Emma Jane
Emma Jane (previous name Emma Tom) is an award-winning Sydney writer and broadcaster who has spent the past 23 years working in both the print and electronic media. Her column appears in The Australian every other Thursday and she freelances widely for magazines and newspapers both in Australia and overseas.
Emma is the author of six books including a novel, Deadset, which won the Commonwealth Writers’ Prize for Asia and the South Pacific for Best First Novel in 1997, and most recently, Attack of the Fifty-Foot Hormones, which was published by HarperCollins in July 2009. Her short stories and essays have also been widely published. Emma works as a senior lecturer at the University of New South Wales where she has recently completed her PhD.
Articles by Emma Jane
This latest bit of mummy porn is a total turn off
“Reader, I married him” is the low-key climax of Charlotte Brontë’s gothic, proto-feminist novel Jane Eyre. In a new “erotic…... Read more
From hot rocks to acupoints: A massage addict’s journey
All my life I’ve been a massage slut. Instead of pledging fidelity to one practitioner or technique, I’ve been a…... Read more
Sentenced to 18 days jail per second of singing
Don’t bother trying to purchase any of Pussy Riot’s music on iTunes. I tried again yesterday and there’s still nothing.…... Read more
Stakeholders required for best practice gobbledygook
Traditional signs of approaching armageddon include famines, earthquakes and (if you happen to be in a Simpsons movie) the fatal…... Read more
How’s this for 50 shades of embarrassment?
Last week I found myself in the classic bad dream scenario of standing in front of a classroom with no…... Read more
You couldn’t stomach the truth about food
Squabbling continues over whether grocery tycoons should be able to tell whoppin’ great health benefit-related porkies on the packaging of…... Read more
Amateur alchemists and the dark art of Flu Voodoo
Here in the oh-so-civilised West, we like to see ourselves as a rationally-minded bunch driven by reason and science. Every…... Read more
Vatican takes great pleasure in touching up one of its own
Masturbating nuns have been in the news a lot lately. Not in the form of yet another tacky Nude Nuns…... Read more
It’s OK to throw out those kiddie masterpieces
The development of the artistic impulse in new humans is a thing to behold. In early childhood, illustration is usually…... Read more
We must cure heteros of their unnatural ways
Let’s get one thing straight from the outset. I am not heterophobic. In fact, some of my best friends are…... Read more
I’m a Barbie Mum. How the hell did this happen?
Like every good feminist mother I said “no” when my five-year-old daughter demanded a Barbie. I said “no” and I…... Read more
This WAG Nation show simply does not commute
Hey, equality lovers! Unsure whether to get all ideologically outraged and bra burny over the new Australian reality TV show…... Read more
Women just can’t win when it comes to our appearance
As always, it’s tempting to blame everything on Ms Antithesis-of-“Germane” Greer. Bloody Germaine. Doesn’t she realise there are enough misogynists…... Read more
This week’s award for not snarking over praising kids…
Every week a newsletter is emailed from my five-year-old’s public school letting parents know which students have received merit certificates…... Read more
If only yoghurt grew on trees
Ever wondered about the origins of all that stuff you’re wearing and eating? Australian school kiddies have. And – according…... Read more
Kindergarten philosophy
My freshly kindergarten-ed daughter has been learning all sorts of stuff at her new school. Last weekend, for instance, she…... Read more
The temptation of forbidden fruit: Why I can’t Dukan
Like many Australians, I spent the Christmas holidays growing as a person. Unfortunately, I’m talking literally. Over the summer months,…... Read more
Colbert’s foray shows up the real clowns in the US circus
When talk show host Stephen Colbert announced his quasi-bid for the US presidency, he presented American voters with an embarrassing…... Read more
The joy of autosex, I mean autolicks, I mean autocorrect
Terrible news. The word on the e-street is that Apple’s super-secretive tech-heads aren’t just slaving away on a new flat…... Read more
Christmas is over but the brats need more bratz
If you’re a parent, you may think the seasonal requirement to buy your children stocking-loads of plastic crap has finally…... Read more
You don’t win friends with salad. Unless they’re women
What do women want? This question has vexed philosophers, feminists and talk show hosts since time immemorial (or at least…... Read more
Plastered parents: Santa’s not the only festive fib
To be or not to be truthful about Santa? This, for many concerned, Christmas-ing parents, is the question. I’m always…... Read more
The crusty crustacean creating a big stink
Anyone who thinks size doesn’t matter obviously hasn’t spent time with the Big Prawn in the northern New South Wales…... Read more
Waiting for God only knows what, in an airport from hell
My sympathy to all those travellers stranded at various uncomfortable airports over the weekend. But as the nation echoes with…... Read more
Neglect, not helicopter parenting, damages kids
Hello, my name is Emma Jane and I am A Very Bad Mother. Not because I neglect my four-year-old daughter…... Read more
Ms Jellybonkers’ guide to backyard bra fitting
