Horse Racing

Got out of the office twice this week, in the name of something faintly resembling real journalism.

On the first trip, I saw wasted, starving people in strange coloured clothing perform a strange, dangerous dance before an adoring audience. On the second trip, I saw exactly the same thing.

My trips were to Fashion Week and the TAB.

Continue reading "Friday dilemma: Fashion Week vs jumps racing" »

In racing, the term “pie eater” is an old-fashioned, gently derogatory term for hard-bitten punters. Pies are all they can afford after their weekly pay cheque has yet again put Sunday roast on the bookies’ dinner tables.

Well, the pie eaters of Australia have suddenly developed a taste for Black Caviar. That’s Black Caviar, the mighty mare who this week made it 18 wins from 18 starts in her most devastating racetrack outing yet.

Black Caviar attracted 20,000 infatuated racegoers to Caulfield on Saturday, the majority decked out in her salmon-and-black racing colours. Twenty thousand, to a race meeting which would usually attract a quarter that many. With the gates sensibly thrown open for free, they flocked to see the champion, who paraded around as if she knew she was just that.

Continue reading "Pie-eating racegoers develop a taste for Black Caviar" »

Once upon a time, it would have been a huge story for the Melbourne Cup to go to an overseas trainer. Today, after French horse Dunaden nosed out English horse Red Cadeaux in a thrilling finish, exactly the opposite is true.

How ironic - in a week when an Australian icon in Qantas has bulldozed a path towards an ostensibly less Australian future - that another Australia icon, the Melbourne Cup, is now as distant from its origins as Qantas is from a dinky-di outback air service.

Dunaden prevailed in the narrowest of narrow finishes and as ever, provided a great story. The horse’s jockey, Christophe Lemaire, flew out just yesterday after local jock Craig Williams had an appeal against a suspension dismissed. In a further irony, his arrival was delayed by the Qantas shutdown.

Continue reading "Our Cup runneth overseas" »

It’s on again. The Melbourne Cup. The race that stops the nation. Or at least, the race that stops the nation working.

This year’s Cup is like no other. Well might we say “stop the boats” as refugees seek asylum on our shores, but maybe we’d do better to stop the planes. This year, more foreign raiders than ever before are trying to steal our riches and destroy our way of life. It’s just not horse racing.

So who’s going to win? The Punch proudly presents Australia’s most devastatingly honest and accurate form guide to help you decide for yourself.

Continue reading "Australia’s bitchiest Melbourne Cup form guide" »

On the first Tuesday of November, around three-ish, every fair-dinkum Australian gathers round for “The Race That Stops the Nation”. They show it in pubs, clubs, old-folks homes and school class-rooms. TABs fill up with people who couldn’t tell you the difference between a trifecta and a trilby, having their one bet for the year.

Suddenly you find yourself surrounded by racing experts who know all about form, breeding, lead-ups and how the raiders can’t handle the hard Aussie tracks.

In workplaces right around the country, people chuck in for $2 sweeps and agonise about drawing the 200-1 outsider with a name they can’t pronounce. And right around the country, in every state bar Victoria, work shuts down at 12.

Continue reading "Make Melbourne Cup Day a national public holiday" »

In a post-race horseback interview on Derby Day, a leading jockey spoke about the National Jockeys Trust quest to secure funds for injured jockeys and their families. The Punch asked top rider Stephen Baster to tell us more.

Every jockey wants to win a Melbourne Cup. But the thrill of making it across that line first is something only a select few will ever experience. I’ve been lucky enough to start in six Melbourne Cups with my best finish being third on Mahler for Irish trainer Aidan O’Brien in 2007. Unfortunately I don’t have a ride this year. For the majority of Australia’s 840 professional jockeys, the Melbourne Cup – and the kind of prize money that comes with it – is the exception, not the rule.

We don’t do this job just for the money. If we did, the thousands of other races that take place each year wouldn’t attract much of a field. And we certainly don’t do this job for the security or the health benefits. It’s a tough industry and full of dangers.

Continue reading "Every single day, we jockeys take the punt of a lifetime" »

There are countless stories about millionaires and their pampered thoroughbreds at this time of year. This is not one of them.

This is a story about a 74 year old bush harness racing trainer, an 84 year old owner and the slow, hopeless horse they wouldn’t send to the knackery, despite the fact it had raced 85 times without winning.

Continue reading "The slow hopeless horse who took 86 starts to bloom" »

Something’s in the air and it’s not just a truckload of pollen. National stockpiles of Zyrtec, Tuscan Tan and ostrich feathers are all being hammered relentlessly.

