Imagine this new TV advertisement: A gorgeous, shapely young woman is mowing the lawn in the golden summer sunshine. She’s admired by some eager young men who roll a can of Diet Coke down the hill towards her. She stops mowing, and starts drinking the fizzy soft drink.
She gets some of it on her t-shirt so she removes it, revealing a toned midrift and huge rack enclosed in a sexy red bra. She keeps mowing with her top off in soft-focus slow-motion, closely watched by the guys. The soundtrack, of course, is Etta James’ “I just want to make love to you”.
I’ll bet there would be a huge outcry if any soft drink maker dared to make an ad like that these days.
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In 1993, a teenager from Newcastle penned a beautiful, droning grunge anthem with lyrics so garbled and indecipherable, he did the late Kurt Cobain proud.
This was an age before internet lyrics websites. So as far as anyone could tell, the Daniel Johns refrain in the massive Silverchair hit “Tomorrow” went: “yaaaaargle-glargle-blaaa, yaaaaargle-glargle-blaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaah”.
For the record, the lyrics were “very hard hard to drink”. So cut forward almost 20 years, and Johns has penned something even harder to swallow. It’s the new Qantas anthem, and instead of going “yaaaaargle-glargle-blaaa” it kinda goes “ooooh-ooooh aaaaah”.
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I like beer. Beer is easily one of my favourite fizzy alcoholic beverages. Anytime is a good time for beer, but an especially good time for beer is anytime I’m thirsty.
I get thirsty when I play or watch sport, I get thirsty when I’m hot and I get thirsty when I eat delicious salty bar snacks like beef jerky and BBQ-flavoured corn nuts. God I love jerky and corn nuts. But best of all, I like beer.
Taking all of this into account, I am a ridiculously easy sell. All advertisers have to do to make me hit the bottle-o for a six pack of their product is make me thirsty. Simple. So why do so many of them fail?
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