Why is everyone so bloody miserable?

murray says:

08:35am | 01/10/10

Sounds like the waahmbulance is going to be working overtime.

Bitten says:

09:22am | 01/10/10

Congratulations Tory, fabulous article that articulates so much truth. The victims of the world take note - we’re onto you and your bullsh*t.

Here’s the deal whingers: if all your jobs/relationships ‘suck’, time to grow up and acknowledge that the only common factor, is actually you.

And further to whingers: if you’ve managed to make it to 35 years of age without: losing a child to cancer; being diagnosed with a terminal illness yourself; being a victim of a violent crime; losing a family member to violent crime; then you’re doing pretty f*ing well, sunshine. Time to pull your heads out of your collective navels and stop f*ing whinging.

Paul Neri says:

09:40am | 01/10/10

One key to a degree of contentment is avoiding those wretched Joneses! You know, the people you feel you need to keep up with.

Despite their name the Joneses are often siblings and friends you grew up with.  Rivalry with these people is usually intense and unpleasant.

Dump you family, you all hate each other anyway, and make new friends - preferably ones richer than you because then you won’t feel that sullen, resentful, semi-hidden “wish-your-fine-home-burnt-down” animosity.

If the truth be known, which it should, of course, we are all quite unpleasant things.

Brent says:

10:20am | 01/10/10

I think the Dalai Lama said it best - “IF you spend your life coparing your life to others, you will never be truly happy.”

Half the problem is right there, we set our goals not on things we actually want, but things we think we want, or see others having.

hot tub political machine says:

10:28am | 01/10/10

I think Tory makes some good points but I personally have some reservations about the general idea of “buck up and sort yourself out” approach. If we only ever look within for the resources we need – its frankly exhausting and eventually there is no more blood to get from a stone. Or as Mr. Jack Johnson puts it “Its really not so hard to tell, you keep adding stones and soon the water will be lost in the well”.

I believe that as human beings we are, at our core social beings and we actually need each other a lot more than we like to admit. Forgive me for putting words in your mouth Tory but I suspect this is what you were alluding to in your point about couples spending time apart at home in the evening. Also try this experiment when you are next walking around a busy street – see if you can find one person smiling who is walking alone. See if you can find smiles on the faces of people conversing.

Sometimes we need to swallow our “self-sufficient” image and just admit we are born with a need for others. In fact – might I suggest you tell the lady or gent in your life how important they are to you this fine Friday night – I suspect you might find it’s a good evening. Anyway here is some one who said it much better than me a long time ago:

Two are better than one,
    Because they have a good reward for their labour.
    10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
    But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
    For he has no one to help him up.
    11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
    But how can one be warm alone?
    12 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
    And a threefold cord is not quickly broken

-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Wilma J Craig says:

11:17am | 01/10/10

Who needs all this nonsense of success & riches? Are they any happier? No. In fact they become the most miserable bunch of tight-wads imagineable. Are they actually rich? What do they do with their apparent financial success? They buy things. They build stupid “Ice Cream parlour” houses with 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms, a formal drawing room, some idiots call this ‘the salon’, they have family rooms with no family, they have formal dining rooms but don’t know how to hold their knife & fork or to eat with their mouths closed, they have a rumpus room for casual entertaining but are too much in debt to entertain, they have the huge swimming pool they can’t afford, or know how, to maintain. They have 5-6 car garages & fart-arse around in huge 4WDs which they never take off-road. I well remember one of these so-called ‘successful’ idiots calling into the petrol station I worked at in his massive 4WD, Armani suit & expensive hair-do who went through 6, yes 6, Credit Cards before he found one which allowed him to book up his $89 fuel purchase.
If people in the 30-45 year age group are miserable they have only themselves to blame.They are all “new money”, they have no substance, no heritage. They are all show & many will sink back to the gutters they came from. Maybe when they do get back down there they will realise that being “not rich” or successful has a whole lot going for it. Lots less stress, lots more real friends, lots more respect, less heart attacks & strokes and the Joy of Taking Responsibility.

