Christmas

Bing Crosby – or maybe it was Bob Hope, or perhaps even Jimmy Stewart – on New York’s Fifth Avenue, stumbling in falling snow outside a department store, weighed down by big boxes of bow-wrapped Christmas presents. It’s an image imprinted in my mind, the quintessential picture of New York.

But this year it didn’t snow in New York. And this year, Christmas didn’t come, except for those who celebrated it like members of a shameful secret society.

I’d heard vaguely about this “War on Christmas” in America, where people don’t say “Merry Christmas” but instead say “Happy Holidays”. I didn’t really believe it, because so much of the culture and imagery of Christmas is American.

Continue reading "New York I love you, but Christmas here is a let-down" »

If you’re a parent, you may think the seasonal requirement to buy your children stocking-loads of plastic crap has finally come to an end.

“Phew,” you may be saying (or perhaps flatulating if you consumed one too many prune-stuffed ham fists over Chrimbo).

“At last it will be possible to enter a shopping centre without being pressured to purchase a googolplex of anatomically unsound dolls, micro vehicles and cyber pets.”

Continue reading "Christmas is over but the brats need more bratz" »

Around this time last year my soon-to-be wife and I were finalising the preparations for our wedding. There are many questions that will be endlessly asked of newly-wed (or soon-to-be-wed) couples: How did you meet? How long have you known each other? Do the parents approve? But for me the worst question was “What do you want as a wedding present?” - and for two reasons.

Firstly, my wife and I had managed to inherit or buy most of the crockery, cutlery, cookware and linen that we needed to run our house in the early days of living together and by the time our wedding was drawing close we couldn’t think of anything else that we really needed.

The only suggestion I could make was for a new can-opener (ours had broken a few days after the wedding invites had gone out) and it was quite a challenge to convince people I was being serious.

Continue reading "‘Tis the season of useless bloody gifts" »

I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas yesterday, whatever you ended up doing. I spent the day, as I do every year, with my large family, which seems to grow every year.

Like many Australians, I’m looking forward to spending the next few weeks, relaxing, doing some reading, hanging out at the beach, catching up with family and friends – and doing a few chores around the house that I’ve been putting off for far too long.

But, of course, many others worked yesterday, and will be working during the summer break. When I was a nurse, I often worked on public holidays, including Christmas, which gave me a real appreciation of the penalty rates unions have won as compensation for those rostered on at those times.

Continue reading "And the Scroogie goes to…" »

Ten years ago, I drove cabs for a living. I’m pretty much done telling taxi stories, but there’s one I’ll share today, as it’s more or less in the spirit of Christmas.

It was the Friday before Christmas and I was working the area around Coogee/Maroubra on Sydney’s eastern suburbs beaches. It was a favourite spot to work as the fares were regular, and I stayed out of the city traffic.

So in the early evening, I pick up three young guys in South Coogee. They’re 18, maybe 19, and they get in the cab carrying brown paper bags filled with booze. They say “hey driver, can we drink this in here?”

Continue reading "Christmas tale: I got the bastards and I got ‘em good" »

One more sleep till D-Day… but this year, I’ve actually felt good about Christmas. It’s not a familiar feeling. In my adult life, Christmas tradition has involved ambivalence tending to hostility, a fortnight of creeping despair, then curling up after a bottle of cognac to cry in a corner and throw up mince on the rug.

Many of those years, if the bloke in the red suit had existed, I would have left him out a roast leg of venison and hoped that the reindeer could smell it on his clothes. No doubt many of us go through stages like this, where we want to go out and club a ringy-dingy elf right in the head.

And no wonder. The season can’t compete with how it was as a kid, when days were as long as novels and “Ten more minutes” was a judicial sentence. The heat somehow arrived earlier. The lead-up to Christmas stretched out to the horizon, as afternoons led a charge deep into the evenings and the grass dried to gold. Stepping outside to air already hot before we’d dressed for school. The toy shops excruciating in their possibility. The advent calendar crawling by, glue and crappy chocolate marking days that dragged out their final demise like a row of dying grandparents.

Continue reading "And so this is Christmas, which now I embrace" »

Around this time of year I usually like to write a column about the magic of Christmas. Possibly because around this time of year it usually is Christmas.

For many people, Christmas is the most joyous day of the year, which says a lot about our society. I don’t think it’s prejudiced to say that only Western European-based culture is civilised enough to celebrate the birth of a doomed baby by cutting down a tree and eating a dead animal.

