Lists

Two weeks ago, I gave 10 reasons why I thought the Winter Olympics were “Higher. Faster. Cooler.”  Now they’re almost over, I thought I’d reflect briefly on what, if anything, we all learned. So. In no particular order, here are 10 things.

1. Climate change is real
Thought I’d throw this one up the top because I don’t get enough right wing spam hate mail. Here’s the thing, though. Vancouver had its warmest January on record and has probably just recorded its warmest February too. Daffodils are out a month early. OK, so it’s the warmest city ever chosen to host a winter games. And yes, other parts of the northern hemisphere have had unusually snowy winters. But really, an average daily max temp of 10 or 11 where it’s usually four or five is one hell of a massive anomaly.

2. London is going to suck
As the stuff-ups subsided and the clouds cleared, beautiful Vancouver gave us a magnificent Olympic backdrop. Twee as it sounds, the Olympics need to take the world’s couch potatoes on something resembling a trip. How on earth will London manage this, wedged as it is between Beijing/Vancouver and Sochi/Rio? No snowy peaks or Copacabana Beach in the south east of England. Just boring, bloody red buses and Beefeaters. God help us all if Oasis or the re-re-re-formed Spice Girls perform at the opening ceremony.

Continue reading "10 things we’ve learned from the Winter Olympics" »

IT may have been more advertising genius than substance but Kevin 07 was a political juggernaut and it rolled right over John Howard’s competent, if tired administration. In so doing, it re-wrote the rules showing voters will bench governments when the economic indicators are favourable if they are bored enough. Back then, Kev-0-Sev had the magic and no matter what Mr Howard did, nothing worked, from backflipping on IR, to embracing the first Australians, to going green with a cap and trade scheme.

Voters had simply had enough. Kevin Rudd was future boy. A Mandarin speaking former mandarin. A square peg who had suddenly found a square hole. As the anti-Howard he was “same same but different’‘. What ever it was, it worked in spades - and they were used to bury the Howard decade.

Yet now, less than a term later, that magic has faded. A pallid looking Rudd is struggling to connect, his 07 mojo ebbing just when he needs it to flow. Is it the emergence of “Straight-talking Tony’’ or is it that having the Opposition back in the game has exposed structural weaknesses previously unnoticed?

Continue reading "10 things Rudd can do to get his mojo back" »

I’ve just accepted my first ever invitation to be a bridesmaid for some very good friends.

Being a fairly low-key and relaxed kind of couple I’m not concerned about any freak outs or “Bridezilla” moments. Nor, knowing my friend’s simple and elegant tastes do I expect to find myself locked into a series of Saturday morning shopping trips to look at ghastly creations made from taffeta.

But I am wondering - in light of all the things I know my friend doesn’t want at her wedding – what exactly does a bridesmaid to the off-beat bride do? And what types of behaviours should be avoided at all costs?

Continue reading "Punch list: Top things a bridesmaid should never do" »

In Adelaide today Miranda Kerr was asked what three things she would take to a desert island. She said: “My Kora rosehip oil because it is multipurpose, definitely my boyfriend and maybe my little dog.”

Maybe she means “multipurpose” as in it helps you build a shelter and possibly even a boat. I’m not sure what use Orlando Bloom would be but perhaps you could eat the dog.

Tors would take sunblock, waterproof matches and Bear Grylls. I think my list would be a Swiss Army knife, an iPad - and Miranda Kerr. Anyway, it’s obvious what comes next: what would you bring?

I recently let the world know that I am expecting twins.

I had read the chapter on pregnancy and other people in my new bible, ‘What to expect when expecting,’ by Sharon Mazel and Heidi Murkoff so had braced myself for some inappropriate tummy touching and some well-meaning pregnancy advice.

I thought I was prepared. How wrong can you be?

Continue reading "10 things not to say to a pregnant woman" »

We live in a society where almost everything can be purchased single serve, individually wrapped and stuffed with enough preservatives to last a life-time – a very short life-time for most of us if we don’t pick up some slack.

A simple fact of life is that some things just come in packets. Bread, even from a bakery, comes in a plastic bag. We don’t go the butcher to be handed a handful of mince meat, and a carton of milk wouldn’t be much chop without the carton.

Beyond that simple carton of milk, it is easy to cut corners with pre-packaged ingredients: garlic from a jar, powdered stock, instant noodles, canned vegetables and packet mixes. I too am guilty of pre-prepared ingredients in times of need. It seems easy to buy a packet mix, add meat and pre-chopped vegetables and microwave some pre-boiled vacuum packed rice than cook from scratch – but it’s not real food. We are sacrificing our health, and the environment, to eat food that brings instant gratification but no satisfaction - the idea that it takes a long time to make something from scratch is a myth.

