Any serious historian will tell you that the pinnacle of Australia’s cultural achievement was when Liz Hurley agreed to marry Shane Warne. Finally we had something we could genuinely be proud of.

Shane Warne and Liz Hurley. (Eds: Please check which is which.)

There are countless reasons why their love has captivated and inspired a nation, ranging from the superficial to the deeply spiritual. Firstly, obviously, it’s a matter of aesthetics. You only have to take in the bee-stung lips, accentuated cheekbones and thick luscious hair to know that you are looking at one of the world’s great beauties, and it’s fair to say that Liz is pretty good looking too.

Secondly, it is a deep emotional connection. Nothing whispers true love like sending sweet messages of longing to your betrothed for their precious eyes alone, assuming one’s other one million followers are all doing something else at the time.

Besides, even if Warnie and Liz’s charming Twitter messages to each other did happen to be seen by someone else it wouldn’t matter, as only each of them can truly understand the other. This is partly because of the special bond that only they share and partly because Warnie’s grammar is indecipherable to anyone whose first language is English.

Indeed, so committed to the medium is Warnie that he communicates with Liz via Twitter even when they are in the same room together.

@ElizabethHurley being very supportive & giving me lots of cuddles,my future wife being very sweet & thinks I will get at least 2 wkts”

Thankfully, lest there was any doubt about the veracity of Warnie’s story, Liz confirmed: “Being v nice to @warne888.” One can only imagine their verbal interactions are just as stimulating.

But the third and most important aspect of their connection is that they have each found someone who matches their class, which is a nice way of saying neither of them has any.

What follows next is another moment of groundbreaking history: For the first and only time in my life I am going to criticise Shane Warne and defend someone from Perth.

The reason we love Warnie is because he’s a massive bogan with fake hair and a glass jaw. Like most people with a glass jaw, he thinks it’s pissfunny when anyone else gets sledged - indeed the barometer of whether a sledge is any good or not is how far Warnie is bent over laughing. But should anyone dare to take the piss out of him in even the gentlest possible way, such as by asking if he might have put on a little weight or having a seagull offer him a cigarette, he cries like a baby girl, albeit one that’s had 12 liquid pounds of botox pumped into her face.

And so when he was approached by diminutive TV sports reporter Caty Price at Perth Airport and asked why he didn’t captain his own side in their losing game in Perth you can see him cracking the sads again, refusing to answer this most benign question or even acknowledge the young woman’s existence with a mild “no comment”.

Instead he just stares straight ahead with his face completely expressionless, which again is not particularly difficult in his current condition.

Then Liz basically gives the journalist a hip-and-shoulder that would put Jason Akermanis to shame and when she is politely asked a question rounds upon the poor girl crawls up in her face and tells her to “f… off”.

Then, after a performance that would have won her a spot on Essex Girls, she struts off happy and later tweets something about finding it hard to resist pancakes.

And there it is in a nutshell: Shane and Liz might be fun to watch from a distance and seem just as friendly and down-to-earth as can be during their illiterate exchanges on social media but the truth is they are just snobs.

Were they suffering from some particular trauma or even having a bad day this might have been an understandable loss of temper but as Liz’s cheerful and carefree later tweets showed she was as happy as could be.

Rather it seems that while the couple I will now call Whurley happily gorge at the trough in corporate boxes and garden parties when it comes to things like basic manners or treating ordinary people with respect it simply doesn’t occur to them.

On the other hand if someone says or does something Warney doesn’t like on the cricket pitch he thinks nothing of throwing a cricket ball at them.

In anybody else this would be diagnosed as extreme narcissism verging on psychopathy, an apparent conviction that other people simply don’t matter and even the most basic rules of society, such as common courtesy, do not apply to them.

Imagine, for example, if a journalist or a politician or even a member of the public had done the same thing. It would be unthinkable and inexcusable. That’s why the only time you see similar behaviour on camera it’s coming from drunken thugs or a defendant exiting a courtroom.

Yet because it’s a celebrity and a sports star it’s at best a curiosity. Our adulation effectively proves them right in thinking they are above society and above the rules that make our society civil.

But, as a certain other sports star found out this week, the rules have a way of catching up with us all.

If you can read this without moving your lips follow me on Twitter here: @Joe_Hildebrand

Comments on this post will close at 6pm AEDT.

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29 comments

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    • Gregg says:

      06:32am | 19/01/13

      Joe, aside from that thrown cricket ball being a Whurley wonder of an underarm loopy toss, it is all about something you might just have a little in common with Whurley Warne.

      I’m talking of the love of course ” Secondly, it is a deep emotional connection. Nothing whispers true love “
      And we can forget the tweets and twitters that did not even give glitters in an earlier time when such love was formed, the common man love for Whurley Warne.

