Love

Ten things I hate about gifts: shopping, choosing, wrapping, posting, forgetting, worrying they cost too much or they don’t cost enough, giving (what if they hate it?), receiving (what if I hate it, but have to pretend I don’t?) and – the worst – opening something from someone you love and feeling as if they don’t know you at all.

I should be a terrific gift giver. I see things I’d love all the time. And I’m always stashing recycled ribbons and baubly bits in the hope of having a Martha Stewart moment.

But as the occasions that demand a gift proliferate – Valentine’s, baby showers, divorce parties – I become more Grinch-like or, as my husband puts it, “meaner than a mouse’s turd”. He’s justified: I did give him cutlery once. But, for several years, he gave me cookbooks until, one exhausted Christmas morning, I snapped: “If you want to eat Nigella Lawson’s food, then you should’ve bloody married her.”

Continue reading "The best Chrissy present is actually just being present" »

Cupid’s been busy this year. We’ve had fairytales: Kate and Wills. Celebrity hook-ups: Warnie and Liz Hurley. And a whole lot of stuff we wish we hadn’t seen: hello Darwin couple on the balcony.

There have also been quite a few broken hearts. Not to mention wallets. Approximately 1600 Australians spent more than $10, 0000 each in the online search for romance this year. Although none more than Dr Neil Wallman, from New South Wales Central Coast, who lost $3m after pursuing a “mismatch” with online dating agency, Hearts United. True story.

But if you’re looking for love in 2012, don’t let stuff like that put you off. Hound your friends, go to any event to which you are asked and pay close attention to your colleagues. And then, and only as a last resort, go online.

Continue reading "Love in the time of internet" »

Compatibility is such a clunky, utilitarian word for the delicate harmony that exists between two people. Yet here I am in a Melbourne cafe, scoffing lemon madeleines and discussing how much of it you need to make a relationship work.

I’ve always thought 80 per cent, give or take another five to accommodate mood swings (mine) and bloody-mindedness (a quality every man I’ve ever fancied seemed to possess). One friend insists on 95 per cent, because “any less and you may as well tattoo ‘doormat’ on your forehead”.

Meanwhile, another pal reckons 60 per cent is sufficient if there’s a reasonable chance of fixing the other 40 (cue much coughing on cake).

Continue reading "Compatibility schmatibility. You’ve got to work at love" »

It is our human relationships that give meaning to our existence. They make the joys of life joyous and the sadness in life sad. The sharing of experiences provides our context, the reference point for our hopes, our travails, our daily endeavours.

Our interrelationships define our society, inspire our creativity. Democracy and art are both functions of the truth that we do not live alone. For many of us this communitarian conviction lies at the core of our politics.

Human relationships haven’t much changed for hundreds of years. Despite the wishes or ignorance of some – whether blissful or baleful – humans have been loving each other in many different ways for centuries.

Continue reading "Human relationships are a many splendored thing" »

You have to admire those fine doctors working at the cutting edge to help people with fertility issues achieve their baby dreams. As well as putting themselves out there by pushing the boundaries of science, many brave even more shark-infested waters: Australian gender politics.

The latest professor to put his head up and get it half bitten off is the veteran Melbourne IVF specialist, Professor Gab Kovacs, a man who must have lost count decades back of how many thousand little Australians he has helped into the world.

Mr Kovacs dared to suggest that rather than banking on new technologies such as egg freezing, women should consider settling for Mr Not-Quite-Right and just get on with it. Without a trace of tone, the worldly Prof Kovacs suggested women should not consider frozen eggs a guarantee of a “family in the fridge’‘.

Continue reading "Mr Not-Quite-Right isn’t always wrong" »

Truth be told, I’m a shocking couple watcher. Appalling. If the couples I stare at weren’t so lovingly locked onto each other – usually by lips or limb – they’d have me arrested for invasion of privacy.

Public displays of affection have always fascinated me. Not so much the attention-seeking, get-a-room-style groping – although I did take great delight in literally blowing the whistle on randy teens when I worked as a pool lifeguard during uni (far more fun than scanning for floaters in the days before aqua nappies).

