http://www.thepunch.com.au/author-bios/emma-jane/ Emma Jane (previous name Emma Tom) is an award-winning Sydney writer and broadcaster who has spent the past 23 years working in both the print and electronic media. Her column appears in The Australian every other Thursday and she freelances widely for magazines and newspapers both in Australia and overseas. Emma is the author of six books including a novel, Deadset, which won the Commonwealth Writers’ Prize for Asia and the South Pacific for Best First Novel in 1997, and most recently, Attack of the Fifty-Foot Hormones, which was published by HarperCollins in July 2009. Her short stories and essays have also been widely published. Emma works as a senior lecturer at the University of New South Wales where she has recently completed her PhD. en Copyright 2012 The Punch penberthyd@newsltd.com.au penberthyd@newsltd.com.au Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 Sat, 26 May 2012 20:00:40 +0000 Politics, opinion, world news, sports news, latest news, views, Barack Obama, Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Nathan Rees, Malcolm Turnbull, Peter Garrett, Barnaby Joyce, Australian, federal politics, opinion polls, election, The Punch, thepunch, punch ExpressionEngine 1.6.7 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss 15 http://www.thepunch.com.au/images/punch-logo-rss.png http://www.thepunch.com.au/ 144 70 Politics, political opinion, world news, sports news and the latest news and views updated live, daily on The Punch - Australia's best conversation. Search The Punch keywords http://www.thepunch.com.au/search/ http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/we-must-cure-heteros-of-their-unnatural-ways/ Let’s get one thing straight from the outset. I am not heterophobic. In fact, some of my best friends are heterosexuals. (Oh, OK, maybe “best friends” is not as accurate a descriptor as “some monodimensional caricatures I once saw on a sitcom”, but you get the picture.) Anyway. Up until recently, I was open-minded about people who chose heterosexual lifestyles so long as they didn’t indulge in any of their perverted hanky panky in public, in private or in their fervid imaginations. Lately, however, it has become clear that radical straights are infiltrating the highest echelons of Western society in a nefarious attempt to indoctrinate young people with their deviate, pro-heterosexual agendas. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Emma Jane) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/we-must-cure-heteros-of-their-unnatural-ways/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/we-must-cure-heteros-of-their-unnatural-ways/#item8513 Wed, 16 May 2012 19:40:29 +0000 Emma Jane | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Im-a-barbie-mum-how-the-hell-did-this-happen/ Like every good feminist mother I said “no” when my five-year-old daughter demanded a Barbie. I said “no” and I said “no” and I said “no” again. Then (like every other procreator who is a fatally flawed human rather than one of those superior, mechanised parental no-bots), I caved shortly after pester number googol. “OK,” I said. “But just one. With brown hair. And the marginally thicker waist Mattel introduced after 1997. How about African American Boot Camp Barbie? Her functional khaki trousers and radically articulated limbs are on par with separatist lesbianism given the feet-bindingly narrow domain of the Barbie-verse, wouldn’t you say, Alice?” feedback@thepunch.com.au (Emma Jane) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Im-a-barbie-mum-how-the-hell-did-this-happen/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Im-a-barbie-mum-how-the-hell-did-this-happen/#item8387 Wed, 02 May 2012 19:43:55 +0000 Emma Jane | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/this-wag-nation-show-simply-does-not-commute/ Hey, equality lovers! Unsure whether to get all ideologically outraged and bra burny over the new Australian reality TV show WAG Nation? The solution is a simple commutation test away! Oh, OK. Maybe commutation tests (which come from the arcane domain of semiotics) aren’t that simple. But they are useful when it comes to understanding why having a special word for the wives and girlfriends of elite sportsmen is so damn objectionable. Commutation tests are a thought experiment which involve swapping one part of a text for another and then dwelling philosophically (preferably positioned like Rodin’s thinker) on the significance of any resulting changes in meaning . feedback@thepunch.com.au (Emma Jane) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/this-wag-nation-show-simply-does-not-commute/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/this-wag-nation-show-simply-does-not-commute/#item8275 Wed, 18 Apr 2012 19:55:54 +0000 Emma Jane | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Women-just-cant-win-when-it-comes-to-our-appearance/ As always, it’s tempting to blame everything on Ms Antithesis-of-“Germane” Greer. Bloody Germaine. Doesn’t she realise there are enough misogynists taking pot shots at Julia Gillard without women’s libbers joining the mob? Stubborn Germaine. When will she accept that Australia’s “stupid” media isn’t “making” her sound crazy by quoting her out of context; it’s simply quoting her? feedback@thepunch.com.au (Emma Jane) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Women-just-cant-win-when-it-comes-to-our-appearance/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Women-just-cant-win-when-it-comes-to-our-appearance/#item8170 Wed, 04 Apr 2012 19:40:47 +0000 Emma Jane | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/this-weeks-award-for-not-snarking-over-praising-kids/ Every week a newsletter is emailed from my five-year-old’s public school letting parents know which students have received merit certificates from the principal. Recipients from kindergarten classes in recent weeks have included Plaitsy Bobsocking*, Pipsqueak Toothmissing and Willful Bumworder who have been recognised for, among other things, “improved listening”, “trying to complete their work on time” and “teaching the class about finger spaces”. Students from older grades are acknowledged for citizenship, efforts in modern Greek, and – my personal favourite – exhibiting enthusiasm and maturity towards fractions and decimals. