I hardly ever keep my New Year’s Resolutions, including the last two, which were Don’t Make Any More New Year’s Resolutions and Don’t Write About Making Resolutions Around The End Of December. Even my Only Drink Stirred Martinis (Not Shaken) resolution looked a bit shaky around June, when I didn’t keep my eye on a barman that had a rebellious streak and a twitchy hand.

Kardashians Kardashianing. Pic: Supplied

So I’ve decided that this year, I’m just making resolutions that are impossible to keep. That way, I figure by the end of the year I might have some kind of a record – 100 per cent of my resolutions broken. A real achievement.

Let’s see…

1. Fully support any new terms the Macquarie Dictionary decides are real words in 2012. I’ll even put fifty bucks on ‘Kardashian’ becoming a verb. Ironically of course, since verbs are ‘doing’ words, and nobody has actually seen any actual Kardashians doing actual things.

2. Vote for a party that has clearly delineated policies based on ideology rather than fickle fluctuations of public favour and sweetened bigotry. Breaking this one will be like falling off a greased log.

3. Prove that God exists. I’m not even fussy about which one.

4. Cure myself of an ailment using homeopathy. I might dilute the resolution to about one part in eight thousand, just to make it really, really strong.

5. Pay a reasonable fare for a flight that leaves on time and hasn’t run out of muffins by the time the hosties get to my seat. Also, be as awesomely badass as those people who take off their seatbelts before the ‘fasten seatbelts’ light has been switched off. They have places to go and people to see! Once the doors are open and all the people in front of them retrieve their bags from the overhead lockers and shuffle forward, that is. BADASS.

6. Understand bubble tea.

7. Understand fascinators.

8. Watch a news report about flooding without hearing the word ‘deluge’.

9. Watch a news report about bushfires without hearing the word ‘tinderbox’.

10. Watch a news report about obesity without seeing headless footage of shoppers in Pitt Street Mall.

11. Watch QandA without shouting at the television.

12. Spend my Brashs gift voucher.

13. Watch Justin Bieber, Bindi Irwin and Kyle Sandilands all complete puberty successfully.

14. Figure out why all my coathangers are different.

15. Be gay for a while. Because homosexuality is a lifestyle choice, right? I’m heterosexual now, but I’m sure I can just chop and change as the saucy whim takes me, surely? And it just wouldn’t matter if, as a gay person, I couldn’t get married if I wanted to. I’d just turn straight again, lickety split! Or even a less visually-confronting choice of words! Easy peasy, fundamentalist Christians queasy.

16. Separate my garbage and recycling properly.

17. Separate my colours and whites properly.

18. Separate the two major political parties properly, 1970s-style.

19. Learn about politics in the 1970s.

20. Stop just making numbered lists and calling it writing.

That should do it. If any of these are maintained I’ll eat my hat.

Oh.

21. Stop using eighteenth-century idioms.

Most commented

34 comments

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    • Fred says:

      06:26am | 02/01/12

      I might write a program to flood the twitter comments on Q&A. God I hate them. S.T.F.U.

      I’d also like to consume some media that doesn’t use FUD to spruik the property market. But that would mean restricting myself to the ABC and I’d end up becoming a hipster or a chardonnay socialist.

    • Steve says:

      06:43am | 02/01/12

      Love it Jo. You are a great writer!!!

    • Bob Real says:

      07:22am | 02/01/12

      I agree, very funny but hands off Kyle please. He is a mature philosopher. Check Plato’s allegory of the cave. Kyle has been out in the real world while most of us are stuck looking at the shadows in the cave. That’s why he tells us how it is and keep’s it real. 2012 - the year of Kyleism.

    • Bill says:

      06:44am | 02/01/12

      22. See the back of Jooliar.

    • Achmed says:

      07:03am | 02/01/12

      23. watch a TV interview with Abbott in which he does not use the works big bad tax…

    • mick says:

      07:43am | 02/01/12

      What about “NO” and then “NO”. 

