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We need to rethink the way we talk about suicide

Kylie Stevenson

by Kylie Stevenson

18 Sep 05:35am

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Filed under: Friends, Health, Mental Health, Relationships, Society, Suicide

38 comments

THIS week the NT News and Sunday Territorian kicked off our suicide prevention and awareness campaign, called Speak Up. So in the spirit of speaking up, I share with you the story of my friend.

Friends need to speak up for each other. Picture: Thinkstock

She was in her late 20s when someone very close to her died suddenly. It was a loss that changed her life. We could all see she was struggling - she stopped eating, she barely spoke, her face was constantly tear-streaked and she was more interested in spending time alone than with us.

Though sometimes we could distract her for short spurts and we’d share a smile or a laugh with her, none of us could take her despair away. None of us could reverse what had happened.

In a recent confession she told me she’d considered her method, made a plan, even written a note. And had one small thing - anything - pushed just a little bit harder at those negative thoughts in her head, she would not be alive now.

She told me she would fall asleep crying and wake up crying. Cry while she dressed, while she drove to work. Dry her eyes and wait until her lunch break when she could go and cry in a toilet cubicle. Dry her eyes again, wait until knockoff, and cry all the way home in her car.

She said she felt so lost and isolated. She genuinely thought no one could understand what she was going through. She just wanted the pain to stop.

A few times she said she tried to reach out to people - once it was even to a counsellor - and it failed, and it drove her even deeper into depression. For quite some time after this, she kept everything inside.

Those of us in her life dealt with this change in our friend individually.

Some friends didn’t know what to say, didn’t want to say the wrong thing, so they said nothing. They disappeared and left her feeling even more isolated.

Some became impatient with this extended period of sorrow that she couldn’t seem to shake, that they couldn’t understand.

Those of us who did stick around are the reason she’s still here. We encouraged doctors, recommended trying a different counsellor, did our best to distract her from her despair and get her out of her own head.

Even after witnessing her anguish up close, I was surprised to learn she had contemplated suicide.

She is my friend and I had no clue just how close this situation was to a life’s conclusion.

And I am the only person she’s ever told. And now I’ve told you. And now I should finally admit that my friend is me.

Suicide is not a nice topic. It makes people feel squeamish. It makes them avert their eyes.

But we can’t do this any more. In the Territory in particular it’s gotten out of control. We have to start talking about it. Start noticing people and what’s going on in their lives.

I started working on the Speak Up campaign after a friend of a friend I met at the pub told me she felt strongly that the media should report suicide.

Initially I shuddered at the thought. It’s such a personal thing. The path of depression I went down is one I don’t even like to reflect on within the confines of my own mind. It’s painful. And it’s certainly not one I have discussed openly prior to this. Even now I feel anxious about what my friends, family, colleagues and readers might think of me after having read this.

But that is exactly the problem.

If suicide were less taboo, people with thoughts of it would feel more comfortable confiding in someone. They’d know where to go for help. They’d be presented with much better options.

Friends and family would also be more aware of how to support someone going through this.

After this discussion at the pub I started becoming more aware of suicide stories in the media - and with the Senate Committee on Youth Suicides in the NT under way at the time, there were plenty of them.

And I realised this person who suggested the media take a more active role was absolutely right. If we bring the subject out into the open, we can start to make a difference. Keeping it quiet is clearly not working.

The statistics are upsetting to anyone who has heard them. But we need to remember, these are not just figures. They are people. They are our brothers, our sisters, our neighbours, our parents, our cousins, our mates. They are us.

Thankfully, when I was at the beginning of what could have been the end, I gave it one last shot - and found the support that saved my life.

Now I can’t even imagine that I felt so low that I would have contemplated such a final decision.

I think of all the things I would have missed - my friends’ weddings, the births of their children. I think of all the places I’ve visited since then that I’d have never seen and the people I’ve met in the past four years that I’d never have known.

