Afl

One element of the Rugby World Cup came through loud and clear. This was a Pacific event.

Three Pacific island nations competed to rapturous receptions. When the Tongan team arrived in New Zealand they were greeted by 10,000 members of the Tongan community who lined the streets from Auckland airport.

From Papua New Guinea to Samoa to Niue there were Pacific players representing teams from Wales to Australia to the All Blacks themselves.

Continue reading "Let’s include our neighbour in the fun and games" »

I hate football. There, I said it. Curse me. Stone me. lock me in a tiny room with At Home with Julia on loop. I deserve it all.

It makes me a bit of an outcast, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t bring myself to care about a group of guys in short shorts lumbering after a piece of cow hide. 

This is despite being born and bred in Melbourne, where AFL is the prevailing religion and all the players are Gods.

Continue reading "My name is Emily Portelli and I HATE football" »

Each weekend, Australians everywhere take up the colours of sporting codes. Soccer. AFL. In the right season, cricket. It’s common to play out the match ahead of time. Who’s performing well. Who had a shocker last week. If we’re lucky enough to be part of the live action you can see small plays around the goal that set up for the mark.

Skirmishes off to the side that allow for the break away try. A late shuffle in the slips signalling something out wide. And as our eyeballs scan the field for the strategic moves of game play, we’re all doing something that serves as an analogy for the wider urban field of play.

We’re witnessing a set of strategic plays unfold. Canadian Ice Hockey star, Wayne Gretzky was quoted as saying; ‘A good hockey player plays where the puck is. A great hockey player plays where the puck is going to be.’ Glory on the sporting field is all about anticipating where that puck/ball/catch is coming next. Imagine if that was how we ran our cities?

Continue reading "Australian cities - failure to plan means planning to fail" »

I was never really an AFL fan.  Until last year’s final I was not able to confirm with confidence if, when a ball struck the outer post, it counted as a point or not.  Yet I was surprised that the Grand Final tie did not produce as much buzz or excitement around town as I would have expected. 

The city should have been brimming with football fever during the week’s interlude between matches, but instead I found most talk of ‘footy’ sneered at as almost an embarrassing interruption to the weekend.  Though I might not have been much of a fan, I always had time for the role AFL played in the city’s spirit. 

Thus, almost in defence of the game’s apparent decline in popularity, I feel obliged to pay homage to this most definitive affirmation of Melbourne’s identity.

Continue reading "There’s nothing more Melbourne than AFL" »

Meat Loaf is one loose unit. That’s why anything could happen when the headline act for the pre-game entertainment at tomorrow’s AFL Grand Final between Collingwood and Geelong lets rip with a medley of his biggest hits. Five songs in twelve minutes will be some feat for a singer whose tracks are often “epic” in running time.

Fingers crossed the whole show is a catastrophe because, let’s face it, the only reason anybody watches the grand final “entertainment” is to see one spectacular disaster. Good, bad or ugly, the “Bat Out of Hell” will be flat-out trying to upstage the biggest horror show involving song, dance and choreography ever seen at a major sporting event.

The worst in history is Angry Anderson and the Batmobile. I remembered this atrocity after coming across a great article by leading sports blogger The Mad Chatter.

Continue reading "When Mr Loaf meats AFL anything could happen" »

To become a member of the Geelong Football Club you need a name, a birth date and an address.

In March 2007 my wife Rachel was in the family way. Thanks to an ultrasound, a planned caesar, and a stable household, for yet-to-be born Harvey I already had the three pieces of information. So with Rachel twenty weeks pregnant, Harvey became a member of the Geelong Football Club: in utero.

He is, to this day, officially the youngest ever member of the Cats.

Continue reading "Chasing the meaning of football and life" »

It is hard to believe the NRL, a code which galvanises communities in two of the largest states in Australia, could be staring at financial collapse because of the Gillard Government’s gambling reforms.

It is hard to believe that the AFL, the national game which enjoys the status of a religion in four states and one territory, is also facing ruin because of the mandatory pre-commitment proposal to make gamblers think about how much they are prepared to wager on poker machines before placing a bet.

It is hard to believe because it is simply unbelievable. It is hard to believe because it is rubbish.

Continue reading "The depressing truth about football’s gambling addiction" »

The Revesby Workers’ Club in Sydney’s far south-west used to do a lot for charities, pensioners and kids. It doesn’t anymore though, according to an article in the club’s latest quarterly magazine.

“The poker machine tax is crippling us”, the club’s secretary says in the article. “We can’t afford to help the community anymore. We’re a club and our first duty is to our members – we have to provide amenities for them. It’s a shame we can’t do both.”

Poker machine tax? Does that have anything to do with what NRL commentator Phil Gould was ranting about when the footy was on last Friday? Does it have something to do with that “footy tax” Eddie McGuire has been yapping about? Or whatever those WHO VOTED FOR A LICENCE TO PUNT? coasters at the club are all about? It sure sounds like it. But nope.

Continue reading "Pissing away the future with pokies, then and now" »

“They are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them.”

No one is quite sure whether JK Rowling’s description of dementors was inspired by Collingwood fans but it would be safe to assume that at some point in her life, the Harry Potter author had the misfortune to spend time with the Magpie faithful - so chillingly accurate is her account of how their mere presence affect ordinary folk.

It would be wrong to characterise all Collingwood supporters as ill-bred, gutter dwelling oxygen thieves more likely to break into your car than make a meaningful contribution to society, but one can understand why that perception exists.

Continue reading "‘Pies have the game plan, Hawks have a dental plan" »

The impending footballing weekend is all about “bromance”, that modern term which refers to the state of male bonding when mateship goes all misty-eyed and meaningful.

In the real world, men shake hands firmly, then brusquely ask “how’s it goin’ champ?”. Sport is different. When sportsmen step over that white line, they enter a beautiful parallel universe. They pat each other on the arse and tell each other “I love you like a brother”. And they mean it.

Male team sport was made for man love. Not the Brokeback Mountain kind of love, (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but a special form of mutual admiration.

Continue reading "A finals bromance" »

Today’s NRL State of the Game report revealed a particularly impressive set of figures, which NRL CEO David Gallop didn’t hesitate to fire straight across the bow of the AFL.

In particular, Gallop drew attention to the number of close matches in the NRL this year. As Gallop and the despairing AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou would know only too well, the AFL has had more blowouts than Summernats this year. And a lopsided competition is a predictable competition is a dull competition.

While the NRL still lags well behind the AFL in terms of attendance, one of its key advantages is its dominance in subscription TV, where it boasts 74 of the top 100 programs so far in 2011.

Continue reading "The gap narrows between the two big codes" »

As the finals near and we sort the footballing wheat from the chaff, let us pause to salute those players who are neither exquisitely talented nor thrilling to watch.

The ones who are Commodores, not footballing Ferraris. The players who have to buy their own drinks in nightclubs, and probably even queue to get in.

That is not to denigrate their contribution. Not by a long stretch. Average players are the infantry who make the generals look good. They are the quiet guy in the office toiling away uncomplainingly while the suits are out to lunch.

Continue reading "A salute to humble, honest footballing toilers" »

Collingwood has copped a truckload of bumps - mostly off the field - in its quest to win back-to-back premierships.

A year of troublemakers, distractions and criticisms has added fuel to the Pies’ fire. The players will tell you they’re hungry to win consecutive AFL flags under Mick Malthouse’s leadership.

