End Of The World
‘Tis the season for many predictions. Here’s mine: The world will not end. Earth will not be ripped apart by titanic tectonic shifts, swallowed by a black hole, or smashed to blithereens by another planet.
Doomsday prophet Harold Camping had to crawl back into his shell after two failed predictions of the world’s end last year – this year there’s a broader belief that the end is nigh. This too will prove false.
The ‘2012 phenomenon’ is a meme, an idea that has spread across the world, gathering layers of bullshit as it goes. It was born from a murky misunderstanding of an ancient Mayan calendar.
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In a few months’ time, you will be confronted by a bunch of people will beg you to let a pair of cows onto a ship. But do not allow those wild-eyed bovine to set even one hoof on deck, lest they rend the supple flesh from your throat. That sounds crazy, but give me a moment to explain.
If ancient civilisations, reclusive internet jabberers and random online sex offenders are to be believed, 2012 marks the end of the world.
Some say an asteroid with a crudely-drawn smiley face will plunge into the Earth during the final chorus of Auld Lang Syne, while others believe apes will suddenly spear everyone to death on December 31. It doesn’t matter - it’s curtains either way.
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So the world’s going to end again today. Panic! Or maybe wait a day. It’s never clear how the International Date Line comes into play with these things.
According to fruity American doomsday prophet Harold Camping, God forgot to carry the two, or screwed the equation some other which way, and the apocalypse predicted for May 21 is in fact now due today.
While it’s tempting to bang on in gloriously pisstaking tones about Camping and other prophets of doom – and don’t worry, I will – the serious side to all this is the gross distortion of the message of Jesus Christ, a man who had plenty of sensible advice for the world.
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The world as we know it will end on July 1, this year. That is the day the Greens take power in the Senate. James Arvanitakis explains.
Not that long ago, I toyed with the idea of setting up my own doomsday cult. The problem is that I failed to find any of the basic ingredients that attract followers: charismatic leadership, the ability to ask for money from complete strangers, a doomsday message and a specific date to rally support. I have always been fascinated by doomsday cults. Every time I hear that a charismatic leader has picked a specific date for the end of the world – be it the arrival of extra terrestrials or the predicted Rapture – I get out my diary, mark the date and begin to make plans around it.
As readers of The Punch would know, the most recent episode was the claim by the Harold Camping and the crew over at Family Radio predicted the world would end on 21 May 2011. Using the date to rally friends and family, a group of buddies went out for a farewell bonding session a few days beforehand. I also organised a weekend to enjoy time with loved ones just in case. To tie things up I also left a farewell message on my Facebook page and completed all my marking.
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As an avid consumer of news, I’m considering adopting a few new hobbies over the next few months.
They include: Developing a crystal meth addiction, having 12 sugars in my morning coffee, throwing cinder blocks through shopfronts, having unprotected sex with at least four people a day, permanently wearing one of those beer helmets and making a giant inflatable ark-type thing out of all those condoms I won’t be using.
In case you’ve been living under a rock in a Cold War-style nuclear bunker, the end of the world has been slated for 2012… or 2036… or something.
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