Although I still suffer bouts of doubt, anxiety and depression, and tears still can come easily, I have the experience to realise it will eventually pass. I am a different person now to who I was then.

So in a way I did end a life - a life of pain and depression where I felt like I couldn’t get out of my own head - by reaching out to supportive people and letting them help me regain control of my life.

A life I am now ever so thankful to have.

If you need help, call Lifeline’s 24hr crisis telephone line on 13 11 14 or try the website to find more services available to you

Comments on this post will close at 8pm AEST.

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38 comments

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    • acotrel says:

      07:13am | 18/09/12

      The media are already taking an active role.  Their hyperbole and manipulation is probably responsible for a lot of people becoming depressed.  Now they are running with the issue, and profitting from it.

      Reply

    • True Blue Ozzie says:

      09:17am | 18/09/12

      @ acotrel ! It’s pretty clear that when it comes to the “Mental Health Issue” you have a very limited knowledge of this very real Medical Condition!      I suggest your time would be better spent researching this very real Medical Condition, as apposed to making ill informed comments, that serve no use to anyone other than your self! It’s ill informed peoiple like your self, that has made it so hard for ” Mental Health Suffers” to gain the understanding and Medical Services they so desperately need. Wake up!

    • John F says:

      09:41am | 18/09/12

      @ True Blue, I have no mental health problem, just a life problem. Depreshion for no reason is a mental health problem, depreshion when you do have a reason but no solution is ???
      Fill in the blank, I cant think of the words right now.

    • Bob of the freezing tropics says:

      09:52am | 18/09/12

      Acotrel, you are an absolute tosser you have no idea. Pull your freaking head and only speak of which you know and I doubt that is much. Well said Kylie, I usually disagree with most of your articles in the Sunday Territorian (probally cos I’m old!) but you are spot on this time. Knowledge is power and the more suicide is talked about the better for the community. People do not realise how common it is for mostly young kids/ adults to suicide and the totall devastation it causes extended families. Again Kylie, well done and keep on talking

    • Nathan Explosion says:

      11:55am | 18/09/12

      @John F

      You have depression resulting from a traumatic event and that is still a very valid reason. In fact, any reason for depression is valid.  Please go an see your GP to talk about your options, get a referral to a couneller. One of the nastier aspects about MDD is that you can’t do it alone.

    • OddCreature says:

      07:03pm | 18/09/12

      John F - the solution is you learn to live with it, and cope the best you can.

      I’m in a similar position myself, I can’t have meds, and counselling has never worked. The only thing that does work is I’ve learnt to recognise when I’m slipping into darkness, and what I need to do to pull myself out of that dark place. It’s not always easy, but then there’s no such thing as easy when it comes to depression.

    • John F says:

      07:34am | 18/09/12

      So now imagine what it’s like to be male, few friends to talk to, fear of losing those friends for sharing your saddness, REAL reason’s for your depreshion with problems you cant fix because there is no solution, you cant show your emotions, you slowly die inside with tears so close to the surface that never come out. If you talk to a councilour they just agree with you but there is no solution. Just the fact that someone care’s enough to ask could be all you need to wake from your darkness, but know one does.

      Reply

    • Nathan Explosion says:

      08:04am | 18/09/12

      FFS, this is not the opression Olympics. Everyone with suicidal thoughts requires and deserves help. It’s not a “Oh poor men” or “Oh, poor women” issue.

      I am not saying man up or any of that BS, but we all need to take some responsibility to put our hand up and say “I need help”. That does not make you weak, in fact it one of the strongest acts you can do.

    • Inky says:

      09:52am | 18/09/12

      And now I’m imagining oppression as an olympic event.

      Stranger things have happened, namely, solo synchronised swimming. (Yes, it really did)

    • ByStealth says:

      09:58am | 18/09/12

      I could see how it would be harder for men to reach out for help due to restrictive gender roles. We ostracise men for being weak and only offer help to those that don’t need it. Male support networks are also a lot more fragmented then those of women too.

