You won’t fool the children of the anti-resolution
I hardly ever keep my New Year’s Resolutions, including the last two, which were Don’t Make Any More New Year’s Resolutions and Don’t Write About Making Resolutions Around The End Of December. Even my Only Drink Stirred Martinis (Not Shaken) resolution looked a bit shaky around June, when I didn’t keep my eye on a barman that had a rebellious streak and a twitchy hand.
So I’ve decided that this year, I’m just making resolutions that are impossible to keep. That way, I figure by the end of the year I might have some kind of a record – 100 per cent of my resolutions broken. A real achievement.
1. Fully support any new terms the Macquarie Dictionary decides are real words in 2012. I’ll even put fifty bucks on ‘Kardashian’ becoming a verb. Ironically of course, since verbs are ‘doing’ words, and nobody has actually seen any actual Kardashians doing actual things.
2. Vote for a party that has clearly delineated policies based on ideology rather than fickle fluctuations of public favour and sweetened bigotry. Breaking this one will be like falling off a greased log.
3. Prove that God exists. I’m not even fussy about which one.
4. Cure myself of an ailment using homeopathy. I might dilute the resolution to about one part in eight thousand, just to make it really, really strong.
5. Pay a reasonable fare for a flight that leaves on time and hasn’t run out of muffins by the time the hosties get to my seat. Also, be as awesomely badass as those people who take off their seatbelts before the ‘fasten seatbelts’ light has been switched off. They have places to go and people to see! Once the doors are open and all the people in front of them retrieve their bags from the overhead lockers and shuffle forward, that is. BADASS.
6. Understand bubble tea.
7. Understand fascinators.
8. Watch a news report about flooding without hearing the word ‘deluge’.
9. Watch a news report about bushfires without hearing the word ‘tinderbox’.
10. Watch a news report about obesity without seeing headless footage of shoppers in Pitt Street Mall.
11. Watch QandA without shouting at the television.
12. Spend my Brashs gift voucher.
13. Watch Justin Bieber, Bindi Irwin and Kyle Sandilands all complete puberty successfully.
14. Figure out why all my coathangers are different.
15. Be gay for a while. Because homosexuality is a lifestyle choice, right? I’m heterosexual now, but I’m sure I can just chop and change as the saucy whim takes me, surely? And it just wouldn’t matter if, as a gay person, I couldn’t get married if I wanted to. I’d just turn straight again, lickety split! Or even a less visually-confronting choice of words! Easy peasy, fundamentalist Christians queasy.
16. Separate my garbage and recycling properly.
17. Separate my colours and whites properly.
18. Separate the two major political parties properly, 1970s-style.
19. Learn about politics in the 1970s.
20. Stop just making numbered lists and calling it writing.
That should do it. If any of these are maintained I’ll eat my hat.
21. Stop using eighteenth-century idioms.
Read all about it
Up to the minute Twitter chatter
The latest and greatest
Good morning Punchers. After four years of excellent fun and great conversation, this is the final post…
I have had some close calls, one that involved what looked to me like an AK47 pointed my way, followed…
In a world in which there are still people who subscribe to the vile notion that certain victims of sexual…