http://www.thepunch.com.au/tags/fashion/ Politics, political opinion, world news, sports news and the latest news and views updated live, daily on The Punch - Australia's best conversation. en Copyright 2012 The Punch penberthyd@newsltd.com.au penberthyd@newsltd.com.au Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Politics, opinion, world news, sports news, latest news, views, Barack Obama, Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Nathan Rees, Malcolm Turnbull, Peter Garrett, Barnaby Joyce, Australian, federal politics, opinion polls, election, The Punch, thepunch, punch ExpressionEngine 1.6.7 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss 15 http://www.thepunch.com.au/images/punch-logo-rss.png http://www.thepunch.com.au/ 144 70 Politics, political opinion, world news, sports news and the latest news and views updated live, daily on The Punch - Australia's best conversation. Search The Punch keywords http://www.thepunch.com.au/search/ http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/real-women-dont-wear-white-silk-jumpsuits/ That’s it. I am done with fashion magazines. Officially. I am never buying one, or reading one … or even nonchalantly flicking through the pages of one in my dentist’s office again. Ever. Again. Since my teens I have bought women’s fashion magazines off and on. The frequency dropped off as I got older but I would still occasionally buy one on impulse, sucked in by the glossy pages, the surreal photo of that actress I like on the cover and the promise of a few hours of mindless engagement with fashion, celebrity and perhaps even a decent article or two.  However, every time, from the first page to the back cover, I would travel a well-worn path through the six stages of fashion magazine consumption: feedback@thepunch.com.au (Tory Shepherd) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/real-women-dont-wear-white-silk-jumpsuits/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/real-women-dont-wear-white-silk-jumpsuits/#item6906 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight. I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself: “Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?” http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Bikini-rules-for-any-old-bum/ Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight. I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself: “Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?” feedback@thepunch.com.au (Tory Shepherd) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Bikini-rules-for-any-old-bum/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Bikini-rules-for-any-old-bum/#item7075 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight. I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself: “Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?” http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/the-ugly-truth-of-spring-racing/ Here we go again – time to dig out the fascinator, grab a six-pack of Bacardi Breezers and wobble off on impractically high heels to Melbourne’s Spring Racing Carnival. At any other time of the year, the races are likely to be associated with dodgy bookies, the barbarism of jumps racing and problem gambling. Around this time, however, we start referring to it as the “sport of kings”, an elite, glamorous cultural event. But how glamorous is it really when, for every one expensively-preened Fashions on the Field entrant, there are five young men wearing that consistently hilarious combination of tux and Aussie flag boxers? You can bet that while Lillian Frank or Peter Jago praise the young ladies present for returning to the modest and elegant trends of the 1920s, most people won’t go home without seeing at least a dozen women clutching a pair of vomit-speckled stilettos. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Tory Shepherd) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/the-ugly-truth-of-spring-racing/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/the-ugly-truth-of-spring-racing/#item7027 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight. I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself: “Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?” http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Best-of-the-breast-as-the-spring-carnal-kicks-off/ Something’s in the air and it’s not just a truckload of pollen. National stockpiles of Zyrtec, Tuscan Tan and ostrich feathers are all being hammered relentlessly. The Spring Racing Carnival is upon us. Originally a celebration of the finest in equine flesh, the event has diversified into an exposition of both equine and female flesh. Like musk sticks or anchovies, etymology either does it for you or it doesn’t. I would be happy to see the recipe for musk sticks go up in flames, but I do dig a bit of etymology. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Tory Shepherd) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Best-of-the-breast-as-the-spring-carnal-kicks-off/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Best-of-the-breast-as-the-spring-carnal-kicks-off/#item7019 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight. I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself: “Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?” http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/ms-jellybonkers-guide-to-backyard-bra-fitting/ The female bosom is rarely short of attention. High brow art. Low brow ogling. Web sites such as www.whoppin’greatboosiewahwahs.com. While that last URL may be a tiny bit made up, we all know that the big problem with boobs is usually a surplus rather than a deficit of interest. Which is why it’s so bizarre that it’s become so hard to find a decent bra fitter. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Tory Shepherd) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/ms-jellybonkers-guide-to-backyard-bra-fitting/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/ms-jellybonkers-guide-to-backyard-bra-fitting/#item6843 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight. I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself: “Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?” http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/when-i-was-young-we-couldnt-even-afford-cocaine/ As the bingo wings kick in and the skin starts to thin and once-vibrant veins start to turn varicose, it’s easy to romanticise youth. When we were all beautiful and effortlessly thin and full of energy. To muster the requisite morale to swing my creaky knees out of bed in the morning I sometimes have to remind myself that it wasn’t all spring and vim, that youth business. Being young meant being poor. Walking two miles to uni in second-hand, too-big Doc Martens with homemade Posca designs. And hoping for an entry-level position that paid marginally higher than the dole. Not today, though, oh no. Now the trendy yoof are apparently snorting mountains of cocaine! Cocaine! feedback@thepunch.com.au (Tory Shepherd) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/when-i-was-young-we-couldnt-even-afford-cocaine/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/when-i-was-young-we-couldnt-even-afford-cocaine/#item6381 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight. I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself: “Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?” http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/precocious-pint-sized-style-icons-on-parade/ For 10 points, to which celebrities do these children belong: Colin, Elizabeth, Chester, Truman, Lily-Rose and Jack? Any idea? Nope. That’s because their dads, despite being two of Hollywood’s top three highest earners, have never paraded their kids as accessories to their own fame. Congrats Mr Depp and Mr Hanks. In fact, double cheers to Tom who’s just become a grandad. I trust little Olivia Jane is doing well? Compare them to Willow Smith, Suri Cruise, Lourdes Ciccone Leon and Romeo Beckham who, thanks to some pretty intense parental showcasing, are now being heralded as style icons. You heard right – we’re now supposed to admire the dress sense of a five-year-old. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Tory Shepherd) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/precocious-pint-sized-style-icons-on-parade/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/precocious-pint-sized-style-icons-on-parade/#item6349 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight. I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself: “Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?” http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/punch-on-open-thread-19-07-2011/ Who said fashion can’t change the world? On this day in 1850 women’s “bloomers” made their first ever appearance at a New York fashion show. The western world’s first pants for women were long and baggy; designed to be worn under a skirt to protect a woman’s “decency”. They also allowed more freedom of movement than conservative and restrictive traditional Victorian dress.  It’s Tuesday. What’s got your knickers in a knot? Share it here. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Tory Shepherd) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/punch-on-open-thread-19-07-2011/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/punch-on-open-thread-19-07-2011/#item6315 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight. I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself: “Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?” http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/why-do-we-buy-half-our-body-weight-in-clothes-each-year/ For a decade, my friend Sarah and I acted as mutual wardrobe mistresses. Every six months, I’d park myself on her bedroom floor and drink tea as she went through each item in her closet. Six months later, she’d come to mine and do the same. It was ruthless. “If you want a vanilla life, wear vanilla clothes,” she’d tut, discarding my sensible Gap T-shirts and raising an eyebrow at the leather skirt I clung to for years despite it only fitting for one night, post-gastro and mid-love affair. In return, I’d note when her penchant for vintage lapsed from funky and charming to smelly old dead person. One thing we never said was: “Hon, don’t you think you have enough clothes?” Why? Because we didn’t. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Tory Shepherd) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/why-do-we-buy-half-our-body-weight-in-clothes-each-year/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/why-do-we-buy-half-our-body-weight-in-clothes-each-year/#item6247 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight. I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself: “Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?” http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/designer-bags-have-lost-their-shine-amongst-the-masses/ I’m now the owner of a designer handbag and I’m not sure I want to keep it. The story of how I got it isn’t one I’m proud of - let’s just say the story of how I got it involves a garage sale, a tussle with a Russian septuagenarian and a fistful of notes. (Elbows people, use your elbows).  The point is, I now have a rather nice brown leather bag which, new, would have cost about the same as the GDP of Burundi - and I’ve discovered a whole new world. I now get admiring nods from strangers and comments from friends about my new purchase. I come across women with similar designer bags slung over their shoulders and they nod and smile at me, like we’re members of a select group who think it’s perfectly reasonable to spend a four- figure sum on what is essentially a very nice calfskin thing to keep your Travel Tens, old Biros and the occasional pair of knickers in. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Tory Shepherd) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/designer-bags-have-lost-their-shine-amongst-the-masses/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/designer-bags-have-lost-their-shine-amongst-the-masses/#item6170 Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:45:28 +0000 Wearing a bikini turns me into a woman I don’t want to be: neurotic, angsty and hyper-pervy of every female in sight. I’m a shocker at ‘compare and despair’, so all those holidays when I should be enjoying a good book or contemplating a surf are, instead, spent in a ridiculous silent dialogue with myself: “Are they looking at my thighs? She’s game to go the white; What’s that Miranda Kerr lookalike doing in Bermagui? Sod off back to Mauritius! Who’d have thought four triangles of Lycra could turn me into such a cow?”