Xavier Toby
Using my thought box to produce mind gems. Comedy, writing, opinion, sometimes politics.
Details of upcoming gigs and more articles at: http://www.xaviertoby.com
Articles by Xavier Toby
Why can’t I be pope?
It’s in the Catholic Rulebook, more commonly known as the Bible, that any Catholic can be Pope. The next one…... Read more
Socialising without booze is not as easy as you think
So I might have a problem. FebFast is over. Am I worried about what’s going to happen next? Yes. Very.…... Read more
Can I have a drink yet?
Okay, this Febfast thing is getting ridiculous. Two nights ago I performed in a brewery. Where all performers got unlimited…... Read more
We need to have a talk about the R-word
Hardly ever does anyone ever call anyone else a racist, to their face. It’s such a heavy allegation that people…... Read more
Shrugging off a stinky, rotten old security blanket
So, I’m Going to Stop Drinking. Alcohol, that is. Not water. That’d be impossible. Water’s in nearly everything. Fruit, meat,…... Read more
Who really cares what average Australians think?
It doesn’t matter if the election is three years or three days away, we’re constantly reminded who the most popular…... Read more
This elevator music is going down… fast.
If countries were ranked on the quality of music playing in public spaces, Australia would be third world. Shopping centres,…... Read more
At the Beckham call of the cult of personality
Is David Beckham coming to Australia? Who cares? I don’t. His overly tattooed torso, has-been right foot and toothpick wife…... Read more
Why prop up a dead industry?
Enough already, with the propping up of the auto industry. If this ongoing saga were represented graphically, it’d be a…... Read more
You know what’s a ‘deal breaker’? Deal breakers
“If he was ever an emo, that’s a deal breaker.” “If she has ever had any vajazzling, that’s a deal…... Read more
You can’t be racist to a white person. No joke
Is it possible to be racist to someone white? Be honest, we’ve all laughed at a racist joke. Depending on…... Read more
I’m no racist, just ask my trashy white friends
How racist am I? Hopefully not at all, but I’m a little confused. I’ve got two distinct groups of friends,…... Read more
A town where performers just perform for each other
Don’t punch reviewers in the face. That’s the official word from the press office after the Edinburgh Fringe officially started…... Read more
It’s not funny how much work it is being a comedian
The Edinburgh Fringe Festival runs from August 3-27. So all I need to do is turn up, do my shows…... Read more
A comedian and thousands of Scots walk into a festival…
After giving up an engineering career, and then journalism, I decided to try the one thing I’d always wanted to.…... Read more
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Recent posts
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The Punch is moving house
Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…
Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?
I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…
Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”
In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…
Nosebleed Section
choice ringside rantings
From: Hasbro, go straight to gaol, do not pass go
Tim says:
They should update other things in the game too. Instead of a get out of jail free card, they should have a Dodgy Lawyer card that not only gets you out of jail straight away but also gives you a fat payout in compensation for daring to arrest you in the first place. Instead of getting a hotel when you… [read more]From: A guide to summer festivals especially if you wouldn’t go
Kel says:
If you want a festival for older people or for families alike, get amongst the respectable punters at Bluesfest. A truly amazing festival experience to be had of ALL AGES. And all the young "festivalgoers" usually write themselves off on the first night, only to never hear from them again the rest of… [read more]Gentle jabs to the ribs
Superman needs saving
Can somebody please save Superman? He seems to be going through a bit of a crisis. Eighteen months ago,… Read more