      Because men face unique challenges in accessing support I think a gendered approach to combating depression could be helpful.

    • Nathan Explosion says:

      11:47am | 18/09/12

      @ByStealth

      Of course, but at the same time *everyone* needs to have an indivudual action plan for help. A soldier with PTSD has different needs than an sexual assult person with PTSD.

      MDD brought on by an event is different to being born with MDD. It’s not a gendered issue, it’s an individual issue. We are our own worst enemies when it comes to getting help. Blaming women doesn’t help that.

    • Grumpy says:

      12:12pm | 18/09/12

      Fact is if a man is depressed people run, if a female stumps her toe the world stops to make sure she is ok.  Depression and in particular suicide, is a far far FAAAAAARRR bigger problem amongst males. check the stats. Hardly any females commit suicide. its very rare because they are far more likely to have support from friends and family.

    • Nathan Explosion says:

      01:12pm | 18/09/12

      @Grumpy

      Do you that is because men are less likely to *ask* for help? I’m also open about my problems and have never felt any judgement for it. I was first diagnosed with MDD at 8 years old. This was compounded with PTSD from a sexual assualt at 18, and additionally diagnosed with PTSD and GAD.

      Help is there, if you ask for it. But you have to want to get better. That goes for both men and women.

    • colin says:

      09:22am | 18/09/12

      @John F 07:34am | 18/09/12

      “...you cant show your emotions…”

      The crux of your - and many men’s - problems. Don’t worry, you really aren’t any less of a man if you cry. Despite what the knuckle-draggers may say.

      Reply

    • John F says:

      11:18am | 18/09/12

      @ Colin, the thing is I spend most of my life acting the clown with everyone around me, I have tried to talk to people but it’s hard for them to empathise unless they have been through it themselves. A friend who I tried to talk to one night about it just told me to shut up “it drives people away from you, do yourself a favour and keep it to yourself”
      He is one of a number of people who have said the same sort of thing.
      I go to bed every night and wake up every morning and the same problem is there, the longer it goes on the worse it gets.
      It’s now 5 years since I have seen 2 of my daughters, I see them sometimes in the McDonalds car park when I pick up the 2 youngest once a fortnight. I know nothing about them and I hardly recognise them. There is no one who will help, there is no one I can call, there are no words or actions that can fix it.
      My ex’s relatives call me a sperm donar, sometimes I feel like they are right.

    • colin says:

      12:02pm | 18/09/12

      @John F 11:18am | 18/09/12

      John, I am being perfectly serious now. Do NOT “shut-up” about this; go and see someone who specialises in depression, RIGHT NOW.

      Idiot friends who don’t want to hear your problems are neither psychologists or - for that matter - friends.

      Take charge of this and get back your life; going to see a counsellor or a psychologist isn’t a sign of weakness.

    • Bev says:

      12:26pm | 18/09/12

      I beg to differ. 70% of male suicides in the 24 to 44 age group (the largest male suicide group) is attributed to marriage breakup and family court actions.  Is there help for this large body of men? Not bloody likely!  If there is dispute the wife will be encouraged to claim DV.
      If the man becomes depressed and talks suicide (or commits it) it is in act of DV against her according to the legislation (in all states).  The only help???  he will get is to be locked up and/or have intervention orders against him.

    • John F says:

      01:07pm | 18/09/12

      Thanks for your thoughts Colin but whats the point ?
      How do I stop loving my girls ? How can I not miss them ?
      If I found a way to deal with that then I would feel bad for not missing them.
      Why can’t I get someone to interveen in this ? Thats what I want to know. We have all these cotton wool laws regarding kids but no where is there any help to correct this problem. No one says to my ex, “you have to bring your children to this counciling service so these relationship issues can be fixed”
      I’m just one of thousands of men in the same position. As things stand it’s just hopeless at the moment, people are more worried about a child falling off a swing that the bond between a child and their parent being broken.

