You’re my mother, not my friend

marley says:

10:37am | 08/05/11

Real friends are totally non-judgemental.  Mothers are judgemental - its part of the job description.  As in: “no, you can’t stay out till midnight on a school night.” ” No, you cannot wear that mini skirt (or is it just a wide belt?) to school.”  “Yes, you’re grounded for not doing your chores/smoking/skipping classes.”

Razor says:

11:01am | 08/05/11

I suggest you reread and have a think.

She is saying the relationship between her and her daughters is a Parent-Child relationship.  Obviously some of that has crossovers with what is entailed in a friendship relationship - but it has so much more to it.

She isn’t saying you can’t have a fun time with them - however you define that - but there is so much more. Parenting also involves things that friendships don’t - setting expectations and standards of behaviour, enforcing discipline - thingds that friends don’t do and if they did it would be a bit weird.  CHildren don’t relate to their parents the same way as friends and they shouldn’t.  Friends are equals - parent child relations aren’t equal.

Bernadette says:

02:38pm | 08/05/11

If someone my age was claiming to be best friends with my teenage child (male or female) I would worry. I would be suspicious of their motives. I would not think that is a normal situation.
There is an old saying about if you get locked up good friends will be there to bail you out but best friends will be sitting in the cell next to you- well parents are the one’s who make it so you don’t end up there in the first place.
I have long felt that when people say that their parent is their best friend that is saying they have missed out on both a true parent and a true best friend in their life. Then, worse still, not even know that they are two very different relationships that are both wonderful in their own ways but can not be mixed into one person, it is just contradictory.

Happy Mothers Day all says:

04:44pm | 08/05/11

@Marley Razor and Bernadette. I did reread and I think that a parent child relationship is way too personal for anyone to have a judgment about how anyone should have a relationship with their child.

Angela says “So what’s with this need to elevate the most elemental of relationships – that between a mother and daughter – to one as fickle as friendship? It’s weird”  What I find weird is that Angela states “elevating most elemental to fickle friendship?” So Angela believes that fickle friendship are higher than the elemental daughter/mother relationship?

She then goes on to say “But apparently I’m the weird one, because a survey of women aged 21 to 54 found that 71 per cent counted their mothers among their best friends” and then Angela insists that 71% of adult mothers and daughters are wrong for having a best-friend relationship.

I truly feel sorry for her and her mum that as an adult she hasn’t managed to see her mum to be worthy of being her best friend. What a burden for a parent to have to live up to the expectation of having to raise your child till you die instead of being able to relax with them once they’ve turned adult and then being able to switch to standby mode with advice and help only if wanted and needed.

As an adult calling someone your best friend is just lovely and if this is your mum, dad, brother, sister, cousin, what is that to you? Just leave it alone.

Happy mothers day all.

BK says:

05:29pm | 08/05/11

@Marley

Pretend friends tell you what you want to hear. True friends are much more honest. I will bet that you are constantly feuding with at least one friend over some comment that no male would ever take offense over.

marley says:

07:32pm | 08/05/11

@BK - sure, friends tell you the truth, not what you want to hear - but if you make the wrong decision, true friends are there to help you pick up the pieces and tell you it’s all okay.

Parents, on the other hand, are there to make you get your act in order.  They’re going to tell you not only that you screwed up, but that it’s not okay.  Their job is to get your ready for the real world.

And as it happens, I haven’t had a feud with anyone since I was about 6 years old.  And that’s a helluva long time ago.  My best friend is a friend I’ve had for about 48 years.  We listen to one another’s struggles with life, we may argue, but we don’t judge, we don’t issue edicts, we don’t try to control one another, we provide a shoulder to cry on, and we only give advice if asked. 

Moms, on the other hand, have responsibilities to tell their kids, at least while those kids are pre-adult, that they’re screwing up, that they need to get their act together, that they are messing up their lives.  If Mom is trying to be “best friends” and avoiding the hard parts of being a parent and laying down the law to her 12 or 16 year-old, then Mom is failing to do her job.

Rose says:

12:57am | 09/05/11

I think you’ve got it wrong, I’m pretty sure Angela was highlighting the fact that the mother/child relationship is on a completely different level to that of friends. It’s more special, more enduring. My mother is not my friend, she is far more special to me than that. I have plenty of friends, but there is only one person who I’ll ever call MUM (to my mother-in-law’s eternal annoyance), because the relationship I have with my mum is unique and no one else can take her place. On the one hand we behave as friends would, we enjoy each other’s company and, for the most part this is what most people will see. On the other hand she is my compass. She is the one who can tell me that I screwed up, that my bum really does look big in that and that it’s time I pulled my head in. I can take it from her because the one thing I know about my mum is that she is always on my side, even if being on my side means telling me when I’m wrong. She is also the one who celebrates the loudest and is most proud of me when I get it right. She knows that in my forties I don’t have to do as she says or take any notice of he at all, but she still cares enough to tell me anyway. She knows me better than anyone, including myself sometimes. She is so much more to me than a friend ever could be, and I pity anyone who doesn’t have an awesome relationship with their mum, because it can’t be manufactured or duplicated. I have a theory, wouldn’t the world be a wonderful place if everyone strove to make their mother’s proud??

