What does Tracey Spicer think of this column?

Rapper Flavor Flav deserves some kind of award for referring to himself in the third person four times in the one interview.

Here’s a list of my top 20 illeists.

1. Silvio Berlusconi
The Italian Prime Minister refers to himself in the third person as the victim of left-wing judges and the media (at least, the parts of it he doesn’t control). “Without Silvio, the country would be in the hands of the left and you all know what would happen. The trials that they are going to throw against me are a farce. Long live Italy! Long live Berlusconi!” he declared.

2. Joe Biden
America’s vice president repeatedly talks about being “the best Biden he can be”.

3. Andrew Bogut
Since joining the National Basketball Association, the lanky Australian has echoed the illeists of America’s sporting elite. “This is such a great day in the life of Andrew Bogut, the family of Andrew Bogut,” said Andrew Bogut.

4. Michael Clarke
“Michael Clarke will be fine,” said Michael Clarke, shortly after he was dropped from the Test team. And, in a case of Special Subject: The Bleeding Obvious, “I’ll always be Michael Clarke and I hope that I can be successful being me”.

5. Denny Crane
I know – he’s not real. But William Shatner’s character on the TV show Boston Legal makes an art of illeism. In one episode, addressing reporters in the courthouse, he announced, “Denny Crane. My poop doesn’t smell. Comes out in pretty colors, pastels. Denny Crane.”

6. Elmo
The red Muppet has a lot to answer for, encouraging children around the world to declaim of themselves. “Elmo needs a hug,” then a slap. 

7. Matthew Hayden
Hayden is responsible for the virulent strain of illeism spreading through Australian cricket. “People still remember how the young Hayden would poke grimly round his front pad,” he once said. And, more recently, “Matthew Hayden was created in India in 2001.”

8. Jeff Fenech
“I hate that Jeff Fenech,” he once said, referring to the Marrickville Mauler of yesteryear. “I love what he represented. But I don’t like him.”

9. Flavor Flav
During an Entertainment Weekly profile, the US rapper worked in four   illeisms. On his resurgence: “Your man Flavor Flav is living! I’m sitting here doing an interview at the world-famous Ivy restaurant, with a piece of lemon inside my water. Can’t nothing be better than that.” On being down-and-out: “What happened to Flav during that time? I stayed home being a father. I got on drugs more. I got more stressed out. I kept getting arrested for driving with no license. And my personal appearance was not looking too cool.” On his new hobby, bowling: “Watch out, y’all! Flavor Flav’s first bowl of the day, right here! What’s it gonna be?” On making reality TV: “The best thing that happened to Flavor Flav was getting smacked in the face by Brigitte Nielsen and then Flavor Flav smacking the s— out of Brigitte. That’s what opened up the doors for Flavor Flav on national TV. It was a very historical moment.”

10. Rickey Henderson
Teammates reported seeing the Major League Baseball player standing naked in front of a mirror before a game, practising his swing, declaring, “Rickey’s the best! Rickey’s the best!” He once came into the clubhouse wearing a suede hat, announcing, “Rickey got a big ranch. Rickey got a big bull. Rickey got horses. Rickey got chickens and everything.”

11. Greg Inglis
The rugby league player takes it a step further, referring to himself using only initials. “People say that when big stages come, G.I. comes out, G.I. comes out to play.”

12. Michael Jordan
During a Hall of Fame acceptance speech, the basketball legend told the crowd, “Don’t be in a rush to try to find the next Michael Jordan. There’s not going to be a next Michael Jordan.”

13. Ken Lay
When Victoria’s Deputy Police Commissioner defended keeping his speeding fine secret, he repeatedly referred to himself in the third person to distance himself from the crime. “But I made that decision, I made it in good faith, and made it in the interest of making sure all Victorians were focused on slowing down and doing the right thing rather than Ken Lay doing a dumb thing and getting a speed camera fine,’’ he told reporters.

14. Benji Marshall
“The Benji I know plays with confidence,” the Wests Tigers five-eighth said last year.

15. John Mayer
The American singer is a rare beast – he’s a talking, tweeting, texting illeist. “If John Mayer has a wife and sends dirty text messages, then we got a story. And that’s why I won’t do that,” he told The Independent.

16. Richard Nixon
More than a decade before he was forced out of the White House, Nixon famously told journalists at what was purportedly his last press conference, “You won’t have Nixon to kick around any more”.

17. Mark Taylor
“Mark Taylor was one of our best batsmen last summer,” the former Australian cricket captain famously said. “If this season is Mark Taylor’s turn to miss out, so be it.”

18. Donald Trump
In a news story about the Miss Universe pageant, Donald Trump said, “I think this is the most beautiful group of women I’ve ever seen. In the old days, you got what you got. Now, Trump picks them. It makes a big difference.”

19. Michael Vick
When the American NFL quarterback pleaded guilty to a dog-fighting conspiracy charge, this was his apology: “I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to bettering Michael Vick the person, not the football player.”

20. Tiger Woods
According to Vanity Fair magazine, Tiger refers to himself in the 3rd person as “Ti”.

The last words go to British cyclist Chris Hoy, a breath of fresh air sweeping the Isle of Illeism.

“In the past 24 hours everyone has been offering an opinion on Chris Hoy,” remarked a journalist after Hoy won gold at the Beijing Olympics. “But what does Chris Hoy think of Chris Hoy?”

The cyclist responded, “Chris Hoy thinks that the day Chris Hoy refers to Chris Hoy in the third person is the day that Chris Hoy disappears up his own arse”.

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