Royal Family

Pop quiz – name an AC (Companion of the Order of Australia). Quick! Nice try but probably no cigar.

At the risk of putting two and two together and coming up with 147, The Punch detects (speculates wildly) the time might be ripe for a swing back to the days of Sirs and Dames.

Perhaps it’s John Howard’s induction into the Order of Merit or the fact the Queen finished 2011 with a grin as wide as the Empire of old.

Continue reading "Arise Sir John? Who dares bring back the knighthood" »

Alexander Downer has a disturbing lack of faith in Australia and Australians. How else to explain his column in The Advertiser where he appeared to suggest without the good graces of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II Australia would slip into some sort of blood-soaked revolution.

Mr Downer invoked the situation in Libya, mentioned the horrors of the Russian Revolution and even the French Revolution then pondered why our nation is “quiet, placid, peaceful Australia”.

His conclusion? The Queen.

Continue reading "The Queen is not the glue holding Australia together" »

We now know courtesy of the Queen’s meeting with horseracing king Bart Cummings that Her Majesty is not much of a punter. Were she so inclined, the Queen could do worse than wagering a lazy fiver on the chances of the British Royal Family seeing off any renewed push by Australian Republicans for constitutional change.

I write this as a republican of the most common kind; the do-nothing kind, the kind who is slightly irritated that we had our chance at constitutional change and blew it, but doesn’t care enough to do anything about revisiting the issue.

The two things which jarred with me most about the republican push in Australia were the ineffective tactics used to market constitutional change, with the yes vote spearheaded by two of our worst prime ministers, the economically incompetent Gough Whitlam and the do-nothing Malcolm Fraser, and the overblown claims as to the impact any change would have on our national psyche, as if we are somehow a weak and insipid nation for being a constitutional monarchy.

Continue reading "Long to reign over us: royals have the edge on republicans" »

What a month it’s been for our Royal Family. Yesterday we pretended to celebrate the Queen’s Birthday, even though it’s not actually her birthday at all. Despite having a perfectly functional and distinctly Australian honours system on January 26, in keeping with tradition we again used the Queen’s pretend birthday to recognise those Australians who have given of themselves to the community.

While their efforts should be recognised, it seems quaint that this recognition is still linked to old concepts of Empire which our new system of publicly-elected honours recipients sought to phase out some 34 years ago.

On Friday, the Duke of Edinburgh turned 90, granting a rare interview to the BBC to observe the occasion. Prince Philip said that as he entered his 10th decade on earth he now intended to shift things down a gear. “I reckon I’ve done my bit,” he said, without elaborating as to what his “bit” actually was, unless you count making off-colour remarks to dusky chaps in the former colonies as a form of employment.

Continue reading "Long to reign over us: our immovable Royals" »

We’re baaaack….Hello? Anyone there? We were just wondering if we could borrow a cup of sugar? Ok you caught us, we actually want you to do our survey. Now.

It’s around for a limited time only. So just click on this link and give us a piece of your mind. Go on, you know you want to!

Now we might be opening a can of worms with this one, but on this day in 1953, Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor officially became Queen Elizabeth II, the monarch of the British Commonwealth. Good show, old chap!

So do you think Will is fit to be King now that he’s tied the knot? And will Australia still be part of the Commonwealth by the time that happens?

Post-birthday hangovers here at The Punch. How are you? Make yourselves comfortable and tell us all about it…

It was the night that Australia turned back the pages of history and showed its love affair with royalty is far from dead.

Featuring a handsome prince and a beautiful bride, Friday’s fairytale wedding between William and Catherine captured the hearts of millions of true blue Aussies as they tuned in to televisions in living rooms, pubs and party venues around the nation to watch the regal celebrations unfold in London.

The pomp, ceremony and celebrity of the occasion were enough to give hardened republican supporters a bad case of indigestion, but for once their complaints were swamped by the royal euphoria.

Continue reading "Oh what a night! A right royal retro revival" »

Love makes a marriage, even a Royal one. This is the simple and powerful message of the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, one that’s relevant to Australia’s same-sex marriage debate.

Once royal weddings were about dynastic alliances. That began to change in the twentieth century, but still there were limits on who a royal married, famously illustrated by the abdication of Edward VIII to marry a divorcee.