    • Sarahh says:

      01:56pm | 18/09/12

      John F, you’re not supposed to ever stop missing or loving your children.  You need to fight for them, but you need to fight for yourself first.  Talk to people who want to listen and can help you, the first step is to get yourself into a better place, from there the next step forward will seem a lot clearer. 

      Depression is hard, it’s like wandering around blindly in a fog and sometimes it just doesn’t go away, if you feel you need help, seek it.  If the first person you go to doesn’t help you or doesn’t take you seriously, even if it’s a doctor, go and find another one.  There are people who want to (and will) help you, it’s just finding the motivation to find them.

      I really do wish you all the best with this.

    • colin says:

      02:24pm | 18/09/12

      @John F 01:07pm | 18/09/12

      FIRST and FOREMOST, you must get yourself sorted out. Then you can seek to redress what has been done or is occurring…

      But you must come first and get yourself back on an even keel; see someone about this depression initially, then you will have strength enough to see a solicitor or some mediator to try and resolve this.

      Wishing and hoping that someone will just “fix” everything won’t work; you must get help, then ask for more help until someone actually does something…

    • @dynamic_drifter says:

      09:58am | 18/09/12

      I wonder if social media is contributing to the problem.  Kids are so engrossed, and never let their devices leave their side. Trouble is, even though they have 500+ Facebook ‘friends’, they’re still as isolated and marginalised as ever.

      All this chatter over social media is no substitute for real conversation with people that can help. FB can provide instant gratification for kids that post “Life Sux…LOL :o(” - they could get dozens of comments and “Likes” from friends. But a 50 character message over Facebook doesn’t help a youngster actually deal with the issue.

      Reply

    • Inky says:

      11:13am | 18/09/12

      I disagree. I’ve got plenty of online friends, and while a “50 character message over facebook” is certainly not going to help, I’ve certainly had plenty of deep conversations with online friends. Personally, it’s easier to open up to someone who you’ll likely never meet, who can’t use your secrets against you, tell people behind your back etc.

      So no, I disagree with your statement that talking to people online is no substitute. As with all things, there are “friends” and there are people who can actually talk to.

    • Em says:

      02:51pm | 18/09/12

      I think social media is contributing but in a different way.  Back when I was at school (a few years ago now) if you were being hounded/bullied/teased, you could go home and know you had 16 hours of “down time” before you had to face your tormenters again.  With social media now there is no “down time” and these kids are constantly barraged with comments etc that continually bring them down.  Not sure how to fix this though or even if it can be fixed, because it’s not just the kids who are doing the abusing/being abused…

    • Joseph says:

      07:50pm | 18/09/12

      Social media is definitely contributing. The culture for young people growing up is toxic. I’m not saying social media cannot be used for good but most young people do use it for instant gratification and if you say otherwise you are out of touch. The amount of self-taken pictures, drunk and naked photos you see on facebook is ridiculous. If someone is struggling with depression there is no support in social media and if they don’t have good relationships then they really have no where to turn in day to day life.

    • Greg says:

      10:02am | 18/09/12

      It needs to start at the top there needs to be more services available to people who need them without the need to jump through hoops.

      My brother committed suicide, despite the best efforts of everyone around him trying to get him help or someone to talk to but numerous government departments simply said there is nothing we can do you’re on your own.

      Reply

    • Sharon says:

      10:37am | 18/09/12

      @ Nathan, ouch! Whilst I understand that what John wrote sounds like a, poor men have it so much harder whine, I think what he is actually doing is putting his hand up and asking for help. I don’t think you intended to but you just did exactly what he was afraid would happen if he admitted he needed help.

      @ John,  I think you maybe surprised by the reaction you would get from your friends, I can’t think of a man in my life who would turn their back on a friend who needed help, but if you don’t feel comftable talking to your male friends then perhaps a female friend or relative or even a a friends partner.

