http://www.thepunch.com.au/author-bios/jo-thornely/ Jo Thornely spent too long at art school and now works in television, neither of which have anything at all to do with writing. She writes opinion pieces for The Daily Telegraph and freelances wherever unnecessary hyperbole and the excessive use of hyphens are required. en Copyright 2012 The Punch penberthyd@newsltd.com.au penberthyd@newsltd.com.au Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 Politics, opinion, world news, sports news, latest news, views, Barack Obama, Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Nathan Rees, Malcolm Turnbull, Peter Garrett, Barnaby Joyce, Australian, federal politics, opinion polls, election, The Punch, thepunch, punch ExpressionEngine 1.6.7 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss 15 http://www.thepunch.com.au/images/punch-logo-rss.png http://www.thepunch.com.au/ 144 70 Politics, political opinion, world news, sports news and the latest news and views updated live, daily on The Punch - Australia's best conversation. Search The Punch keywords http://www.thepunch.com.au/search/ http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/How-to-spot-a-vom-com-in-10-easy-steps/ I am not a fan of romantic comedies, or as they’re called in my living room when I’m alone and in the word for low-level wordplay: “vom-coms”. My housemates are fans of romantic comedies, however, and often offer up their DVD collections for my viewing “pleasure”. Unfortunately, many of the DVD covers have been lost, due to the fact that my housemates may or may not have procured their movie collections via legitimate means. This means that, when I’m in the mood for a bit of Hollywood, I have a great teetering pile of almost identical discs imprinted with only a movie title to choose from. No pictures of Matthew McConaughey leaning quirkily and sickeningly against this week’s femme. No scrolling silver script to indicate impending matrimony or whimsical flirtation. No Heigl or Aniston or Roberts or Jessica Parker on the cover looking diagonally upwards. Just titles. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Jo Thornely) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/How-to-spot-a-vom-com-in-10-easy-steps/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/How-to-spot-a-vom-com-in-10-easy-steps/#item7783 Thu, 16 Feb 2012 19:45:23 +0000 Jo Thornely | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/you-wont-fool-the-children-of-the-anti-resolution/ I hardly ever keep my New Year’s Resolutions, including the last two, which were Don’t Make Any More New Year’s Resolutions and Don’t Write About Making Resolutions Around The End Of December. Even my Only Drink Stirred Martinis (Not Shaken) resolution looked a bit shaky around June, when I didn’t keep my eye on a barman that had a rebellious streak and a twitchy hand. So I’ve decided that this year, I’m just making resolutions that are impossible to keep. That way, I figure by the end of the year I might have some kind of a record – 100 per cent of my resolutions broken. A real achievement. Let’s see… feedback@thepunch.com.au (Jo Thornely) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/you-wont-fool-the-children-of-the-anti-resolution/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/you-wont-fool-the-children-of-the-anti-resolution/#item7460 Sun, 01 Jan 2012 20:00:52 +0000 Jo Thornely | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/coastal-holidays-of-your-dreams-ettalong-beach/ Just an hour away from Sydney by train, 45 minutes by car and a constant 18,000 kilometres from fashion is the seaside sprawl of Ettalong Beach. If you alight from nearby Woy Woy station, on a lucky day you can be welcomed upon arrival by the traditional overheard greeting phrase “give us back me smokes, ya sl_t”.  Then just pop yourself onto Blackwall Road, trot past the drive-through KFC, continue past the picturesque smash repair and bait shops, and you’re just about there. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Jo Thornely) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/coastal-holidays-of-your-dreams-ettalong-beach/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/coastal-holidays-of-your-dreams-ettalong-beach/#item7363 Thu, 22 Dec 2011 19:45:30 +0000 Jo Thornely | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/jingle-bells-jingle-bells-jingle-bells-crock/ I can’t do Christmas carols any more. I can’t. I can maybe handle Jingle Bells, but only because my brain automatically reverts to the clearly superior “Batman smells, Robin ran away” version, but Jingle Bell Rock can seriously go and die in a chestnut-roasting fire. Any song that asks me to “mix and a-mingle to a jinglin’ beat” ceases to deserve a place in my Yuletide vernacular. Seriously, what does that even mean? That’s the problem with Christmas carols: they don’t make any frigging sense. Even after I’ve suspended my disbelief regarding virgin births, flying reindeer, the existence of myrrh and the not-everybody-has-a-chimney thing, there’s still a lot of bunk in Christmas carols that just doesn’t add up. I’ll give you the fat-guy-who-doesn’t-work-very-often and the not-being-able-to-find-a-hotel-vacancy-at-Christmas-time, though. But the rest is all a bit iffy. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Jo Thornely) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/jingle-bells-jingle-bells-jingle-bells-crock/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/jingle-bells-jingle-bells-jingle-bells-crock/#item7404 Sun, 18 Dec 2011 19:45:50 +0000 Jo Thornely | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Government-brushes-holey-molars-for-holy-rollers/ With the Federal Budget adjusted this week in an attempt to drag us back into the black, it’s time to go through government spending with a fine-toothed comb and pull back wherever we can. I’d like to help with this process if I can. Wading through the bits of the 2011-2012 Budget that actually say actual things in actual English (that is, the bits that don’t say things like “continuing benefits to the bottom-line beyond the forward estimates”, which I assume means “um”) I was struck by some comparative numbers. One of the numbers was $222 million, which has been earmarked to extend the National School Chaplaincy Program. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Jo Thornely) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Government-brushes-holey-molars-for-holy-rollers/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Government-brushes-holey-molars-for-holy-rollers/#item7281 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:45:16 +0000 Jo Thornely | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/oi-barry-leave-the-money-on-the-fridge-would-ya/ Dear Mr Obama, Thanks heaps for your beaut speech to Parliament this week, in which you used heaps of Australian idioms and that. It was beaut. Our prime minister looked at you like she dead set wanted to pash you, and our Opposition leader said something about being a fellow English speaker, which is a bloody riot, because seriously mate, have you heard us? Anyway, as you’ll see if you go to any twenty-firsts or footy dinners while you’re here, we tend to do this right-of-reply dealio whenever anyone dings on a glass and makes a speech, so I thought I’d respond and stuff. Sweet as? feedback@thepunch.com.au (Jo Thornely) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/oi-barry-leave-the-money-on-the-fridge-would-ya/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/oi-barry-leave-the-money-on-the-fridge-would-ya/#item7183 Thu, 17 Nov 2011 19:55:16 +0000 Jo Thornely | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/how-to-be-famous-in-ten-easy-steps/ Look, I’m sick of this not-being-famous crap. Enough’s enough. I want my fifteen minutes, and I’m not just talking jail time. Clearly in the early twenty-first century I don’t have to have an actual skill to become famous - bad news for plate-spinners and cup-stackers everywhere – but I will need to approach my planned getting-of-attention in a systematic way. I can already moonwalk amazingly well, so that’s done. I figure there’s just a handful of additional steps I need to take. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Jo Thornely) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/how-to-be-famous-in-ten-easy-steps/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/how-to-be-famous-in-ten-easy-steps/#item7068 Thu, 03 Nov 2011 19:39:59 +0000 Jo Thornely | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/gillard-should-have-bobbed.-its-just-common-curtsy/ Tired of scrutinising slow-mo footage of suspicious ripples in Beyonce’s baby bump, I’m pleased to announce that we’re free to analyse another equally significant, universe-buckling event. The Prime Minister didn’t curtsy to the Queen. No. I don’t think you understand. PRIME MINISTER. DIDN’T CURTSY. QUEEN. Surprisingly the police weren’t called, but the indignant tutting of monarchists could be heard from space, much like the Governor General’s outfit. See, ‘curtsy’ is an abbreviation of the word ‘courtesy’. Well, it probably is – I leave that kind of research to proper journalists. They sound similar though, and that can’t be a coincidence, right? It’s similar to the way that ‘Negus’ is short for ‘Never Give Up Sixty Minutes’, in that I made it up just then. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Jo Thornely) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/gillard-should-have-bobbed.-its-just-common-curtsy/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/gillard-should-have-bobbed.-its-just-common-curtsy/#item6971 Thu, 20 Oct 2011 01:45:53 +0000 Jo Thornely | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/no-ho-ho-its-a-father-christmas-shortage/ Not enough people are applying for the job of Local Shopping Centre Santa. People are un-applying in plague proportions. Turns out being urinated on for four weeks by other peoples’ greedy brats isn’t such a hot ticket after all. It may be that the ratio of children to deep-voiced jolly men with robust thighs is off. It could be that those that are around and available are worried about the potentially awkward and litigious practice of having children sit on your lap and ask you for presents. Or of course for any children reading, it could be that there’s only one Santa, and he’s busy making peanut-free toys for you all at the North Pole. Probably hanging out with Jesus or something, I don’t know. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Jo Thornely) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/no-ho-ho-its-a-father-christmas-shortage/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/no-ho-ho-its-a-father-christmas-shortage/#item6862 Thu, 06 Oct 2011 19:50:20 +0000 Jo Thornely | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/a-handy-guide-to-complaining-about-stuff/ Life as a switched-on, concerned and indignant citizen can be confusing. There are so many options. From screaming leftie to uptighty righty, it’s hard to know exactly which knee-jerk reaction is the best one. To that end, I’ve compiled a handy guide for you, listing possible scenarios and offering recommendations, based on experience and observation, regarding the best way to react. You’re welcome. It’s called: SO YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT REACTING TO STUFF? feedback@thepunch.com.au (Jo Thornely) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/a-handy-guide-to-complaining-about-stuff/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/a-handy-guide-to-complaining-about-stuff/#item6767 Wed, 21 Sep 2011 19:55:10 +0000 Jo Thornely | Author bios | The Punch