Continue reading "The nine biggest sins of packaged food" »

The so-called “festive season” needs a new name. 

Because as it stands right now with it’s smug connotations of happiness, relaxation and general mirth-it’s terrifically misleading.

Take for instance, this incident one night last week.

Continue reading "Five ways to make Aussie Christmas better" »

Today in the US it’s Thanksgiving, where Americans gather around tables groaning under turkeys the size of footstools and serve what appear to be marshmallow-laden deserts as salads.

It is the biggest family holiday in the US and the idea of being thankful for being an American certainly has a great appeal that admittedly might be a little lost on the nation’s original Indians.

Our national day isn’t for a couple of months but I thought it apt to list ten things I am thankful for about being an Australian and living Australia.

Continue reading "Thanksgiving, Australia style: 10 things I’m thankful for" »

Catch the Tiger Woods press conference on Nine and/or Fox Sports today? That, ladies and gentlemen, was the most cringeworthy 30 minutes of television I’ve seen in a long, long time.

I’m heading down to cover the tourney for Alpha magazine on Thursday. Wish I’d been there today, though. There are at least 10 REALLY DUMB QUESTIONS I could’ve asked which would’ve OUT-DUMBED even the DUMBEST questions the DUMB Oz media put forward. So here they are. Add yours in the comments.

1. No, but do you really, really, really, really, really, really, really like being in Australia?

Continue reading "10 dumber questions I could have asked Tiger Woods" »

I grew up in the outer suburbs in a Mcmansion with upwardly mobile Howard-voting parents and garden view to ‘Fountain Lakes’ shopping centre. Boganism is in my gene pool.

A new blog called Things Bogans Like  (inspired by Stuff White People Like) attempts to map out exactly what does and does not constitute Aussie Boganism.

The site is run by a group of young men who live in inner-Melbourne, go to music festivals and art galleries. Certainly, the fact many working-class people now have money and live in big houses has been making the intelligentsia uncomfortable for quite some time.

Continue reading "A bogan’s revenge: 10 signs you’re an inner-city tosser" »

Morning, all. I’ve written a profile piece on Olympic and world Champion pole vaulter Steve Hooker in today’s Weekend Australian Magazine.

As I was writing the piece, I pretty much came to the conclusion that Hooker is Australia’s best current athlete in any sport. If not him, then who?

I’m going to run through a few candidates, then throw it over to you. But my vote goes to the 27 year old Victorian who, apart from being an absolute genius with a five metre pole in his hands, is one of the most natural, chatty, intelligent individuals on the sporting scene.

Continue reading "And Australia’s greatest living athlete is ..." »

This started with Punch music writer Dennis Atkins writing in the Courier Mail that Jimi Hendrix once came up in a conversation with a young Kevin Rudd. The PM-to-be said: “Who’s that?”

Punch readers suggested some songs that would suit the PM. This is the result. The full list is over the jump - add your suggestions in the comments. We might even send him the real tape.

1. Hip to be Square - Huey Lewis and The News

Kevin Rudd’s theme song and a shoo-in for the opening track.

Continue reading "Mix tape for Kevin Rudd" »

Editors’ note: Clint Hillery is an Australian sommelier who has worked in and established some of Sydney’s leading wine bars.

Top 10 wine crimes

1. Regions
People demand wines from the premium regions of the world such as Burgundy, Central Otago & Champagne until they see the price tags. These are the “tyre kickers” of the wine world, the people that test-drive a Porsche but buy a Charade.

Continue reading "The 10 worst things Aussies do when ordering wine" »

SEPTEMBER comes with certain guarantees – birdsong in the early dawn, the smell of jasmine on the warm breeze and the sight of Brendan Fevola wielding a giant dildo.

You’re snapped with one enormous sex toy and suddenly it’s news, eh? Damn vultures. The publican at Naughton’s in Carlton reckons the whole thing was a stitch-up anyway, that the offending phallus belonged to a fan who handed it to Fev just so he could take a photo on his phone and leak it straight to the tabloids.

People can be cruel. And on behalf of tabloids everywhere, I’d like to thank them for their excellent news sense.

Continue reading "The real awards for sporting achievement in 2009" »

A few years ago, I worked in a co-working space called Silicon Beach House - it was our play on Silicon Valley - and everyone there was either a developer, a web designer, or running a web start-up. It was a little harem of geeks. And then there was me.

