Lightweight

Michael Clarke did a very Michael Clarke thing this week. He announced, in a major interview with one of the nation’s largest tabloids, that he intends to keep a lower profile for a while.

So Clarke goes public to say he’ll be keeping out of the public eye. Then who pops up like magic? The Dalai Lama, that’s who. Coincidence? No. Why not? Because there’s a very good argument that they’re the same person, that’s why.

This is no joke. For months, The Punch has been secretly tracking the Twitter streams of both his Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, and His Supreme Vainness, the 43rd cricket Captain of Australia. The results are thought-provoking to say the least…

Continue reading "Is Michael Clarke the Dalai Lama?" »

For years, I avoided The Sopranos because I thought it was a show about high-pitched singers. When I realised it was actually about mobsters, I never missed an episode. Who doesn’t love gangster shows?

Until recently, I also avoided MasterChef, as I don’t much care for cooking shows. Then I learned that it, too, is in fact a show about gangsters. Now I’m glued to the thing six nights a week!

What’s this, you say? MasterChef really is actually a cooking show? Sure. And Kyle Sandilands is a good bloke. Without question, MasterChef is a show about gangsters. Let’s examine the evidence…

Continue reading "GangsterChef!" »

There are three golden rules in life: Nothing works, everything sucks and everyone you meet is either an idiot or plotting against you.

Being an optimistic and sunny sort of chap I have no problem accepting that this is all an unavoidable part of life and may even play a valuable role in shaping the human condition by teaching us humility through suffering. All I ask is that somebody pays for it.

It’s about time people who indifferently ruin other people’s lives every day were jailed alongside the criminals who do it on purpose.

Continue reading "My feet are wet, life sucks, and someone must PAY" »

Koreans make it salty, Mexicans like it spicy and Thais do an easily-digestible, boiled rice-style soup.

The British inhale beans on toast, a full English breakfast (hold the sausage, thanks) or a deliciously greasy bacon buttie;  the Turks, a generous plate of organ meat. Organ meat? Yes, really, organ meat.

Personally, it’s a toss up between peanut butter on toast, or a packet of plain Smiths crinkle cut chips. It must be crinkle cut. All washed down with a gallon of soda water and several peppermint teas.  Coffee is an absolute no, no and hair of the dog is acceptable from about midday.

We’ve shared a few more of our faves below. Please add yours in too. There are mornings when we’ll need to try them, believe us!

Continue reading "Pass the bacon milkshake: our foolproof hangover cures" »

Shame and humiliation are now par for the course. Privacy and decency are on their way out.  But let’s get one thing straight - kissing is just not made for the internet. 

A great kiss is impossible to transcend. Its magic lies in the moment; the timing, your surroundings and the person with whom you’re sharing it. Their touch, the sound of their voice and most importantly, their smell.

Without these things, a kiss is just all in your mind, right?

Continue reading "Cyberpashing? Dear internet, no. Leave love alone." »

Everyone should have a favourite cookbook. Mine are almost entirely from the 1980s (not forgetting the Women’s Weekly birthday cake book), and obviously a reminder of my parents’ flair for entertaining when I was growing up.

Epicurean, Vogue Entertaining and the Women’s Weekly dinner party series inspired many nights of cheese soufflé, poached chicken with white sauce and hand-rolled chocolate truffles. All washed down with endless glasses of chardonnay in the 1980s.

But cookbooks from the 1970s have an appeal all of their own.

Continue reading "Lost but not forgotten: top ten retro food fads" »

Are you 32 years of age or over? Are you having trouble sleeping and starting to worry more? Are your grocery bills getting bigger? Do you find yourself tuning into to daytime soaps with alarming regularity? Or turning in early so you’re fresh for the morning? Are you scolding people around you for leaving socks on the floor? Do you write thank you notes? 

Don’t panic. You are not losing your mind. You’re just entering the stage of life Hallmark calls “mum-metamorphosis.” 

By definition: an “inescapable stage of life” starting at 32 years of age where people are most likely to start inheriting maternal mannerisms, behaviour and in many cases, repeating their mum’s most favourite spoken lines.

Continue reading "The mum-metamorphosis. It will happen to you too." »

First things first. Let us pause to salute the salty goodness of crispy rashers a-fryin’ in the pan. As my naughty Jewish friends no doubt say before hoeing into their bacon and eggs, “Mmmm… sacrilicious.”

Second point of order. Let’s recognise Australian Bacon Week, and in particular the push by Australian Pork Limited for us all to consume more of the Aussie stuff. Did you know that 80 per cent of our bacon is imported? Or that some iconic Aussie bacon brands have that sneaky “made from imported and local ingredients” label on the side which MP Amanda Rishworth wrote about so eloquently on The Punch last week?

The answer, according to APL, is to make sure you buy pork products with their somewhat unimaginative pink square logo. This will ensure you are not buying imported pork, most of which comes from the EU, and most of which is Danish. APL say that the Australian Quarantine and Inspection Service does not test imported pork for chemical residues and other nasties. The EU also has some pretty dodgy pig farms. And while it is is one of several worldwide jurisdictions phasing out inhumane treatment of farmed pigs, conditions at many Danish farms are still far from pleasant, as this disturbing video shows. The question is: are things much different in Australia?

Continue reading "A sizzling, crispy salute to bacon, without the porkies" »

Readers, as we’re sure you’re well aware, The Punch is Nigeria’s main national newspaper. It is also, you may be interested to learn, an Australian news and opinion website of considerable standing.

Many of you may mistakenly believe you’ve arrived at the website of your national newspaper. No doubt, then, you’re bewildered by the lack of coverage of the trial of Judge Salami, who is charged with some very serious crimes, possibly against smallgoods. Some say he once put Spanish olives in a Greek salad. Don’t you hate that? String him up, we say.

Let us, however, be clear. This is not the online presence of said Nigerian newspaper. This is The Punch in Australia, where our coverage of the Salami trial has been minimal, to say the least. You will excuse us, we trust. And to those of you who have become our Facebook friends – you will stay friendly with us, yes? We love having you as part of our big, happy family. Truly we do.

Continue reading "Welcome, Nigerian Facebook friends. Please send money." »

This is a worthwhile little fund raising video for victims of the Christchurch earthquake from the same guys who brought us the imbeachedaz whale.

If you’d like to donate visit the Red Cross Australian and New Zealand websites.