The Pies’ efforts are working to great effect, and the players realise they are in top nick for another crack at the flag.

Continue reading "It’s impossible to picture Malthouse in a backseat role" »

Well, Sydney pipped Melbourne by a nose this weekend for gripping sporting action. Check this amazing - and I mean amazing - pick up by Gold Coast Titans winger David Mead last night in his side’s surprise win over the Sharks.

Wait, what I saying? No win over the Sharks is a surprise.

Melbourne struck back with the humdinger at Etihad last night, where Essendon squeaked home by a point. Adam Goodes, who is both literally and figuratively the Swans’ poster boy (he’s on bus shelters all over Sydney) shaved the wrong side of the big stick after the siren. What a game. What a weekend.

Continue reading "Oh yeahhhh! Oh nooooo!" »

Tempting as it is to bang on about the perennially inept Melbourne Demons, the real story is at the pointy end of the AFL ladder.

Jim Stynes, the admirable Melbourne Demons president, did a good job of being stoic but not stubborn at an emergency press conference today, hot on the heels of his team’s record 186 point weekend thrashing, and the subsequent sacking of coach Dean Bailey.

Amazingly, the woeful Demons are still just a game-and-a-half out of the eight. That says less about them than it does about Collingwood and Geelong. And it leads to one conclusion. The grand final should be played tomorrow.

Continue reading "Stop the AFL season, I want to get off" »

Nothing better symbolises the hypocrisy that surrounds sports betting in this country than this painting, which depicts the scenes in the Collingwood rooms after last year’s grand final.

You can’t see it at this resolution, but if you view the original painting up close, a betting slip is clearly visible in the hand of Tyson Goldsack, who is the bloke about fourth from the left standing against the wall with another player’s arm around his shoulder.

The slip contains the words “Mrs” and “80-1” and “first goal” – a reference to the successful bet Goldsack’s Mum placed on her son kicking the first goal. Nothing was untoward about that bet. But all the same, it’s a nice irony given the events of the past week.

Continue reading "It’s time to torpedo the punt" »

This is the second instalment of Penbo’s series of columns for the Herald-Sun on what Australia really thinks of Victoria.

In his first year as prime minister the rugby league-loving St George Dragons fan John Howard was the unlikely winner of the 1996 parliamentary press gallery AFL footy tipping competition.

The rules required the winner to put a sizeable amount of cash on the parliamentary bar. Before a boozy throng of journos, Howard gave a terrific off-the-cuff speech which belied his league pedigree and offered some thoughtful and charitable insights into the place of Aussie Rules in our national identity.

Even though Howard doesn’t care for the game – he refused to barrack for the Swans in that year’s grand final because he didn’t want to seem a bandwagon-jumper – the PM said Aussie Rules was the only football code in Australia which transcended class and ethnicity.

Continue reading "The sport that transcends race, class…and humility" »

As a relative newcomer to Sydney, I’ve discovered a phrase I almost never heard mentioned before I moved here: “Western Sydney”. As someone who lives in the Eastern Suburbs, the Western Suburbs aren’t really on my radar.  I have little need to go out there. 

I did, however, discover some new information about Western Sydney last weekend.  Its new AFL team, the Giants, took the field against the Sydney Swans’ second XI.  The hapless Giants kicked three goals and got smashed by over 100 points.

Wow. Furthermore, according to ABC’s Offsiders program, the NSW Government spent $45 million redeveloping a stadium which will play host to the team. 

Continue reading "Homelessness needs a football facelift" »

Wouldn’t it be a wondrous thing if we were all treated like sports stars? Adored, spoiled and treated like gods with a sense of entitlement that knows no bounds.

Never having to pay for a drink or stand in a queue, paid squillions to do what we love, nubile young things throwing themselves at us, wives willing to turn a blind eye and fans eager to defend us to the death no matter how impertinent or obnoxious we behave. Indeed any act of arseclownery is tolerated as long as we perform on the field.

Even if we descend into criminal behaviour, our extensive support network is there to catch us and the ever indulgent public is always eager to give us yet another chance. No behavior, no matter how abhorrent and criminal is going to see us robbed of the opportunity to redeem ourselves.

Continue reading "One rule for sports stars, another for us mere mortals" »

Memo to the AFL: ban these racist pigs for life. There you go, problem solved. Surely it can’t be that difficult.

This is a serious issue that is very close to my heart. As a victim of racial abuse over many years, I can’t hold my tongue any longer. I have also been in the unfortunate position of being abused while at the footy. My crime? Barracking for my team.

Just when we thought our governing body was getting a grip on these ugly and unintelligent slurs, a couple of ignorant imbeciles, one at an AFL game, the other at the VFL (not for the first time this year mind you) decided it might be a good idea to voice their racist views and sour what was otherwise a couple of great games.

Continue reading "Banish all racists from the AFL. For life." »

Rugby league convert Karmichael Hunt kicked this absolutely beauty from outside 50 last night, his first goal in AFL footy. The Twittersphere went into meltdown as the Suns led the unbeaten Cats 62-51 at halftime, before sanity, and the Cats, prevailed.

There’s a good argument that Adam Goodes’ close range goal in the fourth term of the Swans/Kangas match, after Lewis Jetta’s brilliant sideline dash, was a far worthier contender for Goal of the Day. The Swans wouldn’t have snuck a one point win without it either.

There’s an equally good argument that the author of this brief report is a tosser, for having mercilessly bagged both the Suns and their creator-on-high, Lord Demetriou, a few weeks back.

For now, let’s celebrate a good night’s entertainment from Karm and the Suns in their home venue of Emoticon Stadium, or whatever it’s called. By the way, did anyone else think the Cats players were less than warm in their embrace of Gary Ablett after the game?

Continue reading "Goal of the season!" »

Sport’s weird, we all know that. In sport, men get paid to sit on benches and square enclosures are called rings. That’s just kooky. But something ultra, ultra weird has crept into Australian sport lately. I refer to the gratuitous apology.

On Monday, Western Bulldogs president David Smorgon took the bizarre step of apologising to fans and members for his team’s 123 point weekend shellacking at the hands of the West Coast Eagles – the club’s fourth worst loss in club history.

As extraordinary as this measure appears, it was not unprecedented. Hawthorn boss Jeff Kennett spent half of 2009 season apologising for the defending premiers’ woeful form. If only the nurses and teachers he sacked as premier were afforded such civility. Meanwhile, in Sydney last week, the NSW Waratahs Super 15 rugby team submitted themselves to the mother of all grovelling acts…

Continue reading "A sorry tale of grovelling sporting teams" »

What a victory for AFL in Sydney, hey? Over 33,000 flood the SCG to see the Swans play Hawthorn, while next door at the Sydney Football Stadium, a crowd of, ahem, 10,000 witnessed the NRL snooze fest between the Roosters and the Knights. A colourful SCG against a stadium in funereal military blue.

That story is all over the papers. That story is easy. Lazy too.

It’s also burying the lead.

Continue reading "The Swans are getting slaughtered on television" »

If you thought one win against the lowly Kangaroos was enough to keep the wolves from the door, think again.

Michael Voss, the Brisbane Lions favourite and most decorated son has found himself standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down and wondering when he’s going to feel the hand of power pushing him in the back.

