http://www.thepunch.com.au/tags/satire/ Politics, political opinion, world news, sports news and the latest news and views updated live, daily on The Punch - Australia's best conversation. en Copyright 2012 The Punch penberthyd@newsltd.com.au penberthyd@newsltd.com.au Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 Politics, opinion, world news, sports news, latest news, views, Barack Obama, Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Nathan Rees, Malcolm Turnbull, Peter Garrett, Barnaby Joyce, Australian, federal politics, opinion polls, election, The Punch, thepunch, punch ExpressionEngine 1.6.7 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss 15 http://www.thepunch.com.au/images/punch-logo-rss.png http://www.thepunch.com.au/ 144 70 Politics, political opinion, world news, sports news and the latest news and views updated live, daily on The Punch - Australia's best conversation. Search The Punch keywords http://www.thepunch.com.au/search/ http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Washington-reacts-to-news-of-the-thomson-saga/ Gillard: Barack, you are not going to believe what’s going on down under in the 51st state. See, we’ve got this little sleazebag called Craig Thomson… Obama: Tell me more… Gillard: OK, so he’s been in a bit of hot water lately over his credit card and a bunch of hookers and the rest of it. Obama: Sure, I’ve heard of him. And from what I understand, your party actually nominated the guy for election after these allegations came out, right? penberthyd@newsltd.com.au (David Penberthy) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Washington-reacts-to-news-of-the-thomson-saga/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Washington-reacts-to-news-of-the-thomson-saga/#item8562 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not providing her with the necessary tuition and support to get into a law course at an elite university, and so they should. The girl in question, a pouting, willowy petal by the name of Rose Ashton-Weir, boarded at Geelong Grammar in 2008 and 2009 and was clearly neglected to the point of indifference. The school is Prince Charles’s alma mater, and is Victoria’s most expensive secondary institution with annual fees topping $30k, yet evidence was tabled in court yesterday that Ms Ashton-Weir was never once given a silver spoon with which to imbibe her daily Bircher muesli. Further, the school patently failed the young lady by refusing to provide an immaculate gravel pathway lined with lovingly-tended hedges stretching all the way from the doors of its Geelong campus to the nearest sandstone university law school. Quite rightly, the family is outraged. http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/they-must-pay-for-ones-bitter-disappointments/ A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not providing her with the necessary tuition and support to get into a law course at an elite university, and so they should. The girl in question, a pouting, willowy petal by the name of Rose Ashton-Weir, boarded at Geelong Grammar in 2008 and 2009 and was clearly neglected to the point of indifference. The school is Prince Charles’s alma mater, and is Victoria’s most expensive secondary institution with annual fees topping $30k, yet evidence was tabled in court yesterday that Ms Ashton-Weir was never once given a silver spoon with which to imbibe her daily Bircher muesli. Further, the school patently failed the young lady by refusing to provide an immaculate gravel pathway lined with lovingly-tended hedges stretching all the way from the doors of its Geelong campus to the nearest sandstone university law school. Quite rightly, the family is outraged. penberthyd@newsltd.com.au (David Penberthy) Lightweight http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/they-must-pay-for-ones-bitter-disappointments/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/they-must-pay-for-ones-bitter-disappointments/#item8521 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not providing her with the necessary tuition and support to get into a law course at an elite university, and so they should. The girl in question, a pouting, willowy petal by the name of Rose Ashton-Weir, boarded at Geelong Grammar in 2008 and 2009 and was clearly neglected to the point of indifference. The school is Prince Charles’s alma mater, and is Victoria’s most expensive secondary institution with annual fees topping $30k, yet evidence was tabled in court yesterday that Ms Ashton-Weir was never once given a silver spoon with which to imbibe her daily Bircher muesli. Further, the school patently failed the young lady by refusing to provide an immaculate gravel pathway lined with lovingly-tended hedges stretching all the way from the doors of its Geelong campus to the nearest sandstone university law school. Quite rightly, the family is outraged. http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-should-i-get-a-pug-or-a-pet-snow-leopard/ Welcome to the fifth edition of Dr Tinman’s Ignorant Remedies for the Aching Soul. I am Dr Tinman, life-doctor and former explorer of the Earth’s molten core. Life is hard. It’s full of disappointments, tragedy and jars that just won’t open, even though you did the hot water thing and the towel thing and now you have to ask someone else to open it for you - which they will and then you’ll have to joke about how you “must’ve loosened it”. But you both know that’s not true. You know you’re physically weaker than them. And now, so do they. Sometimes, it’s just easier to log onto your favourite online retailer and use any major credit card to purchase, with free shipping, a range of self-help books - all of which are available in 27 languages, including German, French, Mandarin and the hyper-sexual eyebrow arching-based form of communication utilised by terrifying teen bride Courtney Stodden. penberthyd@newsltd.com.au (David Penberthy) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-should-i-get-a-pug-or-a-pet-snow-leopard/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-should-i-get-a-pug-or-a-pet-snow-leopard/#item8481 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not providing her with the necessary tuition and support to get into a law course at an elite university, and so they should. The girl in question, a pouting, willowy petal by the name of Rose Ashton-Weir, boarded at Geelong Grammar in 2008 and 2009 and was clearly neglected to the point of indifference. The school is Prince Charles’s alma mater, and is Victoria’s most expensive secondary institution with annual fees topping $30k, yet evidence was tabled in court yesterday that Ms Ashton-Weir was never once given a silver spoon with which to imbibe her daily Bircher muesli. Further, the school patently failed the young lady by refusing to provide an immaculate gravel pathway lined with lovingly-tended hedges stretching all the way from the doors of its Geelong campus to the nearest sandstone university law school. Quite rightly, the family is outraged. http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/he-wasnt-fat-he-was-just-big-boned-and-big-whiskered/ Tabby or not tabby? That is the question. Another key question in the wake of the tragic death of “Meow” the 17 kilo cat overnight, is why oh why did he have to die so young? It’s not like he brought it on himself. He was just naturally big boned and big whiskered. And big tailed and big furred and big, big tummied. Vets said Meow died overnight as a result of complications from his morbid obesity. Well, those remarks are just plain catty. “Meow” spent his whole life on the high protein Catkins diet, yet still ballooned out to a catastrophic weight. penberthyd@newsltd.com.au (David Penberthy) Behind the picture http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/he-wasnt-fat-he-was-just-big-boned-and-big-whiskered/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/he-wasnt-fat-he-was-just-big-boned-and-big-whiskered/#item8437 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not providing her with the necessary tuition and support to get into a law course at an elite university, and so they should. The girl in question, a pouting, willowy petal by the name of Rose Ashton-Weir, boarded at Geelong Grammar in 2008 and 2009 and was clearly neglected to the point of indifference. The school is Prince Charles’s alma mater, and is Victoria’s most expensive secondary institution with annual fees topping $30k, yet evidence was tabled in court yesterday that Ms Ashton-Weir was never once given a silver spoon with which to imbibe her daily Bircher muesli. Further, the school patently failed the young lady by refusing to provide an immaculate gravel pathway lined with lovingly-tended hedges stretching all the way from the doors of its Geelong campus to the nearest sandstone university law school. Quite rightly, the family is outraged. http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-im-bankrupt-what-should-i-do/ Welcome to the fourth edition of Dr Tinman’s Ignorant Remedies for the Aching Soul. I am Dr Tinman, life-doctor and former explorer of worlds beyond the edges of time. Before I present you with this week’s Tanzanite fragment of wisdom (pearls are for fools and molluscs), I’d like to take the time to answer a few of your emails regarding my previous advice column. penberthyd@newsltd.com.au (David Penberthy) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-im-bankrupt-what-should-i-do/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-im-bankrupt-what-should-i-do/#item8415 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not providing her with the necessary tuition and support to get into a law course at an elite university, and so they should. The girl in question, a pouting, willowy petal by the name of Rose Ashton-Weir, boarded at Geelong Grammar in 2008 and 2009 and was clearly neglected to the point of indifference. The school is Prince