Indeed, the prospect of Jesus being born just so He can be nailed to a tree in the prime of his life because the rest of us didn’t want to stop sinning makes us incredibly happy for some reason, the most likely one being that we are sadists. This would also explain Christmas shopping.

Continue reading "A learned meditation on the true meaning of Christmas" »

Given the season of excess that is Christmas, the event seems strangely downsized lately. Many of us bumped Christ a long time ago, whose birthday the event celebrates, in favour of a definition of Christmas that’s less about God and more about making merry with family.

Now that tradition might also be on the wane with some ditching the family bash, in case they’re tempted to bash up the rellies, in favour of a get-together with like-minded people they actually like. Then there are those, like Young Jean Lee, who just want to spend Christmas alone.

Lee, a subversive New York playwright, last year released her own carol singing the praises of a solo Christmas. In it, she enjoys her festive season minus disappointed family, egocentric friends, impossible standards, tension and yelling.

Continue reading "A solo Christmas is not necessarily a sad thing" »

Holding a foreign affairs portfolio in the Federal Government means you travel… a lot. And with a young family this carries with it certain domestic challenges.

So a social contract has developed between me and my family to resolve the situation. Be it out of compensation or guilt, provided I return bearing gifts then everything is OK.

My wife Rachel is the easiest piece of the puzzle. I pass through Duty Free often which simply means cosmetics. Her favourite is nail polish which lives in the refrigerator. After a year of travelling the inside door of the fridge now has a line-up of tomato sauce, milk and a bank of Chanel.

Continue reading "Sometimes Santa isn’t that good at choosing presents…" »

I don’t usually quote Rodney Adler. He’s not really my type of role model.

But he said something during the HIH Royal Commission which has stuck with me. I can’t remember the exact context but he was being cross-examined and asked about why he covered up certain financial issues or didn’t report others. His response was: he had to keep the lie alive.

That would have been about 10 years ago now and suddenly “keep the lie alive” is running through my head, particularly now I have a small child and it’s Christmas.

Continue reading "Is it naughty or nice to keep the Santa lie alive?" »

If you’re in a Harvey Norman store right now preparing to buy a video game, put it down. Gerry has commanded you.

The CEO of electronics chain Harvey Norman Gerry Harvey has admitted defeat and will finally be opening an online store.

But he won’t be selling fridges. Oh no. Nor will he be selling fans, or air-conditioning units, or iPods, iPads, televisions or cameras.

Continue reading "Hypocrite Harvey goes stormin’ into cyberspace" »

Amidst all the presents, food and rowdy family gatherings, Christmas has also traditionally been a time for pause and reflection.

The many modern variations of Charles Dickens’ classic cautionary tale A Christmas Carol, where a miserly old man is visited by the specter of a deceased friend who shows him the error of his ways by traveling through time to reveal the impact of his miserable actions, reveals how this story of reflection and redemption at Christmas time still rings true.

With Labor’s crisis mini-Budget (sneaked in after the Parliament rose for the year and while Australians started focusing on Christmas) revealing yet another deficit blow-out, I can’t help wondering if Julia and Wayne could do with a visit from the Ghost of Budgets Past.

Continue reading "Rubbery figures and the Ghosts of Budgets Past" »

We keep hearing that retail sales are flat in the lead-up to Christmas. We also keep hearing that more and more people are shopping online. We are yet to understand just how much the latter is undermining the former - especially in Australia this Christmas.

You tell us. Are you spending a little less in the stores this Christmas. If so, why? Is it because you’re jittery about the global economy and how the effects may flow on down to Australia? Or are you just spending dollar for dollar online?

This we know. The cool weather in south eastern Australia is partly blamed for slow sales. Retailers are even offloading casual workers early, news.com.au reports. What else is on your mind this Thursday, Punchers?

The first thing that got me excited about Christmas was how seamlessly it merged with Halloween.

One day the supermarket was full of orange, pumpkinesque loot buckets, and the next day it was filled with every Christmas symbol you can think of made from marshmallow, alongside special edition Toblerones that were tall enough to enter Grade 1. I fancied sucking on a marshmallow Madonna but they seemed to be sold out.

Next year, I will be marketing edible, orange snowmen carrying Australian flags and wearing cute little “I Luv U” T-shirts. These will be targeted at those who want to get into the spirit of things from October to February but also want to keep their spending on useless special occasion crap under control.