As recently as the marriage of William’s father, Charles, to Lady Di, it was inconceivable that an heir to the throne would marry outside the aristocracy or have a relationship with his fiancé prior to the wedding.

Continue reading "Even the Windsors recognise same-sex marriage" »

The outpouring of saccharine dross about the upcoming Royal Marriage has thrown into sharp relief the spectacularly low expectations we have of Royals.

William and Kate are being feted as the saviours of the monarchy largely because they are not foolish, badly behaved muppets and are not an embarrassment to the institution and the country.

Indeed they seem like reasonably likeable, down-to-earth people considering their situation - keeping in mind that I am making a totally uninformed judgment here.

Continue reading "Kate and Will: Officially not complete muppets" »

When Prince Charles visited Australia in March, 2004, he boarded a large military helicopter in Canberra and flew to Gunning, a small town near Goulburn, NSW, where he spent the morning visiting some kind of organic farm. It made for a great story on ABC Radio’s Country Hour, but didn’t exactly resonate with the wider community.

Compare that to Prince William, whose tour de disaster zone this week has been an absolute tour de force. When necessary, Will has overstepped the bounds of protocol, hugging the commoners as the mood struck him. He was also professionally standoffish as required, most notably when he wisely declined to answer a bystander’s question about recalcitrant insurers.

It’s a gift, this business of playing the people’s royal. Will’s mother Diana had it. His father Charles doesn’t. And given that pretty much the only reason the royal family still exists is to pep up the public spirit, there’s only one conclusion – and that’s that William should be the next British Monarch.

Continue reading "The man who should be king" »

Welcome to Monday at The Punch

Splitsville. Wills and Kate beware, today’s an unlucky date for British royal couples. Both Princess Margaret (the queen’s sister) and Prince Andrew (the queen’s younger son) ended their respective marriages (1972, 1992) on this day in history.

What’s on your mind? Share it here.

Everyone take a breath. Kate Middleton, the princess in waiting, is not perfect.

Yes she’s pretty, yes she’s slim, yes she’s discreet and yes she’s just weeks from walking down the Abbey aisle with the man once branded the world’s most eligible bachelor. But Kate’s list of achievements ends there.

The clamour is on for the new Diana - someone who’s glamorous, a little bit tough and a whole lotta saint. Kate’s not your girl. Nor is she a good role model for the young women of Australia.

Continue reading "Our Kate. She can flip pancakes!" »

Has all this royal wedding talk made you think about Princess Diana? I know she was much-derided when she was alive – what with the nutty psychics, playing the paparazzi and preying on other women’s partners. But, come April 29, there’s going to be an empty seat at Westminster Abbey and, sappy as it sounds, I know that will make me sad.

Diana would have been 50 this year – a fabulous age to watch your first-born son marry the woman he loves. You can speculate all you like on how she might have stolen the show, but she was nothing if not an instinctive and affectionate mother.

What was fascinating about Diana was that both her life and death provoked a visceral response – not an intellectual one. Occasionally her actions made us think (her charity work for AIDS/landmines) but, more often, she made us feel. Struggling with the same problems as the rest of us – men, parenting, body image – she was like Julia Roberts’ character in Notting Hill: “I’m also just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

Continue reading "There will be an empty seat at the royal wedding" »

Anyone seeking linguistic confirmation of the weirdness that comes from associating with royalty should look no further than our very own dinki-di princess Mary Norgen-Vaaz, or whatever her surname became after she got hitched to that rich norseman.

Almost overnight, Mary went from being just another foxy bogan chick dancing around her handbag at Sydney’s Slip Inn, punching in the Bacardi Breezers and wooo-hoooing when Blur’s Song #2 came on, to sounding like some la-di-dah Queen Elizabeth impersonator. Not only did her perfectly normal Australian intonations make way for the plummy accent which the BBC defines as “received English”, she even adopted the tortured sentence structures of QEII. On the occasion that one becomes a member of the Danish Royal Family one is struck not only by one’s sense of duty but also one’s place in a long and proud tradition, one is.

Princess Mary is of course a perfectly nice person and her relationship with Prince Frederik could be described unimaginatively as a fairy tale. The same can be said of Prince William and Kate Middleton who are now doing their bit for magazine circulation and the sale of Franklin Mint commemorative plates by tying the knot.