      Lets not complain about the “big bad tax”.  I mean we can’t expect the big end of town to contribute to the national coffers can we.

    • Parranormal says:

      08:34am | 02/01/12

      Queensland has just put the public transport fares up - now they are the dearest system in the world. Thank God everyone kept their cars they are now cheapest transport option. Of course Governments dedicated to the reduction of Carbon are doing there best to make alternatives available. Why do we the battlers have to pay for these ridculas people to just design new ways to screw us. New Years Resolution - start a REVOLUTION…................ All politicians need to be reminded they serve us - not themselves. May 2012 be a year of action against the disintergration of our wonderful nation at the hands of fools…

    • jase says:

      02:31pm | 02/01/12

      Mick, the big end does contribute more than its fair share to the national coffers.

      BHP Billiton for example contributed $7.3 Billion dollars over the financial year in tax. That is company related taxes, then we have the employee’s who also contribute almost half their salaries in income tax and the GST, excise etc paid on items purchased by employees which had they not been employed, would not be buying.

      The issue with such large taxation, is that those of us who pay it, do not see any value from our input. Actually everything seems to be getting worse, roads, infrastructure etc. Don’t sit their and proclaim that they cannot afford to improve the infrastructure, when the largest proportion of tax revenue is spent on welfare and other crap.

      My income is taxed at the highest threshold because I choose to work smarter and harder, how is that fair? The incentive is to do as little as possible in this country.

      The carbon tax, is designed to further tax me, and re distribute my money to the lazy sh*ts on the dole. The facts support this, why is it that 9 out of 10 people get compensated but because I am in the 10% I am expected to contribute more?

      Thankfully their is 1000’s of ways to minimise tax, and I make sure that every possible cent is kept in my pocket. If the tax system was fair, people would not feel the need to rort the system with loopholes, but as it stands now, those of us who pay the most in tax, get the least back in terms of value.

    • Jack says:

      01:24pm | 03/01/12

      24. Read a single story on The Punch that doesn’t descend into JOOLIAR/PHONEYRABBIT within six comments, no matter how unrelated to the topic at hand.

    • nossy says:

      08:18am | 02/01/12

      Wishing Tones Abbott a wonderful new career in “whatever” after he gets aced in Rudds triumphant return to the PMship.

    • Cam says:

      11:16am | 02/01/12

      I snorted so hard I nearly choked ....

    • Sarah says:

      11:39am | 04/01/12

      @Cam

      I second that!

    • Josie says:

      08:40am | 02/01/12

      10. Watch a news report about obesity without seeing headless footage of shoppers in Pitt Street Mall.

      Just brilliant

    • Bruce says:

      08:47am | 02/01/12

      Item 2. Looks like the writer will not be voting for any political party ! Isn’t the first issue a political party has to do is reflect the wishes of the majority of voters, not the ideological needs of extreme, self interested, oportunitistic minorities ?

    • mick says:

      10:45am | 02/01/12

      Bruce -  when the population is apathetic they can do as they like.  This is how our system is working currently.

      As I have said on many occasions ..... if they intentionally lie or do other than promised in an election campaign the VOTE THE BASTARDS OUT.  This way they will not get the automatic superannuation deal which politicians have set up fir themselves, available after 2 terms in office.  This is the only way to keep the bastards honest and actually do what the majority wants.

    • Rose says:

      01:17pm | 02/01/12

      Politicians lying is actively encouraged by our media. On Adelaide Now today, Rex Jory virtually demands it of Opposition Leader Isobel Redmond…interestingly my comment calling him on it didnt make it through moderation.
      “And whether it is fair or unfair, ethical or unethical, correct or merely perception, you must, in the public mind, link State Labor with rising electricity, gas, water, sewerage, taxation, petrol and grocery costs.” (Jory)
      I would have thought that ethical journalists would seek out the truth and   call politicians to account when they lied, not to be so blatantly supportive of political dishonesty.

