Back in my day, when pizza and hot dogs were separate things, we didn’t even have smartphones. This is what I imagine I will be telling my teenage daughter in about 15 years from now.
Also “go to bed, it’s after 4pm” and “no, you can’t borrow my hoverboard, it’s way too powerful”.
My daughter is only 14 months old and is already fascinated with my iPhone. I honestly believe there is something about the Apple logo that subliminally attracts children from a very young age. Think about it: Why is the logo placed so conveniently at the back of the phone?
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The world can only exist with a properly working internet service.
The World of Warcraft that is; and Facebook and Twitter and all the other cyber realities that require an efficient communications network.
So obviously most online gamers and Facebook fiends were salivating at the speeds promised by the Federal Government’s National Broadband Network. It was heralded as bringing Australia into the “modern age” of telecommunications with internet speeds faster than Usain Bolt driving a Ferrari.
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Microsoft needs to man up and get off the fence and either embrace a touch interface, or stick to their longheld tradition of desktop publishing.
Unwilling to part with its past and too timid to commit to a touchscreen experience, the new operating system is a massive compromise.
Microsoft argues that Windows 8 gives users choice, but maybe too much choice can be a bad thing.
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Blame the FBI or a global hacking operation, but it seems I was an early victim – maybe Australia’s first - of a malware epidemic which reportedly hit hundreds of thousands of computers world-wide this week.
Well it’s all very complicated and not really the FBI’s fault despite what Clive Palmer might say about world domination plots by the Bureau (or was it the CIA?) in league with the Greens.
Clive admitted he was just kidding after he made the outlandish claim a couple of months ago, but I’m not, and the threat to our computers is deadly serious. Just ask my Mac. I lost all internet connectivity on Sunday afternoon, 24 hours earlier than the time the Malware called DNS Changer was predicted to strike and before I had heard any warnings.
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It is one of the great dangers of this new technological age that we are all potential victims of “computer hacking”.
Computer hacking is an insidious and underhanded practice that infliltrates “computers”, which are like typewriters that you can play solitaire on.
The risks of hacking were brutally demonstrated in the 2007 documentary Die Hard 4.0, in which Bruce Willis spends two hours and eight minutes trying to send an email, only to give up and get someone from Generation Y to do it.
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For a smart guy, Steve Wozniak — the man who, with Steve Jobs, co-founded Apple — has some pretty dumb ideas. Speaking at a business meeting on the Gold Coast recently, Wozniak claimed that machines are becoming more intelligent than humans.
Wozniak was reported to have said ‘We’re already creating the superior beings, I think we lost the battle to the machines long ago. We’re going to become the pets, the dogs of the house.”
In Wozniak’s eyes, humans are going to become mere spectators to the doings of machines. ‘Every time we create new technology we’re creating stuff to do the work we used to do and we’re making ourselves less meaningful, less relevant’, he said.
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Most of the time I use the internet to research stories, look up movies or stalk… errm, I mean keep in contact with friends using social media. If I’m feeling particularly exciting I might check out a YouTube video of a cat playing the piano or a panda sneezing.
My computer, on the other hand, is busy running around extorting people as part of an organised crime gang or working as a double agent for foreign governments. And in its down time it hires itself out as a mercenary.
And there is a good chance yours is doing this too.
Welcome to what we’ve just realised is Wednesday at The Punch, not Monday. Hope you all had a great Easter and Anzac Day break. Lest we forget.
The first computer mouse was introduced 30 years ago today. Now analysts say they could be phased out within a few years. Do you still use a mouse? Could you do your personal computing without it? What else is on your mind? You know the drill. Share it here.
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I’m writing this with voice recognition software. If that sounds scintillating and newfangled, you’ve obviously never used what should more accurately be described as voice mutilating software.
I’ll go into more detail in a minute, but, in the meantime, here are just three of the versions of the first sentence of this column offered by my voice murdering software:
1. To running splits recognition software.
2. But wearing this voice which uses raft snares.
3. List softly, Felicity, poignantly stealthily and a half.
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At some point in the past decade, geeks became cool.
Like the products they created, geeks began to be marketed as friendly and helpful types that everyday people could turn to to solve problems or get more out of life.
Sometimes they even seemed to be attractive to women. The Social Network should go some way to ending all of this.
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It’s a very first-world picture of human misery: a packed airport terminal filled with thousands of delayed travellers.
There are frazzled parents at the limits of their patience, looking after bored kids giddy at being on their school holidays but frustrated at having nothing to do. Passengers milling around, trying to nap on a hard floor, anxious that the next announcement on the public address system will be the one that cancels their flight.
And all because of a computer problem.
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I always thought that one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is the love of reading.
It leads to a lifetime of learning and broadens the mind, as it opens up a new world of discovery and fantasy.
I longed to sit down with my son, Harrison, enjoy a book and special time together. But it rarely happened.
A friend remarked this morning that being told you can’t use Internet Explorer, as governments around the world are advising, is like being ordered to get to work without using roads.
This would be inconvenient but sufferable as we could all probably do with a good walk. But tortuously, in this situation even starting such a walk involves making a phone call to your IT helpdesk.
With respect to my IT administrator friends I’ll bet many people would rather take their chances with the criminals.
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