Continue reading "Our dysfunctional enduring relationship with royalty" »

He’s finally done it. After nine years together, approximately 76 fascinators and most of Will’s head of hair, the second in line to the throne has managed to get down on bended knee and give his long-time girlfriend one hell of a sparkler (12 carats in fact).

It propels Kate Middleton, long the fodder of the voracious paparazzi pack and Hello! devotees, well and truly into the global spotlight.

And it is today that the work really begins for Catherine Middleton. She faces perhaps the most daunting and dramatic transformations, to somehow deftly emerge from the shadow of one the most iconic, albeit neurotic, personalities of the 20th century.

Continue reading "Can Kate save the English Royal family?" »

It is always a bit shocking when nominal republicans, usually those in public life, suggest we should delay making Australia a truly independent nation. We understand why they do it – most politicians would probably much rather leave the republic issue in the too-hard basket – but still we find it quite perplexing.

An Australian republic, after all, is our Australian issue. It is about us as a nation, as a people. As such, we can and should grasp it whenever we summon the national will to do so. Can you seriously imagine a citizen of the USA agreeing to a foreign national serving as the Head of State of the USA? Or of a German agreeing to a French national being at the apex of their constitutional arrangements?

Either possibility is, of course, unimaginable. Unfortunately, this is precisely the situation we have here in Australia today. We calmly accept that the eldest son of an English / German aristocratic family, who must be a member of the Church of England, sits by birthright – without regard to accomplishment – at the top of our constitutional tree. It almost seems as if we agree with Prince Andrew who recently claimed that it was in the Windsor genes to lead. Do we really think that in egalitarian Australia? Of course not.

Continue reading "Why is Australia waiting for the Queen to die?" »

Even if this turns out to be the last piece of cake Swedish Crown Princess Victoria will eat without feeling guilty or having to run 10 kilometres, her marriage to personal trainer Daniel Westling should go down in the history books as one royal fairytale “most likely” to have a happy ending.

Because while their wedding in Stockholm on Saturday had enough pomp and ceremony to rival the “mother of all royal weddings” - Charles and Di circa 1985 - at least the Swedish princess, despite some resistance from her family, was free to choose her own “prince charming”, even if he was just one of the “common folk”. And given his day job, she’s also pretty much guaranteed to keep those toned biceps for life.

One of the great buzzwords of modern corporate wankery is “monetise”, an unattractive, cooked-up verb meaning to make money out of something. While I’m reluctant to contribute to its spread, it’s about time someone came out and congratulated the Duchess of York for finding a way to monetise the Royal Family.

Her bold move to sell access to her former husband Prince Andrew for £500,000 has been condemned by many as a debasement of everything the Royal Family stands for.

It is obviously just that, as for centuries the Royal Family has stood firmly for the view that it is the God-given birthright of its eccentric members to live high on the hog at terrific public expense.

Continue reading "Arise, Sarah Ferguson, a Royal who can pay her way" »

It’s that time of the year again – April has become the crazy royal month in the media and this year is no exception.

Early the other morning, Kerri- Anne Kennelly’s producer called me to say the London media was buzzing with two stories; one was the ongoing speculation about William and Kate, the other about Andrew’s and Fergie’s daughters, Beatrice and Eugenie.

So I rushed into Channel Nine’s studio and shared my thoughts on both matters with Kerri-Anne’s huge audience.

Continue reading "Even the Royals are sick of themselves" »

The octogenarian husband of the Australian head of state has done it again – he asked a young female sea cadet if she worked in a strip club! 

Known for his habit of putting both his feet in his mouth, the 88 year old Danish/Greek Prince Philip is saved this latest   gaffe for a young woman who devotes her spare time to naval training.

It would be bad enough if one of his sons made such a remark to a young woman but when a man of Philip’s age gets so out of hand it’s a sign he’s either in his dotage or he’s becoming a bit too dangerous to be let loose in public.

Continue reading "Royal palaces crumbling" »

Amid the continuing debate about our national identity and our constitutional arrangements, readers might be interested in this piece written this weekend for English newspaper The Mail on Sunday about our response to Prince William’s visit. It’s obviously written for an English audience, and it ended up being an embarrassingly positive piece where my republicanism almost abandoned me.

The last thing we need over here in Sydney is another cashed-up foreign interloper buying into the hyper-inflated property market to further jack up prices in the Harbour City.