Continue reading "Our incredibly annoying but heartfelt Christmas traditions" »

Many of us these days prefer to take our Christmas without the Christ or the Mas(s). It’s convenient to keep the name, though – the world’s not quite ready for Sockandjockmas or Drinkingwhitewineinthesunmas.

The hijacking of this pagan/Christian celebration by the irreligious is of concern to many – particularly when the predictable stories start to circulate about childhood institutions ‘banning’ Christmas in favour of the bland and Americanised ‘Happy Holidays’.

Last week Tracey Spicer revealed that a Sydney class had torturously removed all references to Christ from end-of-year Christmas carols. Utterly ridiculous, of course, an unnecessary and probably unrequested bending over.

Continue reading "Do they know it’s Sockandjockmas Time at all?" »

I can’t do Christmas carols any more. I can’t. I can maybe handle Jingle Bells, but only because my brain automatically reverts to the clearly superior “Batman smells, Robin ran away” version, but Jingle Bell Rock can seriously go and die in a chestnut-roasting fire. Any song that asks me to “mix and a-mingle to a jinglin’ beat” ceases to deserve a place in my Yuletide vernacular.

Seriously, what does that even mean? That’s the problem with Christmas carols: they don’t make any frigging sense. Even after I’ve suspended my disbelief regarding virgin births, flying reindeer, the existence of myrrh and the not-everybody-has-a-chimney thing, there’s still a lot of bunk in Christmas carols that just doesn’t add up.

I’ll give you the fat-guy-who-doesn’t-work-very-often and the not-being-able-to-find-a-hotel-vacancy-at-Christmas-time, though. But the rest is all a bit iffy.

Continue reading "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells CROCK" »

He’ll wake up on Christmas Day the way he now does every day – without his Daddy. He’s just four, a little nugget of a boy. In years to come, he may remember the time he stood between Mummy and the Prime Minister, as the big coffin with the flag drove past. But, for now, something’s missing: there’s a hole in his family where his dad used to be.

“They’re tough little buggers,” his mum, Reigan Langley, tells me, her words fading to tears as she, her three daughters and her son face their first Christmas without the man around whom their lives pivoted. Todd Langley, the 28th Australian soldier to fall in Afghanistan, won’t be home for Christmas.

As the rest of us fret over the turkey or fuss over finishing touches, for Langley, this festive season is one of aching loss. Houses festooned with fairy lights, shopping centres tinkling with carols, even a nativity scene with its complete family must rasp like an untuned violin against her heart.

Continue reading "A very messy Christmas" »

The principal of a school in Sydney’s west is the Grinch who stole Christmas. Imagine the confusion on the faces of the three-year-olds at their End of Year Singalong for parents at the Inner Sydney Montessori School.

God forbid that they could be called Christmas carols! Instead of being allowed to sing, “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” their rosebud lips were twisted into wishing everyone a “Happy Holidays”.

They became confused. Eyes welled up. Parents were furious. The song sheet had been expunged of all reference to the birth of Christ.

Continue reading "What’s wrong with a little Christmas spirit?" »

Santa sucks.

It recently occurred to me that everyone eventually arrives at that same conclusion one way or the other.

I certainly did on Saturday, at precisely 12:36pm. Earlier that morning my wife and I packed up our two boys (one nearly 4 and the other 11 months) and headed off to our local shopping centre.

Continue reading "Can we get rid of this fat home intruder already?" »

I went Christmas shopping on Saturday. And I did something unusual: I put some thought into what I was doing BEFORE I walked into the shopping centre. And so my Christmas shopping season for 2011 came to a swift and mostly painless end.

What got me through it intact? For one, I went in with a list of things I had to get for people. I also escaped the 45-minute-long Christmas-time parking queues by (miraculously) finding one in the backstreets. The third ingredient was doing it all two weeks before I usually would.

In light of this, I thought I’d throw it out there: Have you got any hot tips for escaping the Christmas shopping rush? Any tricks of the trade? I’ve heard a bunch of people say online is the way to go. What says you?

And it’s Monday, Punchers, what else is on your mind?

Ten things I hate about gifts: shopping, choosing, wrapping, posting, forgetting, worrying they cost too much or they don’t cost enough, giving (what if they hate it?), receiving (what if I hate it, but have to pretend I don’t?) and – the worst – opening something from someone you love and feeling as if they don’t know you at all.

I should be a terrific gift giver. I see things I’d love all the time. And I’m always stashing recycled ribbons and baubly bits in the hope of having a Martha Stewart moment.

