John Farnham

There are billboards all over Sydney right now claiming that a band by the name of Guns and Roses is playing this weekend. This is a lie. A bandy-legged, lank-haired fellow dressed in spandex dacks and a gay headband is playing. His name is Axl Rose and he has not left the house in 20 years.

There is no Slash, no Izzy Stradlin, no-one to blow the sports whistle which heralds the thumping start of Paradise City, just a few session musos and a chap who spent the past two decades penning the anti-masterwork Chinese Democracy, a concept album so crap in design and execution that it makes Roger Water’s Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking seem intelligent. It is unclear whether the relevant sections of the Trade Practices Act covering false and deceptive conduct can be applied to foreign entites - Punch columnist and competition crusader Professor Frank Zumbo would know - but whatever the case the billboard advertising the Guns and Roses concert should bear a large asterisk reading “Actual band may not match band shown.”

Which brings us to INXS.

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