Two thousand and twelve is a party away. Enjoy those final few cigarettes, that last packet of Tim Tams, that extra glass of wine, those lazy hours on the couch.
Revel in slouching, swearing, picking your nose and ignoring that old lady who needs help crossing the street. Behold the sum total of the vices your New Year’s resolutions will grab by the throat, tear limb from limb and consign to the bad habits of history.
For a day or two.
Latest 2 of 30 comments
There are countless stories about millionaires and their pampered thoroughbreds at this time of year. This is not one of them.
This is a story about a 74 year old bush harness racing trainer, an 84 year old owner and the slow, hopeless horse they wouldn’t send to the knackery, despite the fact it had raced 85 times without winning.
Latest 2 of 32 comments
Prepare for a week of verbal warfare. Here on the civilised side of the ditch, expect perfectly hilarious sheep jokes, gibes about silly accents and clever references to the dole queue at the Bondi Junction branch of Centrelink.
Over in the land of the long white ugg boot, expect endless tedious quips about Quade Cooper, Quade Cooper and Quade Cooper. With a few Quade Cooper jokes thrown in for good measure.
Cooper is the Wallabies fly half who grew up in New Zealand but left when he was a schoolboy because his mother wanted him to play for a team that didn’t choke every World Cup. The Kiwi version of the story is that he left in order to raise the IQ of both countries.
Latest 2 of 112 comments
Here’s the thing about having the time of your life. You only have it once. You can’t go back there.
That’s why it’s stupid for Hollywood to say they want to remake the 1987 classic Dirty Dancing.
Now, in purely business terms you can see why. There have been lots of remakes lately. But this one should be off limits.
Latest 2 of 165 comments
ALP Headquarters, Canberra, Sunday 7pm
JULIA: Well, what an incredible victory. Couldn’t have gone better if we’d tried.
VOICE AT THE BACK: Shame you didn’t try in 2010.
JULIA: Is that you Kevin?
Latest 2 of 71 comments
Michael Clarke did a very Michael Clarke thing this week. He announced, in a major interview with one of the nation’s largest tabloids, that he intends to keep a lower profile for a while.
So Clarke goes public to say he’ll be keeping out of the public eye. Then who pops up like magic? The Dalai Lama, that’s who. Coincidence? No. Why not? Because there’s a very good argument that they’re the same person, that’s why.
This is no joke. For months, The Punch has been secretly tracking the Twitter streams of both his Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, and His Supreme Vainness, the 43rd cricket Captain of Australia. The results are thought-provoking to say the least…
Latest 2 of 32 comments
For years, I avoided The Sopranos because I thought it was a show about high-pitched singers. When I realised it was actually about mobsters, I never missed an episode. Who doesn’t love gangster shows?
Until recently, I also avoided MasterChef, as I don’t much care for cooking shows. Then I learned that it, too, is in fact a show about gangsters. Now I’m glued to the thing six nights a week!
What’s this, you say? MasterChef really is actually a cooking show? Sure. And Kyle Sandilands is a good bloke. Without question, MasterChef is a show about gangsters. Let’s examine the evidence…
Latest 2 of 59 comments
There are three golden rules in life: Nothing works, everything sucks and everyone you meet is either an idiot or plotting against you.
Being an optimistic and sunny sort of chap I have no problem accepting that this is all an unavoidable part of life and may even play a valuable role in shaping the human condition by teaching us humility through suffering. All I ask is that somebody pays for it.
It’s about time people who indifferently ruin other people’s lives every day were jailed alongside the criminals who do it on purpose.
Latest 2 of 83 comments
Koreans make it salty, Mexicans like it spicy and Thais do an easily-digestible, boiled rice-style soup.
The British inhale beans on toast, a full English breakfast (hold the sausage, thanks) or a deliciously greasy bacon buttie; the Turks, a generous plate of organ meat. Organ meat? Yes, really, organ meat.
Personally, it’s a toss up between peanut butter on toast, or a packet of plain Smiths crinkle cut chips. It must be crinkle cut. All washed down with a gallon of soda water and several peppermint teas. Coffee is an absolute no, no and hair of the dog is acceptable from about midday.
We’ve shared a few more of our faves below. Please add yours in too. There are mornings when we’ll need to try them, believe us!
Latest 2 of 100 comments
Shame and humiliation are now par for the course. Privacy and decency are on their way out. But let’s get one thing straight - kissing is just not made for the internet.
A great kiss is impossible to transcend. Its magic lies in the moment; the timing, your surroundings and the person with whom you’re sharing it. Their touch, the sound of their voice and most importantly, their smell.
Without these things, a kiss is just all in your mind, right?
Latest 2 of 31 comments
Read all about it
Up to the minute Twitter chatter
The latest and greatest
Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…
I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…
In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…