But as the occasions that demand a gift proliferate – Valentine’s, baby showers, divorce parties – I become more Grinch-like or, as my husband puts it, “meaner than a mouse’s turd”. He’s justified: I did give him cutlery once. But, for several years, he gave me cookbooks until, one exhausted Christmas morning, I snapped: “If you want to eat Nigella Lawson’s food, then you should’ve bloody married her.”

Continue reading "The best Chrissy present is actually just being present" »

In a few weeks’ time, most of us will be sprawled out on the floor, muttering incoherently and licking flecks of gravy from the backs of our hands.

But not everyone will get to enjoy the holiday season - from the thousands of unimpressed cats who will spend hours desperately clawing at their “adorable” Santa hats and angel wings, to that one guy who is pretty sure everyone on his gift list wants bath salts for Christmas.

These are the people for whom we should spare a thought as we eat, drink and nap our way through a relatively stress-free and rejuvenating festive season.

Pray, for instance, for those shopping centre Jolly Red Men, who must patiently listen to the most insufferable of our spawn and force belly laughs while resisting the urge to violently shake every parent in the line who thinks an iPhone is a reasonable gift for a four-year-old.

Continue reading "Spare a thought for the pathetic this Christmas" »

Well, ho, ho, ho. Talk about Christmas spirit. The big department stores are accused of exploiting Christmas by charging more than $20 for a photo with Santa.

I, for one, think it’s an excellent idea. Well, they’ve got to do something to make a buck with all those Judases buying cheap stuff online.

In fact, I think they should take this marvellous measure even further…

Continue reading "Christmas takings are more important than giving" »

I recently started a new job and at my very first team meeting, I was informed that I would be included in my new team’s Kris Kringle for the impending enforced Christmas “celebrations”.

As you would expect, yay. Is it possible to yay in an even lower case? yay. There you go.

Now, I know that this groan-inducing ritual must happen in offices all around the world (well, except for maybe the Middle East, India and most of Asia but lets not get pedantic) at this time of year – the exchanging of unwanted, thoughtless gifts between team-members who haven’t gotten to know each other well enough over the course of the year to know what to get each other.

Continue reading "For Kryin’ out loud, Kris Kringle is a Kolossal Kringe" »

“Cream the butter and sugar until pale,” it says in her cursive writing. “Soak the fruit in a cup of sherry.” This little notebook must be nearly a century old. It’s penned in pounds and ounces and smudged with the syrupy stains of hundreds of cakes.

I don’t remember the lady who owned it, my great-grandmother, who died when I was two. But her name, Rachel, is threaded like a tacking stitch through our family, and her recipes for rock cakes and neenish tarts are still filling lunch boxes five generations later.

Like my mother, grandmother and great-grandmother, I bake. A lot. Cakes, slices, more scones than seems appropriate for a woman two decades short of 60. I bake when I’m stressed and when I’m happy. Mostly, I do it when I want to make other people happy.

Continue reading "Happiness has only one yummy ingredient: baking!" »

To be or not to be truthful about Santa? This, for many concerned, Christmas-ing parents, is the question.

I’m always amazed at the number of fully grown humans who insist that the Santa lie preserves the “magic” and “innocence” of Christmas for children.

Ah, yes: a strangely attired man who obscures his identity with facial hair (and has a lap fetish and a naughtiness obsession) is about to break into your home via your chimney. How magic is that.

Continue reading "Plastered parents: Santa’s not the only festive fib" »

Not enough people are applying for the job of Local Shopping Centre Santa. People are un-applying in plague proportions. Turns out being urinated on for four weeks by other peoples’ greedy brats isn’t such a hot ticket after all.

It may be that the ratio of children to deep-voiced jolly men with robust thighs is off. It could be that those that are around and available are worried about the potentially awkward and litigious practice of having children sit on your lap and ask you for presents.

Or of course for any children reading, it could be that there’s only one Santa, and he’s busy making peanut-free toys for you all at the North Pole. Probably hanging out with Jesus or something, I don’t know.

Continue reading "Ho, ho, ho! It’s a Father Christmas shortage!" »

The 150th floor of the Dubai’s Burj Khalifa would guarantee a great view of the vast desert city. But if you’re Muslim and observing the holy month of Ramadan, it’ll also make you hungry.

Residents occupying the loftier levels of the world’s tallest building, will have to wait two minutes longer than their neighbours on the lower floors to break their fast, given how much longer their elevated position frames the sun on the horizon.