In this, his third year at the helm, he stands accused of systematically bringing the football club he served with such distinction as a player and captain to its knees with some of the most arrogant and ill informed decision making we have seen from an AFL senior coach.

Continue reading "Voss’s losses are proof there are better bosses" »

Righto, so when you sift the weekend’s sport through the fine strainer, there were pretty much only two big stories.

In the AFL, the Cats beat the Pies in a see-sawing battle played in teeth-chattering, Antarctic conditions on Friday night at the MCG. Teeth-chattering for the Geelong fans anyway. More like gum-chattering for the Collingwood fans.

In the NRL, there were upsets galore. The bottom team beat the second top team, while the second bottom team beat the third team. Why does this never happen in the AFL? Why is league more unpredictable? And will anyone ever beat superhorse Black Caviar? Ah, conundrums, conundrums…

Continue reading "Stuff all this other crap, let’s talk about the footy" »

For all the early season dominance of the Magpies and Cats, and the ineptitude of the Suns, Lions and Power, there’s an even bigger AFL story this year. It’s the resurgence of James Hird’s Bombers, who currently sit fifth on the AFL ladder

Hird, of course, is the former Brownlow medallist and premiership skipper who replaced the inept Matthew Knights as Bombers coach for season 2011. Hird has undoubted football nous, but that’s only half the reason his team is playing so well.

There is a force at work this season which is more influential than Hird’s brilliant football brain. It’s a force which propelled Hird to greatness in his playing career and which continues to serves him well today…

Continue reading "The reason Essendon are looking so good this year" »

It’ll be Moet & Chandon all round at AFL House tonight. In a deal which consolidates its position as Australia’s premier winter sporting code, the AFL has just announced a $1.253 billion dollar TV rights deal from 2012 to 2016. It’s far and away the largest sport rights deal in Australian history.

The five year deal will see Channel Seven televise four games per week. Seven will also retain exclusive rights to the AFL grand final, and pre-season Cup grand final, while Fox Sports will screen all eight weekly games live, including the games shown on Seven.

This is a major return to AFL for the pay TV broadcaster, which has also grabbed the high-rating Brownlow medal night coverage from Seven. Fox will also revive a dedicated AFL channel. Its last such channel, the Fox Footy Channel, turned its toes up after the 2006 grand final.

Continue reading "How should the AFL spend its billion dollar war chest?" »

Three weeks ago, in a bitter and premature rant, The Punch ran a story entitled The Suns’ Humiliation is Demetriou’s Humiliation.

The basic premise of the piece was that this hapless bunch of newbies, whose jumpers look like hot dog franks dipped in mustard, would not win a game until Christmas. As in, Christmas 2017. Not only were they an embarrassment to themselves, we argued, but a dagger in the heart of AFL supremo Andrew Demetriou’s expansionist dreams.

How very short-sighted of us. In light of the Suns’ remarkable win over Port Adelaide on the weekend, it is time to man up and admit we were wrong. To be even more accurate, I was wrong. About the Gold Coast. But not about expansion

Continue reading "Expansionist dream in tatters, despite Suns’ heroics" »

Just like that, the St Kilda scandal engulfed another victim.

On Channel 7’s Sunday Night was a much-hyped interview with Kim’s parents. Kim being the 17-year-old at the centre of the St Kilda scandal. Parents Tony and Susan went on television and spoke of their horror at being called “bad parents”, the death threats levelled against them, and their fears for the safety of their younger daughter, who is just 10.

Then there’s a gratuitous shot of Kim jogging through a park with her little sister. So now everyone knows what this young girl, who is arguably the only innocent one in the whole sordid mess, looks like.

Continue reading "St Kilda scandal: Guilty parents, an innocent child" »

Karmichael Hunt was in good form on Twitter in the leadup to his AFL debut on Saturday night. On Tuesday, after a Punch team member tweeted how sick they were of the “ringing endorsements” for a bloke who hadn’t yet played an actual game, the former rugby league star tweeted back “LOL”.

Yes, even Hunt himself was sick of the hype around him. But nowhere near as sick as he must have felt on Sunday morning, after his AFL new boys the Gold Coast Suns were spanked by 119 points by mid-range premiership contender Carlton.

Usually, it’s foolish to write off any team after a first round shellacking. Not this rabble. Perhaps they should recruit a meter maid or two. Maybe someone should call Scott Muller, he of cricket’s “can’t bowl, can’t throw” scandal. At least his skill set would be on a par with his team-mates, most of whom can’t kick, can’t mark and pretty much can’t do anything.

Continue reading "The Suns’ humiliation is Demetriou’s humiliation" »

Injuries won’t be stopped in football. Can’t. What can be stopped is the endless supply of car-crash type atrocities rammed down our throats for days on end.

It can be stopped right now. Can you remember a weekend so horrific?

The gory scene of Geelong’s Joel Selwood, body limp, arm stiff and blood trickling out of the side of his mouth, was a Pink Floyd song away from being a Scorsese movie.

Continue reading "Gruesome footy footage is hardly family friendly" »

The biggest donkey-licking of the weekend wasn’t in New South Wales politics. It was at Melbourne’s Moonee Valley racecourse, where unbeaten mare Black Caviar went so fast it would have outpaced Mark Webber’s Red Bull. Actually, Melbourne trams go faster than Webber’s Red Bull. Anyway, you get the point.

Horse racing doesn’t get much of a run in the sports pages outside of Melbourne’s spring carnival, but with 11 wins from 11 starts, Black Caviar is already fit to graze in Phar Lap and Makybe Diva’s paddock, and has probably even earned the right to eat the nice green grass in the shady corner. Check her performance a few weeks back in the time-honoured Newmarket Handicap. Wow. She never got out of second gear.

Ratings experts, who produce a formula which no one seriously pretends to understand, upgraded Black Caviar to 135 after that win, which is a statistical way of saying she deserves a speeding ticket. Rival trainers know this, and are now avoiding her. That’s why racing authorities offered prize money of $10,000 down to eighth place on Friday night, in a desperate attempt to attract a decent-sized field.

Continue reading "Sports wrap: The fast black horse, the great white hopes" »

Can a football team change a town? Can sport become a symbol of renewal, and give a community a sense of optimism and purpose?

Elitists who regard sport as a mindless pursuit would scoff at the suggestion. They would probably hold that the only change a football team can make to a town is to pollute people’s brains with useless trivia, distract them from pressing social realities, and eat into valuable self-improvement and family time.

The 20-year history of the Adelaide Crows – sorry, the mighty Adelaide Crows – provides a compelling counterpoint to those who would dismiss sport as frivolous or meaningless.

Continue reading "How a football club helped change a city" »

The most remarkable Brendan Fevola-related fact, shocking as it is, is not that he made a clumsy, desperate, albeit half-hearted attempt at suicide after a domestic spat and “three or four bottles of wine”, as revealed at around the three minute mark of his interview on the AFL Footy Show last night.

Neither is it that he was turfed out of Crown Casino yesterday for playing poker, despite the fact he is, supposedly, a recovering gambling addict who once lost $365,000 in a day and who admits he had been visited by tough guy debt collectors.

No, the really surprising thing about the special, warped little corner of the universe reserved for all things Brendan Fevola, is that Fevola is now the subject of enormous public sympathy, if the twittersphere and many other more traditional media outlets are to be believed.

