It was love at first swipe. I still remember the first time I held a gleaming iPhone in my hands. The smooth surface. The shiny cover. The high-resolution display. The awe-inspiring idea that the entire bank of human knowledge - from the bible to Wikipedia - resided in my palm.
Today, I am a woman scorned. A woman betrayed. A woman who has fallen out of love with her iPhone. Why?
Quite simply, Apple is ripping me (and you) off blind. And it’s all completely legal. Aussies regularly pay twice what Americans pay for identical IT products, including devices, downloads, software and games.
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Apple is a religion and the Apple Store is its church. The Sydney Apple store, on George Street, is a particularly large version of this church.
You know how people in cults and Sci Fi movies always wear clean, mono-coloured clothing. Bing, that’s the Apple Store.
You know how churches are always big and bright and filled with sickeningly happy people. Bing, the Apple Store again.
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Terrible news. The word on the e-street is that Apple’s super-secretive tech-heads aren’t just slaving away on a new flat screen iDiotBox. They’re also attempting to kill off a wonderfully slapstick glitch in the company’s existing devices.
‘Autocorrect’ is an iPhone function designed to correct spelling mistakes and complete par-finished words. Often, however, it demonstrates a delightfully human tendency to stuff up.
Over the past year, it has become infamous for transforming innocuous missives about holiday plans and office schedules into surreal ejaculations about Pussy Hats (instead of Pizza Huts), stroking offs (instead of stroganoffs), backyard transsexuals (instead of trampolines) and earthquake titty scales (instead of the usual Richter models).
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In just a few short days, four giant demons astride winged, skeletal steeds are expected to swoop from the sky and hurl every man, woman and child into the dark chasm of the infinite.
“Curse you, Apple!” the terrified masses will scream as CEO Tim Cook desperately points out the improved 8-megapixel camera and upgraded dual-core processor.
But they won’t have it, those Apple customers. They wanted an iPhone 5. Instead, they got an iPhone 4S and now everybody has to watch as palm trees and baby lambs are cast into fiery oblivion.
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Once upon a time when you engaged in sex, whether within a relationship or casually, the most you had to worry about was who had a condom nearby. Or about remembering to take the pill every day. Now we have to worry about being filmed. So other people can watch us.
Having sex with someone involves a certain amount of trust. It can be argued that you can’t expect trust (or fidelity) with a one night stand or casual sex. But you can and should expect respect. Whatever happened to that?
I think it left the building around the same time iPhones turned up and started to run the show.
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That’s it. Pull back, aim, let go. Repeat a billion times.
The game’s objective is to guide a bird with anger management issues, projectile style, into a structure in the aim of killing the pigs within.
It mightn’t be much of a premise, but mobile game developers Rovio thought it sounded like a good idea. Myself and millions of fellow birdflingers around the world have been unproductive ever since it was released on the iPhone. Through careful use of trajectory, timing, and a slingshot, feathered vengeance can be mine.
Every day, a possible 50 million people worldwide spend a collective 200 million minutes trying to rain down avian justice.
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Wardrobe crisis is my term of choice. But I’ve also heard it been appropriately described as “meltdown” “fashion disaster” and “wardrobe malfunction”. But regardless of what you call it, agonising over what to wear is one of life’s inevitably stressful experiences.
So thank god for the brain behind the genius of the Fashion iPhone App- a mobile, go-anywhere personal stylist that can confirm, deny or suggest alternatives to what you’ve chosen to wear that day.
Here’s an explanation care of the Wall Street Journal, or read the whole article online:
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Alongside PowerPoint slide design, I think I have a fetish for iPhone applications. Last week I was doing my usual browse through iTunes looking at some of the latest apps when I excitedly discovered one recently released by Tic Tac. I vaguely recalled reading an article about it and how they were apparently one of the leading brands in the digital space.
So I quickly downloaded it, synced it and opened it. And it was shit. So much so that I actually wanted to punch somebody. For those who haven’t seen it, which apparently isn’t many of you because it was downloaded a whole 3000 times in the first week, it’s perhaps the most useless app of all time.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with a useless iPhone app. Or even a gimmicky one. Perhaps my favourite app of all time falls into both those categories; iPint (see above video). Released by beer brand Carling, the app appears as a glass full of beer that as you tilt slowly it empties, as though you are drinking it. Yes it’s gimmicky and yes it’s useless. But it’s awesome.
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