That’s how seriously the Islamic world takes their festival of Ramadan.

Continue reading "If only Christmas was more like Ramadan" »

It’s 9am on Christmas morning and I am standing in a queue in a rather ornate, grandiose building in Sydney.

I am among the many worshippers at the Church of Mary Immaculate in Waverley. And I am about to receive Communion.

Except I am a Jew, a traditional Jew who only weeks prior had a candelabra flickering in my window for eight nights in celebration of the miracle of Hannukah, when the Greeks tried – but failed – to annihilate the Jews and our holy temple more than 2000 years ago.

Continue reading "Holy Dilemma! A Jew does Communion and Christmas" »

Were you watching petrol prices in the lead up to Christmas 2010? If you were, then you would have noticed that the average retail price of unleaded petrol was going up around Australia.

So what was behind the price hike in the lead up to Christmas? Well, there were a number of possible reasons, all of which meant that motorists were generally paying more than they needed to for petrol during the festive season. Some of these reasons, as we will see, also meant that motorists were paying inflated prices in some places.

Let’s start at the retail end and work our way back to international petrol and oil prices.

Continue reading "Why petrol is so freakin’ expensive during the holidays" »

It’s that time of the year again when people begin pieces with “it’s that time of the year again” and tweak the end bit slightly to sound cool and “alternative”.

I refer, of course, to the awkward period between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

Hands grip wobbling bellies in the aftermath of a national pudding massacre as their owners ponder how they will lose the extra baggage before the all-important New Year’s party.

Continue reading "A glimpse of life in 2040" »

Tonight I’m going to pour myself a generous glass of red made from biodynamically grown grapes, turn the ABC up loud, and take down the Christmas tree.

I’ll lovingly pack away the angels made from old tin cans by poor kids in South Africa.

Then the hand-painted Christmas balls, lovingly painted by Hazara women, will go back in the box.

Continue reading "Giving the gift that keeps on giving" »

Deck the halls and fill the cupboards; despite the pre-Yuletide complaints from some shops Christmas is invariably a multi-billion dollar smorgasboard of retail excess.

The question, though, is what to do with all that stuff once you’ve unwrapped it?

Because it’s not like we truly need a lot of it.

Continue reading "What are you doing with all those unwanted gifts?" »

At this time of year – what with all that tinsel distracting us – it’s easy to lose sight of another important celebration.

That’s right - hands up if you haven’t yet erected your aluminium pole for Festivus?

Like most tragic Gen X-ers I have a ridiculous amount of Seinfeld trivia stored in my head.

Continue reading "Had a shitty year? There’s always Festivus" »

It’s hard to believe that another year is over and tonight thoughts of Santa Clause’s arrival into homes across Australia will have many a young mind too excited to sleep.  It’s a fabulous time of year for sure and as things wind down towards Saturday, the festive spirit is rapidly starting to sink it. 

Around this time of year I always find myself reminiscing back to when I was a child and it always gets me thinking, is Christmas still the same? Overlooking the obvious differences of my AGE and the fact that I now spend my Christmas in a hot climate away from the snowed over landscapes of Europe – do I still celebrate Christmas like I used to?

Not getting into any of the religious aspects of Christmas, for me the spirit has always been that something in the air, that thing that can’t really be described but which I know exists. A festive feeling, a general vibe! For some reason though, I’m not feeling it yet this year and I’m wondering why?

Continue reading "Struggling to get hold of the Christmas spirit" »

Every year it’s the same.

The chanting starts. Rum. Rum. Rum. Rum. I pull my pillow over my head and try to drown it out, to no avail.

Cue the angelic singers… and a mere 20 seconds into my day the phrase I’ve been dreading all year is heard: ``Come they told me, parum pum pum pum’‘, delivered in the svelte motown tones of Boney M’s Liz Mitchell.

Continue reading "Oh Come All Ye Crappy Christmas Songs" »

For retailers, the miracle of Christmas hasn’t got anything to do with a heavily pregnant woman and a manger, but rather anticipated sales of $39.9 billion dollars between mid-November and December 24.

The slap up meal most of us will be tucking into on the 25th accounts for a big chunk of this spending but many billions of dollars will also be spent on gifts. 

Perhaps the scariest part about this is the billions that will be spent on fizzers: gifts that don’t hit the mark, gifts that don’t even get airborne; gifts that break before the New Year; gifts that you need to keep out of sight and then retrieve whenever the relevant donor is in the vicinity. 