Continue reading "Silly season turns to sympathy season for Fevola" »

Phew. We made it through summer. The AFL and NRL seasons are upon us again. Last year, we got all religious with our 10 commandments of footy tipping. This year, we’re sexing things up a little.

What, you think we’re kidding? You think we don’t actually believe that football season is better than sex? Read on… and feel free to tell us why we’re wrong, or to add your reasons to the list.

Also, at the risk of breaking our own rule of going easy on the Caps Lock button, DON’T FORGET PUNCH TIPPING. The AFL code is 892748. Join up here. The NRL code is 173047. Join up here. On to the list then…

Continue reading "12 reasons football season is better than sex" »

Teenagers are idiots, most of the time. They do incredibly stupid things. Hormones, drugs, alcohol, and a not-yet fully formed idea of their actions’ consequences means they screw up. A lot.

So, there’s this 17-year-old girl with a lot to say about the AFL. About sex and older men and power and betrayal. She may have won Ricky Nixon’s scalp - there is speculation he is now stepping down after confessing to “inappropriate dealings” with her.

On paper, this is a great story of the little guy (girl) standing up to the big bully boy. In reality it’s a teenager. A teenager who has now outed herself – or been outed – on 60 Minutes. There are reports she was paid a five-figure sum. Which isn’t really that much, when you think about it.

Continue reading "AFL scandal girl’s an idiot. Because she’s a teenager" »

From the very second those stolen/borrowed nudie rompin’ footballer photos were released, the “St Kilda schoolgirl story” has had me biting my tongue.

I bit down through the girl’s distribution of those handwritten “Women’s Rights” and “Fight the Power” flyers at the training session. Bit down a little more watching her YouTube testimonials. And while reading her Tweets. And her blog. And I bit down a whole lot more through her drip-drip video releases.

I bit down because biting down is exactly what’s expected of me. Women just aren’t supposed to criticise other women. Least of all not 17-year-old girls.

Continue reading "Women can critique each other without a catfight" »

The trouble with schadenfreude – apart from that fact that it is a hard word to spell, and using it pegs you as a bit of a showpony - is that it has a nasty habit of coming back to bite you on the bum.

It’s actually a pretty nifty term, a German word for which there is no English equivalent, meaning to take pleasure in the misfortune of others.

The AFL is currently suffering the unpleasant after-effects of years of gleeful schadenfreude, particularly towards those once-unmatchable boofheads within the National Rugby League.

Continue reading "Cocky AFL gets its come-uppance" »

It is part of every reporter’s mandatory training that any time a scandal erupts you have to put the word ``gate’’ after it.

Thus we have had Utegate, Wheatgate, Monkeygate and Wormgate, just to name a few.

Indeed according to Wikipedia—which is also part of every reporter’s mandatory training—Australia accounts for no fewer than six of the official ``gate’’ scandals, more than holding its own among tough competition from Camillagate, Nipplegate and Whitewatergate.

Continue reading "Nixongate in the Hotelgate with the Schoolgate Girlgate" »

Melbourne has a particular view of itself. You know what I mean – pretty, arty girls in cheese-cloth skirts running around after giant balls of string. All those laneway bars populated by smart people wearing Ted Bakers. Big sporting events and, of course, a footy code that’s so much more sophisticated than the one the “mungos” play north of the border.

Well, Melbourne’s image is a tad tarnished this morning folks. Just like that big ball of wool, it’s been unravelling for a while. The conga-line of AFL scandals is nothing new to league fans – we’ve been enduring them for years – but you do wonder how it’s going to be taken by the horn-rims-and-Converse crowd in St Kilda.

The extraordinary thing is that the most damage has been done with a man wearing a tight perm.

Continue reading "So who’s the screwed up code now, eh?" »

As Lainie Anderson wrote in this piece yesterday, it’s wrong for anyone, let alone the likes of Peter Costello, to cast aspersions on the character of all footballers based on a few sporadic incidents. Because really, when you’re dealing with up to 1,000 blokes between 18 and 32, a bit of Tony Abbott’s favourite phrase is going to happen from time to time.

But this stuff with The Girl at the heart of the St Kilda facebook pictures scandal, and her allegations about big time player agent Ricky Nixon is a bad business. This is some seriously low rent theatre we’re watching now.

Let’s start with the girl first. The 17 year old schoolgirl, who cannot be identified for legal reasons, first came in contact with St Kilda players who visited her school on a footy clinic.

Continue reading "Grubby & grubbier: The sad girl and the wayward agent" »

Something about the Warne/Hurley tryst got right up Peter Costello’s nose last week.

In a rant that first bagged Warne and then slagged the self interest of elite sportsmen, the former Australian Treasurer ultimately suggested that parents should fear AFL-run sports clinics.

“Any right-thinking parent would quake with fear to hear that footballers were coming to their daughter’s school to give a little bit of inspiration,” he wrote.

Now, in the past I’ve been quick to skewer wayward sports stars. But to tar all AFL footballers with a single brush is akin to suggesting all politicians are rednecks because a few on the Right like to parrot the policies of One Nation.

Continue reading "Don’t tar and feather all AFL players" »

St Kilda, you’ve done it again. After escaping to New Zealand to train in peace after the shocking, dragged-out nude photo-schoolgirl scandal, a group of Saints have disgraced themselves.

Alcohol, drugs and late nights are often on the agenda of young people wanting to have fun. It acts as a form of escapism, as the youths unwittingly rebel against strict team rules, in the case of the four St Kilda bad boys. They’ve been like naughty boys on school camp, rather than a bunch of committed, professional athletes.

What was Zac Dawson thinking? After being caught in an embarrassing photo with a fully naked Nick Reiwoldt (Dawson’s skipper, mind you), Dawson, 24, got up to strife with three younger players - Rhys Stanley, Jack Steven and Paul Cahill. The players have been disciplined, including a six-week ban and a hefty fine each - but they have dented their reputations.

Continue reading "Exorcising the devil in the Saints" »

An exhaustive survey of Aussie Rules fans by Melbourne’s Herald-Sun found that dumped football commentator Kelli Underwood was regarded as the most annoying caller on television by 39.5 per cent of respondents.

The survey could show two things. It could show that 39.5 per cent of people surveyed are football purists with legitimate concerns over Underwood’s grasp of the game.

Conversely, it could show that 39.5 per cent of respondents are sexist dropkicks who think footy is a man’s game and that girls should stick to talking about cosmetics and recipes.

Continue reading "One thing Kelli Underwood lacks as a footy commentator" »

Who is the real victim in the AFL nude scandal case? The 17-year-old girl who alleges she slept with a star AFL player and then was dumped and ignored by his club?

Or the other footballers who have been publicly humiliated after homoerotic images of their post-season bonding flooded the net? What makes this scandal problematic is that the young woman’s aggressive, clumsy attempts to exact highly publcised retaliation have left us struggling to identify who is the victim in this grubby scenario.

Both sides in this case are making blatant public grabs to claim the moral high ground and the public’s sympathy, but both have opened themselves up to voracious public condemnation for their behaviour.

Continue reading "Playing the media can be a dangerous game" »

Do you ever feel as if you’ve fallen asleep and woken up to a whole new world order? As if society’s moral compass has shifted while you’ve had your back turned for five minutes?