Rather, it’s the tender touches between couples: the secret smiles; the quiet look of admiration as they watch the person they love tell a story. Whether it’s a fragment of their past or the daft thing they did last week, I’ve always thought you learn more observing the partner listening than the one speaking.

Continue reading "I like to watch. In fact, I find it inspirational" »

The Punch office is right opposite Hyde Park in central Sydney. As the weather warms up, so does the action in the park.

Walk through the park in your lunch hour, and you’ll see birds, bees and young couples who appear to be learning plenty about both.

It’s hard to look away. Well it is. Don’t even think of insulting us by pretending you’re the sort of person who doesn’t stare.

Continue reading "Friday Dilemma: is it OK for couples to snog in the park?" »

There’s a man drought in the city. Single girls outnumber single guys two to one, maybe even three to one. This is true because I’ve read the proclamations in countless articles, seen the stories on A Current Affair and watched in horror as hapless farmers take their pick of a hundred potential wives.

The odds are probably closer to five to one. 

Being newly single and on the fast-track to 30 I know things are stacked in my favour. I can get dressed on my own, cook a balanced meal and my addiction to video games is mild… I can stop playing whenever I want. Really.

Continue reading "A single bloke’s guide to surviving the man drought" »

Shame and humiliation are now par for the course. Privacy and decency are on their way out.  But let’s get one thing straight - kissing is just not made for the internet. 

A great kiss is impossible to transcend. Its magic lies in the moment; the timing, your surroundings and the person with whom you’re sharing it. Their touch, the sound of their voice and most importantly, their smell.

Without these things, a kiss is just all in your mind, right?

Continue reading "Cyberpashing? Dear internet, no. Leave love alone." »

Love makes a marriage, even a Royal one. This is the simple and powerful message of the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, one that’s relevant to Australia’s same-sex marriage debate.

Once royal weddings were about dynastic alliances. That began to change in the twentieth century, but still there were limits on who a royal married, famously illustrated by the abdication of Edward VIII to marry a divorcee.

As recently as the marriage of William’s father, Charles, to Lady Di, it was inconceivable that an heir to the throne would marry outside the aristocracy or have a relationship with his fiancé prior to the wedding.

Continue reading "Even the Windsors recognise same-sex marriage" »

Valentine’s Day is upon us again, which means it’s time for Cupid to whip off his romper suit and start flapping about, making life for the cynical a living hell.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that a flying baby can stir up such a mighty butterfly effect, but every time Feb 14 rolls around, I find I’m once again shocked to be enveloped by this pink and red parallel universe.

As the ‘magical’ day approaches you can feel a change in the air.  Subtle but rampant. There’s an undercurrent of urgency, of desperation. A culture begins to develop where the normally self-possessed among us, lose their collective minds.

Continue reading "This Valentine’s Day spare a thought for the cynical" »

Looking for love? You’d know, then, that most people have a subconscious list of attributes that his or her ideal partner must possess: ‘Must be tall’, maybe. ‘Good looking’. ‘Generous’. ‘Noble of spirit’. ‘Kind to puppies’. Some people’s lists are flexible. Most aren’t. It’s tough out there.

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there’s a new one: ‘Must be able to write’.

In an era where so much of our communication happens via the written word, writing has become as much if not more of an aphrodisiac than a fat bank balance or supermodel measurements.

Continue reading "Seeking tall non-smoker with GSOH and dictionary" »

I’ve been labouring under the false assumption that it’s the fundamentalists, the right wing conservatives standing in the way of gay marriage. Not so. Or not completely.

I now know that there’s a vast spread of middle-of-the-road Australians scared shitless by anything even slightly unconventional when it comes to weddings. They’re everywhere, they’re clinging to tradition with every fibre of their morally indignant being, and they cross into every population group.

There’s enough of them out there who get their full-sized briefs in a knot over non-church weddings to make it clear they’ll never tolerate same-sex unions. 

Continue reading "It’s your special day, but you’re married to the mob" »

As someone who has never been proposed to, but been married twice, I have never received or been given a St Valentine’s Day gift.