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Emma Jane) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/this-weeks-award-for-not-snarking-over-praising-kids/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/this-weeks-award-for-not-snarking-over-praising-kids/#item8054 Wed, 21 Mar 2012 19:40:38 +0000 Emma Jane | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/if-only-yoghurt-grew-on-trees/ Ever wondered about the origins of all that stuff you’re wearing and eating? Australian school kiddies have. And – according to new research – gazillions of ‘em think cotton socks come from animals and yoghurt comes from plants. Since this jaw-dropping news broke on Monday, the international commentariat has erupted with mighty geysers of parent-bashing, school-bashing and just a little bit of (metaphorical) youth-of-today-bashing. Certainly I shudder to think from what part of a cow, sheep or hirsutely testicled boar a schoolchild thinks it is possible to extract a pair of socks. And what about these yoghurt trees? Growing alongside the butter bushes, custard vines and cheese slice plantations, are they? feedback@thepunch.com.au (Emma Jane) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/if-only-yoghurt-grew-on-trees/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/if-only-yoghurt-grew-on-trees/#item7947 Wed, 07 Mar 2012 19:45:40 +0000 Emma Jane | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/kindergarten-philosophy/ My freshly kindergarten-ed daughter has been learning all sorts of stuff at her new school. Last weekend, for instance, she missed a ping pong shot and chucked a McEnroe-esque hissy fit while bawling “oh s—t”. (Lesson from school number one: swearing gets results.) When I launched into my umpteenth Why Profanity Really Isn’t Such a Great Idea for Five Year Olds lecture, Alice asked a bunch of questions along the lines of “what does s—t even mean?”,  “don’t YOU sometimes say s—t? and “does it count if I just say s—t quietly on my own?” feedback@thepunch.com.au (Emma Jane) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/kindergarten-philosophy/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/kindergarten-philosophy/#item7827 Wed, 22 Feb 2012 19:55:34 +0000 Emma Jane | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/the-temptation-of-forbidden-fruit-why-i-cant-dukan/ Like many Australians, I spent the Christmas holidays growing as a person. Unfortunately, I’m talking literally. Over the summer months, I fed liberally from the five festive food groups: the rum ball group; the mayonnaise group; the house-made-of-stale-gingerbread group; the looks-like-the-placenta-scene-out-of-Poltergeist trifle group; and, of course, the furtive-third-helping-of-pavlova group. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Emma Jane) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/the-temptation-of-forbidden-fruit-why-i-cant-dukan/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/the-temptation-of-forbidden-fruit-why-i-cant-dukan/#item7709 Wed, 08 Feb 2012 19:40:58 +0000 Emma Jane | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/colberts-foray-shows-up-the-real-clowns-in-the-us-circus/ When talk show host Stephen Colbert announced his quasi-bid for the US presidency, he presented American voters with an embarrassing democratic dilemma: How were they going to tell the mock candidates from the real ones? Lovers of fine farce will be familiar with Colbert’s work. His hallucinatory satire is so formidable it can be seen from space (where a NASA astronautical treadmill was recently named COLBERT in his honour).  On the off chance you aren’t a religious tuner innerer to the Comedy Channel at 7pm on weeknights, Colbert is the anchor for The Colbert Report. He’s a maniacal, semi-fictitious character who displays breathtaking audacity when it comes to speaking truthiness to power. feedback@thepunch.com.au (Emma Jane) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/colberts-foray-shows-up-the-real-clowns-in-the-us-circus/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/colberts-foray-shows-up-the-real-clowns-in-the-us-circus/#item7606 Thu, 26 Jan 2012 19:35:06 +0000 Emma Jane | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/the-joy-of-autosex-I-mean-autolicks-I-mean-autocorrect/ Terrible news. The word on the e-street is that Apple’s super-secretive tech-heads aren’t just slaving away on a new flat screen iDiotBox. They’re also attempting to kill off a wonderfully slapstick glitch in the company’s existing devices. ‘Autocorrect’ is an iPhone function designed to correct spelling mistakes and complete par-finished words. Often, however, it demonstrates a delightfully human tendency to stuff up. Over the past year, it has become infamous for transforming innocuous missives about holiday plans and office schedules into surreal ejaculations about Pussy Hats (instead of Pizza Huts), stroking offs (instead of stroganoffs), backyard transsexuals (instead of trampolines) and earthquake titty scales (instead of the usual Richter models). feedback@thepunch.com.au (Emma Jane) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/the-joy-of-autosex-I-mean-autolicks-I-mean-autocorrect/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/the-joy-of-autosex-I-mean-autolicks-I-mean-autocorrect/#item7509 Wed, 11 Jan 2012 19:55:02 +0000 Emma Jane | Author bios | The Punch