My original MySpace page (yes!) is evidence that I really had no idea what I was doing back then. I still use it in presentations to show people what NOT to do on the web. I am also yet to live down the day I replaced the batteries on my mouse with rechargeable ones and had everyone in the office spend a good 20 minutes giving me tech support, before I sheepishly made the discovery.

It may have happened two years ago, but when I asked my Twitter followers the other day if they had any idea why my second screen wasn’t working, someone still suggested I check the batteries.

Continue reading "How to get along with geeks: A seven-point guide" »

For the sake of marking a slightly unusual date in the calendar tomorrow, 09/09/09, there’s a campaign underway to rid the internet of cats for 24 hours.

If that doesn’t strike you as a perfectly sensible idea, you’re probably reading this on a dial-up connection. Cats are to the web what tomatoes are to Italian cooking. One online magazine said earlier this year declared the internet was made of kittens.

To a classically Catholic reaction of horror and amusement, I discovered this week there’s even a project underway to rewrite the Bible in kitteh, the imaginary moggie tongue which has some rigid conventions – “can I have” becomes “I can haz” and omnipotence comes in the form of “Ceiling Cat”, a meme stemming from photos of cats looking out of holes in the roof.

Continue reading "List: Things to ban from the web, just for a day" »

Today is the 64th anniversary of the mass publication in America of George Orwell’s Animal Farm, a book considered one of the most influential of all time. 

What a pity I’ve actually never read it. 

And this is despite the fact that I’ve owned a copy since I was 17, when everyone else I knew read it. Or did they?

Continue reading "Five reasons to read the book before watching the movie" »

Yes! Stick this in your eye, over-analytical movie critics: Quentin Tarantino has named his favourite 20 movies of his directing career, and it’s a laundry list of pop shtick including Speed, The Matrix, Fight Club, and Team America - World Police, while the closest it gets to a Semillon Sauvignon Blanc is the palatable Lost in Translation. 

To my fellow trashy-movie-loving Philistines who have been hiding in the closet: it’s time to celebrate. Liking movies with bad guys and guns is OK. Quentin Tarantino, one of the finest directors of his generation, says so.

The list includes some off-the-wall Japanese and Korean martial arts and monster flicks - which I haven’t seen and probably won’t, ever - but the rest help make up one of the most quotable lists you’ll see this year.

Continue reading "At last, a movie buff who says it’s OK to love trash" »

THERE was a time any song list from the ABC’s Triple J would be a talking point for at least a week. This year’s Top 100 songs of all time hardly lasted a day.

The biggest controversy was about the lack of female artists which illustrates Triple J’s appeal and audience.

However, these lists prompt reflection on your own musical choices, as it did with Punch writer Chris Deal who unleased a collection of the crappest songs of all time. That led to some of the best abuse we’ve copped so far, including being called “a bunch of hipster douchebags”, to which most of us plead a fair cop.

Continue reading "The hottest 100, for the slightly elderly" »

One of the least fascinating things to come out of Triple J’s Hottest 100 Of All Time is that Nirvana’s grunge anthem Smells Like Teen Spirit is still considered to be THE cornerstone for Gen X & Ys musical landscape, and that “alternative” music has jumped so far over the shark that it should win an Olympic medal for both high and long jumping.

And while taking pot shots at the uninspired and predictable musical tastes of the new bogan elite who have taken over the Triple J airwaves is just as predictable as the contents of the Hottest 100 in the first place, the more intriguing aspect of this gigantic rock census comes down to a question of chromosomes.

Soon after the list was finalised, the penny dropped over the Twitterverse that apart from a guest female vocal on Massive Attack’s trip-hop ballad Teardrop and Jeff Buckley singing like a whiny bitch, not one artist in the list for the ages was forced to sit down to pee.

Continue reading "No women no cry - hottest misognyist poll of all time?" »

Who can say exactly why we all love music but today’s Punch list of the 100 crappest songs of all time has made me sure of four things:

1. Absolutely everyone has an opinion on this topic
2. Absolutely no one agrees on this topic
3. While musical ability, fame, or output is celebrated, you don’t need it to know what you don’t like
4. People either love or hate Tim Freedman, there’s no grey area on this one.

Continue reading "The worst songs ever written: according to you" »

Near, far, wherever you are, you’re probably aware that this week the national youth broadcaster Triple J has released its rather ambitious Hottest 100 Of All Time music poll. And while staying positive and tallying up a rock-solid list of the songs that have brought so much joy to the world is a noble pursuit, a healthy dose of sticking the boot right in is required to address the balance.