Bob H says:

11:23am | 01/10/10

35-40 is normal for a life review.  Mortality becomes clearly visible on the horizon shuffling priorities.  Will a Mercedes or a granite kitchen worktop provide a warm satisfied glow as your doctor turns to your relatives and shakes their head.  A two hour “Work life balance” corporate presentation misses the point spectacularly, especially when you have to work late to make up the two hours spent being told to go home and engage with your family more.  Tory, you may need to review some aspects of your life, being surrounded by so many persons aspiring for MBAs (poor girl) is very disturbing and sad.  Break free from the safety of your university cocoon, fly Tory fly.

Old Duck, indeed! says:

11:42am | 01/10/10

Leo said, up there at the beginning of this post:

” feel sorry for all the men who cannot enjoy the beauty of nature because of time restrain,cannot enjoy the beauty of women without thinking of sex,and I feel sorry for the women who cannot immerse themself in laughing children “

And I felt a such a surge of loss for all those women (and men!) who cannot “immerse themselves in laughing children” - for whatever reason -  Leo, you are very wise.  Thank you - I have spent my entire life as a mother - from age 18, till my youngest left school when I was 53 - and I have worked since then, in paid work, until I became disabled - but the truth of it is that our society is completely off-track about what people need. 

From an old duck, to all of you - don’t stop to smell the roses.  Grow the roses - be happy with old furniture - laugh until your tummy aches - give yourself to life, and work is just the part of your life that provides for you - the hunt, the gathering, that is all it is.

Gracie says:

11:46am | 01/10/10

Isn’t Paul marvelous everybody

Barb says:

12:59pm | 01/10/10

So all I need to do is work out “what I want”?

But why does that seem so difficult?!!

Tim the Toolman says:

01:54pm | 01/10/10

Changing careers isn’t always easy…mine will take at least two or three years, and I’ll effectively be working two jobs whiel I do that.  Once it’s done though, I’ll be doing something I love and have far less stress (and probably less money!).

fish says:

01:55pm | 01/10/10

Well it IS a British study.  If I was living in England I’d be miserable too.

St. Michael says:

02:02pm | 01/10/10

35-40 is a perfect time for life re-evaluation not because of the first glimpse of mortality, but simply because it’s the first time people really become fully functional adults.  Brain development isn’t finished until the age of 25 or thereabouts; I posit personality formation also isn’t fixed until around that point or later.  In America they call that time, for men, the BOOM period—Becoming Ones Own Man, having sufficient maturity to really decide what they want for themselves and the personal guts to disregard the herd if that’s what’s required to make them happy.

Having said that, I despise the phrase ‘midlife crisis’, mostly because it demeans the process that one undergoes.  It’s part of living.  It’s not something to be feared or despised.  The phrase is so stereotyped that it implies you have to look down on a fellow human being who’s not happy (if not desperately unhappy) with the life they have and are trying, in their own human, fallible way, to rectify that unhappiness.

It doesn’t help that people like Tory smugly sneer at people who complan they’re unhappy and switch from job to job without becoming happy because they don’t know what they want.

How gutless is that?

Not knowing what you want is a human failing.  So is not seeing the obvious even when it’s right in front of you.  I trust people who, in their human failings, can’t see the wood for the trees.  Or at least I trust them a lot more than the snake-oil salesmen like Anthony Robbins who proclaim they Have All The Answers You Need To Make Yourself a Fulfilled Person For The Low Price Of $30.00.  I also like people with human failings a lot more than those who smugly sit in judgment on them and pat themselves on the back that they’ve got their lives all sorted out.  I like those people because they remind me that life is about the human beings around you, and that of those human beings, nobody really has it all worked out.  I like them because they remind me of Robert Browning: “Man’s reach should always exceed his grasp, or else what’s a Heaven for?”

