The following press release just landed on The Punch’s desk. We have decided to publish it in full.
Ja, guten tag and wilkommen to a sneak peek of ze exschiting new Auschtralian media landschcapen.
As you Auschtralians may know, ve here at ze Deutsche media group Bauer have purchased your magazine company ACP because ze private equity firm zat previously owned ACP prefers to lose money on ze markets.
Zis acquisition means a big shake-up. One of ze first changes you vill notice will be in Ze Logies, your glamorous television zeremonie, vich vill now be run with precision like never before. Ve are even considering rewarding zose personalities who actually possess ze talent, ja?
For too long, Ze Logies have rewarded all zat is mediocre and inefficient in Auschtralian television. Ve vere deeply shocked to learn zat McManus Rove once von three straight Gold Logie avards. Ve hereby promise never to allow such incompetence ever again.
Ve also understand zat Herr Daryl Somers co-hosted a recent Logies. Ve vow never again to raise ze dead in ze name of ze entertainment.
Zere has been ze suggestion zat ze Logies night vill now have a distinctly Deutsche flavour. Zis is, how can ve say, an enormous pile of scheisse.
Although ve vill serve ze Beck’s bier, zis is ze same beverage which your TV vankers drink at zeir yuppie bars any ozer day of ze week.
Ve vill also be introducing an exschiting new avard. You already have ze Gold Logie for ze best performer. Ve vill introduce a gong for ze wurst brat on television. It vill be called ze Bratwurst Logie, and vill be won by Herr Karl Stefanovic for at least ze next three years.
Herr Stefanovic vill also be MC of ze Logies next year, having assured us zat he vill halve his usual bier consumption to a dozen steins before ze zeremonie.
In ozer news, ve vould like to assure our loyal Auschtralian magazine readers zat zeir beloved titles vill maintain zeir essential character, even zough zeir vill obviously be some minor changes.
Cleo and Cosmo vill merge vith Zoo Veekly, because let’s face it, zey all have ze same level of schmut.
Burke’s Backyard vill become a beard fetish magazine, vich let’s face it, it pretty much vas anyway.
In a radical move, ve hev decided to put actual content in Ze Qantas Magazine, instead of 100 per cent advertorial.
And iconic title the Auschtralian Women’s Weekly vill merge with ze very popular German title Schnitzel Quarterly.
Vell, it has been getting crumbier for years now.
Press release ends
Ze Tvitter: @antsharwood
Comments on zis post close at 8pm Munchen time
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