Amy Crutchfield
Amy Crutchfield is a Melbourne writer.
Articles by Amy Crutchfield
The long and the short of women’s hair
Our babysitter handed over a wad of cash last week to go a little blonder. And when I say “a…... Read more
I’m coming clean about my aversion to housework
When I approach our shelf of candy-coloured cleaning chemicals, or take the vacuum in my hand, something happens to my…... Read more
Tipple through the juleps with me
A cocktail is to a regular alcoholic beverage what a top notch stripper stripping is to your Dad getting undressed.…... Read more
What Freud would say about your underwear
The therapist is trying to relieve a pain in my knee by methodically manipulating most of the muscles from my…... Read more
Friends, frocking up, free champagne and Flemington
Flemington’s impending celebration might stop a nation, but it also gets certain sectors moving. As trainers and thoroughbreds all over…... Read more
Marriage is like democracy. It is the least worst option
My baby brother is getting married, although he isn’t quite old enough. Actually, he never will be old enough. Since,…... Read more
What do you mean you’re not allergic to wheat?
You might consider yourself in good health, but you’re probably just uninformed. With the range of conditions, deficiencies and disorders…... Read more
It’s hard to be happy when someone gets what you want
We all need to learn to be happy for other people’s success. That’s what they say. And it doesn’t sound…... Read more
I’m barking mad. How a Sheriff made my day
I don’t want to suggest that my life is lacking in excitement, or that at times the days seem to…... Read more
I’m in contention for gold in the sport of spectating
Any mug knows not to do it. You don’t grab a beanbag and the wand of audiovisual entertainment and turn…... Read more
Struggling to stay negative
Part of knowing yourself means working out the things, or perhaps the thing, you are good at. This isn’t always…... Read more
Only a blockhead would build their own home
It’s not like we’re alone. Our pea-brained, avian cousins are similarly obsessed with their homes. Were birds to take up…... Read more
The erotic fiction genre is ripe for the plucking
The first I heard about “50 Shades of Grey”, was that one friend had borrowed it from another on a…... Read more
A bother of mothers hit the road
Boys have done it forever. Often progressing through the decades from road trips as teens, to football trips in their…... Read more
Nitpicking is the lousiest thing about parenthood
You could call it the walk of shame - that stretch from the car to the school nurse’s office, when…... Read more
It’s not a party until someone loses their pants
The party I attended on Saturday night, was punctuated by a fine Australian tradition – the nudie run. Sometime after…... Read more
When you wear the right pants the ball is in your court
Gym burn-out can strike at any time. And it might not even be your hamstring or your Achilles that gives…... Read more
A bit of a bitch, and an ex I’ll never get over
Are there some exes you never get over? He was dark, he was exceptionally handsome, he was better bred than…... Read more
Love and lust in the department of foreign affairs
Travel exposes us to foreign sights, tastes and sounds – and many are remarkable, yet after a while, what may…... Read more
I’d rather have a piece of toast than listen to crap lyrics
Audiences tend to put films, novels and other texts through a wringer of meaning. If enough sense doesn’t come spurting…... Read more
Grey Nomads choosing Bordeaux over Play-doh
She checks what the time is in their far-flung time zone and then looks into the distance. It is so…... Read more
Oh New Year’s Eve, you’re such a shameless tease
New Year’s Eve, it’s such a tempestuous event. Loved so passionately by many, hated by perhaps as many others. And…... Read more
Our incredibly annoying but heartfelt Christmas traditions
The first thing that got me excited about Christmas was how seamlessly it merged with Halloween. One day the supermarket…... Read more
Poetry is NOT dorky, high school just ruins it
In most social circles being into poetry has about the same social cache as having an STD. Small children are…... Read more
The best chefs cook naked
Society is seized by an obsession with cuisine. The Masterchef empire and the cult of the celebrity chef are facets…... Read more
Best of the breast as the Spring Carnal kicks off
Something’s in the air and it’s not just a truckload of pollen. National stockpiles of Zyrtec, Tuscan Tan and ostrich…... Read more
Listen up, blokes, there’s nothing wrong with small
It takes a man to stand tall and call his a small. Especially when he’s been a normal all his…... Read more
The internet makes Playboy look like a Penguin Classic
There were six of us and we were around 10 years old. We had come together for Alice’s birthday and…... Read more
Families best shaken, not stirred or blended