      Your right, sometimes there are no solutions to our problems, I know this from personal exprience, and when this happens we need to come to a place where we can accept that this is what life has handed to us. Sometimes this acceptance is all we need to move on and sometimes our problem will remain with us long term but our acceptance allows us to put in strategies to help us cope.

      Councilers are not magic fix it all medicine men, it is not their job to offer solutions or even advice and what often seems like agreement is actually validation of your emotions, it is their job ask leading questions that help us come to our own conclusions and methods of coping.

      Nathan is right, asking for help when needed is NOT an admition of weakness, it’s a sign of strength, practicality and intelligence.

      I hope something I have written helps you in some way.

      Reply

    • Rambler says:

      11:19am | 18/09/12

      To be perfectly honest, I suffer from bouts of depression frequently. I feel alone and unloved most of the time but I don’t really feel like there’s anyone I can talk to about it. Heck, even now I’m fighting with the urge to delete this post and carry on.

      Frankly, I’m just too stubborn. Too stubborn to seek support, but at the same time too stubborn to take any negative action about it either. So life gradually rolls on, I sit there hoping to meet some awesome people but take no action to actually make it happen. Then again, the last time I tried to be friendly and outgoing, the end result was me not leaving the house for 3 months from the backlash I received from someone’s idea of a joke.

      Yeah, I’ll actually submit this post, I think, but i’m not going to use my regular punch name for it. Not even sure where I was going with this, to be honest.

      Reply

    • MikeS says:

      12:10pm | 18/09/12

      You are not alone.

    • AndrewS says:

      12:18pm | 18/09/12

      Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you have learned how to deal with it (somewhat). Yay for being stubborn!
      My advice would be to keep trying to ‘put yourself out there’ (easier said than done). There are good people out there. Good luck!
      P.S. apparently smiling, whether faking it or not, helps.

    • john says:

      12:56pm | 18/09/12

      @Rambler “Not even sure where I was going with this”.

      Nobody really knows anything about where they are going with anything in their lives.  They only think they do - to an extent they may for a little while, e.g politicians, doctors, etc, etc. if anyone tells you otherwise they are lying.

      We simply make choices and these choices take us to the next choice.

      Life’s similar to a game of snakes and ladders, regardless of what you do. Just play the game take the ladder ride up when it presents itself and ride the slippery snake and keep playing - roll the dice again.

      smile This quote often helps, and use it as required:

      http://www.facebook.com/pages/FUCK-YOU-ALL/106178682768119

    • Mother Duck says:

      12:07pm | 18/09/12

      I don’t know about this one.  I think talking about suicide can make it seems more plausible… more logical ... more of an option.  I think the issue is allowing people to share their depression and isolation ... not so much that we should talk more about suicide.  Maybe we need to train ourselves to be better at listening to people’s sadness and at times, despair.

      We are a busy society, with very few people who have the time to listen.  Remember when mothers stayed home, and met their kids at the door when they came home from school…  or you had a granma or a favourite auntie or uncle you could talk to.  We can’t just rely on professional help.  We as a society have to ask ourselves, how can we ‘do’ being a supportive society, better.

      .... and…. I know I will get roasted for this one .... I really think it helps if young people have some sort of spirituality which gives them hope beyond what they can see, hear and feel.  To have a belief in something beyond yourself, is very powerful.  My mother always said to each of us kids:  “All things are passing”.... these simple words held me fast at times when all seemed black.

      ...and a little story ... I was once at an early morning Church service, and up the back we could all hear a gentle crying… over the course of the service it got louder and more wrenching, until it was outright sobbing.  I got up and walked all the way to the back of the big Church and there sat a woman in her early twenties, sobbing.  I just sat next to her and gently put my hand on her shoulder.  She continue to cry.  At the end of the service, when everyone had gone, I asked her did she want to talk…. she told me that a member of her family had died and that she felt that she needed somewhere to go to feel better ... she said her grandmother had brought her to this church many years ago, and that she remembered the sense of comfort she had had here.  She described how she had caught buses and walked a huge distance to get here.  She told me that she just needed a place where she could cry and cry…. so I sat with her while she cried and cried. 