The female bosom is rarely short of attention. High brow art. Low brow ogling. Web sites such as www.whoppin’greatboosiewahwahs.com. While…... Read more
Absent fathers and murderous mothers
The murder of 10-year-old Zahra Baker was horrific. No surprises there. Homicides are rarely known for their rainbows, fluffy puppies…... Read more
Laughing at misfortune of others a big moral dilemma
Like kitsch, schnauzer and – to a lesser extent – gemütlichkeit*, schadenfreude is one of those excitingly guttural expressions that…... Read more
With or without religion, we’re all desperately human
Fanatical Christians and fundamentalist atheists are like a couple of kids bickering in the back seat during a long car…... Read more
Don’t let that Black Dog howl so loud it drives you mad
One of the lowest points of my life came when I was a 17 year old runaway scratching out a…... Read more
The messy side of artistic genius
It’s just as well Margaret Olley didn’t work for BHP Billiton. Apart from the fact that her artistic skills wouldn’t…... Read more
Nile needs a history lesson with Socratic method
Many citizens don’t agree with Fred Nile’s bold assessment of himself as a modern-day Socrates. They argue that while the…... Read more
A letter to Australia’s traditional retailers: it’s over
Dear Traditional Australian Retailers, Finding the right words to say at a time like this is difficult so we’re going…... Read more
Supporting gay marriage just makes cents
What’s more cruel and unusual? Banning same-sex couples from getting hitched or pressuring them to do it at warp speeds…... Read more
Should fine dining be child-free?
My local pub has seen its fair share of drunk and disorderly disasters. Over the years it has survived groggy…... Read more
In our own way, we all love a little News of The World
The end of the News of the World as we know it. I can’t help but feel partly responsible. It’s…... Read more
Je n’adore pas le Tour de Bifurcating Buttocks
Welcome to July – a month when ridiculous numbers of Australians forgo rude quantities of sleep to watch a bunch…... Read more
How to raise a defiant finger to fashion
“No fat chicks” is not just a Homer Simpson-esque T-shirt slogan. It’s also the bottom line of the fashion industry.…... Read more
Lego and other weapons of mass destruction
The US Navy Seals who conducted the deadly raid on Osama bin Laden’s Pakistani compound worked under dangerous conditions. Hazardous…... Read more
Zen and the art of managing technology
It is a sunny Saturday in Sydney and an immaculately-attired family of five are standing as one to photograph their…... Read more
SlutWalkers are no slacktivists
It’s been a long time since I felt the urge to attend a street protest. During my youth, I waved…... Read more
Employment may not work for everyone
Feel like your life lacks dignity, meaning and social inclusion? The solution is easy. Simply take one full-time job and…... Read more
Osama: a frail, pathetic poser
For nearly a decade, the question of what Osama bin Laden might look like ran a close second to where…... Read more
Doing a PHD is like childbirth for the brain
People often say that writing a PhD is like giving birth to a baby. Having given both these projects a…... Read more
The art of pranking: From The Chaser to Balls of Steel
The Chaser was responsible for some fine political mischief. Most notoriously, its prankster cast exposed the absurdity of overly conspicuous…... Read more
Cash or cheque? The delicate art of marriage merchantry
When former Sydney real estate agent Mary Donaldson married Denmark’s Crown Prince Frederik in 2004, one of the couple’s first,…... Read more
When old misogyny meets new technology
Safe sex used to be simple. Step A: take one vending machine prophylactic. Step B: use it. These days, everything…... Read more
Shoosh, prudes - nude’s not rude!
Public nudity is a funny old thing. On one hand, letting it all hang out is the most natural thing…... Read more
The family values of Brothers and Sisters
Bad TV. Naughty marital upheavals. Evil, self-centred friend-tionships. This – give or take some neologistic hyperbole – is the view…... Read more
That old pink stereotype just won’t fade to black
A funny thing – actually, make that a frilly thing – happened on the way to the feminist revolution. Just…... Read more
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Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?
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Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”
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Nosebleed Section
choice ringside rantings
From: Hasbro, go straight to gaol, do not pass go
Tim says:
They should update other things in the game too. Instead of a get out of jail free card, they should have a Dodgy Lawyer card that not only gets you out of jail straight away but also gives you a fat payout in compensation for daring to arrest you in the first place. Instead of getting a hotel when you… [read more]From: A guide to summer festivals especially if you wouldn’t go
Kel says:
If you want a festival for older people or for families alike, get amongst the respectable punters at Bluesfest. A truly amazing festival experience to be had of ALL AGES. And all the young "festivalgoers" usually write themselves off on the first night, only to never hear from them again the rest of… [read more]Gentle jabs to the ribs
Superman needs saving
Can somebody please save Superman? He seems to be going through a bit of a crisis. Eighteen months ago,… Read more
