Would you like a McCivet poo coffee with that?
McDonalds has bent like the proverbial river weed in the current of coffee snobbery sweeping through Australia.
No longer content to swill International Roast, cheap-a-cinos or the brown-coloured water that percolates through thrice-used grounds, Australians today demand proper coffee.
Where once it was a privilege to sup a cup of creamy latte made from beans harvested from the strained foecal matter of the rare jungle-dwelling civet, now it is a human right without which we are debased.
News.com.au reports that in the wake of devastating critiques of their McCafe coffee (with one withering consumer comparing the drop to the byproduct of the second stage of purification at the Bolivar waste treatment plant) they will now hire professional baristas and start sourcing coffee beans from plants hand-raised in the purified air of the Andes.
So have no fear, ye of the refined tastebuds. Before long, instead of dropping by your local fast food franchise for a quick, cheap caffeine fix, you can stare in wonderment as a waistcoat-clad man with Italianate pretensions and a shiny quiff froths your biodynamic milk to a creamy slurry and carves intricate leitmotifs into the organic chocolate sprinkles on your free-range-slave-trade-friendly-catpoo-foraged coffee.
Many have suggested that as part of McDonalds overblown mea culpa and promises to improve their consumables that perhaps their décor could also use a makeover.
Local Australian designers would surely leap at the chance to replace sturdy plastic with Tasmanian hardwoods; pickle-proof walls with experimental art; gaudy play equipment with zen-style gardens design to soothe eyes and spirits.
Then there are the dime-a-dozen workers, cheap labour that no longer meets the discerning aesthetic demands of today’s consumer. Who wouldn’t prefer to be greeted by the kohl-lined gaze of a former boutique owner, seduced into the now high-end glamour of your local McDonalds and prepared to lavish you with unending condescension?
Maybe McDonalds could also undergo a geographical transformation , and shift away from oversized blocks to trendy inner city alleyways, with barely visible signage and dusty bookshelves, odd angles and unrecognisable music.
They could offer grazing plates and oddly shaped homemade pastries; Chinese tea blossoms that swell to full splendour in clear teapots and quiches garnished with micro-herbs.
And because there’d be no pickles to throw, the walls could be decorated with the offerings of up-and-coming artists making heartbreaking comment on the state of today’s consumer-driven society.
Yeah, that’d be heaps better.
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