New Years Resolutions
Will you be making a New Year’s resolution this year? According to researchers at the University of Sydney, half of all Australians will. We’re a pretty predictable bunch when it comes to resolutions.
No doubt this year our resolutions will include avoiding the 18th series of Masterchef, deciding to ignore cryptic, attention-seeking Facebook updates from friends who never supply the second sentence (“Couldn’t have imagined a worse day ever :-(“), spending less time working, and more time with the family (or vice versa).
Or maybe making no more resolutions.
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I caught up with a group of old workmates just before Christmas and couldn’t believe my eyes.
In the 12 months since our last festive fizz, they’d all shrunk – and by a sizeable amount.
“I’ve lost 16 kilos,” cried one gleefully.
“Ten!” said another.
“More than 20,” said a third.
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Two thousand and twelve is a party away. Enjoy those final few cigarettes, that last packet of Tim Tams, that extra glass of wine, those lazy hours on the couch.
Revel in slouching, swearing, picking your nose and ignoring that old lady who needs help crossing the street. Behold the sum total of the vices your New Year’s resolutions will grab by the throat, tear limb from limb and consign to the bad habits of history.
For a day or two.
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Cookie diets, lemon detox diets, juice fasts, vegan weeks, the master cleanse.
Magazines are full of them, friends bang on about them, and every celebrity worth their size zero britches will happily rave about their benefits.
Is there anything more frustrating, galling, idiotic, and yet somehow tempting than a detox?
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What’s your New Year’s Resolution? Do you even subscribe to that sort of thing?
Mine was to stop drinking so much but I broke that within 24 hours. Must be some kind of record. So, in honour of all those ruined resolutions, here are some suggestions for 2011.
1. NSW Premier Kristina Keneally: Stop lying, or your nose will grow long like Pinocchio’s. If you can’t stop lying, at least attend some of the ethics classes you’re bringing into NSW classrooms. You could learn a thing or two.
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Lying about having epilepsy was when I hit rock bottom on the excuses spectrum.
But when faced with the perfectly reasonable question from a Canberra cabbie who had picked me up twice in a day, as to why a seemingly healthy 27 year old did not just drive himself, I blanked and then came up with: “well I have epilepsy you see, stops you driving.”
Firstly, apologies to any epileptics reading this for using your problem as an excuse to escape the embarrassment of not having my driver’s licence, as well as using possibly factually inaccurate information about epilepsy impeding your ability to drive (a friend with epilepsy just mentioned this once so I especially apologise to him).
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We’re approaching the day where after a month of rampant, random consumerism, and with the humility that only a major hangover brings, people make their New Year’s resolutions. Bad idea.
All you end up with is nicotine withdrawal for a few days, a gym membership you have to pay $5000 to get out of, and a fridge full of rotting “superfoods”.
So what I propose for this year is a more modest approach to becoming a better person: rather than worrying about reaching for a whole lot of unattainable virtues, let’s all just try not being such arseholes.
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