The Spring Racing Carnival is upon us. Originally a celebration of the finest in equine flesh, the event has diversified into an exposition of both equine and female flesh.

Like musk sticks or anchovies, etymology either does it for you or it doesn’t. I would be happy to see the recipe for musk sticks go up in flames, but I do dig a bit of etymology.

Continue reading "Best of the breast as the Spring Carnal kicks off" »

Having a punt on the gallopers is a great Australian pastime. But even on a losing streak, all most of us have at stake is money.

The men, and increasingly women, who keep the industry going by saddling up at racetracks across the country day-in and day-out are gambling with much more.

Today is National Jockeys Celebration Day, the one day on the national racing calendar that is all about those people who risk their lives on the track.

Continue reading "You punt with a fiver, jockeys gamble with their lives" »

We’re told that there are few things more enjoyable than a day at the races. Associated with the kind of devil-may-care japery that allows one to don a fine hat and drink bubbly before midday, racedays support that fine Australian tradition of shirking work in order to yell loudly at something somewhat sporty.

We frock up, we have a tipple and we take a punt. No one wears thongs.

On the surface, it all appears quite lovely and so terribly, terribly civilised.

Continue reading "Frock up and have a tipple at our very own killing fields" »

Righto, so when you sift the weekend’s sport through the fine strainer, there were pretty much only two big stories.

In the AFL, the Cats beat the Pies in a see-sawing battle played in teeth-chattering, Antarctic conditions on Friday night at the MCG. Teeth-chattering for the Geelong fans anyway. More like gum-chattering for the Collingwood fans.

In the NRL, there were upsets galore. The bottom team beat the second top team, while the second bottom team beat the third team. Why does this never happen in the AFL? Why is league more unpredictable? And will anyone ever beat superhorse Black Caviar? Ah, conundrums, conundrums…

Continue reading "Stuff all this other crap, let’s talk about the footy" »

“Barbaric”, “cruel” and “blood sport”. Three of the typically sensationalist slogans that anti-jumps racing protest groups are likely to bandy about over the next few days of Warrnambool’s May Racing Carnival.

Why? Because Warrnambool’s famous annual event features jumps racing.

Jumps racing’s reputation has taken a pounding in recent years. Every incident represents an easy target for protest groups and a similarly easy headline for the mainstream media.

Continue reading "Punch: Jumps racing knockers are misinformed" »

Yesterday, I woke up, dynamited a few fish down the river and shone my magnifying glass on some ants. But the critter toll wasn’t high enough for my sadistic needs, so I tuned into Sky Racing and watched the jumps racing at Warrnambool.

And wouldn’t you know it, a horse was killed in the very first race. Its name was Shine the Armour. It should have been called Polish the Turd, because that’s what racing authorities have done with this sick, brutal so-called sport.

In 2009, after a comprehensive review, it was announced that jumps racing was to be banned in Victoria from 2010 onwards. What happened next quite simply defies all of the logic which normally prevails in public debate in Australia.

Continue reading "Counterpunch: It’s an abattoir with a winning post" »

Ray Silburn’s fall didn’t look good, and it wasn’t. Dislodged from his mount at a small-time meeting at Canberra’s unimaginatively named “Thoroughbred Park” racecourse in February, 2005, the champion local jockey was left a quadriplegic after being crushed by the weight of his 500 kilo quadruped.

“One minute I was in a race, the next I was looking up at a ceiling,” the jockey said at the annual National Jockeys Trust Lunch on Thursday, which The Punch attended. “I just wanted to move my arms so I could hug my two kids.”

Silburn’s wife left him shortly after the fall. “I experienced deep loneliness. It was very hard. I put on a brave face but deep down I was in a lot of pain and hurt. There are things you just don’t understand with the way your life has turned out and how some people treat you.”

Continue reading "Greedy governments should pitch in for the little guys" »

The biggest donkey-licking of the weekend wasn’t in New South Wales politics. It was at Melbourne’s Moonee Valley racecourse, where unbeaten mare Black Caviar went so fast it would have outpaced Mark Webber’s Red Bull. Actually, Melbourne trams go faster than Webber’s Red Bull. Anyway, you get the point.

Horse racing doesn’t get much of a run in the sports pages outside of Melbourne’s spring carnival, but with 11 wins from 11 starts, Black Caviar is already fit to graze in Phar Lap and Makybe Diva’s paddock, and has probably even earned the right to eat the nice green grass in the shady corner. Check her performance a few weeks back in the time-honoured Newmarket Handicap. Wow. She never got out of second gear.

