Why Miss World contestants are sometimes not ‘native’
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the reject miscreants of a dying civilisation stole a starship and headed to Earth. Their mission? To infiltrate the fashion industry and render it unsuitable for humans.
Every now and then, humans suspect that something has gone terribly wrong. In news today, people are suspicious because the 16-year-old winner of Miss World Fiji Torika Watters doesn’t look “native” enough. According to news.com.au:
“The ugly race row has even included attacks on Watters’ hair, with many claiming the model chosen to represent the island nation should have a “buiniga” - the local word used to describe the naturally-fuzzy Fijian hairstyle.”
Now that they point it out, Miss World Australia and Miss World New Zealand (above) didn’t really look all that native.
God knows how these poor people still believe that Miss World was about representing a nation’s first people. Or second people, for that matter. Or fat people, or fuzzy-haired people or bepimpled people. Or even people at all.
Beauty pageants are just about who best embodies an arbitrary notion of perfection, a notion trumped up by these asexual aliens in small dark rooms in the heart of Paris. They meet once a year to sip on diuretics made from the gall bladders of endangered hippopotami and decide on tweaks to the idea of beauty.
Have people never wondered why, one year, bushy eyebrows are in? And the next, lurid orange? It is because these creatures have no contact with earthly creatures and are forced to pick characteristics at random from a bespoke version of Guess Who?
Goodness, I even read once that gappy front teeth were ‘in’. Who ARE these weirdos?
The point is the invasion has been entirely successful, if not flawless. While some characteristics endure – visible ribs, legs from here to ya ya, an ongoing tendency to androgyny combined with mermaid hair – others depend entirely on the fickle caprices of people whose brains have been infected with botulinum toxin.
The Miss World Fiji judges weren’t being racist, they were just obeying the fashion world hivemind, and buinigas weren’t on the list this year.
There’s every chance they will be next year, but unfortunately there’s also every chance that it will be a blonde Scandinavian extraterrestrial who has bathed in fake tan for weeks and paid hundreds for the latest in perming technology who takes home the prize.
Then the year after pale elfishness will be the thing, and the sales of whitening cream will skyrocket and eyebrows will be pruned into barely there wisps and dark curly hair will be bleached and straightened until it falls out and is washed down the drain with the tears of the pretender.
My only hope is that one day all the fashion gods will smile on me and decide that gappy teeth, a surfeit of moles, man legs, and the occasional lump of back fat will come up in their cosmic game of Guess Who? But I suspect I’m the wrong species.
A gappy Twitterer: @ToryShepherd
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