    • Someone says:

      06:07am | 03/01/12

      Nooooooo…... She has to vote for a political party. Otherwise I’ll end up listening to the never ending speach from Oakshott again….

    • Loula says:

      08:57am | 02/01/12

      For the love of God PLEASE STOP giving publicity to those vile Kashtrashian specimens. I immediately regret clicking on this article for that very reason.

    • Eli says:

      09:29am | 02/01/12

      Thank you Loula, you took the words right out of my mouth. The Kardashians are discusting narcistic fame wh*res. They represent a whole lot of what is wrong with society today.

    • St. Michael says:

      05:59pm | 03/01/12

      Or at least be more honest about it and publish stills from Kim Kardashian’s sex tape as the article photo.

      Kim Kardashian, rather unintentionally I think, summed herself up on her own show in metaphor: “I don’t mind being totally naked so long as I’m covered in diamonds and pearls.”

      Says it all, really.

    • Ed says:

      09:18am | 02/01/12

      This is twice now I’ve clicked on that gorgeous photo on the news.com.au page and found an article that has made my day. Thanks

    • Rob says:

      04:46pm | 02/01/12

      Well said Ed! Jo Thornely is funny, smart and gorgeous, I just wish there was one of her in Melbourne.

    • Central Coast Smiler says:

      10:53am | 02/01/12

      Went down to Ettalong this morning Jo.

      Missed seeing your smiling face.

    • stephen says:

      12:40pm | 02/01/12

      Nah, that was her down near an inlet drain with a gold-detector and a parrot on her shoulder ... ‘hey, me hearties’.

    • PG says:

      11:22am | 02/01/12

      Number 1 - Kardashians don’t do anything but there was that video of something doing a Kardashian. Maybe when it appears in the dictionary the verb Kardashian will mean “to get screwed” smile

    • ba'al says:

      11:28am | 02/01/12

      29.
      Not to post comments on the punch anymore.

    • stephen says:

      02:33pm | 02/01/12

      Look forward to your resolution ba’al.
      (Baaaahhhhhhhh.)

    • thatmosis says:

      02:06pm | 02/01/12

      What makes me laugh is that the Kardashians all seem to suffer from the same affliction, legs like tree trunks and arses that would blot out the sun if they ever got between you and it.

    • Ben H says:

      02:10pm | 02/01/12

      Fascinators, political parties, Q & A, Kardashians, Beiber and Kyle all suck. What else do they have in common? They are trivial, superficial, useless, and a complete waste of time and space. That’s why the public is focussed on them. I really hope that in 2012 more people put a plug in the source and begin to wipe away such a relentless barrage of feces.

    • PW says:

      03:13pm | 02/01/12

      Well tear a plane in the falling rain. Bastardising a 40-year old Marc Bolan lyric in the title. Thats the thing that strikes me most in this article. You can bump and grind…..

    • The Phantom says:

      04:46pm | 02/01/12

      Maybe you could resolve to be funny, Jo? That’s as improbable as the rest of your list.

    • Geoff says:

      05:00pm | 02/01/12

      30. Keep maintaining my Ludite position: - that those overpaid useless nerds under Lucerne, Suisse won’t find the Higgs Boson in 2012 or ever (I await their excuses with the boredom they deserve). In the words of the great writer Brian Wilson from one of the greatest love songs “God Only Knows”.
      31. Finish my new bathroom.

    • Pickles... The Drummer says:

      10:51am | 03/01/12

      For homeopathy I suggest 1 in 50,000 for a powerful result. Remember the water remembers the particle best when there is no particles in the solution… man what a crock, up there with ionised water, alkaline diets and Reiki.

    • patsy says:

      11:52am | 03/01/12

      Hardest NYE Resolution to keep is “Have a good time, all of the time”. I make it every year. Never kept it for long.

 

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