Marketing

Adelaide is no longer the city of churches or the arts capital of Australia. It’s not even Yass with poofs, as famously dubbed by Doug Mulray shortly before he was mercifully removed from national television by Kerry Packer.

According to the people who run the Sydney Fish Markets, Adelaide is now the mullet capital of Australia, a bogan backwater which is ripe for ridicule by the pony-tailed pseuds who run Sydney’s advertising industry.

The Fish Market’s new marketing slogan - “More Mullets Than Adelaide” - says more about Sydney smugness than Adelaide’s earthiness.

Continue reading "Get a dog up ya Sydney" »

New A-League team The Melbourne Heart, who kick off in the 2010/11 season, have unveiled a shocking logo to match their unbelievably stupid team name.

At least they’re consistent.

The logo, which looks like an unironed pair of undies emblazoned with rugby posts, was designed by the “international brand design consultancy” Elmwood, who apparently have offices in loads of big important cities as well as Leeds, UK.

Continue reading "Australia’s worst sports logo: how low can they go?" »

“Shoes make me happy. I’m superficial. Whatever.”

I pass this sign, plastered in the window of a cheap shoe store in Bondi, at least once a week.

Whether it’s meant to be funny or represent the views of its customers, I’m not sure. But the marketing manager behind this cringe-worthy sign has tapped into a solid gold business concept: selling ignorance.

Continue reading "Shoes are fine for feet, they just don’t fit the brain" »

Surely it’s some kind of peer reviewed joke. A researcher at Monash university has published a paper in the British Medical Journal saying it’s time to re-think Santa because he’s an obese, speeding drink-driver who spreads disease and is therefore a bad role model.

Ditto, obviously, for the tooth fairy who is doing a roaring trade in body parts. And the Easter Bunny must be a bad role model too because he brings chocolate and also makes no sense. And the bogeyman, who has questionable hygiene and engages in the potentially deadly activity of climbing up on rooftops to make things go bump.

There are too many bad role models around kids, but they’re much more omnipresent than Santa. The morbidly obese, the lazy, the cheats and liars of the world are everywhere and tragically some kids see this behaviour in their homes 365 days a year. And that’s before you get to rugby league players and drug-addled Hollywood starlets.

Continue reading "Save Santa from wowsers" »

Everyone’s favourite chicken shop (for anyone born after 1992, KFC stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken) has, very surprisingly, branched out into smoothie production.

Obviously, there was a gap in the smoothie market and fried chicken, hot chips and a banana smoothie, or “krusher,” a KFC coined term, really is a winning combo.

Lick it, bite it, taste it, suck it, the hot guys and girls from the sleek TV adverts licking the “real bitz,” off their hands and fingers encourage us to buy, buy, buy.

Continue reading "Krushing independent purchasing decisions" »

I like a bit of luxury as much as the next person. A facial here, an upgrade there. God knows, I’d have more of it … if I could afford it.

But luxury tampons? Sorry, that’s just a teeny bit too far.

I spotted the ad last week. Gorgeous girl (mid-body shot only, no bloat evident). Looks like she never scoffs five burgers in a row or yells at her partner. Never gets PMT. And why would she? She’s using luxury tampons – presumably wrought from the pelt of a resting panda,  tufts of angora rabbit and a tennis bracelet.

Continue reading "Luxury tampons. Only a man could have come up with that" »

So the new name for Vegemite iFail ver. 3.1 is finalised and we can at last put this brand-rape of a national icon behind us.

Cheesybite. There. It’s done. And let us thank gawd they didn’t go with Creamymate (which received six per cent of the vote and sounds like a menu option at a brothel).

Anyway, let us celebrate this new name by going and buying a nice big jar of the original (ver 1.0) and be happy.

Continue reading "Vegemite: how you eat it is what counts" »

You’re locked in a room with a small team and a big decision to make.

Everyone is hanging on your ruling. Which way will they go? What are the ramifications? The announcement will be carried by the national media as soon as its made.