Let’s take yesterday’s AFL nude photo scandal as a jumping off point (as distinct from the AFL Grand Final rape allegation scandal, or the various NRL sexual assault scandals that have otherwise unfurled this year). I’m talking about the scandal that has seen nude photos of St Kilda captain Nick Riewoldt and his teammates Zac Dawson and Nick Dal Santo, apparently taken by a fellow Saint, plastered all over the world wide web.

What I find myself wondering is the following: When did the team-building process expand to the practice of photographing your fellow players in the altogether?

Continue reading "Ignoring the homoerotic elephant in the locker room" »

In so many ways it looks familiar. Players lining up for their turn to lead, mark the ball, and pass to their team mate leading in the opposite direction. It is the quintessential footy drill.

But with the familiarity comes two big differences. First, despite this being Australian Rules we were not in Australia. And second, every sprinting player left a cloud of dust rising in his wake.

Nauru is a footy mad nation and the Linkbelt Oval is its home of footy. It is the MCG. It may also be the most unique ground in the world of AFL. It is not a field of grass. Rather, footy is played on soft phosphate looking dirt which sits upon a base of coral rock.

Continue reading "The power of sport to cross cultural divides" »

In a little under two weeks, at 2am on December 3, FIFA will announce the nations that will host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups and hopefully all of Frank Lowy’s work will come to fruition.

But I know not everyone feels the same way. It seems Australia is split on the possibility of the world’s biggest sporting event making its way Down Under.

The majority are behind it and would love to have another international showcase, but there are two other camps – those crossing their fingers that Australia doesn’t win, and those simply shrugging their shoulders and saying, “Meh.”

Continue reading "Do we actually want the World Cup?" »

The Magpies’ 20-year premiership drought is over. Collingwood players were soaking up the sweetest feeling in AFL today after their 56-point annihilation of St Kilda in the Grand Final replay.

The nervous tension expended in last week’s draw proved to help the Magpies. Today they moved with confidence and precision.

The Pies blew away their cobwebs in last week’s draw. It proved a blessing in disguise as the Pies finally executed on their game plan.

Continue reading "So long, Colliwobbles" »

What a weekend of football we have ahead of us!

On the ABC’s Offsiders program (26/9), the sports commentator, Roy Masters, made comments about how the AFL grand final was a sign of sport’s contribution to the harmony of society; and that governments should recognise this in their continued sport funding.

Mr Masters’ claim seems true; and it is no doubt the reason that Australian governments (and governments around the world) pour money into sports stadiums, World Cups, Olympics, training programs, and more.

Continue reading "Is sport just triumphant tribalism?" »

AFL Grand Final Day is a great day.

For supporters of the two teams that make it to the big dance, there’s nothing like the week of expectation and edge of the seat excitement. 

The teams are named, the Grand Final parade rolls through Melbourne, there’s one more sleepless night…then the siren sounds and it’s on!

Continue reading "AFL Grand Final - the ultimate blokes’ leave pass" »

He’s gone. Over the course of the season the inevitability of it has been crushing. Now it has happened.

In recent times, each day as I have held my two poodles “Gary” and “Ablett” I have wondered what I will do if and when the day comes. If you can’t teach an old dog new tricks then how on earth can you change his name?

Gary, the older of the pair, has maintained a calm demeanour born of the knowledge that he is named after Gary Snr: an Ablett who will be always only associated with one club.

Continue reading "Gary is just fine but Ablett is chasing his tail" »

It’s the day Cats fans have been dreading all year: their favorite son, Gary Ablett, will sign a deal to become a Sun. A Gold Goast Sun.

If you were offered $9.5 million over five years, would you take it? Would you leave the club that has made you what you are today?

If you were offered a once-in-a-lifetime deal that would shape a life of luxury, security and comfort for your family, would you take it?

Continue reading "Gary Ablett and the end of club loyalty" »

On the eve of the AFL Grand Final, I wrote just two words. Colliwobble Day.

It wasn’t a deliberate curse – I was simply acting on a sickly feeling that the Magpies might kind of wobble.

My instincts proved right, when the Pies died in the second half of their Grand Final showdown against the Saints. It’s scary, when you feel those Colliwobbles invading the hallowed turf once more.

Continue reading "What the hell was that? The big AFL let-down" »

Collingwood are into a Grand Final.

If you’re a Collingwood supporter, read that line again, and let it sink in. If you’re not a Collingwood supporter, read that line again, and suck it up. 

The lot of you have grown more obnoxious and annoying than anything our supporters could dish up. Nearly 40,000 people have joined some nonsense Facebook event: “The Day Collingwood Choke”. Their M.O.? “Collingwood are shit and we hate you.”

Continue reading "A considered rebuttal from a Pies fan: go and get stuffed" »

After months of uncertainty last week had about it a sense of clarity.

With all the incessant talk about the rise of Collingwood, Geelong was finally going to set this season right. The undisputed heavyweight champions were going to teach the Pies a lesson about finals footy.

We all knew Travis Cloke couldn’t kick. Didak hangs up his boots at the end of August. Not even Dane Swan could carry a team by himself in the heat of a Prelim. Stacked up against 14 All-Australians in a team which had reached the mountain top twice in the last three years, Collingwood had no hope.

Continue reading "A Cats fan concedes it’s the changing of the guard" »

Make no mistake - the mighty Collingwood Magpies are due.

They are ready to build on the lessons of a near-flawless 2010 season and a gallant defeat in this Saturday’s Grand Final by going one better in 2011. If there is one thing this team has mastered over more than a century, it is the ability to bounce back from a grand final defeat. With another grand final defeat.

Today, as a special tribute to the Pies, The Punch offers its readers this FREE downloadable slightly glossy poster commemorating Collingwood’s 24 extraordinary losing grand final appearances.

Continue reading "Go Pies! The Punch tribute to 109 years of almost winning" »

The invitation came via email.  “Join The Punch mini-league.  It’ll be fun”.  As usual, they left it so late that the NRL league didn’t start until week 2 of the season but we got the AFL comp underway in time. 

I was already in a couple of other tipping comps but they’re all online these days so what difference does a few extra mouse clicks make on a Friday morning?

Anyway, I started pretty strongly, took the lead by mid-season and was lucky enough to hang on to it for the rest of the season.  My prize?  Turns out it was to write a piece on how I did it.  It’s a bit like winning “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” and finding out the prize is getting to do something “a little special” with Drew Carey. So, this is how I did it, or how I think I did it, or the approach I took, or some Zen-like sounding thing to cover up the fact that anyone who wins a tipping comp jags it.

Continue reading "How to win a footy tipping competition" »

Another week in the A-League, another drubbing for the attendance figures. I tuned in to the Gold Coast-Mariners game on Monday and thought Fox Sports had actually started adding canned crowds to their coverage.

I’m not here to beat up the A-League – I have to make a living out of and there’s enough people doing it already – but the Gold Coast attendance of 2037 is appalling. This club is a known basketcase and has never had much of a crowd but it was the same across the league. Why don’t football fans turn up?

Let’s get the obvious reason out the way: its finals time for the two big codes, and they’re sucking up every possible sports fan, second of airtime and dollar that exists.

Continue reading "Why is nobody going to watch the A-League?" »

Magpie fans ... get ready for the time of your lives. The Collingwood football machine is on the verge of breaking its 20-year premiership drought and we’re going to witness one giant party in good ‘ol Melbourne town.

After ruling the MCG’s hallowed turf on Friday night against Geelong, the Magpies are red hot and on their way to winning the AFL’s biggest prize this Saturday.

