Beauty

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the reject miscreants of a dying civilisation stole a starship and headed to Earth. Their mission? To infiltrate the fashion industry and render it unsuitable for humans.

Every now and then, humans suspect that something has gone terribly wrong. In news today, people are suspicious because the 16-year-old winner of Miss World Fiji Torika Watters doesn’t look “native” enough. According to news.com.au:

“The ugly race row has even included attacks on Watters’ hair, with many claiming the model chosen to represent the island nation should have a “buiniga” - the local word used to describe the naturally-fuzzy Fijian hairstyle.”

Continue reading "Why Miss World contestants are sometimes not ‘native’" »

It’s no longer enough that the Beautiful People taunt us Mere Mortals with their poreless, flawless skin, their lack of bingo wings, their perfectly proportioned torsos – now they feel they have to teach us stuff as well.

This desire to prove they are more than just underfed clothes hangers began with the beauty competitions where for some bizarre reason uttering inanities about world peace or why the children are our future became part of the judging process.  The trend spread with the ease of a $100/ml skin boosting serum and now every model-slash-actor feels duty bound to impart morsels of wisdom to the sad, lumpy, blemish-afflicted masses.

It would be slightly more acceptable if they stuck to honest accounts of the torture they have to inflict on themselves to keep their superhuman beauty (The Day I Accidentally Took Too Many Laxatives Just Before A Long Swimsuit Shoot). But that’s not enough for them. No, now they share all sorts of advice; from parenting to lifestyle to health.

Continue reading "Why beautiful people should stick to what they’re good at" »

Ladies, please keep your distance today. For one day in the year, I beg you. Allow me to repose unpestered and alone in my magnificence. Today, I need my space.

Today, my perfect face with its high cheekbones and steely jaw is unusually furrowed, and all because of a wonderful column by UK writer Samantha Brick. Not until I read her raw, groundbreaking words did I realise I share her problem.

Samantha and I are siblings in exquisiteness. We are soul brother and sister in sheer physical splendour. Like Ms Brick, I am a victim of my own vivacity and it’s time my plight was highlighted.

Continue reading "My unbearable life as a handsome man" »

Last week, I bumped into a male friend wearing make-up. Eyeliner, to be precise. Or ‘guyliner’, as it’s apparently known. My friend, incidentally, isn’t gay or a goth or an emo.

He’s not David Bowie on a jaunt to Sydney’s Northern Beaches. Nope, my mate is a 40-something father-of-two and we were at a child’s birthday party. Did I mention he was also wearing nail polish?

Anyway, there we were, chatting about schools and work, and the whole time I was thinking, mate, what’s with the make-up? So, being the sensitive and thoughtful person that I am, I asked, “Are you wearing eyeliner?”

Continue reading "Men’s make-up. Fabulous or freaky?" »

Even cute babies have ugly mothers.  That’s how it was in the Bonds Baby online beauty contest last week, when things got so nasty the police were called in.

Outraged by a computer glitch which interrupted voting for their precious widdle sweedies, spurned mums turned on other chubby-cheeked cherubs in the running.

“Bonds Australia not Asia” was the charming comment posted beside a photo of two-year-old contestant Lilli, who shares Asian and European heritage.  One baby copped “a child only a mother could love” and another was labelled an “ugly duckling”.

Continue reading "Children can turn mothers into monsters" »

My husband was recently driving along, listening to a debate on the radio – as you do when you don’t have two kids squabbling in the back and a swimming lesson to be at in four minutes – when he spotted a striking blonde.

As he tells it, he simply glanced at her from behind but, being a trained observer, he managed to take in her tight white jeans, crop-top and foxy heels. But what he most recalls (and remember, he only had that nanosecond) was the glossy, platinum hair flicking against her tanned back.

As he drove past, he checked her out in his wing mirror – because you never know when a girl might trip on her heels and need roadside assistance. That’s when, he says, he nearly drove the car into the local chicken shop.

Continue reading "The long and the short of hair and ageing" »

If one’s face can’t register an orgasm, is the climax still as good?

Startling as it may seem, I feel liberated by the decay of beauty.  It’s a bold statement, but in this era, when the glorification of all that is youthful is paramount, I hope that I look like the mother of my eldest daughter, (who for the record is almost 24,) and not at all like her sister. I don’t want to be in competition with her, or my younger girl, who is only eight. I want them to take up the mantle of their own prime years and have me cheering them on from the proper place - as the more senior female of the clan.

Our society so abhors the discussion of ageing and death, that we have embraced a whole new industry of psychological touchstones involving chemicals and knives and a race to look 10 years younger in 10 days. I don’t castigate or object to anyone making personal choices regarding cosmetic procedures, nor do I rule them out for myself if I feel I want them. But I am concerned that so many of my friends, acquaintances and even other people in the media are beginning to relinquish their unique expressions of emotion and life experience at the point of a needle.

Continue reading "Cosmetic work can make you mistake chit-chat for orgasm" »