      You see Joe, just like Ned Kelly, that bad bandido killing machine, WW is our current day equivalent, well for some at least, maybe even for the time being for Whurley Lizzie.
      If you doubt it Joe, remember back to 2000 when the popular wish for lighting the flame was to have Warnie in V8 beastly ute, a blue heeler in the back and of course hindsight would have it a Red Dog too accelerating off a ramp with a leap of faith to flick out his lit cig for a gigantic whoof all to the background music of ” I did it my way “
      Maybe Ian Chappelli could have been singing it, or a trio of Ian, Richie and Bill! for some class ( that’s my touch ) .

      And then Joe, that common touch might just have you as our Ned of Journalism and as WW brought us Liz and the big bashing thing which maybe should have a better name like Super Slog for instance to take us some distance from bashings in case of any Indian associations, you have brought us that Dumb, Drunk and Racist laugh and perhaps a better title too, maybe something like Stupid, Pissed and Punchy would do.

      Maybe for the Whurleys in a blur Whurl, could it be stupid, pissed and whatever less not for evermore and only time will tell.

      Any chance you could work up a new show, maybe Whurleys, rude and manners? or even confessions of the Whurleys with OHilde branding.

    • craig2 says:

      06:45am | 19/01/13

      Warnie not captain the side in Perth? We talking the semi final? Every time the camera panned around, there was warnie throwing his arms around and yelling something, looks like a captains role to me. As for Liz, nothing to do with her, she’s entitled to her privacy at the time.

    • Zarquon says:

      02:18pm | 19/01/13

      That was the point craig2, he acted as captain but the Stars deliberately named someone else as skipper - so he could avoid a potential suspension if they made it to the final. It’s considered a breach of the competition rules.

    • Philip says:

      08:03am | 19/01/13

      Now let’s have an article from the harrassed person’s (sorry public figure’s) side.

      1) A “sports reporter” should have known Warne was banned form being captain.
      2) Was it set up as a press conference or were they trying to get home?
      3) I think you might react if someone had just about tripped you up!

      Just to let you know my bias - I hate “in the face” journalism.

    • Rose says:

      10:04am | 19/01/13

      While I hate in your face journalism too, I also hate celebrities who spent huge amounts of time courting any attention they can get, then getting all huffy when it doesn’t suit them.

    • NikRaf of Victoria says:

      11:17am | 19/01/13

      1 shame warne is a designated captain from that start of the season and was he banded from being captain no they tried get around the rule by playing him not as a captain

      2 it was a public place so open to be questioned

      3 she ” liz” did not have to barge in to the reporter if you had seen the vid she is not near him when the reporter asks him question or show her masterly use of the english language

      but here’s the vid of it
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TY5TUjA7MhY

    • Chillin says:

      08:03am | 19/01/13

      Journalists will never learn that they aren’t the be all and end all.  It’s an ego thing where they convince themselves they are making the world a better place and only they can do it.  Fortunately, Hurley has a right to privacy and not only was the response from the media grossly exaggerated, she didn’t even do the acts she was accused of.  Some small fish trying to make a big name for herself.

    • W J Craig (Mrs) says:

      09:06am | 19/01/13

      Joe, you MUST be joking!
      “the pinnacle of Australian Cultural achievement was when Liz Hurley agreed to marry Shane Warne”
      I know you ARE joking.
      Just who is Liz Hurley? A not very good actress-turned-model?
      Who is Shane Warne? An ageing retired cricketer who has had more face-jobs than he took wickets. His lip-job looks as if they are about to explode.
      Ever since these two hooked up we have had to put up with their silly antics, how red-hot their sex is, how bloody wonderful they both are.
      Do they really think they are the world’s replacement for the Liz Taylor/Richard Burton affair or any other of the “Great Romances” of History?
      Not in a million years.
      What’s that old adage?
      “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear”?
      The reporter says she was already standing with her back to Liz so it is unlikely, unless she has eyes in the back of her head, that she would have even seen Lizzie coming along. maybe if Lizzie had taken off those ridiculous & totally unnecessary dark glasses she would have been able to see the reporter, or anyone else for that matter, standing ahead of her & Lizzie could have changed course slightly. She didn’t she arrogantly expected everyone to get out of her way.
      Who the hell do these two think they are?

    • Geronimo says:

      09:24am | 19/01/13

      With one exception, relating to the popularity of this pair is quite familiar.  Many of my million followers identify themselves by their Sleuth-de-Plume A to Z.

    • Louise says:

      09:46am | 19/01/13

      Oh come on (above commenters) it was a simple polite question!  If Liz and Shane are incapable of handling a question from a journalist then they should go and live on some island somewhere.  Far far away preferably.

      Stop being so precious! 

      As stated above they put their lives, far more than other celebrities, out there so far via twitter, advertising, accepting celebrity payments for bloody ridiculous magazine articles where the look like idiots inducted into some white clothing religion. They do all that, intentionally put their private lives into the public arena, and then can’t answer a question?! 