But Prince Williams’ joking suggestion that he had so fallen in love with Sydney that he intends to buy a house here was not so much condemned as applauded.

Continue reading "How a likeable Prince undermined the republic" »

Don’t think for a moment that last week’s visit by Prince William was anything other than a stunt by the House of Windsor or, at the least, those whose survival depend on its.

Prince William was said to have been “mobbed” as he moved through Victorian country towns. The Beatles were mobbed. The future king was watched. “King of the kids” was the headline. You’ll get that during school holidays, and how fortunate was he to chance upon those?

We aren’t the only nation still constitutionally tied to the old colonial master – there a more than a dozen - but we are the jewel in the crown.

Continue reading "Counterpunch: Wills’ visit was a stunt and a farce" »

Well our local monarchists have worked themselves into a royal frenzy and the hyperbole is coming thick and fast - so let me try to help them get a few things into perspective.

William and his brother Harry - thanks to their gorgeous mother Diana - are the only really normal members of the world’s most dysfunctional family.

Granny Queen is locked into yesterday with her appallingly rude and insensitive husband.

Continue reading "Wills’ visit proves he’s more celebrity than statesman" »

The arrival of young Willie Windsor in the Antipodes has brought renewed attention to the white elephant sitting in Australia’s lounge-room.

The republic has stirred, goaded by the media frenzy surrounding the Prince and the cheap point-scoring by monarchists heralding Willie as the man to save them from well-deserved irreverence.

It is nice to see him out there in Redfern, a slight change of pace from the official welcoming at Admiralty House. It is nice to see him mixing with the kids at Kirribili for lunch (Michael Clarke’s timely ton just snuck him onto the list).

Continue reading "Don’t be distracted by the balding royal" »

It’s time we shooed off our Royal parasites. I don’t want the Queen as Australia’s head of state, and nor do I want her untrustworthy, dysfunctional, self-serving family of heartless opportunists to have any say in our future.

For too long this racist, sexist and unworthy institution populated by dangerously inbred Europeans has arrogantly wielded power it does not deserve – just last week it was revealed the next King of Australia campaigned against the Coalition of the Willing and sarcastically abused “his” Prime Minister, Tony Blair.

Prince Charles son, His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of Wales, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter may be a more pleasant chap – and he may not - and, at least by royal standards, he is quite well educated.

Continue reading "Dysfunctional royal weirdos have no place in Australia" »

AS soon as I can, probably within a couple of years, I hope to take the oath of Australian citizenship. It’s something I take seriously, not least because of the relief of finally being able to cast a vote on who gets to spend my taxes. But it will also place me in the naggingly uncomfortable position of being a citizen of a country whose head of state comes from a family with a long-standing tradition of doing cruel and unusual things to Irish people.

I use the word “naggingly” quite deliberately because despite my qualms about the British royals’ connections with lopping off Irish people’s heads and trying to wring the life out of Ireland’s language and sporting traditions, for some time I have been developing an increasing admiration for the Windsors. On balance I’m looking forward to having some ownership over the monarchy.

Prince William’s arrival this week compounds it. I’ve decided I’m jealous. I have crown envy.

Continue reading "Will could save the monarchy" »

On Tuesday 19th of January, Prince William – the 2nd in line to various thrones – will visit Australia for just the second time. It has been reported that he is doing this to “get to know Australia”.

Since this tour was announced in December, as Media Director for the Australian Republican Movement (ARM), I have been busy with requests from English broadcasters and newspapers.

The interest should have been surprising, since William is only stopping in on Australia for three days for a “semi-official” tour on his way to New Zealand. Moreover, he is visiting only two cities: Sydney and Melbourne. However, given that there has been a massive PR campaign by the Palace to present William as the youthful – cuter – face of the monarchy, it was inevitable that the English press would be awash with expectation about whether Australia would warm to the Prince like good little subjects.

Continue reading "Prince William’s Australia tour - who cares?" »

Prince William’s coming visit seems to have resulted in the dramatic conversion of a republican celebrity. This is none other than the editor and media personality Ms. Ita Clare Buttrose AO OBE, who campaigned for the politicians’ republic during the 1999 referendum.

