The following press release just landed on The Punch’s desk. We have decided to publish it in full.

Ja, guten tag and wilkommen to a sneak peek of ze exschiting new Auschtralian media landschcapen.

Ja, 2013 vill be ze best Logies ever. Digital trickery: Dan Piotrowski. Pic: Attila Szilvasi/Supplied)

As you Auschtralians may know, ve here at ze Deutsche media group Bauer have purchased your magazine company ACP because ze private equity firm zat previously owned ACP prefers to lose money on ze markets.

Zis acquisition means a big shake-up. One of ze first changes you vill notice will be in Ze Logies, your glamorous television zeremonie, vich vill now be run with precision like never before. Ve are even considering rewarding zose personalities who actually possess ze talent, ja?

For too long, Ze Logies have rewarded all zat is mediocre and inefficient in Auschtralian television. Ve vere deeply shocked to learn zat McManus Rove once von three straight Gold Logie avards. Ve hereby promise never to allow such incompetence ever again.

Ve also understand zat Herr Daryl Somers co-hosted a recent Logies. Ve vow never again to raise ze dead in ze name of ze entertainment.

Zere has been ze suggestion zat ze Logies night vill now have a distinctly Deutsche flavour. Zis is, how can ve say, an enormous pile of scheisse.

Although ve vill serve ze Beck’s bier, zis is ze same beverage which your TV vankers drink at zeir yuppie bars any ozer day of ze week.

The cast of of Underbelly will get some pretzels into their bellies. Digital mischief by Dan Kransky Piotrowski

Ve vill also be introducing an exschiting new avard. You already have ze Gold Logie for ze best performer. Ve vill introduce a gong for ze wurst brat on television. It vill be called ze Bratwurst Logie, and vill be won by Herr Karl Stefanovic for at least ze next three years.

Herr Stefanovic vill also be MC of ze Logies next year, having assured us zat he vill halve his usual bier consumption to a dozen steins before ze zeremonie.

In ozer news, ve vould like to assure our loyal Auschtralian magazine readers zat zeir beloved titles vill maintain zeir essential character, even zough zeir vill obviously be some minor changes.

Cleo and Cosmo vill merge vith Zoo Veekly, because let’s face it, zey all have ze same level of schmut.

Burke’s Backyard vill become a beard fetish magazine, vich let’s face it, it pretty much vas anyway.

In a radical move, ve hev decided to put actual content in Ze Qantas Magazine, instead of 100 per cent advertorial.

And iconic title the Auschtralian Women’s Weekly vill merge with ze very popular German title Schnitzel Quarterly.

Vell, it has been getting crumbier for years now.

Press release ends

Ze Tvitter: @antsharwood
Comments on zis post close at 8pm Munchen time

Most commented


Show oldest | newest first

    • Bitten says:

      02:59pm | 05/09/12

      Thanks Ant smile

    • sunny says:

      05:36pm | 05/09/12

      Yeah thanks for the absolute worst photoshop-overlay-pretzel-foreground-onto-a-B-and-C-list-celebrity-group-shot I have ever witnessed. Best that they leave the pretzel foreground overlays and other computer wizardry to the chicken.

    • Mouse says:

      07:20pm | 05/09/12

      sunny, the chicken is under the pretzels. What a clever chookie!! lol :o)

    • Levi of Bris says:

      03:01pm | 05/09/12

      I like how it’s acceptable to satirise Germans because they lost the war and they are white. Maybe we should do a press release by say…Huawei, and replace every second and fifth word with “ching” and “chong” and watch the PC left work itself into an absolute frenzy

    • marley says:

      03:56pm | 05/09/12

      It’s acceptable to satirise Germans because they lost the war, won the peace, pretty much control continental Europe, build fast cars and now own a chunk of Australiana.  If you can’t satirise the rich and the powerful, who can you satirise?

    • Admiral Ackbar says:

      04:26pm | 05/09/12

      “If you can’t satirise the rich and the powerful, who can you satirise?”