      They’re pathetic!

    • josh says:

      10:12am | 19/01/13

      Hip and shoulder? I’m sorry but you obviously did not watch the same video I did, just a rude reporter getting in the way. Turn it up Joe.

    • kevin says:

      10:43am | 19/01/13

      Just a silly pair of has-beens who think they are important.
      They don’t matter in the slightest and she in particular is a nothing.

    • Tropical says:

      02:29pm | 19/01/13

      If they are has beens why do the media chase them and promote them as being VIP?

    • Sickemrex says:

      11:07am | 19/01/13

      I love your work generally Joe, but respectfully disagree on this one. The journo was in their faces, everyone has the right to not answer questions, and Hurley was nearly tripped over. I don’t think Hurley’s reaction was unreasonable.

    • NikRaf of Victoria says:

      02:40pm | 19/01/13

      you do know its only polite to answer a question when put to you , even if you only say no comment and not ignore the person don’t you ?

      hurley was nearly tripped over after barging into the reporter is what i seen on the video of it

    • Philosopher says:

      02:41pm | 19/01/13

      I love your work Sickemrex! Your answers usually sound reasonable and considered… do you really belong on the Punch?

    • Fiddler says:

      11:28am | 19/01/13

      I think these two are pretty much entitled to privacy. I would refer to them as ex-celebrities, as opposed to celebrities, given that they really aren’t making much money off their fame.

    • Martin Says says:

      01:13pm | 19/01/13

      I think Hurley should be black banned by a Union, ban her from travel like they did to Frank Sinarta until she apologizes, to that reporter , for god sake the reporter was doing her job. Personally Liz, I wish you would F@#k off.

    • King in the North says:

      01:24pm | 19/01/13

      Has Liz been in any movies in the past ten years?

    • Tropical says:

      01:57pm | 19/01/13

      Some journos have no understanding of why they are often told to engage in sex and travel.
      You know like rushing down to Tassu while the bushfires raged and askling someone when they plan to rebuild while standing in front of what remains of their homes.
      We once had a tough and respected media - not any longer.
      They are nothing more than Labor, greens, twitter, youtube and facebook repeaters which is a a sad reflection of their journalistic talent.

    • Luke says:

      02:02pm | 19/01/13

      The journo was rude and getting in the way of Shane’s fiancee when she was trying to interview him. Have some common decency and ask him questions in a manner that does not get in the way of someone trying to walk, like from the other side of Shane. However tall poppy syndrome has made Shane a “has-been” so he deserves it according to the Australian public.

    • Anjuli says:

      02:05pm | 19/01/13

      Makes you wonder if a child or a group   was in her way would she have expected them to move out of her way so she could pass like royalty . Even so don’t you just hate this age of entitlement.
      I to hate the way some journalists, do their job by asking silly questions, I think this one was doing it more politely than most.

    • Leigh says:

      02:05pm | 19/01/13

      Why would anyone be proud of liaison between two has-beens? Ah, but of course: you are addressing your comment only to the sad types who live their miserable lives through people who they, poor souls, think of as ‘celebratories’.

      Liz Hurley, who hasn’t produced any ‘work’ for yonks, would surely be closer to Warnie’s mum’s generation than she is to his – especially now that Warnie has lost years, thanks to cosmetic surgery and new hair; and we are never allowed close enough to Liz to see what she looks like these days. Get too close to her and her toy boy, and you will soon be told to f… off in the manner of a true English rose.

      Still, it takes all kinds, and these two certainly deserve each other.

    • Harquebus says:

      02:39pm | 19/01/13

      This is important because?

    • pa_kelvin says:

      03:14pm | 19/01/13

      It just is….. smile

    • PW says:

      02:54pm | 19/01/13

      “There are countless reasons why their love has captivated and inspired a nation”

      Er, you might like to speak for yourself, mate?

      Perhaps the nation of which you speak is Jolly Old Blighty, because it aint Australia.

      Now if he’d pulled a Jen Hawkins or a JLo or even a J Alba, I’d be impressed. But, although a hottie once, Hurley’s best days are 20 years behind her and gravity is relentless.

    • Rufferto says:

      03:53pm | 19/01/13

      As much as I’d be cheering at pulling Liz, doesn’t it grate knowing you got her past her best? You’re only getting part of the prize. I’d be wishing I at least had her for a while when she smoking hot.  Then again, Warneys only a stud because of who he is, not what he looks like.

    • Cheaters says:

      03:10pm | 19/01/13

      Maybe Hurley was jealous that Warne might get tempted by the much younger and better looking blonde reporter.
      Not that Shane would ever stray now would he? Would he?
      Oh dear…

    • StanleyG says:

      03:17pm | 19/01/13

      Dont be too hard on Warnie. He’s still mourning the recent death of his creator, Gerry Anderson.

 

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