal Party senators descending on the sand with their terrifying political thought bubbles. Is this the kind of future we want?

Left unchecked, Cory Bernardis could form ghettos, with God Save The Queen being played over loudspeakers five times a day. Youngsters dressed like Cory Bernardi will gather to listen to bands that performed at WOMADelaide, flashing their Young Liberals membership cards while they cite studies that say climate change isn’t caused by humans.

Continue reading "Forget the burqa, how about a ban on Cory Bernardi" »

MONDAY 19/04/10

Morning - 6:30am

Arrived at Parliament for my first day in the Prime Minister’s Office. Decided to maintain this journal to keep a record of this historic time.

I was met at the security desk in Parliament by another staffer, Jean. She greeted me with the phrase “good afternoon”. I laughed, thinking it was a joke.

Jean showed me my desk and told me the PM’s Press Secretary (everyone calls him Rudd’s Press Secretary - RPS) would be in to welcome me to the office.

Continue reading "Journal of Rudd Staffer: of Garrett, hospitals and childcare" »

Yet again, Mr Rudd has announced plans for his lame My School website in the name of lifting the standards of all Australian schools. And yet again, he’s missed the boat with his scheme to publicise next month’s National Assessment Program Literacy and Numeracy (NAPLAN) tests. If he was really serious about improving the educational lot of all young people, he’d take the lead of Australia’s most prestigious learning institution: Geelong Grammar.

Doing its best in its quest to bridge the ever widening gap between the educational haves and have-nots, Grammar recently opened a $16 million ‘wellness’ facility - humbly described on the school’s website as “an exciting new direction in education, building confidence, optimism and success in young people”. Thank god. This sort of service couldn’t have come soon enough to some of the most advantaged elites in our community.

Students of Australia’s richest learning establishment finally have access to two indoor courts, a 25 metre heated pool, large gymnasium with a weights room, ergometers, aerobics and dance areas, teaching spaces, a café, health information areas with online resources, a nine-bed medical facility, and doctors’ consultation rooms.

Continue reading "Forget Gillard school halls - how about wellness centres?" »

Thanks to the way Tony Abbott announced his maternity leave plan, thought bubbles seem to be in vogue this week so here’s one for a breezy Friday brainstorm.

Mandatory clown suits for social welfare recipients. What do you think?

The key benefit, as argued by the person who thought of it first, is that people on welfare will be making the country happier as everyone likes looking at clowns. (Stay with me.)

Continue reading "Clown suits for dole bludgers – could it work here?" »

Is this the greatest ever send-up of 24-hour news? Warning: contains strong language and hilarity. From The Onion.

Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

Is it only in obnoxious cities like Sydney where people bang on about interest rates and property prices?

And is it just people I’ve met or is it all of you? Don’t lie – I watch a lot of TV and judging by the nightly news and those current affairs programmes on commercial stations, everyone is obsessed with this stuff.

There are endless stories on the big banks ripping us off with higher rates, tips on how to invest in property, what the next hot areas to buy into will be etc etc.

Continue reading "Home ownership is a trick being played on you" »

Lefties and other decent folk are wetting their pants at the prospect of that beacon of excellence Barack Obama and his telegenic family visiting our shores next month.

Since coming onto the public radar, Obama has achieved pop-star status as the great hope for our shared dreams of equality.

But is this really what he represents?

Continue reading "If minorities want equality, don’t look at the Obamas" »

The ABC has been criticised for not mentioning the “M” word in their coverage of the arrest of the alleged terrorists in Victoria, for planning an attack on the Holsworthy army base in Sydney.

There have been calls from media pundits that members of the relevant community condemn terrorism.

As a member of the relevant community I’m not afraid to use the “M” word: Melburnian.

Continue reading "As a proud Melburnian, I denounce all terrorism" »

This poster depicting Barack Obama as the Dark Knight Joker is currently causing a stir in America and the rest of the world.

Debate on the subject has been raging online and in papers on what the poster means, from those claiming it shows a backlash against Barack Obama to arguments that it is a popularised racist attack on the President.

But perhaps what is most interesting about the poster is that we’re even surprised that people are now openly mocking the American President. The debate itself is probably an indication of how incredibly popular Obama still is.

Continue reading "Why are people so fascinated by the Obama Joker poster?" »