Clearly blokes have found other ways of communicating with me. Does it bother me? No. I dispensed with the pretence of caring a long time ago.

Valentine’s Day is for women who like pink, have a teddy collection on their bed, fluffy slippers, and speak, [read ‘whine’] with little girl voices well past puberty.

Continue reading "How many root points will you score on Valentines Day?" »

There’s been much ado about love over the past week. And that’s quite apart from speculation over whether or not Brad and his wacky old-man beard might be reuniting with Jennifer Aniston.

Debate has been stirred around the world courtesy of the book ‘Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough’, by American writer Lori Gottlieb, to be released in the United States this week.

In it, Gottlieb - who is 42 and the single mother of a child conceived via sperm donation - holds herself up as a cautionary tale: if you cling to the (unrealistic) ideal of finding Mr Right, you may end up all alone.

Continue reading "Should women accept a guy who’s just good enough?" »

There were only a few minutes left of the 1970s. Patrick and I were sharing a peaceful New Years Eve joint in a friend’s back yard at quiet Hervey Bay.

We were 21, two of the (then) little town’s bright and shiny minds, the world at our feet, the stars in our sights. Where would we be, we wondered, come the 21st century? What would we be like? Would we follow the generational pattern of wild youth becomes tame middle-aged man becomes conservative old man?

So we made a pact that night, Patrick and I. In fear of turning into our parents, we vowed that each of us, no matter where we were, would be stoned as the 21st century rolled in. But Patrick hesitated. He turned to me under the unnaturally bright stars and said, very seriously: “Does it have to be just grass?”

Continue reading "It looks like Patrick, it must the clouds in my eyes" »

“Sex: Does It Affect Performance?” - the question that gave rise to the immortal response from former test cricketer Merv Hughes: “How would I know?”

The same could be said about our political parties until today, with the release of the Punch’s groundbreaking survey into the links between voting intention and personal relationships.

It finds Labor voters are more likely to value a partner who is a “good lover”, while Liberal voters seek a companion who is “kind and considerate”. Meanwhile Greens just want someone to laugh with/at. As for the swingers? Like name, like nature.

Continue reading "What your sex life says about your voting habits" »

It’s one of pop culture’s great clichés that some actors and some films are best known for their great dying scenes.

I’m watching another dying scene right now, but this is real life and to the people involved, as the weeks have gone by, it seems all the drama has been bleached out of it. The dull flat winter days are turning to vibrant spring. My family is watching my mother slowly dying.

I hold her hand. The cancer inside her is fighting hard. She is resilient and quietly tough and fighting too. But by this stage, we all know what the final result will be. It’s a matter of time, a matter of days. The nurses and the palliative care team, magnificent, tireless, dedicated, work to make her comfortable.

Continue reading "As I watch my mother slowly dying" »

Last week at a lunch to console a newly-divorced friend, I decided to lighten her terror at being “the only single woman left on the planet” and relate an interesting new statistic.

“A recent study in the UK found that in 20 years, one in five women currently in their twenties will never have married and will live alone. See, there’ll be millions like us!” I said cheerily.

Looking at my girlfriend’s face, it became apparent she was not quite as enthralled by this statistical tidbit as me. In fact, judging by her open-mouth stare, anyone would think I had just disembowelled a baby panda and was about to start on a litter of puppies.

Continue reading "Millions of happy single people can’t be wrong" »

I finally got around to watching Twilight recently and, as a result, fear for a generation of impressionable, young and deluded women.

Wherever Robert Pattinson, who plays the enigmatic teen vampire Edward in the blockbuster book and movie franchise, goes these days he is swamped by hysterical young girls who appear headed down a rough old romantic road. And now I know why.

You see, Edward is the template of everything I, and so many women like me, tend to go for in a man which, despite the wisdom of age, several broken relationships and all good intentions, remains best described in one word: unattainable.

Continue reading "Us girls are always sucked in by a blood-sucking bastard" »

The start of every wedding will seem extra tedious now after this couple and their friends raised the bar this high.