Holidays

holiday noun 1. (often plural)  a period in which a break is taken from work or studies for rest, travel or recreation.

“See,” I said to my daughter, stabbing a finger at the dictionary, as we sat in our rented beach house after she’d woken me at 5.47am with “an itchy bite”. (Thanks, whoever left the yellowing Pocket Oxford next to the Scrabble.) “Darling, a holiday is a rest and that means not waking so early.”

Ten years I’ve been doing this ‘holiday with kids’ schtick, which isn’t actually a holiday but simply a relocation of our domestic chaos. Minus entertainment (Wii, Foxtel, Textas) and essentials (highchair, the forgotten teddy).

Continue reading "When the kids take charge, Mummy gets to complain" »

In a previous life, I was a chef. Not a great one, but I do have the little certificate and scars to prove it.

The hours were long. I am sure we have all heard the horror stories of 16 hour days and 80 hour weeks so there is no need to discuss that at length. Anyhow, I decided that my future wasn’t in the kitchen, so university beckoned.

Fast forward a couple of years and university holidays have come around again. On the 11th of November last year, I went on university holidays. I will not go back until the end of February. That’s around 110 days. It is a long time. Even so, it’s apparently not quite long enough.

Continue reading "We’re all going on an endless uni holiday" »

Every January, my sisters and I would be forced into a stinking hot car that, according to Mum, Dad had forgotten to service, and we’d argue our way to a camping ground. There we would argue some more and shower in a communal block where everyone wore thongs, so as to avoid that classic ‘70s foot disease, tinea.

As Dad’s “short cuts” meant that the trip had taken us around the same amount of time as flying to Russia, we would have had precisely one day to “relax”. Or as an adult might put it: “Shut up, you’re on holidays and you’ll bloody well enjoy yourself.”

On the way home we’d be treated to a night at a motel called something enticingly foreign like La Stupenda. If the health inspectors hadn’t been tipped off, we would race each other to dive into the filthy swimming pool which bore no resemblance to the aquatic wonderland featured on La Stupenda’s brochure (“Come and enjoy our range of superior European-style facilities with a Hawaiian feel.”)

Continue reading "Bad family summer holidays prep you for the real world" »

Just an hour away from Sydney by train, 45 minutes by car and a constant 18,000 kilometres from fashion is the seaside sprawl of Ettalong Beach.

If you alight from nearby Woy Woy station, on a lucky day you can be welcomed upon arrival by the traditional overheard greeting phrase “give us back me smokes, ya sl_t”. 

Then just pop yourself onto Blackwall Road, trot past the drive-through KFC, continue past the picturesque smash repair and bait shops, and you’re just about there.

Continue reading "Coastal holidays of your dreams: Ettalong Beach" »

When you think of the perfect place to take a relaxing sea-side holiday, I think it would be fair to say that the first place that comes to mind is rarely Blairgowrie, Victoria.

With its scenic Post Office (opened in 1947), wheelchair accessible public toilet (open 24 hours) and its exceptionally high blowfly-to-person ratio (no stats available), Blairgowrie is not far from Rosebud. Known for being the death-place of Nobel Prize winner Rhys Isaac, Blairgowrie is also close to Sorrento.

In the heart of Victoria’s “Budget Coast” section of the Mornington Peninsula, Blairgowrie is just 87 km from cosmopolitan Melbourne on what may be the longest stretch of foreshore caravan parks in the world (no stats available). There are more caravans camped on the not-really-very-scenic foreshore here than there are caravans in the rest of the world (maybe).

Continue reading "Coastal holidays of your dreams: Blairgowrie" »

Over the next few months, countless Australians will be forced to listen to their friends and co-workers ponder holiday destinations.

Many factors will be considered during this process - from the number of recognisable landmarks that can be used to create obnoxious Facebook profile pictures, to whether the guy will believe them when they say the scooter was already dented when they got it.

Chief among these considerations, however, will be whether or not their chosen destination will be overrun with other human beings, who intend to use the same chunk of land for similar recreational purposes. It is this exact concern that drives so many over-confident Australians, particularly Queenslanders, to embark on ill-fated outback adventures every holiday season.

Continue reading "Go on a holiday to the middle of nowhere and you’ll DIE" »

The principal of a school in Sydney’s west is the Grinch who stole Christmas. Imagine the confusion on the faces of the three-year-olds at their End of Year Singalong for parents at the Inner Sydney Montessori School.

God forbid that they could be called Christmas carols! Instead of being allowed to sing, “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” their rosebud lips were twisted into wishing everyone a “Happy Holidays”.

They became confused. Eyes welled up. Parents were furious. The song sheet had been expunged of all reference to the birth of Christ.

Continue reading "What’s wrong with a little Christmas spirit?" »

Well, I suppose you all want to hear about my week off.

While that enormous pile of paperwork and the steady stream of emails filling your inbox tell me you don’t have time for that, your eyes - which are slowly glazing over - tell me otherwise.

So, random colleague I smiled at last Tuesday, allow me to brighten your day with my mediocre tales of special fishing spots, scorching heat, scooter-related near-death experiences and bronzed backpackers.

Continue reading "I know you didn’t ask, but my holiday was SUPER GREAT!" »

In this great age of cheap flights and package holidays, we’re all travellers. We’re on life’s journey, seeking our destinations and finding ourselves along the way.

The mere mention of travel should conjure images of the well-to-do, flitting off around the globe, sipping cocktails in first class, and then floating through immigration to a waiting limousine, all the while looking as if they’ve just stepped out of a salon. Or at least that’s what travel companies want us to believe.

All too often, reality falls short. There are delays, screaming babies, long queues, security checks (my belt doesn’t usually “go off”), cancellations and airplane food. And that’s before you arrive. You deplane to find the air conditioning in the arrival hall is dead, only two of the fifteen customs booths are staffed and you smell like a nightclub in the daylight.