Readers of the Wentworth Courier, which circulates in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs, were surprised then by her harsh dismissal of the No case and indeed of constitutional monarchists.

Ms Buttrose was the founding editor of Cleo which, with its nude male centrefolds, was aimed at young single women. She later edited the more conservative Australian Women’s Weekly and the Daily and Sunday Telegraphs.

Continue reading "The Prince William effect: republican celebrity converts" »

The secret is out – our next king; unless we come to our senses and become a Republic – will be William, not Charles!

That’s what one of the UK’s most respected newspapers has reported and it’s not journalistic hyperbole;  it’s from a secret document which reveals that the Queen will hand over a substantial part of hers and Prince Philip’s duties to their grandson, by-passing Prince Charles.

But that’s not all. The hapless British taxpayer will be asked to give William more money, and Harry as well, inpsite of the enormous income their father receives annually from the Duchy of Cornwall’s bottomless pit of money.

Continue reading "We’re getting William, whether we like it or not" »

Harry M Miller’s revelation that Prince Charles wondered why Australia remained a constitutional monarchy will come as no surprise to those of us who have been reporting on and watching the British royals for some time.

If there’s one thing that senior members of the royal family detest it’s the fawning and groveling of those they meet, and Australia heads the list of major offenders in that department.

As an example, some years ago the Queen decided that the last century habit of women dropping a curtsy was no longer necessary but the individuals could continue to bend the knee if it made them happy.

Continue reading "If our next King thinks we should be a republic, then…" »

For the past week or so we have been paid visits by two members of Britain’s royal family – Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex (5th in line to the throne) and his cousin Zara Phillips (12th in line).

Edward grabbed a few headlines by putting his foot in his mouth just like his father, the Duke of Edinburgh, has been doing for decades. He reckons some young Australians would be prepared to die while trying to win a Duke of Edinburgh Award. How Edward would know anything about the rough and tumble of Awards winning escapes most people.

He has been cocooned in wealth and privilege since birth; he quit the Royal Marines and opted for a life of acting instead and like most royals has never done real days work in his life.

Continue reading "Monarchists must fume at the invisible royals" »

The Australian monarchists are divided – David Flint and his tightly controlled Australians for a Constitutional Monarchy (ACM) claim the Governor General is the Australian head of state while Philip Benwell and his Australian Monarch League (AML) are with the Republicans – it’s the foreign non resident unelected British Queen who holds this nation’s top job.

Ten years up the track, the debate is simmering away under the surface and right now Flint is holding the trump cards – he is said to pull in half a million dollars a year towards his cause which is remarkable considering ACM has only two members – Flint and his sidekick former Roman Catholic seminarian Thomas Flynn. The movement’s constitution is clever; its run by the pair with the help of would be members, who are non voting “supporters”

Professor Flint’s latest take on the vexed subject of a republic revolves around the quaint notion that if we change the constitution we’ll have a “politician’s republic”. He fails to mention we are now laboring under a “politician’s monarchy” – a point Tony Blair underscored when he pulled the Queen into line over her unbelievable indifference to the death of Princess Diana in 1997.

Continue reading "Right royal lie at the centre of monarchists’ claims" »

First, a confession: I love England. The Beatles and Radiohead are my two favourite bands, I daydream about watching Manchester United beat Liverpool at Old Trafford and I love washing down crumpets with a nice cup of tea as much as anyone.

However, in my role as the National Youth Convener of the Australian Republic Movement, I get to speak to a lot of young people about why Australia should become a republic and how our generation can make a big difference in making that goal a reality.

Unsurprisingly, most of the young people I speak to agree: it’s time for an Australian to be our head-of-state, not a foreign monarch who happened to be the first-born of the previous monarch.

Continue reading "It’s not you it’s me: why we should ditch the royals" »

I realise it is incredibly un-trendy to like the monarchy. Heck, sometimes I even wish that the French revolution had never taken place, if only for my personal amusement of watching England and France compete via the insecurities of their ruling leaders, as they did once upon a time.

Think of all the gowns; the pomp, drama and arrogance; and the lavish court parties that could have taken place, and, lest I forget, the option of eating cake when bread was not available.

But, personal amusement aside, watching The Young Victoria just reinstated how much I like having a queen on a throne, even if she’s technically not part of my country and much of a half world away.

Continue reading "Confessions of a young monarchist" »