No, you’re not the Reserve Bank board - you’re the marketing team at Kraft.

Continue reading "And you think you’re having a stressful day" »

WHAT’S in a name? Everything - especially if you pick a dud one - as any marketing graduate will tell you.

So why did Kraft put its reputation and that of one of Australia’s best known brands on the line by selecting a ridiculous name like iSnack2.0 for a new variety of Vegemite?

That’s what many Australians have been asking themselves since the infamous iSnack2.0 moniker was unveiled just over a week ago and then, within days, dumped after a rally of public disapproval.

Continue reading "iSnack 2.0 was a lesson in giving love a bad name" »

Was the doomed trade name iSnack 2.0 really the choice of an open competition or was Kraft up to something craftier?

The trade name for the Vegemite-based spread, which was abandoned today amid a hail of ridicule, was registered in Hong Kong two weeks before the competition closed, The Punch can reveal.

Kraft registered iSnack2.0 along two other trade names, Snackerific and Crackertime, on July 30. The competition closed on August 14.

Continue reading "iSnack was a registered name before Kraft closed comp" »

The good people at Kraft have just released the following press release announcing that they are scrapping the name iSnack2.0 for their new spin-off spread and holding another competition.

We’ve run their statement in full - and we want to know from Punch readers - has this whole exercise been one big con job?

30 September 2009: Kraft Foods Australia/New Zealand has today announced that it will change the name of the new Vegemite. Since the new Vegemite hit supermarket shelves in July 2009, Australians and New Zealanders have been invited to come up with a name for the new product; just as Australians did when Vegemite was first launched in this country in 1923.

Continue reading "Vegemitegate: was it all one massive con job?" »

What would happen if everyone followed Kraft’s lead and decided to rebadge great Australian brands with whimsical zeitgeist names? Perhaps something like this. (If you haven’t come across it, “FTW!” means for “For the Win!” and is an expression of approval. Find out more here.)

Penbo wrote about the iSnack 2.0 debacle here today and it has kicked off a most amusing set of comments including one reader who complained the new product was incompatible with Toast 9.0.

Anyway, potentials for Penfold’s Grange, Akubra, and R.M. Williams are over the jump. Suggestions in the comments, please - you can offer new slogans for Aussie brands or email your own poorly-Photoshopped offerings to photos (at) thepunch.com.au.

Continue reading "Other Aussie brands get the iSnack2.0 treatment" »

Someone’s seen the funny side of the iSnack 2.0 national disaster. This is worth watching all the way to the end.

The above headline is a Vegemite-free reworking of Men At Work’s “Down Under”, shamelessly pilfered from Twitter as an example of the hundreds of negative and abusive comments being directed at Kraft over the iSnack2.0 debacle.

On current projections the iSnack2.0 disaster will be taught for years to come in marketing courses as a step-by-step example of how to upset everybody - the oldies who are fiercely loyal to Vegemite in its existing incarnation, and the youngsters who regard the internet-driven name of this (woeful) new brand as patronising gimmickry, akin to Sorbent trying to corner the youth market with a “hip and groovy” new toilet tissue called iShit.

AS any student of yeast-based food extracts can attest, the history of sandwich spreads is a volatile one where passions run high and careers, even entire companies, have risen and fallen on the back of their marketing campaigns.

Continue reading "He just smiled and gave me a iSnack2.0 sandwich" »

Last month, Woodstock Festival – the event that’s come to represent Baby Boomer youth culture in our collective consciousness – turned 40.

Given the Boomers spawned the crazy consumer consumption habits that sent us crashing towards the GFC, it was only fitting for promoters to get the talent off the couch, jab them with Botox and organise the requisite merchandising and exorbitant ticket pricing. Ka-ching!

Meanwhile, the media and marketers have been celebrating ageing while concurrently exploring ways to delay its visible signs in order to appeal to the cash-cow that is the Boomers’ retirement fund (albeit one reduced by the GFC).

