What a load of Goop; celebrities are no gurus
Lord save us from the celebrity lifestyle gurus.
Save us from their nettle mayonnaise and organic cotton t-shirts handmade by Guatemalan nuns and their tips on how they struggle to cope as a working woman on a paltry eight figure salary.
If there’s one person we have to thank for this inundation its Oprah Winfrey who pioneered the faux-everywoman shtick before cannily parlaying it into billion-dollar business.
For more than two decades, she force-fed her audiences a brand of knock-off spirituality in between plugging whatever brand of blender she was all jazzed about before her final bow last week.
Then, just as we were recovering from the doyenne of daytime TV’s tissue-sodden farewell, (gone, no doubt, to count her money and contemplate a run for President) Heidi Klum launched her own website offering style and parenting advice to the unwashed masses.
“Do you ever wonder how I do it all?” Klum asks readers in an intro video completely without irony.
My guess would be the $1 million pay cheque the clotheshorse is picking up for this particular gig and the 50% of revenue from ads on the site she will earn will help ease the burden.
The German supermodel follows in the Christian Louboutin-shod footsteps of Gwyneth Paltrow, whose much reviled website GOOP not only failed to transform the Oscar-winner into some sort of new age, digital Martha Stewart but made her into a figure of mass derision.
Week after week Paltrow’s missives make for gob smacking reading: She feeds her children lemon flavoured flax oil; panics when her espresso machine breaks down and stresses the importance of finding a fishmonger that will deliver.
Other handy tips for busy women include Paltrow’ regular admonishments to “police your thoughts” and “eliminate white foods,” along with her recommendations for the best Parisian hotels and how to nab reservations at some of the New York’s most exclusive restaurants.
“My life is good because I am not passive about it,” the actress wrote in one post.
So, that’s the secret. Not her rock star husband, her genetic windfall or the $10 million she can command per movie.
What makes the celebrity lifestyle guru trend so galling is they are self-proclaimed sages with no notion of what life is like without a personal macrobiotic chef, in-house Pilates trainer and a PA to Tweet for them.
They’re all women who have found fame and considerable wealth for being beautiful or chatty or passable actresses and then who seem to feel a burning need to justify their existence by building a multimedia brand all about their fabulousness.
Their mad grab for ‘regular woman’ status and their assumption their advice will resonate with readers is maddeningly arrogant.
I want my celebrities do what they’re meant to - marry, divorce, have babies, get fat, get thin, get cellulite and to never, ever tell me to try a vegan sausage again.
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