http://www.thepunch.com.au/author-bios/chris-deal/ Designer of The Punch, occasional writer and rabbit fancier en Copyright 2012 The Punch penberthyd@newsltd.com.au penberthyd@newsltd.com.au Fri, 10 Feb 2012 02:00:13 +0000 Fri, 10 Feb 2012 02:00:13 +0000 Politics, opinion, world news, sports news, latest news, views, Barack Obama, Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Nathan Rees, Malcolm Turnbull, Peter Garrett, Barnaby Joyce, Australian, federal politics, opinion polls, election, The Punch, thepunch, punch ExpressionEngine 1.6.7 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss 15 http://www.thepunch.com.au/images/punch-logo-rss.png http://www.thepunch.com.au/ 144 70 Politics, political opinion, world news, sports news and the latest news and views updated live, daily on The Punch - Australia's best conversation. Search The Punch keywords http://www.thepunch.com.au/search/ http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/A-dangerously-unhinged-lesson-in-office-etiquette/ By now you may be aware of the offensively Draconian nanny state mandate handed down this week to the fine employees of BHP Billiton. The memo entitled, Mine Kampf: BHP’s Office Environment Standard And Glorious Five Year Plan, outlines a thousand and one workplace bugbears that the BHP politburo have declared no longer negotiable, punishable presumably, by pain of performance review. It’s a grossly heavy-handed document, undermining the worth of the employees who deserve respect not only for making BHP the success story it is, but also just for being humble and honourable members of the human race. And it would be an indefensibly deplorable document of foolscap fascism, if it were not for one tiny problem: as a rule, you people are f#$king disgusting. chris.deal@newsdigitalmedia.com.au (Chris Deal) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/A-dangerously-unhinged-lesson-in-office-etiquette/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/A-dangerously-unhinged-lesson-in-office-etiquette/#item6583 Thu, 25 Aug 2011 18:40:02 +0000 Chris Deal | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/an-open-letter-to-gay-people/ Hi, gay people! How’s it going? Don’t tell me… just super, right? That’s what you people say isn’t it? Not that I would know, not being gay and all. I’m sorry if that sounded like an odd thing to say. I don’t normally declare my sexual persuasion so abruptly. But I’ve heard you like to convert normal people with your gay agendas and your corrupting lifestyle choices, and since I’m being so open and friendly I didn’t want you getting any funny ideas about recruiting me. I also heard that gays are pretty upfront and brash most of the time, so I’m pretty sure you’ll appreciate the candour. Just so long as you promise not to get turned on by it. Unless of course you happen to be lesbians. But only the hot ones that look like normal women. chris.deal@newsdigitalmedia.com.au (Chris Deal) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/an-open-letter-to-gay-people/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/an-open-letter-to-gay-people/#item5649 Sun, 17 Apr 2011 18:55:12 +0000 Chris Deal | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/theres-no-way-big-barry-can-lose-this-election.-or-is-there/ Tomorrow Barry O’Farrell assumes the mantle of the Premier of NSW. That’s not a prediction from a well-informed insider, by the way. It’s a stone-cold fact, hewn from the knowledge that there hasn’t been a conclusion this foregone since Ricky Martin turned out to be a bit light in the loafers. Which leads us to the question - what could Fatty possibly do to balls up this one horse race? With one day left on the campaign trail shot clock, what catastrophic cock-ups could the man cook up to fall short of the biggest sure thing since hipster douchebags queuing up for Apple products? You know it, I know it, and you can be sure as shit old Barry knows it. So with that, Barry, we dare ya. We double dare you to take The Punch Policy Pepsi Challenge, and pepper a few of these zingers into the ears of your electorates. We honestly doubt it’ll make one iota of difference… chris.deal@newsdigitalmedia.com.au (Chris Deal) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/theres-no-way-big-barry-can-lose-this-election.-or-is-there/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/theres-no-way-big-barry-can-lose-this-election.-or-is-there/#item5475 Thu, 24 Mar 2011 18:55:54 +0000 Chris Deal | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/we-can-handle-the-truth-jules-we-just-dont-want-it/ Julian Assange must be stopped. Not because he’s a traitor or an anarchist, a whistleblower or a terrorist – but because he’s a frigging killjoy. And he’s slowly ruining all our fun. The world used to be a magical place, full of wonder and mystery. Ancient peoples still cut off from the modern world. Whole continents yet undiscovered. Nobody knowing who really shot JR. There was so much we didn’t know, and it was utterly fascinating. We don’t have any of this anymore. Now we know everything. Now we have dark matter. Now we have third umpires. And now we have Wikileaks. And it’s boring as hell. chris.deal@newsdigitalmedia.com.au (Chris Deal) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/we-can-handle-the-truth-jules-we-just-dont-want-it/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/we-can-handle-the-truth-jules-we-just-dont-want-it/#item4660 Thu, 09 Dec 2010 18:43:28 +0000 Chris Deal | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/why-im-not-a-man/ The other day I was reading a popular men’s magazine. I won’t mention the name, all I’ll say is it was for men, and about their style. The style of men really, or more precisely, men’s style. All I’m saying is it wasn’t GQ. After only a few page turns I realised that while I am in possession of a penis and an extra chromosome, this magazine was well and truly not talking to me. Which naturally lead me to but one conclusion - I am not a man. I’m not a man, I’m a guy. A guy at best, a dude at worst, and so white the only way I could even think of being a bro is if I created my own hilarious and not-racist-at-all-god-where’s-your-sense-of-humour Red Faces routine. chris.deal@newsdigitalmedia.com.au (Chris Deal) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/why-im-not-a-man/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/why-im-not-a-man/#item4181 