Continue reading "Presenting: A guide to Christmas gift giving" »

It’s been a long and exciting year here at The Punch and we wanted to say thank you for coming along for the ride. Some of you have given us a lot to think about during 12 months full of political intrigue and entertainment.

We also wanted to let you know we will be on deck over the summer holidays for when you can peel yourself away from the Ashes, or the beach, or what ever else you’re doing if you’re lucky enough to get a break. So keep visiting.

For those who like movies we thought The King’s Speech, which opens nationally in cinemas on Boxing Day, looked like something a Punch reader would be keen to see. So the first ten readers who email me (tors@thepunch.com.au) after 11am AEDT today will get a double pass. (Update 11.15am AEDT - you lot are quick off the mark. All double passes are allocated, thanks for all the lovely emails).

Continue reading "A little Christmas present from The Punch" »

This Christmas do yourself, your friends, your colleagues and your family a favour – don’t tweet drunk!

With 2.5 million Australians now using Twitter, the fastest growing social networking site, the ability to embarrass yourself is only a click away.

Over 85 per cent of Twitter usage is via mobile devices such as iPhones and Blackberries. In turn, most tweets are done on the run, in public and often in a hurry.

Unlike drunk texting, which is one-to-one, tweeting is one-to-many, with your indiscriminate remark about your inappropriate boss now potentially going to hundreds. Worse still, despite the anonymity that Twitter allows through profiles, you may be being ‘followed’ by an ex flame, an unfriendly colleague and even your creepy uncle.

Continue reading "If you’re over 0.05 step away from the Twitter machine" »

When Christmas Day becomes just another work day, you would have to say that the free market has finally spun out of control.

While it’s no surprise that big business tries to squeeze every last cent out of workers, we hope for something a little bit better from government. That’s why its so shocking that in some states, this Christmas won’t be a public holiday.

Since time immemorial civilisations have centred around core beliefs and values that shape their society.  They tell us who we are and what we want to be. To celebrate and share these values, every culture has developed its own calendar of special and holy days.

Continue reading "Governments stealing Christmas from workers" »

Quite possibly the most stupid thing I’ve ever done as a grown-up is to reinvent the Advent calendar. In the early days of motherhood, I was so determined that my children weren’t going to consume the cheap, meaningless chocolate versions from the supermarket, I created my own.

I bought fabric from Lincraft and asked my babysitter to stitch it into the shape of a tree, with little pockets numbered one to 25.

It started well, with me penning witty, educational notes and tucking them into the pockets alongside the odd preservative-free candy cane and felt tree decoration. ‘Find out how children celebrate Christmas in France,’ urged one. ‘Choose one of your toys to give to children who have nothing,’ prompted another.

Continue reading "Ditching the yummy mummy wish for a stylish Christmas" »

Ho! Ho! Ho! Yes, it’s that time of year again, when political correctness rears its ugly head and the majority of us are gifted the opportunity for a little righteous indignation with our eggnog.

Except nobody told new Victorian Premier Ted Baillieu.  In a bold and somewhat surprising display of common sense for a politician, he has made an effort to bring the spirit of the season back into Australian schools, insisting children “have the opportunity to enjoy the simple pleasures of Christmas”.

Praise the Lord indeed.

Continue reading "It’s called Christmas folks, with a capital C" »

Come Christmas Day, many members of the book-reading class are likely to wake up to find a copy of Things Bogans Like (TBL) in their stocking. The book was released in late October but its publicist, Nicola Pitt, is “expecting a spike in sales just before Christmas as people buy the book to give to friends and family. It’s one of those gifts that result in lively Christmas lunch conversation”.

Needless to say, those having lively conversations about Things Bogans Like, which has spun off the wildly popular website of the same name, are not themselves likely to be bogans and any bogan who does stumble upon the book is unlikely to find much to laugh about.

In contrast to Kath & Kim’s Jane Turner and Gina Riley, the six young men (who’ve opted to remain anonymous) behind TBL satirise what they perceive as the pretension, racism, ignorance, unabashed self-interest, clumsy social climbing, sheepish conformism, hyper consumerism and reactionary politics of Australia’s rapidly gentrifying lower orders without the tiniest sliver of empathy or affection for their targets. The vicious humour of the book is irradiated with class condescension of the let’s snigger about what those people watch (trashy current affairs programs), buy (Buddhist-themed home furnishings) and name their children (Chanel or Armani) variety.

