What do you mean you’re not allergic to wheat?
You might consider yourself in good health, but you’re probably just uninformed. With the range of conditions, deficiencies and disorders available to us spreading like blood on a tissue, the odds that you really are well must be diminishing.
If you haven’t even found a puny food intolerance to call your own, you could be letting developments in the health and wellbeing industry pass you by.
Anxiety, tiredness and bloating can no longer be dismissed as part of our human condition, although that is chronic. They are symptoms in search of a diagnosis.
Similarly trouble getting out of bed in the morning, or functioning at work should not be simply attributed to tedious work duties or an accumulation of insufferable knobs in one’s workplace. These experiences have a medical explanation. And we need to look deep inside ourselves for the answers.
The good news is that the path out of ignorance is close at hand. As the wellbeing industry explodes it’s producing a wealth of readily accessible information. This information is oozing like fish oil through television, print media and the web.
Medical graduates concerned that they are perhaps too well groomed and attractive for actual medical practice can now seek work on the small screen. And members of the public too engrossed in colonic detoxificaton programs to leave home can rest assured that they will no longer need to get off the couch to be able to diagnose their problems.
“The Doctors” TV show has dedicated itself to alerting you to “the health dangers that you never even knew were making you fat, tired and sick”. Which only leaves the question of whether we will respond to these new dangers by avoiding them, or by relentlessly pursuing them, in the way we pursue so many of the dangers we have always known were making us fat, tired and sick.
If you’re not completely comfortable with the reliability of television medicine, you can always turn to journals and the traditional comfort of the printed word. You will not need to look far for one of these magazines because health and wellbeing titles are spreading across the magazine stand like tinea.
If you’re male it will be easy to identify a health and wellbeing publication with your interests at heart. You may have already noticed the magazine cover showing a DD girl wearing a AA bikini and accessorizing with ammunition. This means you are close. Now look for a cover with a hairless male.
The hairless male is the totem animal of the health and wellbeing industry. You can consider one of these depilated demi-gods a sure sign that you have found either the health magazine that you were looking for, or some quality gay porn.
A woman’s search for a health and wellbeing magazine is a little more involved. It is also allegorical. You need to go beyond fashion, but not quite as far as craft. Be on the lookout for a cover showing a woman with a happy yet vacant expression. Her expression might be suggestive of inner peace, or of the cerebral atrophy induced by a lifetime of pilates.
In any case, the look of the health and wellbeing cover girl will be quite distinct from the expression of a fashion cover girl. The fashion cover girl promises, arachnid like, to have wild sex with you, right before she consumes you.
Whereas the health and wellbeing cover girl only promises to let you have your way with her gluten-free muffins.
If you haven’t got time to pick up a magazine, and employment is inhibiting your access to daytime TV, edification is still at your fingertips. Simply google your symptoms at work.
After you have perused a few of these sources of information you will know better than to persist with any eccentric pretensions of wellness. Which is just as well, because such quaint notions sure can make you sound ignorant.
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