Tue, 05 Oct 2010 18:55:02 +0000 Chris Deal | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/i-hate-bad-writers-with-a-fiery-passion-in-my-heart/ They come from far, they come from wide. They come with a fire in their bellies and a penchant for the written word that not even a million monkeys on a million typewriters could even dream of topping no matter how many sonnets they secured or peanuts they procured with their feverish and dexterous opposable thumbs. They are, of course, and without a shadow of a flickering doubt - bad writers. The bad writer is a mystery for the ages. A mystery, wrapped in a riddle, snug as a bug in a tightly woven and off-white or eggshell coloured woollen rug. The fact remains that since man has walked the earth since time immemorial, our command of language above all is what has set man apart from beast; what has separated the men from the boys (by men I of course mean men, and by boys I mean animals). chris.deal@newsdigitalmedia.com.au (Chris Deal) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/i-hate-bad-writers-with-a-fiery-passion-in-my-heart/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/i-hate-bad-writers-with-a-fiery-passion-in-my-heart/#item3448 Wed, 30 Jun 2010 19:00:41 +0000 Chris Deal | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/a-mystery-wrapped-in-a-riddle-wrapped-in-a-burqa/ When it comes to intimate workings and in-depth knowledge of Muslim culture, let’s not beat around the bush, we have no frigging idea what we’re talking about. We don’t understand the burqa. Hell, we’re not even sure how to spell it. Or the Koran for that matter. Quran? Qar’an? Karan? Who knows. I don’t even know what it’s about. Is it a story, or is it just an instruction manual for the soul? Beggar’s belief. We haven’t opened it up. We haven’t eyed it on the sale table at Borders and thought, “I reckon I should read this since we seem to be talking about it all the time”. We’ve hardly even worn a crease in our own one. The first stanza of Genesis we all learn by osmosis, but it’s a bit like learning the words to Advance Australia Fair. It’s just something that infiltrates your childhood brain and you blurt out by rote, without any thought as to what the hell “girt by sea” even means. chris.deal@newsdigitalmedia.com.au (Chris Deal) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/a-mystery-wrapped-in-a-riddle-wrapped-in-a-burqa/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/a-mystery-wrapped-in-a-riddle-wrapped-in-a-burqa/#item3093 Sun, 16 May 2010 18:50:19 +0000 Chris Deal | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/to-err-is-to-human-to-be-a-hypocrite-devine/ For anyone who still cares, I thought it might be interesting to compare and contrast the recent public outbursts of arguably Australia’s greatest female controversialists, Catherine Deveny and Miranda Devine, and see if we can get to the bottom of this tirade titlefight. In the pinko lefto red corner we have Deveny. Weighing in as a self-proclaimed “serial pest”, and “cultural terrorist”, this fiery feminist heavyweight from Melbourne is best known for her quick left jabs and rapid fire uppercuts, such as “I do so hope Bindi Irwin gets laid tonight”, and the other cracker about Rove McManus’s dead wife. In the neo-conservanista blue corner we have Devine. Weighing in as a devout Roman Catholic and smug upholder of our dwindling moral high ground, this Sydney based journalist is best known for her elusive footwork and sneaky right hooks, such her now classic gay sledge, “You’ve had enough of rogering gerbils I see”. chris.deal@newsdigitalmedia.com.au (Chris Deal) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/to-err-is-to-human-to-be-a-hypocrite-devine/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/to-err-is-to-human-to-be-a-hypocrite-devine/#item3041 Mon, 10 May 2010 18:45:02 +0000 Chris Deal | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/smoking-is-cool-well-a-lot-cooler-than-kevin/ I’m not quite sure if or when I became cool, but if I did, I know for certain smoking had nothing to do with it. When I was a kid one of my best mates was my next-door neighbour Brett. Brett was a smoker. Brett was always going to be a smoker. His mum smoked, his dad smoked, his older brother smoked – if Brett didn’t smoke he would have almost been betraying the family name. Brett was an honour smoker, and a good mate. Although he did once try to beat me up. Each morning Brett and I would head off early and walk to school “the back way”, so I could enjoy a pleasant dawn service of standing around like an idiot watching Brett and a bunch of kids smoke their lungs out. I think I did this every day of my entire high-schooling career, and for some reason I never smoked. Ever. But even though I thought it was disgusting, I always knew smoking was undeniably cool. chris.deal@newsdigitalmedia.com.au (Chris Deal) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/smoking-is-cool-well-a-lot-cooler-than-kevin/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/smoking-is-cool-well-a-lot-cooler-than-kevin/#item2960 Sun, 02 May 2010 18:50:17 +0000 Chris Deal | Author bios | The Punch http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/probably-isnt-enough-in-the-argument-against-God/ I love it when Richard Dawkins comes to town. It’s like Christmas for people who don’t believe in Christmas. Even though he’s since departed our fair shores, Dawkins’ wake of influence still ripples like the aftermath of an intellectual tsunami, and if anything you have to give him credit for almost single-handedly putting religious debate back on the map. The debate that follows Dawkins across the globe is largely confined to the mission of getting rid of this pesky notion of a creator once and for all, by using the atheist mantra “celebrate reason” to expose all who entertain the divine as delusional, idiotic disciples of fairies or flying spaghetti monsters or whatever convenient and patronising analogy fits best. Needless to say, there’s a lot of love in the room. chris.deal@newsdigitalmedia.com.au (Chris Deal) Article http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/probably-isnt-enough-in-the-argument-against-God/#comments http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/probably-isnt-enough-in-the-argument-against-God/#item2697 Thu, 25 Mar 2010 18:55:20 +0000 Chris Deal | Author bios | The Punch