Continue reading "I, for one, welcome our new bogan overlords" »

I was driving past an old friend’s house the other day, and my daughter noticed that she had already put up some Christmas decorations. This made me realise three things.

Firstly, that I am a bad Father. I don’t think I will get around to putting up any Christmas decorations this year. It’s not that I don’t like Christmas, in actual fact I LOVE Christmas.  It’s more because I couldnt be bothered trying to find sticky tape or scissors. One day I expect to open up a draw and find a leprechaun guarding a lifetime supply of both.

Secondly, that friends are God’s ways of apologising for our families. But the most important thing I realised was that Santa Claus is a woman.

Continue reading "Santa Claus is a woman" »

As we tumble towards the festive season, on the back of an interest rate hike, with a bleak Christmas predicted for both retailers and consumers, once again I find myself sinking into a Santa-induced depression.

I truly hate this time of year.

And once again I find myself seeking temporary relief from my woes in the pages of the self-help books hidden under my bed.

Continue reading "Me, my self-help and I - a Christmas lament" »

Rule 1 - Santa never asks children whether they have been naughty or nice. These days all kids are nice (apparently…)

Rule 2 - Santa needs to regulate his ho-ho-hos to a moderate level so as to not scare small children. Therefore, the large bellowing ‘HO-HO-HO’ is a no-no.

Rule 3 – Santa needs to keep his hands visible at all times, especially when photos are taken. This rule is legally in Santa’s best (legal) interests.

Continue reading "The sad side of modern Santa" »

For sale: One cute animal that will help you save the world… or will it just make you feel better?

Charity gift packages that offer you the chance to buy a friend a goat, some chickens or even a pile of poo for a poverty-stricken family in the developing world might make us feel warm and fuzzy, but they can also be misleading.

On the plus side, they offer a tangible way of giving someone the gift of charity donation for a present. Buying a “goat” might come with an e-card, a receipt and a funny picture of the creature packed with his suitcase and ready to go. In short, a relatable image of what you may have contributed to.

Continue reading "The ethics of buying a goat" »

Merry Christmas from everyone @ The Punch

Wishing you a safe and happy Christmas day.

Christmas is an odd time of year at Parliament. It’s a ghost town populated by a few grumpy staffers who inexplicably have to work and a few merrier journos who spend a rather long time at lunch.

But with such merriment one also has to keep an eye out for the Government dumping the trash when nobody is looking.

On Tuesday night at 6:30 the Government put out a press release quietly announcing that the controversial Men’s Health Ambassadors program, of which Julia Gillard’s partner was the marquee signing, had met for the final time and was being scrapped.

Continue reading "Tis the season to bury bad Government decisions" »

The Communications Electrical and Plumbing Union say they’ve been trying to negotiate with Australia Post for months and have been left with no choice but to strike three days before Christmas.

Australia Post says they’ve been forced to bump up the numbers of their Christmas casuals to deal with the all the joy and good tidings landing in post boxes around the country. One man’s “Christmas casual” is another man’s “strike breaker”.

Talk about bad timing. Unions clearly go for the holiday season to maximise the impact of their actions. Last week in Sydney the bus drivers walked off the job. British Airways had to scramble to avert a 12 day strike. And now the posties have given themselves a bit of extra time to get the last minute shopping done.

Continue reading "Who’s the grinch, Australia Post or the union?" »

There’s a high-risk derivative of the time-honoured “Secret Santa” that has become quite popular in recent years.  All the carefully (and not so carefully) selected gifts are pooled and one by one participants get to select and open a present.  They then face a choice: keep the present they’ve just opened or forfeit it and go for another, the contents of which are unknown but with which they will be stuck.

Ornately wrapped, carefully presented gift boxes adorned with bows and baubles are, unsurprisingly, first picks.  But they don’t often yield the best results.

However, it’s human to be tempted by the promise of something better, to be lured by the illusion of a grander prize.

Continue reading "Beware the electoral Santa bearing gifts" »

Update 8.05am: The early birds have triumphed. All ten passes are accounted for. Sorry if you missed out - go see the movie anyway. Tors.

It’s hard to believe it’s Christmas Day this Friday, and The Punch is nearly 7-months-old. We’re here because of you, so thank you for that.

You may have noticed we’re a bit politically obsessed here, as it seems, are most of you. In the Loop is a movie for political tragics with a robust sense of humour (to call the language colourful is an understatement).

