Amy Crutchfield
Amy Crutchfield is a Melbourne writer.
Articles by Amy Crutchfield
A goose bump guide to Florence and The Machine
One great thing about art is the way each of us has our own in-built quality detector. This detector allows…... Read more
The erotic fiction genre is ripe for the plucking
The first I heard about “50 Shades of Grey”, was that one friend had borrowed it from another on a…... Read more
A bother of mothers hit the road
Boys have done it forever. Often progressing through the decades from road trips as teens, to football trips in their…... Read more
Nitpicking is the lousiest thing about parenthood
You could call it the walk of shame - that stretch from the car to the school nurse’s office, when…... Read more
It’s not a party until someone loses their pants
The party I attended on Saturday night, was punctuated by a fine Australian tradition – the nudie run. Sometime after…... Read more
When you wear the right pants the ball is in your court
Gym burn-out can strike at any time. And it might not even be your hamstring or your Achilles that gives…... Read more
A bit of a bitch, and an ex I’ll never get over
Are there some exes you never get over? He was dark, he was exceptionally handsome, he was better bred than…... Read more
Love and lust in the department of foreign affairs
Travel exposes us to foreign sights, tastes and sounds – and many are remarkable, yet after a while, what may…... Read more
I’d rather have a piece of toast than listen to crap lyrics
Audiences tend to put films, novels and other texts through a wringer of meaning. If enough sense doesn’t come spurting…... Read more
Grey Nomads choosing Bordeaux over Play-doh
She checks what the time is in their far-flung time zone and then looks into the distance. It is so…... Read more
Oh New Year’s Eve, you’re such a shameless tease
New Year’s Eve, it’s such a tempestuous event. Loved so passionately by many, hated by perhaps as many others. And…... Read more
Our incredibly annoying but heartfelt Christmas traditions
The first thing that got me excited about Christmas was how seamlessly it merged with Halloween. One day the supermarket…... Read more
Poetry is NOT dorky, high school just ruins it
In most social circles being into poetry has about the same social cache as having an STD. Small children are…... Read more
The best chefs cook naked
Society is seized by an obsession with cuisine. The Masterchef empire and the cult of the celebrity chef are facets…... Read more
Best of the breast as the Spring Carnal kicks off
Something’s in the air and it’s not just a truckload of pollen. National stockpiles of Zyrtec, Tuscan Tan and ostrich…... Read more
Listen up, blokes, there’s nothing wrong with small
It takes a man to stand tall and call his a small. Especially when he’s been a normal all his…... Read more
The internet makes Playboy look like a Penguin Classic
There were six of us and we were around 10 years old. We had come together for Alice’s birthday and…... Read more
Families best shaken, not stirred or blended
The blended family is the signature dish of contemporary society. Indeed, we must be getting close to the point where…... Read more
Tossing the TV doesn’t turn kiddies into grouches
We have no TV. We’re not weird. We’re not above TV. We’re just victims of appliance violence. The guy who…... Read more
A woman’s guide to the jungle
As I approached the tram stop I saw two guys with their caps on backwards at 45 degrees to their…... Read more
Patience is a finite resource, and over-rated too
This week I lost my patience. By this I don’t mean I got a bit hot under the collar and…... Read more
Don’t let your little darlings near the Kit Kat aisle
The mere thought of taking a small child to a supermarket makes me tense. I twist up like a pretzel.…... Read more
Every house needs someone to handle those fiddly jobs
Every house needs a Designated Assembler. Presumably, some houses sprout many, where the genetic soil is of the right variety,…... Read more
Modern McTravel an exercise in escapism
You are heading for a rendezvous with an old school friend - a celebration in the destination of her choosing.…... Read more
You can never be friends with a personal trainer
In the age of specialisation and outsourcing, perhaps it is only logical that we should contract out responsibility for beating…... Read more
The getting of wisdom teeth extracted
I was number three. But by 10.30, I was at the top of the list and so was wheeled out…... Read more
Will you tell your kids you experimented with drugs?
Apparently one in four teenagers experiment with drugs. Though you’ve got to wonder whether the real hellraisers are dutifully completing…... Read more
Cinema: Culture without the boring bits
The queue of mature cinema-goers that snaked its way on Saturday night from the local art house cinema, and halfway…... Read more
Society is savage, caravans ahoy!
You don’t have to travel far for an out of this world experience. Indeed, the driveway of any caravan park…... Read more
Can you be too old to dance?
Pressure might mount on older drivers to get off the roads as they approach 80, but it’s nothing compared to…... Read more
Presenting: A guide to Christmas gift giving
For retailers, the miracle of Christmas hasn’t got anything to do with a heavily pregnant woman and a manger, but…... Read more
Punch list: how you know you’ve really arrived!
As we approach summer, its natural to do some kind of stocktake, a bit of a personal inventory of where…... Read more
Clinging to youth by a single strand of hair
You’re in a café looking at a woman with a thick mane of lustrous, golden hair atop a trim torso. …... Read more
Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah!
I’m lying in bed thinking about septagenarian Jewish men. Given I’m an agnostic in my thirties that can only mean…... Read more
Longer, stronger distortion of sexual expectations
Has there ever been one that’s pushed you too far - an advertisement that’s taken you past the silent grimace…... Read more
No wonder women don’t want to change their names
The babysitter arrives, at $25 an hour, and you slam the car door and get out of there, heading for…... Read more
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In my sports column on The Punch tomorrow: why Eurovision was easily the best game on the weekend. Mummy bloggers, you'll like this one!
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Some sensible thoughts to stop us losing to boozing
How old were you when you first had a few drinks? There’s a good chance that by the time you turned…
Five sparky ideas from a revolutionary talkfest
If the weekend of provocative public talks TEDxSydney accepted your application to be part of their 800-strong…
Are you and your vitamins meant to be friends forever?
If you are anything like me, the ever-growing vitamin and mineral section of the pharmacy or supermarket…
Nosebleed Section
choice ringside rantings
From: They must pay for one’s bitter disappointments
Michael S says:
"A teacher at Geelong Grammar had criticised her for using words that were too long, which had left her confused and had made her doubt her ability to write essays. She became ''quite distressed'' when her English marks began to fall." I can sympathise. My scholastic mentors conveyed to me a causal relationship… [read more]From: Welfare for breeders is a bonus for everyone
Change Up! says:
I have no problem paying my taxes. As a single, childless person on a very decent income, I can afford it and not have my life severely altered. Plus I understand that my taxes paying for things like schools, childcare and infrastructure is ultimately a good thing. A better community is better for me… [read more]Gentle jabs to the ribs
They must pay for one’s bitter disappointments
A private school girl’s family is sueing her elite, extremely expensive private school for not… Read more