The Magpies have just two hurdles to overcome in their bid to secure their first flag since 1990.

Continue reading "The year to banish the Colliwobbles forever" »

Found: the real Julia Gillard, in a column she has written today for the Herald Sun about why she loves the Western Bulldogs.

You can sense the PM’s emotional investment in it. “The Herald Sun has asked me why I love the Dogs, but that is a near-impossible task within the word limit I’ve been set,” she writes. “Our club’s enduring heritage as sons of the ‘scray is unmistakable - the colours, the song, the mascot and the initials FFC on the jumper at the nape of the neck remind us of our club’s proud past as Footscray.” Alongside there’s the Victorian Premier, John Brumby, talking about why he loves Collingwood (insert your witty choking comment here).

There are only two weeks of September remaining before we reach the sporting tundra of October. Last year on The Punch Luke Mcilveen wrote about the devastation this barren month can bring. I recommend reading the whole piece as a spur to enjoying the climactic weeks of sporting action ahead before we all wake up on a Monday and realise the next thing on the domestic calendar is the racing, which isn’t so much about sport as it is about tie colours and the latest trends in hats.

Continue reading "Follow the PM and pen a tribute to your team" »

It’s going to be a ferocious war zone on the MCG’s hallowed turf this Friday night.

The Magpies are fired up to punch nails in the Cats’ coffin in their preliminary final blockbuster.
But the Magpies must achieve three targets – beating midfielders Gary Ablett, Jimmy Bartel and co. in the central war zone, shaking off their goal-kicking yips to win on the scoreboard and destroying the demons that have haunted them for decades, the Colliwobbles.

Continue reading "Magpies and Cats ready for war on the hallowed turf" »

Great news! This article is 73 per cent more coherent than anything ever written on this website, and all because I’m wearing a small, elastic thingy on my wrist.

Granted, it’s not one of the $60 Power Balance powerbands that sports stars like Andrew Bogut and Nick Riewoldt and Benji Marshall are all suddenly wearing. It’s actually just a purple rubber band from the asparagus I chopped this morning while pre-preparing tonight’s stir fry.

But that’s doesn’t matter. Point is, I’m wearing the purple band and it feels absolutely terrific. Amazing things are happening, as my body’s natural energy field whirls me into a phantasmic flurry of super-performance.

Continue reading "Little rubber band gives my journalism extra balance" »

Brendan Fevola is one of those blokes who quite literally has trouble as his middle name.

If it’s not a phone text scandal over model Lara Bingle, it’s something just as bad, like an allegation of indecent exposure.

After the Lions suspended Fev today, there are serious questions about the bad boy’s future.

Continue reading "Has Fevola finally destroyed his AFL career?" »

THE Magpies are raging flag favourites, thanks to the Hawks fuelling their hunger on the eve of the AFL finals.

The Pies’ stinging loss to the Hawks in round 22 hurt like hell. Collingwood’s flat spot, on the eve of the finals, could prove to be the catalyst in their quest for the premiership.

The Hawthorn loss was the fuel the Magpies needed to brush off their famed losing mentality.

Continue reading "Hawk Heimlich solution to the Collingwood choke" »

It’s the wild day of the AFL calendar – Mad Monday – and there’s a BEN-DER alert on those party animals, the Tigers.

After Richmond farewelled Ben Cousins yesterday, the players will pump up the celebrations on Mad Monday.

It was a brave last AFL game for Cousins, who racked up 21 touches while playing with a bung hamstring.

Continue reading "Cousins’ toughest task will be Mad Monday" »

“Ben Cousins makes me want to take ice,” was the declaration of one punter into the twitterverse.

Others commented that if coke helped you get a body that ripped, it was time to get snorting.

Cousins said in the introduction of his doco Such is Life that he wanted to “send a powerful message to young people, for that matter all people, about the way drugs affect your life”.

Continue reading "The next Cousins instalment better include some remorse" »

The chapter has ended. The super-cut frame of Richmond star Ben Cousins won’t grace the AFL’s gladiatorial arena ever again.

The recovering drug addict will announce his retirement at 10.15am today. It’s a wise move, as Cousins has fought his demons for two years since returning to the AFL as a Tiger.

As an Eagle, Cousins was invincible. A Brownlow medallist. A West Coast premiership captain. He had looks and a body to die for. Confidence – even a smug arrogance. But as a confessed sufferer of an “addictive personality”, Cousins would always battle long-term after his comeback.

Continue reading "Drug-troubled Cousins quits footy at the right time" »

When Hawthorn looked like crashing out of the finals, former Victorian Premier Jeff Kennett came to the rescue.

Kennett, the Hawks’ president, didn’t flinch when he gave the Hawks players and coach Alastair Clarkson a giant kick up the butt last week. His strong criticism gave the media plenty to fuel in the lead-up to the Hawks’ do-or-die match against Melbourne.

Captain Sam Mitchell defended his Hawks teammates and an “outcoached”  Clarkson after their pitiful loss to the Sydney Swans, while former Hawk star Shane Crawford hit out at Kennett.

Continue reading "Hawks: nothing motivates like a kick up the bum" »

“Rocket” Rodney Eade would be proud of the tactics being used right on the siren by our Western Bulldogs-loving prime minister.

Eade, a former coach of the Sydney Swans and now at the helm with Julia Gillard’s club Footscray, was one of the football strategists of the late 80s and early 90s who pioneered the controversial tactic known as flooding.

The tactic works like this – if you’re narrowly in front with a few minutes to go, don’t take the risk of trying to score, rather get all of your forwards to play up back so that there’s 18 men “flooding” the opposition forward line to dominate possession.

Continue reading "Julia floods the forward line" »

Collingwood’s 22-point win over Geelong in its top-of-the-table blockbuster revealed that the young Magpies have come of age.

Like a fine wine, matured with care over time, the red-hot Magpies are playing with greater intensity, using their running brigade to boot a string of goals.

Earlier this year, I said Collingwood couldn’t win the premiership because they lacked goal-scoring power and big marking forwards.

Continue reading "Young Magpies come of age in quest for premiership" »

Well, it’s official. Footballers are processed meat. Anyone who dares add a touch of spice must be eliminated and buried deeper than toxic waste.

If you haven’t yet caught the news, Brownlow medallist and triple premiership player Jason Akermanis has been sacked from his second club, the Western Bulldogs. This, remember, is the club that opened its arms to Big Bad Barry Hall, so you’d assume they’re prepared to give guys something approaching a long leash.

But no. Today, they’ve decided enough is enough. Seeya Aker. Don’t forget to take your ego on the way out.

Continue reading "Sackermanis: Cast out for being different" »

Poor old Alvin Quah got eliminated from Masterchef last night after mucking up a cake he said you’d need a PhD to know how to cook.

I’m not sure at the bottom of which cornflake box you’d find such a qualification, but as much as I liked Alvin, and was sorry to see him go, I have to say, don’t be such a baby. What Alvin (after all this time seeing him every night I feel I can call him Alvin) said was:

Short of them making the contestants cook under water next year, I really don’t know what they’re going to do. It’s mad - they put us through the ringer. Can you imagine anything more difficult than what we went through in this series? I can’t.

Continue reading "Election-Free Zone: Is Masterchef too hard?" »

Ever since Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse got into strife after allegedly calling Saint Stephen Milne a “f***ing rapist”, the Magpies have done everything they can to earn their stripes.