The blended family is the signature dish of contemporary society. Indeed, we must be getting close to the point where…... Read more
Tossing the TV doesn’t turn kiddies into grouches
We have no TV. We’re not weird. We’re not above TV. We’re just victims of appliance violence. The guy who…... Read more
A woman’s guide to the jungle
As I approached the tram stop I saw two guys with their caps on backwards at 45 degrees to their…... Read more
Patience is a finite resource, and over-rated too
This week I lost my patience. By this I don’t mean I got a bit hot under the collar and…... Read more
Don’t let your little darlings near the Kit Kat aisle
The mere thought of taking a small child to a supermarket makes me tense. I twist up like a pretzel.…... Read more
Every house needs someone to handle those fiddly jobs
Every house needs a Designated Assembler. Presumably, some houses sprout many, where the genetic soil is of the right variety,…... Read more
Modern McTravel an exercise in escapism
You are heading for a rendezvous with an old school friend - a celebration in the destination of her choosing.…... Read more
You can never be friends with a personal trainer
In the age of specialisation and outsourcing, perhaps it is only logical that we should contract out responsibility for beating…... Read more
The getting of wisdom teeth extracted
I was number three. But by 10.30, I was at the top of the list and so was wheeled out…... Read more
Will you tell your kids you experimented with drugs?
Apparently one in four teenagers experiment with drugs. Though you’ve got to wonder whether the real hellraisers are dutifully completing…... Read more
Cinema: Culture without the boring bits
The queue of mature cinema-goers that snaked its way on Saturday night from the local art house cinema, and halfway…... Read more
Society is savage, caravans ahoy!
You don’t have to travel far for an out of this world experience. Indeed, the driveway of any caravan park…... Read more
Can you be too old to dance?
Pressure might mount on older drivers to get off the roads as they approach 80, but it’s nothing compared to…... Read more
Presenting: A guide to Christmas gift giving
For retailers, the miracle of Christmas hasn’t got anything to do with a heavily pregnant woman and a manger, but…... Read more
Punch list: how you know you’ve really arrived!
As we approach summer, its natural to do some kind of stocktake, a bit of a personal inventory of where…... Read more
Clinging to youth by a single strand of hair
You’re in a café looking at a woman with a thick mane of lustrous, golden hair atop a trim torso. …... Read more
Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah!
I’m lying in bed thinking about septagenarian Jewish men. Given I’m an agnostic in my thirties that can only mean…... Read more
Longer, stronger distortion of sexual expectations
Has there ever been one that’s pushed you too far - an advertisement that’s taken you past the silent grimace…... Read more
No wonder women don’t want to change their names
The babysitter arrives, at $25 an hour, and you slam the car door and get out of there, heading for…... Read more
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Up to the minute Twitter chatter
RT @ToryShepherd: Onya, @KRuddMP“@newscomauHQ: BREAKING: Kevin Rudd has come out in support of same sex marriage: http://t.co/CFaHrxyV5G”
RT @newscomauHQ: BREAKING: Kevin Rudd has come out in support of same sex marriage: http://t.co/2KEO6yEx5F
True Rudd style. Bazillion word folksy statement
RT @Rob_Stott: Like a lot of Republicans in the US, it's much easier to support gay marriage when you're no longer in a position to do anyt…
Recent posts
The latest and greatest
The Punch is moving house
Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…
Will Pope Francis have the vision to tackle this?
I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…
Advocating risk management is not “victim blaming”
In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…
Nosebleed Section
choice ringside rantings
From: Hasbro, go straight to gaol, do not pass go
Tim says:
They should update other things in the game too. Instead of a get out of jail free card, they should have a Dodgy Lawyer card that not only gets you out of jail straight away but also gives you a fat payout in compensation for daring to arrest you in the first place. Instead of getting a hotel when you… [read more]From: A guide to summer festivals especially if you wouldn’t go
Kel says:
If you want a festival for older people or for families alike, get amongst the respectable punters at Bluesfest. A truly amazing festival experience to be had of ALL AGES. And all the young "festivalgoers" usually write themselves off on the first night, only to never hear from them again the rest of… [read more]Gentle jabs to the ribs
Superman needs saving
Can somebody please save Superman? He seems to be going through a bit of a crisis. Eighteen months ago,… Read more