Incidentally, why the Thought Police attitude, Tory? You seem to be whingeing that everyone from 35-40 should buck up and be the Shiny Happy People all the time.

Isn’t that precisely the “Hey, I’m fine, nothing wrong with me” attitude that Beyond Blue has been fighting for years ?

Isn’t that attitude what makes depression and mental illness such a taboo in our society - that if you’re unhappy, you shut your mouth and pretend everything’s fine? News flash: particularly for men, that attitude kills people.  Particularly men in their 40s or so.

And incidentally, admitting ignorance about what you want is the first step in finding out what you do want.

At least people moving from one job to another are doing something about addressing the space inside them that’s saying “This is not right.”  Hopefully some, if not all, of those people will actually figure out that, for them, no job working for someone is palatable, and that working for yourself is a real, proper option.

And for the record, Tory, I am on the computer a lot in the evenings while my wife watches TV.  There are two reasons for that: one, she likes to watch Junior Masterchef whilst I’d rather poke my eyes out with toothpicks than see it; and two, I’m writing.  I’m not on Facebook complaining about her because I know she and our two children are the best things that ever happened to me.  We make the time for each other, which is a big ask when you have two kids.

Kitty says:

02:07pm | 01/10/10

Great article and some insightful comments. 

I think there is perhaps a less evil twin to the ‘keeping up with the Jones/work colleagues’ syndrome however.  Does anyone else find that in simply living, spending precious time connecting with loved ones, pursing passions and trying to seize the day and grab every exciting new opportunity and experience before it flies by, they are torn in a million directions at once and endlessly running out of time?  I do.  I am not trying to get ahead of anyone else (though I’m human, I do fall into the trap of comparing myself sometimes), I’m not chasing the big dollars and I love my old house, old furniture and old car.  But I have so many things I want to be doing simulataneously and while they are all worthwhile, it’s hard to focus and truly live in the moment when feeling distracted or guilty about the opportunity cost of that minute.

Something that I read in a travel memoir helps me deal with daily insanity though so I thought I’d share the concept - basically an observation that instead of focussing so heavily on at all the things that we don’t have (a better job, clearer skin, a partner, a renovated kitchen, etc), think of how lucky we are compared to so many others and of all that we DO have (freedom, little violence, good healthcare, great education, hopefully health and loved ones etc).  And if that still doesn’t put things in perspective, then do what the article says - change your circumstances.

Nicole says:

08:34pm | 01/10/10

Hi,
I’m Nicole,
I’m 39 years old and I’m having a mid life crisis. I love Christopher Pyne. It’s all good though.
BUT
If I ever profess to have feelings towards, say, Joe Hockey, or similar, please encourage me to seek professional help.

NESLIHAN KUROSAWA says:

06:00am | 02/10/10

Hi there,
I truly believe that happiness is actually the state of the mind, not the material things that we might happen to have.  Most of our lives we strive to achieve the best in everything money and success can buy.  That is just the “human condition.  I happen to assume that you can have all that, however you can not stop the aging process itself.  Time is the most valuable asset in our lives besides our health and well being.  By the time we may reach the maturity to appreciate all that, hopefully we are older and wiser also.  We always long for the things we can not get a hold of and that is all part of being a human being.  There is nothing wrong with this “idea of having it all” and my question is remains “at what cost”.  Life is much more simple and meaningful, when we can actually determine “what truly makes us happy”.  To me, asking ourselves that particular question and searching for answers is one of the hardest things to do.  When we come up with real and meaningful answers, we should all share the knowledge and the positive energy around.  As long as we feel like we are useful and productive members of our society, there should not be any reason to unhappy anyway.  And getting to know ourselves is life long experience, somehow we do enjoy every second our lives, of it even though we may not be able to appreciate or admit that fact to ourselves.  Once we take the time to determine what is “actual happiness” and what it means to us personally, our worst worries will hopefully be behind us.  Best regards to your editors.