Continue reading "Boomers are back in fashion but kids still rule the cash" »

Last week when Simon Crean announced a plan to rebrand Australia, we sought your suggestions for a new national marketing slogan. Penning a line is one thing - but to get the full impact, it may help to see how some of the stand-outs read on a poster. Add your responses and appraisals in the comments - the first attempt is from Eccles:

The rest are after the jump.

Continue reading "Your suggestions for a new national marketing slogan" »

A few nights ago, my nine-year-old daughter fronted me in the kitchen and demanded to know whether it was mandatory to remove one’s underwear when “sexing” with a boy.

Given her previous question was whether Mylie Cyrus is more famous than the Queen, I was totally unprepared and lamely replied, “Ah … generally.”

Her disgusted response quickly attracted her seven-year-old sister and the pair began to fire horrifyingly-detailed queries at me.

Continue reading "Getting the hump with a sweet marketing idea" »

When entrepreneurs or the bosses of industrial giants are deciding where to spend their money, it’s a fair bet they’re not asking which country has the cleverest marketing slogan.

Trade Minister Simon Crean is looking for ideas for a new “brand” for Australia. He’s arguing that we need to be more like New Zealand.

With respect to the Kiwis and their “100% Pure” branding exercise, slogans and slick logos are not the key drivers of success in the global economy.

Continue reading "Here’s a marketing idea: just run the country really well" »

As the 8000-plus readers of Mia Freedman’s Twitter feed will already know, the clothing company, “Cotton On” has launched a new range of baby suits and T-shirts, bearing the amusing
slogan: “They Shake Me.’’

Trouble is, all the babies in the ads for the “They Shake Me” range are bright and happy and smiling at the camera.

Surely, if Cotton On is going to make light of child abuse, they should use a real-life victim of child abuse to model the clothes?

Continue reading "Cotton On thinks child abuse is funny: meet Lincoln" »

It’s a good thing the Aussies have their wives and girlfriends along for the Ashes tour.

Had they not been there, it’s quite probable we would have gone down to county side Northamptonshire because we’ve all been assured by Cricket Australia that the boys play better if the WAGs are in attendance.

Seeing as we have managed to win just one of the seven tour games so far, I tremor at the thought of what would have happened if CA hadn’t had the foresight to support the significant others/B-grade celebrities and female wannabes to stay with the cricketers for the first part of the Ashes.

Continue reading "WAGs aren’t about team happiness, but marketing" »

Well it’s official. People hate marketers, particularly those in advertising. Research by Roy Morgan has ranked advertising as the third most-hated industry across all professions. We’re more hated than union leaders and real estate agents, but just managed to scrape in front of journalists and car salesmen.

All I can say is thank god I don’t work with any car clients because with this article and an interest in marketing I might take the trifecta and actually be the most hated person in the world.

So why do people hate the profession in which I’m going to invest my entire career? I’ll probably agree with what you’ve got to say for the most part, but I should probably at least attempt to convince you otherwise.

Continue reading "I know you hate marketers but face it, you need them" »

Alongside PowerPoint slide design, I think I have a fetish for iPhone applications. Last week I was doing my usual browse through iTunes looking at some of the latest apps when I excitedly discovered one recently released by Tic Tac. I vaguely recalled reading an article about it and how they were apparently one of the leading brands in the digital space.

So I quickly downloaded it, synced it and opened it. And it was shit. So much so that I actually wanted to punch somebody. For those who haven’t seen it, which apparently isn’t many of you because it was downloaded a whole 3000 times in the first week, it’s perhaps the most useless app of all time.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a useless iPhone app. Or even a gimmicky one. Perhaps my favourite app of all time falls into both those categories; iPint (see above video). Released by beer brand Carling, the app appears as a glass full of beer that as you tilt slowly it empties, as though you are drinking it. Yes it’s gimmicky and yes it’s useless. But it’s awesome.

Continue reading "It’s not just a mint - it’s a really bad campaign" »