The Woods’ victory over St Kilda on Saturday confirmed they are in the hunt for the AFL flag after claiming top spot on the premiership ladder.
The Woods were desperate to gain the upper hand over the Saints and show their authority after their April 9 horror game, in which AFL’s “role models” stooped to a new low following the ugly Malthouse-Milne exchange.

Continue reading "Can Collingwood actually win a premiership?" »

Anyone with a few cells of sporting spirit in their body feel them tingling with rage at how Melbourne Storm officials conducted themselves in breaching the salary cap by an obscene $3.17 million.

When the Storm was steamrolling teams week after week in the NRL, it wasn’t just because they had good players, or were well coached. It was because they were being run by a small group of cheats with no respect for the simple principle of fair play.

This group of five managers identified at the centre of the rort indulged the worst of the morally bankrupt philosophy of winning at any cost that is increasingly a feature of professional sports, not just NRL.

Continue reading "Sporting bosses who betray fans and fair play" »

Even if you take the Richmond Football Club’s explanation at face value, the troubled Ben Cousins’ latest flirtation with disaster proves that he still uses substances as a crutch. And he probably always will.

Following a profile on Cousins in GQ last year, I wrote that he was still in the grip of his addiction and despite all the hype about his new clean image.

He offered a throwaway remark in the interview that he could still “have a few beers” and had learned to “drink differently.” Rubbish.

Continue reading "Ben Cousins should steer clear of pills, even legal ones" »

Just as Prime Minister Julia Gillard swiftly changed the state of the Labor Government, Hawthorn superstar Lance “Buddy” Franklin is having a similar effect, kicking freakish goals to stabilise the Hawks.

Just weeks ago, the Hawks almost wrote themselves off. In May, I wrote on The Punch that Hawthorn’s season appeared to be over, after losing five consecutive games and suffering with a long injury list.

It appeared bleak for the Hawks, who had slipped dramatically from reigning premiers in 2008 to virtual easybeats. After winning the last seven games on the trot, Hawthorn has revived its match-winning powers and are sitting pretty in the top eight.

Continue reading "Who has the power to swing a game?" »

With World Cup fever gripping the globe, a top-ranking FIFA official says he is stunned that Australia’s AFL season continues to thrive.

“It’s as though the masses in Australia’s southern states are oblivious to the fact that the world’s biggest sporting event is now in its cut-throat final phase,” the official told this website.

“Football is the world’s most popular sport, yet still 80,000 fans fill your Melbourne Croquet Ground to watch the strange game of ALF.

Continue reading "Exclusive! FIFA bemused by our AFL obsession" »

As Ben Cousins said this week, it’s a strange position to be in when you feel sympathy for Steven Baker.

When the AFL handed down its War and Peace sized list of charges against Baker this week, you could only feel the little tagger had been made a scapegoat.

There’s no doubt the AFL was correct within the letter of the law when it charged Baker with various counts of striking and “interfering with an injured player”, only it’s a letter that the league had previously ignored. Like the umlaut in Joachim Low’s name.

Continue reading "The AFL, where image trumps consistency" »

Some people dismiss political correctness too easily.

Political correctness, when we are protesting a person being demeaned publicly, is simply about insisting that people pay due respect to others. At one level, it is about insisting on civility. At a deeper level, it is about upholding fundamental values about what it means to be human and to have dignity.

I know that many Australians, and especially in my experience of sports clubs, many Australian men, think that racist comments aren’t racist – they’re just funny.

Continue reading "Racist remarks betray a lack of simple respect" »

Cross-code recruiting of footballers seems to be the new fad in Australian sport.

If sought-after players can run, leap, mark a ball, evade opponents and draw big crowds, they are hot property on the footy code market.If these players show a wiff of interest in switching codes to earn the big bucks, they could be snapped up by emerging teams.

With the Aussie sporting landscape changing, thanks to new AFL teams Gold Coast and Greater Western Sydney (GWS) plus rugby union team Melbourne Rebels, it seems anything goes.

Continue reading "Injuries likely to hurt cross-code recruits" »

I am torn.  There are clearly two sides, and they just can’t seem to get on with each other.

Sometimes I think the fighting must stop, other times I am prepared to back my favourite.

Then there is the issue of the constant expansion! I just don’t understand why it is going ahead in West, Bank(stown).

Continue reading "How do I feel about Israel?" »

So rugby league star Israel Folau has been lured to play a code he’s never played for a team that doesn’t exist yet who’ll play out of a stadium that hasn’t been built yet. Cue all the so-called experts, most of whom follow either rugby league or AFL, but not both codes, to argue why Folau’s switch to team Greater Western Sydney will or won’t work.

Face it, guys. Neither you nor I can say whether Folau’s exceptional leaping skills will work in a pack mark situation. Israel tips the scales at 103 kilos, the same as Barry Hall and Jonathan Brown, but we’re kidding if we think we know whether he’ll cut it as a power forward.

As to whether Folau will be able to master that ungainly AFL skill known as handballing, well, not even Nostradamus would dare take a stab at that one. But there is one guy who’s got a fair idea of what lies ahead for Folau. His name’s Mike Pyke, and he’s the Sydney Swans ruckman who used to play rugby union for Canada.

Continue reading "Israel gets his AFL passport, but will he be a natural?" »

It’s been a turbulent year for the AFL, as it grapples with some of the hottest issues in the public eye. Sex scandals, the homosexuality debate, players caught out with illicit drugs – and major upsets each week on the field.

Match attendances are healthy, newspapers are overloaded with dramatic revelations of off-field disasters and the injury rate has meant some of the younger players are being rested for fear of breakdown.

Let’s talk about sex first. Now that I have your attention, the St Kilda-pregnant teen incident has highlighted the dangers for star footballers, young fans, and the potential disruption to all of their lives.

Continue reading "AFL grapples with sex and drugs and rock and roll" »

Collingwood were on top of the world before Friday, seemingly unstoppable and had the feeling of an AFL premiership coming their way.

The Magpies ruled the AFL last week. But they were brought back to earth with a thud after copping a nasty wake-up call during Friday night’s blockbuster against Geelong.

Described as pretenders after their 36-point loss to the Cats, Collingwood simply didn’t have the goal-scoring power to match Geelong.

Continue reading "Why Collingwood can’t win it" »

As football players and people go Jason Akermanis is a pretty interesting guy.

The fact that he was motivated to write his Herald Sun column today about gay AFL players, demonstrates a depth of thinking a step above the usual “why the boys will be sticking it to Carlton this week” kind of columns that most players usually muster.

But as far as Aker’s argument goes, that AFL players should stay firmly in the closet, I’m not sure that his logic adds up.

Continue reading "Don’t ask, don’t tell Aker" »

Recreational drugs will always follow athletes who have too much disposable income and too much time on their hands. The consequences have been devastating, as AFL players like Ben Cousins and Mathew Stokes know all too well.

Last week the AFL revealed that 14 players tested positive to illicit drugs last year. The drugs detected included cocaine, ice and ecstasy – known party drugs.

The drug test results generated massive online debate and according to a Herald Sun online poll, 76 per cent of people believe footballers who test positive should be named and shamed.

Continue reading "Illicit drugs + disposable income = athletes in strife" »

For some AFL clubs, the year is over. As the injury list grows a number of clubs will be scratching together new-look teams with some of their A-list players sitting on the sidelines.