      Tell that to the Jews. Boom tish.

    • marley says:

      05:06pm | 05/09/12

      @Admiral Ackbar - most of the Jews I know are neither rich nor powerful, but they do take a joke pretty well.  Anyway, this article is not about Germans but about our mindless, self-congratulatory entertainment industry.  And as far as I’m concerned, it’s spot on about Stefanovic, Daryl Somers, and wankers who drink Beck’s beer.

    • James says:

      05:19pm | 05/09/12

      ““most of the Jews I know are neither rich nor powerful, but they do take a joke pretty well. “”

      might I humbly suggest that your sample may be skewed?

      As suggested above it is perfectly fine to satirize rich and powerful demographic groups in a way that would provoke a cringe if duplicated with those seen as poor and powerless.

      Yet not if the group is Jewish. That is one group that from personal experience and from looking around the world seems to have a marvelous sense of humour, as long as said humour is at the expense of anyone but themselves.

    • marley says:

      07:02pm | 05/09/12

      @James - I have a suspicion that you don’t know many Jews.

    • Bear says:

      03:04pm | 05/09/12

      Nothing wrong with German beer girls!

    • SimpleSimon says:

      03:05pm | 05/09/12

      Ha! I had lol’s.

    • Steve says:

      03:10pm | 05/09/12

      Someones been watching too many World War Two movies.  Where was the “Achtung! Schnell.”

      And like to see you try this in any accent not from a very rich First World nation.  The Human Rights Commission would be down on you like a ton of bricks.

    • Mayday says:

      03:33pm | 05/09/12

      Sergeant Schultz “I see nothing, nothing!”

    • Rossco says:

      03:19pm | 05/09/12

      Ant zis is zis great articlen you post. You forgot referencen to ze nazi war prison of Castlen Wolfensteinen in ze deutschland where you can eat zis turkeys off ze floor and also if you are feeling a bit ze peckish you can eat ze bowls of zis dog food off for full health revival benefitzen. Do this while listening to ze David Hasselhoffen and watching Inspector Rexen for ze bonus points.

    • The grammar Nazi says:

      03:49pm | 05/09/12

      Putting ” en” on the end makes it a plural so you need to work, or arbeit, on das.

    • Mouse says:

      07:18pm | 05/09/12

      OMG…. plural Hasselhoffs!!!! Geez, that’s ruined by good nights sleep!  xo/

    • Paul J says:

      07:29pm | 05/09/12

      Inspector Rex is Austrian, just sayin’.

    • taxed citizen says:

      03:23pm | 05/09/12 your German.
      Sprechen sie deutsch?

      Ja. Volkswagen.

      Definitely nothing wrong with German beer and the girls.

    • Basil Fawlty says:

      03:25pm | 05/09/12

      Don’t mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it.

    • Mutton chops says:

      04:14pm | 05/09/12

      I’d like a prawn Goebells thanks!

    • jaki says:

      04:50pm | 05/09/12

      Schweinhund !!!

    • Felix says:

      03:31pm | 05/09/12

      Would you publish the same parody of a Middle Eastern, Indian or Asian accent?

    • TheRealDave says:

      03:39pm | 05/09/12

      I’d do it with a faux Middle Eastern accept but I can’t spell that noise you make when coughing up phlegm…..I beleive it might be the word ‘the’ since it seems to be every third of fourth word….if they were Scottish I’d assume it was the word f#$k instead….

    • taxed citizen says:

      03:41pm | 05/09/12

      Felix : that would be racist !!!

    • Hans and Fritz says:

      03:41pm | 05/09/12

      No but I think it’s universally accepted they gave us WW2 so they’re fair game for a while yet.

    • Admiral Ackbar says:

      04:35pm | 05/09/12

      Actually Churchill gave us WW2, close though.

      You’ll never see on here such a parody of any accent that belongs to any brown people, because it makes you a bad person or some such.