Ratings experts, who produce a formula which no one seriously pretends to understand, upgraded Black Caviar to 135 after that win, which is a statistical way of saying she deserves a speeding ticket. Rival trainers know this, and are now avoiding her. That’s why racing authorities offered prize money of $10,000 down to eighth place on Friday night, in a desperate attempt to attract a decent-sized field.

Continue reading "Sports wrap: The fast black horse, the great white hopes" »

A great editor once told me to “back the story” when punting on the Melbourne Cup. Wishful thinking, no doubt, but he honestly believed that the horse with the best story often won.

Of course, like all punting theories, this one is complete rubbish. If my mate the editor was right, topical tip Alcopop would have won in a canter last year, what with Kevin Rudd’s obsession with taxing said bevvies.

Thong Classic (13th in 2002) and Maythehorsebewithu (5th in 2001) would also both have won, creating heaven for headline-writers.

Continue reading "Cup form guide: our summer of English pain begins" »

The Spring Racing Carnival is well under way and the racing industry is doing its best to put on a brave face and pretend all is chipper.

But deep down in the racing industry, hidden behind the glamorous façade filled with celebrities, celebrations, fashion and booze, there looms a very dark secret that the industry is working hard to quell.

Racing lost its first line of defence when it negligently allowed jumps racing to continue in 2008 despite opposition dating back more than twenty years.

Continue reading "The brutal truth about the horse racing industry" »

The Ruddster had a win - and he’s going off. Watch it here.

1. VIEWED
Barrier: 9. Jockey: Brad Rawiller. Trainer: Bart Cummings. Odds: $5
Last year, he was an anonymous 40-1 shot. This year, the ’08 winner is a raging hot favourite who’s added the ’09 Caulfield Cup to his rapidly bulging CV. If he wins, Bart Cummings will be made president of the new Australian republic, alive or dead.

2. C’EST LA GUERRE
Barrier: 7. Jockey: Nicholas Hall. Trainer: John Sadler. Odds: $25
His name means “it’s war”, but last year’s third placegetter won’t fire a shot this year. The jockey’s Dad, Greg Hall, famously waved his whip in triumph in ’97, only to lose in a photo. Young Nick won’t get the chance to make the same mistake this year.

Continue reading "The almost official Punch Melbourne Cup form guide" »

So - members of the sporting community think its sacrilege for women to swan about in fashionable attire as horses race in the background (for in the background they most definitely are), do they? Well, I for one, think it’s cool.

Australia is a sporting nation but with almost every other sport, women get cast aside -  shunted to a cheerleader’s outfit or a cold seat on the sidelines. But with the races, we practically have complete run of the place.

Spring Carnival! Fashions on the Field!  Lawn parties! Make-up tents! Champagne! Vegetarian pies! Could it be any more female oriented?

Continue reading "Racing’s unrivalled appeal to both men and women" »

The spring racing carnival has been hijacked by fashonistas. And a motley assortment of B-listers, C-listers, gibberers, attention-seekers, hangers-on, creeps, drunks, wankers and wannabes.

I’ve never seen the fawning fashion media interrupt a Collete Dinnigan catwalk show to report the result of the fifth from Flemington. Why, then, should a racing carnival as short as an English summer share airtime with the frou-frou set?

When Jean Shrimpton shocked conservative Melbourne with her mini skirt in 1965 (the year Bart Cummings won his first Cup), fair enough. That, at least, was something approaching a real story.

Continue reading "It’s about racing, not fashion" »

Tomorrow, on the first Tuesday in November, millions of Australians will stop whatever they are doing for a few minutes to listen to or watch the Melbourne Cup. All over the country, people will tune into their radio or television for the race which stops a nation.

Much of the excitement of the event will be brought to them by a few race-callers, whose accuracy and colour will live on in their memories of the 2009 cup.

Racing without the callers would be dull. Yet for the first 64 years, there was no radio commentary of the race.

Continue reading "And they’re racing! How I learned to call a horse race" »

The arrogance, the sheer bloody arrogance and pig-headedness of Australian Racing Board chief Andrew Harding and his cronies.

Harding turfed the concerns of jockeys out the window yesterday after they formally approached the board seeking minor amendments to new whipping rules.
Under the new laws which were brought in on August 1, jockeys have numerous restrictions on the number of times they can “whip” their mounts with the soft, padded whips in mandatory use nowadays.

Continue reading "If anyone needs a whipping it’s racing administrators" »