The Punch does not endorse book burning, but there’s an argument for putting really, really bad records in a big pile and setting them on fire. And according to our scientific survey, Celine Dion should be the first to go up in flames:

Now that you’ve got it started, the next songs you should add are, in order, this one:

Continue reading "Crappest 100: the worst songs of all time" »

WHEN mounting an argument sure to rub some people up the wrong way - such as, say, listing reasons to love the English on the first day of The Ashes - it can be useful to start by invoking supporting words of wisdom from a unifying, popular figure.

Step forward, Donald Rumsfeld.

The former US Defence Secretary - not exactly of Ghandi-esque stature in global public opinion - had a favourite phrase: that America would be vindicated in “the great sweep of human history”.

In the great sweep of sporting history, the English have been the objects of increasing ridicule. They deserve much of it, especially with their tragi-comic efforts in soccer and cricket during the 1990s. But with the 2009 Ashes series beginning this evening, Australian time, we’re sure to be in for weeks of tiresome jokes about whingeing Poms, underachievers, chokers, yob fans with beer bellies, along with general mirth at moments of English failure.

When Mitchell Johnson gets the ball in hand and eyes off Andrew Strauss in Cardiff before starting his run-up, it might be worth him - and Australians everywhere - pausing for a moment to reflect on England’s place in the great sweep of human history. For England, possibly more than any other nation, deserves respect.

[More Ashes: Luke Foley on English elitists | Phil Hillyard’s photo secrets]

And as one of the 10 reasons below argues, respecting England just might help Australia win The Ashes.

Continue reading "Ten reasons to love the Poms" »

So we know the GFC is here. Many of us have lost our jobs, we’re all watching our superannuation shrink faster than we can top it up, and all of a sudden bling is out and understated is the new black.

But what does a nearly recession actually look like? The Team at the Punch has come up with our list of the 50 ways the Global Financial Crisis (it’s officially capped, you know), has changed Australia.

Some of them have hard numbers to back them up – others are a sniff of the wind, observations about changes in language and society. We welcome your suggestions.

1. We’re cooking at home. Woolworths has noticed a bump in sales of cooking staples such as eggs and butter, as well as increased demand for value cuts of meat (we’re making casseroles), and for cheaper Home Brand products.

Continue reading "Fifty ways the GFC has changed Australia" »

1. Drug prohibition doesn’t work. During the last half century, almost every country in the world signed three United Nations drug treaties committing these countries to minimise the recreational use of specified drugs. Almost every country expanded their police drug squads, rained gold bars on drug law enforcement and kept on increasing the severity of penalties for drug offences. What was the result? Global heroin, cocaine and cannabis production and consumption continued to soar while world heroin production doubled in the last 10 years.

Continue reading "Ten things you should know about drug prohibition" »

Yeah, I knew that breast feeding might be tough. I read that I might get post-natal depression. I knew not to expect a lot of sleep.

What I DIDN’T know about this whole motherhood thing? The details. There were many, many details everyone neglected to mention.

So after three children and many surprising discoveries here’s some fine print for the parents of the future…

Continue reading "Eleven things no one told me about being a parent" »

If you haven’t seen this before, have a look. It’s a classic Saturday Night Live skit featuring Will Ferrell and Christopher Walken about, well, the need for more cowbell.

Heading in to the weekend I’d like to propose starting a list. What do you think could do with a little more cowbell?

I’ll make a start:

1. The Department of Defence
2. Cricket Australia
3. Question Time

Over to you ...

I can’t remember a time when the decimal point was more popular.  Apart from the usual uses in maths, finance and software, we’ve now got things like Web 2.0, PR 2.0 and even Participation 2.0.

I clearly remember the first time I heard the term Web 2.0. I was shocked and confused. “But I’m just doing Web.  What the hell is Web 2.0 and how did I miss Web 1.0?” I thought.  Likewise when I heard that PR 2.0 was the real deal when I was still fumbling around with plain old PR.

Sometimes I wonder when the 3.0s will arrive and who will decide when they do?  And in 10 years, will I be doing PR 8.0?

Continue reading "Life 2.0: Finding the point in a world full of decimals" »

What is there not to love about Eurovision? This year we had breakdancing Albanian midgets cavorting with a man in a sequinned aquamarine bodysuit and the winner was a fiddle-wielding Norwegian boy-singer. Plus, the Warsaw Pact still seems to be in force but nobody cares.

What is there not to love about it?

Oh yeah, the music.

Continue reading "10 reasons why Australia needs its own Eurovision" »