Readers, as we’re sure you’re well aware, The Punch is Nigeria’s main national newspaper. It is also, you may be interested to learn, an Australian news and opinion website of considerable standing.
Many of you may mistakenly believe you’ve arrived at the website of your national newspaper. No doubt, then, you’re bewildered by the lack of coverage of the trial of Judge Salami, who is charged with some very serious crimes, possibly against smallgoods. Some say he once put Spanish olives in a Greek salad. Don’t you hate that? String him up, we say.
Let us, however, be clear. This is not the online presence of said Nigerian newspaper. This is The Punch in Australia, where our coverage of the Salami trial has been minimal, to say the least. You will excuse us, we trust. And to those of you who have become our Facebook friends – you will stay friendly with us, yes? We love having you as part of our big, happy family. Truly we do.
Fact is, you Nigerians have fascinating tastes, interests and life dilemmas which we Australians can only dream of replicating.
Precious Prince Nruama, we can only wonder what “its’ complicated” means on your love status button. We just hope it works out for the best.
Ajibade Mudashiru Abiodun, that cannot – I repeat can totally not, no way, nuh-uh – be your real picture in your profile shot. And if it is, remind us never to go to a Nigerian dentist.
As for you, Victor Okanlawon. You are a Level 4 Step 2 State Water Corporation employee and former Baptist Boys High school student. Would it kill you to put a shirt on?
To you three, and to all our other Nigerian Facebook besties, we say welcome again. Most Australians know little of your country, although most of us are well aware that your capital is Niamey.
Oops, that’s Niger isn’t it. We mean Lagos. Lovely Lagos. The Casablanca of the south, as can be seen from the picture below showing the capital’s vibrant street life.
We would also like to point out that the author of this article actually read the Nigerian national novel, Things Fall Apart, at high school in Australia’s national capital Canberra, which almost no one calls the Lagos of the east. Though they would if they’ve ever been to Woden bus interchange on a Saturday night.
He would further like to note that the book was very enjoyable, and to say that the hero, Okonkwo, has the coolest name of any literary protagonist in history, and that includes Holden Caulfield and Captain Ahab.
Now to the reason for this piece. Talk, as you no doubt say in Nigeria, is cheaper than a plate of overcooked fufu.
So we would like to prove just how grateful we are for your readership, and your Facebook friendship, by making a most sincere and lucrative offer.
The Punch currently has a large sum of money which ideally, we would invest in the Australian mining industry. However, due to the impending introduction of the Australian government’s Resources Super Profit Tax, we have been informed that any such investment would be foolish in the extreme. Therefore, we have decided to invest $10 million in Nigeria instead.
In order for us to do this, we need a bank account in Nigeria, but are unable to establish one as we are not Nigerian nationals.
If you would provide details of your bank account, we will transfer the money in straight away. Promise. Just as soon you’ve transferred a fee of $A10,000 into our account to enable this transaction.
We then promise to share with you the wealth generated by our mining investment, just like the Shell corporation, who have done so much for the Nigerian economy over the years.
Thank you for your attention. We urgently await the particulars of the bank account where we can transfer the funds. This should include the account number, bank, address, telephone, fax and telex number of the bank.
Do you guys really still have telexes, by the way? We’re not sure we even know what a telex does, or did.
Anyway, farewell for now, good friends. And as you say in your Efik dialect, “Nfem”. Wait that means cockroach, doesn’t it. What we mean is “Mmu ma fien”, which as I’m sure you know, means “I love you”.
Just send the money soon, yes?
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