Rugby World Cup

So let’s get this straight. New Zealand teams can perform a ritualised tribal war dance before sporting contests, complete with throat-slitting gesture. But if the opposition has the temerity to encroach upon them, that’s unacceptable.

Worse than unacceptable. It’s a protocol breach apparently deserving of a $15,000 fine, which is the amount rugby’s governing body the IRB plans on slugging the French.

Prior to Sunday’s Rugby World Cup final, the All Blacks assumed their usual formation for their customary bout of tongue-wagging, eyeball popping and general silliness, culminating in the delightfully family-friendly act of throat-slitting.

Continue reading "Aah speet on your haka, you feelthy Kiwi peegs" »

So a series of scrums, hakas and a particularly lengthy bout of Quade-hating later, the Rugby World Cup is finally over. The All Blacks triumphed over the French last night at Eden Park.

Whaddidya you think of the match? Were you happy with the result? And what did you think of the Cup itself?

I interviewed a bunch of Kiwi sports fanatics a few weeks ago and among other things, asked them what it would mean for the All Blacks to win the Cup. “It’d boost morale hugely, boost confidence in every aspect of our lives,” one Nu Zulunda told me. Ant’s been all over the World Cup these past few weeks too and you can find his articles about the Cup at the bottom of this post.

And hey, it’s Monday. What else is on your mind, folks?

Beleaguered and hopelessly out-of-form Wallabies fly half Quade Cooper is currently suffering a barrage of hate of the sort usually reserved for criminals and lying politicians.

He doesn’t deserve it. He deserves a healthy dose of public scepticism after two truly terrible World Cup performances, but he doesn’t deserve the sort of bile being poured out across the internet today.

Before the Cup, Cooper was widely hailed as Australia’s great hope. Rod Macqueen, who coached the 1999 Wallabies to World Cup glory, said he was the one player with the “X-factor to make the difference”. Fairfax scribe Spiro Zavos called him “the Picasso of the pass”.

Continue reading "Quade Cooper buried in a scrum of hate" »

Was a week that started with endless huffing and puffing over the carbon tax ever going to end in anything other than a black out?

The Wallabies didn’t lose their Rugby World Cup semi final against New Zealand last night because Quade Cooper kicked the very first ball of the match over the sideline, and was largely ineffectual thereafter. Though as omens go, that first kick was a doozy.

Neither, as some are suggesting, did they lose because of biased refereeing, or because the result was somehow influenced by telecast sponsor Tom Waterhouse - the son of a bookmaker implicated in Australia’s greatest racing scandal.

Continue reading "All Black Sabbath" »

Australians will have more to worry about than the jubilant crowing of four million kiwis if Quade Cooper et al fail to pull their finger out tomorrow night.

For the earth will move not just in Christchurch but throughout the land of the long white cloud if the All Blacks can overcome their choking form and progress to the final. Not for the country cousins a bit of scarf waving and a few Steinies to celebrate: Nope, the entire nation has promised they will literally root for the boys should victory come to pass.

Never mind Costello’s one for mum, one for dad and one for the country, the Kiwis are poised to deliver one for the All Blacks, with 96 per cent of the country saying they plan on having sex if New Zealand wins the Rugby World Cup.

Continue reading "Kiwis rooting for victory, and hopefully afterwards too" »

Prepare for a week of verbal warfare. Here on the civilised side of the ditch, expect perfectly hilarious sheep jokes, gibes about silly accents and clever references to the dole queue at the Bondi Junction branch of Centrelink.

Over in the land of the long white ugg boot, expect endless tedious quips about Quade Cooper, Quade Cooper and Quade Cooper. With a few Quade Cooper jokes thrown in for good measure.

Cooper is the Wallabies fly half who grew up in New Zealand but left when he was a schoolboy because his mother wanted him to play for a team that didn’t choke every World Cup. The Kiwi version of the story is that he left in order to raise the IQ of both countries.

Continue reading "We’ll smesh ewes Kiwis like fush and chups, eh brus" »

An NRL superstar is a hero to the town of Whakatane, on the coast of New Zealand’s North Island. His name is Benji Marshall.

Marshall grew up there. Part of his family still lives there. He went to the local school until he was offered a scholarship to play for a rugby league team on the Gold Coast when he was 16.

“He’s a legend mate,” says the events manager for the Whakatane district council, Mike Van Der Boom. Marshall and his team didn’t make it through to this evening’s Grand Final. But with the New Zealand Warriors through to only their second rugby league grand final ever and the country hosting a Rugby World Cup where the All Blacks are strong contenders for the title, football fever is in the air in Whakatane.

Continue reading "Kiwis flapping their wings, and they might just take off" »

There are dilemmas within dilemmas within dilemmas when it comes to watching sport on telly.

The big one, which The Punch’s token sport yob Ant is always bugging us about, concerns who controls the telly in his single TV household. Basically, when Friday night crime comes on the ABC at 8.30, Ant’s wife gets control of the remote and that’s that.

But aside from all the usual dilemmas surrounding TV and sport, this weekend has thrown up a doozy. Quite simply, which sport to watch?

Continue reading "Friday Dilemma: which sport to watch this weekend?" »