More than 100 AFL players are out of action so far this year. There have been seven AFL rounds played.

The unprecedented pace of the sport will leave players crippled, unless the AFL intervenes to change the competition’s structure,  ultimately making it more player-friendly.

Continue reading "A bigger AFL league is a risk to its players" »

The AFL, that over-officious sporting body which struts its self-importance like a hired goon from Underbelly, has gone completely power mad, imposing ruthless penalties on officials who placed some of the world’s smallest bets.

Get this. AFL Timekeeper Matthew Hollington has been stood down for five weeks for placing a $5 bet on an AFL game in 2009, when he was a trainee timekeeper.

AFL interchange steward John Wise has been booted out for the remainder of season 2010 for placing $9 worth of bets in the 2009 season, all in $1 and $2 denominations.

Continue reading "Heavy-handed AFL loses the plot over betting officials" »

Having Mick Malthouse as your coach is like being punished for a crime you haven’t committed. Malthouse is small-minded, bad-tempered, lacks discipline and shirks responsibility. He’s quite unpleasant.

Now we know that he is a liar, and that’s a problem, because lying isn’t a mistake you make, it’s a character flaw.

It is yet another pointy arrow in Malthouse’s quiver of shortcomings, joining his over-sensitivity, profanity and lack of courage.

Continue reading "Mick’s Churchill pretensions are just pie in the sky" »

There’s been nothing more inspiring this week than seeing Melbourne president and cancer fighter Jimmy Stynes cheer on his Dees in their 55-point win over Richmond yesterday.

Stynes recently had five tumours removed from his brain, just days before the Dees’ first win against Adelaide last Sunday.

Stynes’ delicate brain surgery required 40 staples in the back of his head. He has been very sick but he keeps bouncing back, showing his amazing strength of character and inspiring everyone around him.

Continue reading "Turning a nightmare into a dream" »

Our national enthusiasm for deifying and excusing flawed sports stars was demonstrated again this week with Ben Cousins being afforded hero status for manfully accepting a one-week ban over his role in a fracas with a group of Richmond teammates at a Sydney hotel last weekend.

The discussion surrounding the incident – in which Cousins’ role was very limited and, up to a point, defensible – reveals a major problem with the way this troubled footballing champion’s battle with drugs and alcohol is being addressed.

It is this – the people who are ostensibly supporting Cousins still seem more worried about keeping him on the park, than keeping him away from the very environment which could drag him back into the world of drug abuse.

Continue reading "A footy club is the worst possible place for Cousins" »

The AFL and its clubs have had no shortage of moral minefields to tip-toe through this year.

From nude photos to boozy cruises to rape charges to senior coaches abusing opposition players to drug trafficking charges, the league has run the gamut of off-field issues. Or, as I like to think of it, they’re a Christmas Day scuffle away from earning their Charlie Sheen Badge.

Two incidents have dominated the airways over the past five days: The tete-a-tete between Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse and St Kilda’s Steven Milne  and Richmond’s late-night hotel ruckus .

Continue reading "Malthouse and Cousins: a tale of two confused clubs" »

The AFL hit rock bottom on Friday night after claims Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse allegedly called Saint forward Stephen Milne a “f***ing rapist” at quarter time.

Milne and his teammate Leigh Montagna was cleared of rape allegations in 2004 following a much-publicised investigation in 2004. The incident shook up the AFL, which has had its fair share of unsavoury revelations amongst its players ever since.

Malthouse is seen on television footage, engaging in a heated exchange with Milne. Magpies assistant coach Paul Licuria also spoke words that were allegedly unpleasant.

Continue reading "Sledging hits a sick new low in the AFL" »

This is my first column for The Adelaide Advertiser since last month’s South Australian election and as such I feel duty bound to reflect on the wash-up from the result. But not for the first time, I’d rather write about footy.

Just to keep the political tragics happy, the shorthand version of the SA poll is that almost one in every 10 voters abandoned their support for Mike Rann because they find him kind of annoying, but he got back anyway because Labor had such a strong majority.

Which brings us to the Adelaide Crows. History shows that when a successful footy club goes bad it can shed around 10 per cent of its membership. Like Labor under Rann, the Adelaide Crows enjoy a comfortable buffer in terms of their support.

Continue reading "What should you do if your footy team is crap?" »

It’s known as the game of hard knocks and the Cats dished them out in big doses against the Hawks at the MCG yesterday.

The heavy-handed tactics served the reigning premiers well. The Cats won a thriller in a rough-and-tumble match, eventually wearing down the Hawks by nine points in the AFL’s Round 2.
It’s a ruthless game and it can often come down to the survival of the fittest. The Cats know that.

Continue reading "Raining cats and knocks as Geelong still leads the pack" »

IT was a bit like the Itchy & Scratchy Show. Brisbane Lions skipper Jonathan Brown was itchy ... itchy for the ball in his AFL Round 1 clash against West Coast.

Brown’s Lions teammate and reigning Coleman medallist Brendan Fevola was scratchy ... scratchy in front of goal.

There was plenty of hype about the Lions’ new dynamic duo during the off-season. Will the Lions’ new-look forward line work, starring Brown and Fev?

Continue reading "AFL Round 1: The Itchy and Scratchy show" »

Anyone who thinks multiculturalism is a flawed concept should take a close look at the Australian winter sporting landscape.

When the days shorten - the summer code has just wrapped up with Sydney FC winning the A-League - sports fans speak different languages, congregate in different churches and worship different gods. Even the ball has a different name. Some call it Sherrin. Others, Steeden. To others still, it is Gilbert.

Such sectarianism would mean all out war in most countries. But here, fans co-exist peacefully. We are separate, yet united, by a common religion called football.

Continue reading "Which is the greatest code?" »

It seems absurd that the lesser football codes - the imported football codes - persist in starting each season by arguing their supremacy on the national sporting stage.

As John Howard memorably stated on the day the CFMEU pulled down all the bollards outside Parliament House and smashed up the souvenir shop, it is both ugly, and un-Australian.

The origins of our one true national code, the great game of Australian Rules Football, remain the subject of conjecture. Some argue that it was invented by a couple of black guys kicking the shit out of a possum. Others argue it evolved naturally when the Aborigines rejected rugby on the grounds that none of them were stockbrokers, rejected league on the basis that they already had enough mindlessly violent initiation rites in their culture, rejected soccer because they didn’t want to spend another 40,000 years dreaming that someone might actually score a goal.

Continue reading "Aussie Rules: The one code to rule them all" »

Here we go. Another footy season, another pointless attempt to instruct trust-fund millionaires and insecure South Australians on the superior qualities of league over union and AFL.

I spent Saturday afternoon on the hill at Henson Park, a hell of a footy ground in the back streets of Sydney’s Marrickville and home to the mighty Newtown Jets. It’s a pure league experience – four bucks for parking, six bucks for admission (kids free) and cans of KB Lager. While the standard isn’t exactly first-class, there are aspects of Henson Park that you just don’t get at the big stadiums.

My favourite part of league is not the collisions or deft plays in attack, but watching a team pull together in adversity. It’s the theatre of watching 13 blokes lift themselves off the deck and put in for each other, regardless of the scoreboard. You see this sometimes in AFL, but almost never in Australian rugby union, where the backs and forwards don’t even train together, which is why the Wallabies will never beat the All Blacks with any regularity.

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