Well, if we’re gonna start redefining words…
I was delighted to learn this week that you can make up a new definition for a word and all of a sudden the dictionary will change it for you.
It was of course the Workplace Minister Bill Shorten who explained on the ABC show Q&A that “misogyny” didn’t mean what the dictionary said it did but in fact what the Prime Minister said it did and so a couple of days later the chastened editors of Macquarie Dictionary said they would change the definition accordingly.
This was a tremendously liberating development and so I now have for the dictionary some other words that urgently need redefining.
Innocent adjective A descriptive term applying to people who have used performance enhancing drugs or had sex with prostitutes or have used performance enhancing drugs in order to have sex with prostitutes but still want to keep their jobs and/or Tour de France titles.
Slipper noun An object designed to give comfort and wiggle room that gets unceremoniously kicked off at the end of the night.
Lie verb To say something that is totally true at the time and then do something that is a way better idea but you just hadn’t thought of it back then except when someone else thought of it and you said it was shit.
Trip noun A metaphysical journey through space and time brought about by a mind-altering state that results in irrational and deluded decision-making, such as giving an Order of Australia to an individual whose sole purpose is to beat us at cricket.
Robust adjective A descriptor pertaining to a high-minded contest of ideas in which each party holds strong moral values that cannot be compromised on and therefore by which the most ethically sound and thoughtfully constructed argument inevitably prevails. E.g. “Ditch the Witch.”
Battlers collective noun 1. People who are poor. 2. People who used to be poor. 3. People who are rich but trying to be richer. 4. People who listen to Alan Jones. 5. People who complain about Alan Jones. 6. People who complain about people who complain about Alan Jones.
Categorically adverb A term implied in the denial of an activity which one has enthusiastically partaken in. E.g. “I categorically deny that I have ever used prostitutes/ever taken performance enhancing drugs/ever supported WorkChoices.”
Victory noun A result which is guaranteed to ensure the destruction of the person who achieves it. E.g. “Getting the carbon tax through parliament was a great victory.”
Regional framework adjective/noun A completely chaotic and lawless environment in which piracy flourishes, some people drown and the others are locked up indefinitely. E.g. “We have to work within the regional framework.”
Wife noun A weapon similar to a firearm that can be discharged in close combat with one’s enemies. E.g. “Don’t make me pull out my wife” or “I can’t believe he deployed the wife.”
Security abstract noun A concept or idealised state characterised by meaningless violence and uncertainty perpetuated by a body whose powers are defined to render them unable to act upon anything. As in Security Guard or Security Council.
Apologise verb To make a statement in response to an earlier action which has caused offence or injury, whereby one repeats the offensive action several more times. See also: Jones, Alan
Policy noun 1. A political instrument by which governmental programs are enacted to provide benefit to the community. E.g. “It is my policy that the Leader of the Opposition has a big nose.” 2. A comprehensive and costed strategy to provide financial relief for specified segments of society. E.g. “It is my policy to give billions of dollars to rich women who have babies.” 3. A sophisticated and multi-layered international accord to facilitate geo-political harmony in the Asia-Pacific basin. E.g. “Turn back the boats.”
Joe noun An unusually handsome columnist and media commentator whose musings never fail to inform and entertain the public.
[Ah, Joe. We love you. -Ed.]
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