HB says:

10:44am | 09/05/11

You may be misunderstanding what she means when she talks about the BFF phenomonon.  It is the superficial and many times competitive realtionship that some mothers have with their daughters.  It is usually the result of a self-centered, poor self-imaged mother who tries to relate to her daughter by being the same and treating her as an equal.  There is little substance in this relationship and many fracture as the daughter has no real relationship that anchors her.
Mother/daughter relationships are much more than just friendship, the bond is much stronger especially if they have the right foundation, respect for authority.  The BFF idea is without this foundation.  The mother/daughter relationship changes as the child ages, especially once she marries or has children of her own and the two are now wives/mothers who have this common bond.  This is where the friendship aspect becomes much stronger.  My mother was not my friend when I was younger but she is now.  She will offer advice if asked and will support me if I need it.  She does not demand anything of me.  My family is close and we holiday together every year, ALL of us a big loud happy family.

Leah says:

10:51pm | 09/05/11

“Real friends are totally non-judgemental.  Mothers are judgemental”

Gosh people need to check the definition of ‘judgmental’. Saying you can’t stay out til midnight isn’t being judgmental. Being judgmental would be if the kid HAD stayed out past midnight, then the mother had said “that was wrong of you to stay out past midnight”. Seriously, check a dictionary - “involving the use or exercise of judgment.”

Besides, being judgmental is often GOOD. If I see a friend about to do something stupid, I will damn well tell her. Maybe I am being judgmental. In today’s PC age we need more people to speak up instead of cowering in fear that they’ll be damned as judgmental. Do you care for your friends or not??

Yes mothers can be judgmental. But real, good friends should be too. They should not be scared to speak up in your best interest if they think you are making a really bad decision. (This doesn’t mean condemning you every time you do something they disagree with. )

Margot says:

11:10pm | 13/07/11

What don’t you understand about this article? Angela is trying to state that she finds the TERM best friend as too small and fickle to quantify the much larger and more profound relationship between a mother and daughter.
Friends come and go,your lucky to have more than one really good friend from high school when you’re 45.Mothers don’t come and go,neither do daughters, they are a constant even after death.
I agree with Angela,your mother is your mother and that is something far greater and more encompassing than any friend could ever be.I’m glad my mother is my mother and not my “friend” because that means that no matter what happens between us,whatever is said, whoevers’ pride or ego or feelings are hurt there is always love,patience and acceptance between us.You can not count on friends the way you can count on your mum and that’s why the relationship should be set apart from friendship.

Faybian says:

09:58pm | 08/05/11

Agreed. I’m in my 40s and am friends with both of my parents and hope to be on equal footing with my daughter (23) within a few years. The relationship between parent and child is constantly evolving. I, for one don’t want to feel like “the mother” all their lives even though I may care for them as one.

Eleanor says:

10:49am | 09/05/11

True. At 22, I’ve finally realised my mum is actually a really cool person to hang around with.

Lapun says:

02:11pm | 08/05/11

After drinking Sarsparilla with my father and his friends for 2 years, I decided to do as he had always told me - “If you decide to take up beer drinking, at least do it with me, not elsewhere”.  Doing as I was told, one Saturday on my shout, I bought myself a beer.  Idiot!!!!  All hell broke loose!

libertarian vegetarian says:

11:30am | 09/05/11

LOL maybe most people don’t disagree. Or those that do are not the type to read sites such as this, they are too busy on Facebook.  They desure to be friends with your children reeks of immaturity. A parents job is to raise their children to be worthwhile members of society.  Parents are there to set boundaries and provide leadership and disipline.
When the child reaches adulthood, a form of friendship is likely to come naturally, but having your mum as your BFF is just weird.  Who would really want to tell their mother about their sex life, or talk about hers?  If both don’t have friends from their own peer group thats just plain sad. You don’t have children to make yourself a friend.

Gladys says:

06:50pm | 08/05/11

I think you could be right. It’s either 20 or marriage or children. But by 40 you should be at the point where you can say to your mother ‘I will wear my hair any damn way I want’ without guilt.