Charles’s alma mater, and is Victoria’s most expensive secondary institution with annual fees topping $30k, yet evidence was tabled in court yesterday that Ms Ashton-Weir was never once given a silver spoon with which to imbibe her daily Bircher muesli. Further, the school patently failed the young lady by refusing to provide an immaculate gravel pathway lined with lovingly-tended hedges stretching all the way from the doors of its Geelong campus to the nearest sandstone university law school. Quite rightly, the family is outraged. http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/average-aussie-actor-seeks-part-in-csi-miami/ Ok, let’s get to the bottom of this Matthew Newton thing. We know he’s Bert’s son. We know he’s had recurring issues with the law. We know he’s been banged up in Miami Dade lockup overnight. And we know he’s said to be bipolar and probably needs some help. We also know he’s an actor in Florida. Put it together, people. This thing is so stupidly obvious it’s straight out of an episode of CSI: Dumbsville. What’s Newton doing in Florida? Easy. He’s auditioning for the part of a perp in a Florida cop drama. Think about it. After playing the bad guy in Underbelly, he has a taste for playing crims. And so, this decent, hard-working artiste who takes his craft incredibly seriously is sending a clever message to talent scouts everywhere that he is ready and available should a role come up. penberthyd@newsltd.com.au (David Penberthy) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/average-aussie-actor-seeks-part-in-csi-miami/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/average-aussie-actor-seeks-part-in-csi-miami/#item8321 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not providing her with the necessary tuition and support to get into a law course at an elite university, and so they should. The girl in question, a pouting, willowy petal by the name of Rose Ashton-Weir, boarded at Geelong Grammar in 2008 and 2009 and was clearly neglected to the point of indifference. The school is Prince Charles’s alma mater, and is Victoria’s most expensive secondary institution with annual fees topping $30k, yet evidence was tabled in court yesterday that Ms Ashton-Weir was never once given a silver spoon with which to imbibe her daily Bircher muesli. Further, the school patently failed the young lady by refusing to provide an immaculate gravel pathway lined with lovingly-tended hedges stretching all the way from the doors of its Geelong campus to the nearest sandstone university law school. Quite rightly, the family is outraged. http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-help-how-do-i-keep-lying-to-my-kids/ Welcome to the second edition of Dr Tinman’s Ignorant Remedies for the Aching Soul. I am Dr Tinman, life doctor and former Power Ranger. I shall be the light that guides you wide-eyed simpletons through this nightmarish tunnel of tears and sewerage we call life. Before we move on to this week’s pitiably pathetic question, I would like to thank those readers who took the time to write to me and praise my advice-giving abilities. penberthyd@newsltd.com.au (David Penberthy) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-help-how-do-i-keep-lying-to-my-kids/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-help-how-do-i-keep-lying-to-my-kids/#item8302 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not providing her with the necessary tuition and support to get into a law course at an elite university, and so they should. The girl in question, a pouting, willowy petal by the name of Rose Ashton-Weir, boarded at Geelong Grammar in 2008 and 2009 and was clearly neglected to the point of indifference. The school is Prince Charles’s alma mater, and is Victoria’s most expensive secondary institution with annual fees topping $30k, yet evidence was tabled in court yesterday that Ms Ashton-Weir was never once given a silver spoon with which to imbibe her daily Bircher muesli. Further, the school patently failed the young lady by refusing to provide an immaculate gravel pathway lined with lovingly-tended hedges stretching all the way from the doors of its Geelong campus to the nearest sandstone university law school. Quite rightly, the family is outraged. http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-why-do-my-colleagues-detest-me-so/ Welcome to the first edition of Dr Tinman’s Ignorant Remedies for the Aching Soul. I am Dr Tinman, life doctor and former stunt car driver with nothing to lose. I will be writing your new weekly advice column, with the hope of teaching you hapless infants to navigate this labyrinthine needle-pit we call life. I know other advice columns operate with the understanding that their readers are seeking a rational approach. But relationships aren’t built on rationality. They’re built on eternal point-scoring, thinking the way the other person eats sushi is weird and forced viewings of Titanic 3D. penberthyd@newsltd.com.au (David Penberthy) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-why-do-my-colleagues-detest-me-so/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/dear-dr-tinman-why-do-my-colleagues-detest-me-so/#item8236 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not providing her with the necessary tuition and support to get into a law course at an elite university, and so they should. The girl in question, a pouting, willowy petal by the name of Rose Ashton-Weir, boarded at Geelong Grammar in 2008 and 2009 and was clearly neglected to the point of indifference. The school is Prince Charles’s alma mater, and is Victoria’s most expensive secondary institution with annual fees topping $30k, yet evidence was tabled in court yesterday that Ms Ashton-Weir was never once given a silver spoon with which to imbibe her daily Bircher muesli. Further, the school patently failed the young lady by refusing to provide an immaculate gravel pathway lined with lovingly-tended hedges stretching all the way from the doors of its Geelong campus to the nearest sandstone university law school. Quite rightly, the family is outraged. http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/A-statement-by-the-president-of-the-global-parliament/ Fellow Earthians, I formally declare open the inaugural Global Parliament. Before turning to matters of procedure, I will chant the prayer: “Almighty Gaia, we who exist as mere parts of your living organism, humbly pray to the great spirits of the universe to direct and prosper our deliberations for the welfare and wellbeing of this living planet.” Let me indicate at the outset that henceforth all representatives are expected to be present and chant the opening prayer with me each session. Conscientious religious objection is abolished and only that great green spiritual leader will be able to articulate Her will and Her will be done on post-anthropogenic earth as it was on pre-anthropogenic earth. penberthyd@newsltd.com.au (David Penberthy) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/A-statement-by-the-president-of-the-global-parliament/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/A-statement-by-the-president-of-the-global-parliament/#item8172 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not providing her with the necessary tuition and support to get into a law course at an elite university, and so they should. The girl in question, a pouting, willowy petal by the name of Rose Ashton-Weir, boarded at Geelong Grammar in 2008 and 2009 and was clearly neglected to the point of indifference. The school is Prince Charles’s alma mater, and is Victoria’s most expensive secondary institution with annual fees topping $30k, yet evidence was tabled in court yesterday that Ms Ashton-Weir was never once given a silver spoon with which to imbibe her daily Bircher muesli. Further, the school patently failed the young lady by refusing to provide an immaculate gravel pathway lined with lovingly-tended hedges stretching all the way from the doors of its Geelong campus to the nearest sandstone university law school. Quite rightly, the family is outraged. http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/my-unbearable-life-as-a-handsome-man/ Ladies, please keep your distance today. For one day in the year, I beg you. Allow me to repose unpestered and alone in my magnificence. Today, I need my space. Today, my perfect face with its high cheekbones and steely jaw is unusually furrowed, and all because of a wonderful column by UK writer Samantha Brick. Not until I read her raw, groundbreaking words did I realise I share her problem. Samantha and I are siblings in exquisiteness. We are soul brother and sister in sheer physical splendour. Like Ms Brick, I am a victim of my own vivacity and it’s time my plight was highlighted. penberthyd@newsltd.com.au (David Penberthy) Lightweight http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/my-unbearable-life-as-a-handsome-man/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/my-unbearable-life-as-a-handsome-man/#item8175 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not providing her with the necessary tuition and support to get into a law course at an elite university, and so they should. The girl in question, a pouting, willowy petal by the name of Rose Ashton-Weir, boarded at Geelong Grammar in 2008 and 2009 and was clearly neglected to the point of indifference. The school is Prince Charles’s alma mater, and is Victoria’s most expensive secondary institution with annual fees topping $30k, yet evidence was tabled in court yesterday that Ms Ashton-Weir was never once given a silver spoon with which to imbibe her daily Bircher muesli. Further, the school patently failed the young lady by refusing to provide an immaculate gravel pathway lined with lovingly-tended hedges stretching all the way from the doors of its Geelong campus to the nearest sandstone university law school. Quite rightly, the family is outraged.