Continue reading "Cheap travel is only as painful as you make it" »

Yesterday, we had a lively discussion in The Punch office. The following is what the fly on the wall heard…

Ant: What’s this story you’re thinking about re babies on planes, T?

Tory: Malaysia Airlines are banning kids in first class and I reckon it’s a brilliant idea. I wish I had the money to fly first class, and now there’s one more reason. I’m always the passenger who ends up next to the screaming baby which means I arrive somewhere tired and pissed off when I’m meant to be enjoying my holiday

Ant: You’re aware that babies are human beings with every right to be on a plane, right?

Continue reading "I’ve had it with these #!* babies on this #!* plane" »

I am about to go on holiday… scrub that. Start again. Myself and a group of my well-remunerated stockbroker buddies are about to undertake a gruelling 800km ride from Adelaide to Melbourne.

20 years ago we would have gone on a golf trip, sucked piss for five days and told off-colour jokes. The times they are a-changing hey?

What’s also new… well not so new now, is that my holiday is now an opportunity for you to lighten your wallet.

Continue reading "Cough up, ‘cos we’re all going on a fundraising holiday" »

This massive billboard for McDonald’s Yass is the funniest sign on the Australian highway network. Imagine the word “kiss” in front of it and you’ll soon see what I mean.

But there’s nothing funny about the roadside dining options on Australia’s highways, which generally range from gross to inedible to botulism-inducing.

I did plenty of driving over Christmas, in a loop of SE NSW that included a south coast beach holiday and three days camping in the Snowy Mountains. Kilometres covered: about 1,200. Memorable road meals: zero.

Continue reading "Desperate for a decent feed on a hungry highway to hell" »

Are you on annual leave right now? If so, you’re already doing better than one third of Australians who toil on through the entire year without taking a breath.

And there’s a very good chance you’re ruining your break entirely.  Be honest – have you checked your Blackberry or your iPhone or your remote email account?

Did you take a call that related to work? Did you get online to check something work-related? Then you’re not really on leave.

Continue reading "If you’re reading this you’re not on holiday" »

It’s New Year’s Eve and I have no plans. Like… none.

The prospect of ringing in the ‘biggest night of the year’ with nothing but Channel Nine’s fireworks telecast would once have caused me to sweat in fear. This year, it’s quite liberating. Because, let’s face it, everyone knows (and often says) that NYE is the most overrated night of the year after the Oscars.

Inflated prices, awkward chanting, hammered crowds. What’s not to hate?

Continue reading "NYE: The good, the bad, and the completely overrated" »

Few people escape the house guest experience at this time of year.

So thank god for Martha Stewart who reckons the only real difference between a swanky three room suite at the Hilton and a couple of nights on the lumpy mattress in your spare room is a stack of fresh towels wrapped in white ribbon.

Oh, and a vase of flowers. Preferably some that weren’t wilted by the heat of Christmas Eve or the torrential rain of Christmas night; access to a full length mirror, a stack of spare coat hangers, hanging space and an empty drawer or two.

Continue reading "How to have really good house guests" »

It’s been a long and exciting year here at The Punch and we wanted to say thank you for coming along for the ride. Some of you have given us a lot to think about during 12 months full of political intrigue and entertainment.

We also wanted to let you know we will be on deck over the summer holidays for when you can peel yourself away from the Ashes, or the beach, or what ever else you’re doing if you’re lucky enough to get a break. So keep visiting.

For those who like movies we thought The King’s Speech, which opens nationally in cinemas on Boxing Day, looked like something a Punch reader would be keen to see. So the first ten readers who email me (tors@thepunch.com.au) after 11am AEDT today will get a double pass. (Update 11.15am AEDT - you lot are quick off the mark. All double passes are allocated, thanks for all the lovely emails).

Continue reading "A little Christmas present from The Punch" »

Ho! Ho! Ho! Yes, it’s that time of year again, when political correctness rears its ugly head and the majority of us are gifted the opportunity for a little righteous indignation with our eggnog.

Except nobody told new Victorian Premier Ted Baillieu.  In a bold and somewhat surprising display of common sense for a politician, he has made an effort to bring the spirit of the season back into Australian schools, insisting children “have the opportunity to enjoy the simple pleasures of Christmas”.

Praise the Lord indeed.

Continue reading "It’s called Christmas folks, with a capital C" »

Very few people will admit to having a crap time on holidays.

Maybe it’s all the time and effort that goes into making one happen or the excruciating holiday countdowns you have with friends and colleagues before you leave or perhaps it’s the soul-destroying realisation that if “getting away from it all” doesn’t make you happy than nothing will.

Whatever the reason, no matter what happens on holidays, we’ll always say what a great time we had. And usually this is just a big fat lie.

Continue reading "The five worst things about going on holidays" »

Wondering how to take great holiday snaps? Ben Groundwater has tips from Richard I’Anson, professional photographer and author of Lonely Planet’s Guide to Travel Photography, on how to take the perfect pic.

Except he’s forgotten the best tip on taking travel photos. Don’t. Put the camera down and go do something.

As Ben says, many travellers fancy themselves as photographers and “like to take the odd snap to show off to their friends back home”.

Continue reading "Those who can, do. Those who can’t, take photos" »

In Rhodes it was one power plug between 30 tourists vying for a place to charge their phone and camera batteries. The stench of toilets made me dry retch, as did the bird poo splattered windows that flung open, letting cold air into my room every night.

Cold showers, no elevator and the useless guy at reception reckoned he’s done his back, so no help there.

For 10 Euros a night, what do I expect?

Continue reading "Enough with dodgy hostels, we need a system people" »