      When she felt a bit better I was able to help her connect with someone who could help her further if she needed it.

      Sometimes - when our need is deeper than we can express - we need to launch ourselves on a deeper spiritual quest for meaning and purpose.

      Reply

    • P. Walker says:

      12:09pm | 18/09/12

      Absolutely right there Kylie Stevenson, The Punch needs to be a little more concerned about issues of suicide.  I happened to mention part of my life dealing with suicide and they shut me out, allowed the comment, then deleted it as if it what I was going through was nothing to be concerned about.  It’s incidences like these that send people over the edge with their cowardice in dealing with posts.  Yes I reacted badly towards them via email, but surely they could see that coming if one is treated as such.  Perhaps they need a psychologist at hand when making such blatantly stupid decisions.  I am expecting this will not get through since they have blocked all my posts, we will see.  Not exactly living up to their charter of “Australia’s best Conversation”.

      Reply

    • Debbie says:

      12:54pm | 18/09/12

      Suicide is a massive problem and particularly amongst young men. Last year over a 3 month period, 5 of my immediate circle of friends had someone who was close to them commit suicide, all young men in the their teens to late 20s. It has a huge impact on the people left behind, a terrible guilt that somehow they should have seen it coming and tried to prevent it.

      Many years ago, my best friend tried to commit suicide whilst I was working overseas. I felt so guilty that I should have been there for her and able to help her, but wasn’t. Luckily for all of us she didn’t and has since gone on to get married, raise 4 wonderful children and have a great life.

      THank you Kylie for sharing your story. All of us who have suffered from depression and recovered need to speak up to help others who don’t feel able to and to make everyone realise it could be you next and to be more aware and sympathetic to others and to offer help to those that need it. Asking for help is key, and often the most difficult thing for people to do. I now know the signs in myself and go and get help as soon as I start to feel a downwards side. So far it has worked and highly recommend that others do the same

      Reply

    • Gomez12 says:

      04:32pm | 18/09/12

      Reading these comments has brought up a lot. One thing I feel compelled to ask of people is to try and remember what it is to be a friend.

      The worst part of depression is losing your friends. It is a large part of the lonliness and isolation. It feeds the feeling that nobody is there for you, nobody understands and nobody wants you around.

      A true friend will stick around, even if they can’t help you. Just to be there for and with you. And for those of you who have never suffered depression, I can’t convey in words how much that helps and means to someone who feels they have lost everything including a reason to live.

      We, as a society seem to place too much emphasis on the right now. On the good times and on what we want out of others and we fail, badly, when it comes to people who aren’t any fun at all and are unpleasant to be around for a while, even a long while. But everyone has their low points in life, everyone. And we’ll all need a friend or two to help see us through them.

      So when a friend of yours is being a pain, down, depressed and annoying and you just want to walk away and have a good time with your other, non-depressed friends, try and think about how you would feel if it was you, would you like one of your mates to make that extra effort for you? And if you just can’t be arsed, isn’t that more a reflection on you than your depressed mate?

      Reply

    • Tad says:

      06:05pm | 18/09/12

      If you committed suicide, would you really want it published in the media? I wouldn’t if it were me.

      Reply

    • Swamp Thing says:

      06:58pm | 18/09/12

      @Gomez - True that: wise words brother.

      Reply

    • Joseph says:

      07:59pm | 18/09/12

      Whilst there is no doubt there are people who suffer from depression biologically and will continue to struggle for the rest of the life, I think depression in the wider community results from a lack of meaning. The increasing secularisation of our time is toxic. We cannot give ourselves meaning and it is evident in the culture of time. Speaking for my generation importance is placed on being a gym junkie, sleeping around and going out on weekends and living it as if its your last. People are not happy because their spirit is weary!

      Reply
 
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