It’s out in cinemas here from January 21 - and the first 10 people to email me and ask (8.10am: they’ve all been allocated now, sorry) will get a double pass to see it.

Continue reading "A little Christmas present from The Punch" »

After four or so months in New York City, I am heading back to Australia this week for a quickie eight-day Christmas break. And I’m already dreaming of a bright Christmas. I might not get it.

In true made-for-TV movie style, a massive snow storm is crawling up the east coast of America this weekend, delaying flights and disrupting travellers heading home for the holidays.

My flight from JFK is scheduled for about the time the blizzard’s supposed to hit New York.

Continue reading "Postcard from a snow-bound New York City" »

Surely it’s some kind of peer reviewed joke. A researcher at Monash university has published a paper in the British Medical Journal saying it’s time to re-think Santa because he’s an obese, speeding drink-driver who spreads disease and is therefore a bad role model.

Ditto, obviously, for the tooth fairy who is doing a roaring trade in body parts. And the Easter Bunny must be a bad role model too because he brings chocolate and also makes no sense. And the bogeyman, who has questionable hygiene and engages in the potentially deadly activity of climbing up on rooftops to make things go bump.

There are too many bad role models around kids, but they’re much more omnipresent than Santa. The morbidly obese, the lazy, the cheats and liars of the world are everywhere and tragically some kids see this behaviour in their homes 365 days a year. And that’s before you get to rugby league players and drug-addled Hollywood starlets.

Continue reading "Save Santa from wowsers" »

Ok so you’d never call them fashionable. And they’re really time-consuming.

You feel guilty when you get them from people you never see and they’re definitely not good for the environment.

But can we please not get rid of giving Christmas cards? Especially the ones that come with a yearly update and family photo stapled to the inside.

Continue reading "Keeping Christmas real" »

The 19th century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche put before people a choice: Dionysos or the Crucified?

He saw with clarity that there were two starkly opposed views of life being lived out around him. One followed Dionysos, or Dionysius, the Greco-Roman God of wine, who championed hedonism. The other was the Christian way, the way of the crucified saviour who gave his life for others. God taking on flesh to save the world — that’s crazy, said Nietzsche. Many today seem to agree with him.

A new book called The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas (Ariane Sherine (Ed), The Friday Project, 2009) agrees with Nietzsche, but wants to tell even him to chill out a bit when it comes to Christmas.

Continue reading "Nietzsche and Simon Le Bon: Do they know it’s Christmas?" »

Welcome to another week of tales from darkest suburbia, where we ask: “When will the relentless march toward Christmas stories stop?” Not until the last fake tree and fairy lights are packed away, apparently.

Thus, we start in Sydney where St Nick has been banished from Sydney Airport following allegations of misconduct. The Southern Courier reports the man hired to wear the big red suit was fired for what a Qantas worker described as possible “inappropriate gestures to the elves”. 

A new Santa has already been hired, so the ho ho ho-ing chain will hopefully continue unbroken.

Continue reading "Suburban tales: St Nick under siege" »

Ever wondered what would have happened if Santa forgot to turn up one year? Well Copenhagen may not be quite the North Pole but that’s the scenario that looks like playing out this Christmas.

While 73 per cent believing that the Copenhagen conference is important, only 19 per cent think its likely a deal to address global climate change will end up in their stocking.

In the midst of this misery, Santa’s Little Helpers at the Punch today attempt to spread a little joy with our inaugural Christmas Gift List for the Undeserving.

Continue reading "A Christmas wish-list for the undeserving" »

‘Tis the season to pretend there’s nothing wrong with starting Christmas celebrations this early in December, as we wind our way through the shopping malls and homemaker centres of suburbia.

We start in the southeast corner of Melbourne, where one council has decided to change up its approach to the festive season. The Mordialloc Chelsea Leader reports that Kingston council, sick of squabbling over public liability insurance rates, has packed up the tinsel streamers and hanging fairy lights – safe in the knowledge that no plastic stars can fall on the heads of passers by.

Instead, they’ve chosen to cover rubbish bins in Christmas wrapping.  For the price of $26,000, some 200 bins in the area get to be wrapped with reusable Australiana-themed livery.

Continue reading "The dark heart of a suburban Christmas" »

The so-called “festive season” needs a new name. 

Because as it stands right now with it’s smug connotations of happiness, relaxation and general mirth-it’s terrifically misleading.

Take for instance, this incident one night last week.

Continue reading "Five ways to make Aussie Christmas better" »