You couldn’t stomach the truth about food
Squabbling continues over whether grocery tycoons should be able to tell whoppin’ great health benefit-related porkies on the packaging of their foodstuffs.
On one hand, it seems only sensible and responsible that cereal empires be prevented from claiming that their all-natural branbiotic pooflakes guarantee digestive regularity, cancer curation, permanent age reversal, and so on.
On the other hand, what if this fetish for frankness is extended to other food domains?
No-one will give a tinker’s cuss if the aforementioned pooflakes are billed honestly as tasting like toasted cardboard and as containing more numbers than recognisable edibles as ingredients. (Mmmm! Tastes like a chocolate milkshake only calculator-y!)
But so very much of the food industry is based on lies told either by commission or omission. If fib-less-ness is enforced as a legally required food-selling policy:
* My favourite East African eatery will have to rewrite its menu entry describing its green bean side dish as offering a “fresh explosion” in the mouth (though its description of another vegetable dish as “quite green in appearance!” will probably be able to stay).
* All fast food outlets will be forced to replace their bright posters of pert burgers and nubile chippies with sad snuff shots of limp poppy seed buns oozing beige cheese, grey mayonnaise and leached lettuce shreds.
* Brussels sprouts will need to carry danger signs warning that they will taste like undeoderised underarm no matter how poshly they’re cooked.
* Sweets and lollies will be permitted to be sold in packets reading “the ability to bribe your ankle biters might very well be worth the childhood obesity”.
* Fast Food Brand X must own up that its commercially produced strawberry milkshakes contain a grand total of 59 ingredients including ethyl methylphenylglycidate or C12H14O3 (which is deemed harmless for humans but has caused testicular atrophy in rats and something called “positive sister chromatid exchange effects” in the ovaries of Chinese hamsters).
* Meat pie makers will be required to announced – in large neon letters – that their product contains bone scraps, spongy minced gristle, connective tissue composite, and buffalo perineum.
* All processed food manufacturers will have to admit that – based on recent real life product recalls – there is every chance their colas, chicken lasagnes, French fries, tinned fruits, pizzas and baguettes will accidentally contain condoms, steel bolts, bomb parts, tropical spiders, baked German cockroaches and sewing needles threaded with green cotton respectively.
Ah, yes, fellow masticators. Let’s think very carefully about this truth in food-vertising business. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson’s character from A Few Good Men: the truth? We can’t stomach the… blgghhhh…
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