      It’s ok, however, to make fun of this one country because they’re white and some guy that wasn’t even born there led a genocide once. Yay jokes, I love jokes! Wakka wakka.

    • Mutton chop says:

      05:28pm | 05/09/12

      Stop turning it into a reverse racism, I dont feel sorry for myself like you. I think if youre responsible for the biggest war in history you’re fair game and even pink or orange people would also be. “we did not start it!” “yes you did you invaded Poland”!

    • John says:

      05:54pm | 05/09/12

      “No but I think it’s universally accepted they gave us WW2 so they’re fair game for a while yet. “

      It might be universally expected, but it’s not true.

    • Admiral Ackbar says:

      06:04pm | 05/09/12

      Alas, it isn’t ‘reverse racism’ as you put it Mutton chop, it’s just regular old fashioned racism. I don’t feel sorry for myself at all, just pointing out the fact that it is ok and often applauded when making parodies of white culture but frowned upon if it is anyone else. I’m quite proud of my heritage which is Dutch, not German, and I am positive that if this article were a parody of any culture or race whos physical characteristics consisted of dark skin, then there would be a lot more than 30 comments, most of which would be decrying the inherently obvious racism within. Nothing to see here, as you were.

    • marley says:

      07:07pm | 05/09/12

      @Admiral Akbar - Churchill gave us WWII?  Hmm, so the invasion of Poland by Germany on 01 Sept 1939 was somehow his fault.  By the way, Churchill became PM on 10 May 1940.  I’m not quite sure how you can blame him for something that started 7 months before he came to power.  Personally, I’d have said Hitler brought us the war.

    • TheRealDave says:

      03:33pm | 05/09/12

      I call Shenanigans. No way the wascally Krauts would hold any kind of festival without the Hoff!.

      And no mention of Sgt Shultz?!? WTF is with that?? Thats like doing an article on Un Zid without mentioning Dave Dobbin.

    • S. McWaters says:

      03:33pm | 05/09/12

      Racist. This column is not satirical or parodying. What was the point it was trying to make? It’s simply ignorant, sophomoric humor looking for a cheap laugh by going after an easy target. Shameful.

    • Horst says:

      03:57pm | 05/09/12

      It’s funny but not ha ha. Remember, we Germans aren’t all smiles and sunshine!

    • marley says:

      04:05pm | 05/09/12

      Oh, I dunno.  I don’t think this is the first article to go after either the Logies or Karl Stefanovic.  You did understand it was about them and not about the Germans?  Antony macht die sehr gut punkts -  und zie alles iss at ze expense of ze entertainment industry,  not ze deutsche volk.

    • TheRealDave says:

      04:42pm | 05/09/12

      But you do come from the ‘Land of Chocolate’....mmmmmm….chocolate…...

    • Gamer says:

      04:36pm | 05/09/12

      Ignoring the fake German accent and satire, I honestly think those are all great ideas. it’d make the logies more interesting, and he’s right about Cosmo and Cleo.

    • Gandalf says:

      04:38pm | 05/09/12

      Obviously racial vilification is only for certain colours

    • Foamheart Saltfollower says:

      05:38pm | 05/09/12

      What about orcs and trolls ya bigotted bastard?

    • LJ Dots (House of Dots exile). says:

      07:12pm | 05/09/12

      So says the long drink of water, ya heightist git.

    • marley says:

      07:20pm | 05/09/12

      Geez - doesn’t anyone get this?  This is not about Germans, it’s about us - about our incestuous entertainment industry giving awards to itself, about our trash magazines copying one another, about our talentless headliners making money out of their lack of talent.  And about us watching these damn TV awards shows and buying these magazines.

      Sure, Ant’s depiction of German accents is bad;  his depiction of their common sense in the face of our inanity is not.

    • Inky says:

      07:34pm | 05/09/12

      I think we’ve all learned that when it comes to sensetivity, Anty knows nuzink! NUZINK!

      That and I am a crass bastard at times.


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