Dating

Something’s in the air and it’s not just a truckload of pollen. National stockpiles of Zyrtec, Tuscan Tan and ostrich feathers are all being hammered relentlessly.

The Spring Racing Carnival is upon us. Originally a celebration of the finest in equine flesh, the event has diversified into an exposition of both equine and female flesh.

Like musk sticks or anchovies, etymology either does it for you or it doesn’t. I would be happy to see the recipe for musk sticks go up in flames, but I do dig a bit of etymology.

Continue reading "Best of the breast as the Spring Carnal kicks off" »

They call it Heartbreak Hill. The City to Surf’s telling point. A 1.4km stretch of sheer running pain with spectacular views over Sydney harbour which you’re far too buggered to appreciate.

Yet on race day, you could be forgiven for thinking it was named “RSVP Hill” with the amount of advertising material for said dating website. The site, owned by Fairfax Media, assaulted the masses who tackled the hill with cheesy running puns like “hot” and “heartbroken” stapled to telegraph poles.

Indeed, it seems that among the empty plastic cups, the whole race was littered with some message or another.

Continue reading "My date with 80 thousand sweaty, love-starved joggers" »

There’s a man drought in the city. Single girls outnumber single guys two to one, maybe even three to one. This is true because I’ve read the proclamations in countless articles, seen the stories on A Current Affair and watched in horror as hapless farmers take their pick of a hundred potential wives.

The odds are probably closer to five to one. 

Being newly single and on the fast-track to 30 I know things are stacked in my favour. I can get dressed on my own, cook a balanced meal and my addiction to video games is mild… I can stop playing whenever I want. Really.

Continue reading "A single bloke’s guide to surviving the man drought" »

Pity me, your average single Aussie male geek.

We live in a world where oil prices are increasing, while oil reserves are falling; where the population is getting older, and criminals are getting younger, where sea levels are rising and fresh water supplies are falling, and where Dr Phil is still allowed on day time television.

And what have we got to help combat this phantasmagoria of horrors? Well, internet dating of course!

Continue reading "Single, male, geek seeks companionship" »

Valentine’s Day is upon us again, which means it’s time for Cupid to whip off his romper suit and start flapping about, making life for the cynical a living hell.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that a flying baby can stir up such a mighty butterfly effect, but every time Feb 14 rolls around, I find I’m once again shocked to be enveloped by this pink and red parallel universe.

As the ‘magical’ day approaches you can feel a change in the air.  Subtle but rampant. There’s an undercurrent of urgency, of desperation. A culture begins to develop where the normally self-possessed among us, lose their collective minds.

Continue reading "This Valentine’s Day spare a thought for the cynical" »

Ever hooked up at the supermarket?

Not me. I did see Poh Ling Yeow there once - but as I live in Adelaide I see each of our four celebrities at least on a weekly basis.

And beyond ``I like your paintings’’ (this was pre-Masterchef) there was nothing I could think of to blurt out in a supermarket aisle which wouldn’t have come across as lame (note to self, buy a copy of The Game:  Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists).

Continue reading "A feast of options in online dating" »

As the whiskers of tens of thousands of Aussie blokes wash down the drains of homes today, thousands of nubile young women are rejoicing.

It is the end of “Movember”, the month formerly known as November which raises money for prostate cancer research and initiatives to combat male depression.

While the charity is one of the most brilliant health campaigns ever enacted, women around Australia are ecstatic we no longer have to give Aussie men some lip about their top lip.

Continue reading "Thank God there’s no such thing as “Mocember”" »

My Facebook profile has been a source of confusion and anxiety for several of my loved ones over the years. To be precise, it’s where ‘single’ has been listed next to ‘relationship status’ for longer than I care to confirm.

Yup, I’m 22-years-old and single. Very, very single. Apparently the spinsterhood clock is ticking for me, and it’s ticking pretty loudly.

The reaction I receive to my single status has been a source of amusement to me in recent times. The head-tilt and lip pout, followed by the ‘oh really?’ comment has become incredibly predictable. The ‘all in good time’ speech that follows has also quickly become an expectation.

Continue reading "Thanks, but I’m not dying - I’m just single" »

For those of you – ok, us – who aren’t likely to be asked to pose for the cover of Sports Illustrated or GQ any time soon, here’s a piece of news that might be of interest.

A dating agency for unattractive people has been established in Britain which claims to be a website for the “aesthetically challenged”, has already had some success at matching those who have been hit one too many times with the ugly stick.

Tom Clifford, who says he has a face “that makes children cry” has found true love with a 31 year old shop assistant who still lives with her parents and they’re planning a wedding in the near future.

Continue reading "The perils of modern dating: #1 ugly people" »

As someone who has never been proposed to, but been married twice, I have never received or been given a St Valentine’s Day gift.

Clearly blokes have found other ways of communicating with me. Does it bother me? No. I dispensed with the pretence of caring a long time ago.

Valentine’s Day is for women who like pink, have a teddy collection on their bed, fluffy slippers, and speak, [read ‘whine’] with little girl voices well past puberty.

Continue reading "How many root points will you score on Valentines Day?" »

Last week at a lunch to console a newly-divorced friend, I decided to lighten her terror at being “the only single woman left on the planet” and relate an interesting new statistic.

“A recent study in the UK found that in 20 years, one in five women currently in their twenties will never have married and will live alone. See, there’ll be millions like us!” I said cheerily.

Looking at my girlfriend’s face, it became apparent she was not quite as enthralled by this statistical tidbit as me. In fact, judging by her open-mouth stare, anyone would think I had just disembowelled a baby panda and was about to start on a litter of puppies.

Continue reading "Millions of happy single people can’t be wrong" »

I finally got around to watching Twilight recently and, as a result, fear for a generation of impressionable, young and deluded women.

Wherever Robert Pattinson, who plays the enigmatic teen vampire Edward in the blockbuster book and movie franchise, goes these days he is swamped by hysterical young girls who appear headed down a rough old romantic road. And now I know why.

You see, Edward is the template of everything I, and so many women like me, tend to go for in a man which, despite the wisdom of age, several broken relationships and all good intentions, remains best described in one word: unattainable.

Continue reading "Us girls are always sucked in by a blood-sucking bastard" »

The other day I couldn’t help but over hear a spirited conversation by a group of girls at an Italian restaurant. 

Their discussion focused on the lack of nice blokes in night clubs and drinking spots. Not to be a grinch, I suppress the urge to inform them that nice guys will soon join the Dodo in extinction.

They will be the latest addition to the graveyard of male archetypes – such as chocks, snags and metrosexuals – that men unsuccessfully adopted when wooing the other sex.

Continue reading "Death of the nice guy may lead to end of the species" »