Sam Chowder says:

08:32pm | 02/10/10

Everybody’s unhappy, they seemed Ok last I went into town, except for the lad in the IGA.

Bec says:

12:27pm | 03/10/10

There has been a trend recently of people building up their careers and leaving marriage and children until their 30s. Wouldn’t that make some kind of contribution to people being very very stressed in their mid-30s to 40s? I know I certainly couldn’t juggle a demanding career as well as a few toddlers at home.

Grumpy Mum says:

07:54pm | 03/10/10

Oh boo hoo.  Baby boomers’ kidsare feeling the consequences of being brought up by selfish gits who are now off spending the inheritance.  Get married and have half a dozen kids, learn what your baby boomer parents never taught you; learn what life’s really about -  the answer is NOT YOU.

BookerT says:

08:41pm | 03/10/10

Would be happy not having the ALP in government (of sorts)!

Joe says:

11:34am | 04/10/10

I am 48 and I have spent the past 20 years working my butt off to try and give my kids a chance.No holidays or extensions on the house. I have already had a heart attack, a prostate the size of a watermelon,overweight,stressed, and survive on various medications that keep me going, and cost a fortune.
I work 14 hours per day as well as Saturdays.No overtime just to keep my job. It is never enough and now with the ridiculous power and water bills and taxes which the Govt just invents without any concept or understanding of how hard it is for people that do not rely on the public purse for their living. Two kids are in Uni and one in his last year at High School. Now they are learning to drive and want cars, but not keen on spending their money.Understandable when you consider the price of a house and the deposit required as well as being stuck with a HECS fee. Ah well another 20 years if I survive.I know one thing, the Govt won’t have to spend any money on a pension for me. I will leave them my body to them so they can sell what is left to generate more money for some of the overseas junkets…sorry study tours.Yes I am grumpy and depressed and have to say have not enjoyed life for the past 10 years.Just waiting for the inevitable retrenchment and then try to find a job at my age. Fat chance. I hope the Greens enjoy themselves working out a new Carbon Tax so they can hit us with it as well.Do they really believe business wil pay for this and just absorb it?

Michael says:

07:12pm | 06/10/10

Perhaps some of us are just wired that way.  I’ve just been miserable as long as I can remember - I guess hitting 35 a couple of years ago made it dip but it was hardly noticeable.  40 might be worse but who knows.

My work is about the most interesting part of my life, which at one time had me spend about a year OS on and off including some exotic locations, and now I have a job at which I can work at my own pace and hours and for which i’m paid quite adequately.  Bought my last house for cash (went halves with a brother who lives OS), and have had zero debt of any kind for nearly 10 years.  I have all I want materially (which is not much), health and reasonable fitness, brains, and lately a very good work-life balance.

But if you don’t have to worry about the `normal’ things like work or money your mind invents plenty of anxieties to keep you on your toes.  Like making telephone calls, going to the shop, or meeting new people.

And It’s all very lonely, the evenings are the worst - like now around dinner time.  A big empty and silent house with the natural light fading, and so much time on my hands I don’t know what to do with it - read too many blogs mostly, or cook or code when I have the energy (cooking for 1 is a pretty major limiting factor).  Most of my friends now have families (and are too far away) so are too busy to see during the week, and even though I have a presentable house for entertaining and I don’t have a car - i’m the one that normally goes to visit them on the weekends (apart from one single guy left who also lives alone); which hardly makes one feel loved.  I’m from a big family but they all moved out of the city, interstate or OS decades ago (including mum, and the old man died 25 years ago @ 58).  I’ve had a few mostly short relationships but I never really found ‘love’ and they usually just ended up making both of us feel even worse and so it seems better to avoid them altogether for both parties sakes.

So yeah, the past doesn’t look great and the future looks rather bleak, especially if ‘this is as good as it gets’.

Not to mention the state of the world - the oceans, land degradation, overpopulation, the pan-national oligarchy working toward a global fascist state, and all the rest.