So the new name for Vegemite iFail ver. 3.1 is finalised and we can at last put this brand-rape of a national icon behind us.
Cheesybite. There. It’s done. And let us thank gawd they didn’t go with Creamymate (which received six per cent of the vote and sounds like a menu option at a brothel).
Anyway, let us celebrate this new name by going and buying a nice big jar of the original (ver 1.0) and be happy.
You know those big 750ml ones that always go way too mangey by the time you get to the end of it?
The one that you can’t trawl a nice wad of veg out of without draping ur hand in brown.
Original is king. What is it that makes a good vegemite toast? Let’s get serious for a second.
Some like it light. A little sprinkle of yeast on wholemeal so you’re not just having buttered bread. The Vegemite website calls this type “The Streaker’‘: “Gives the toast just a couple of light streaks,’’ the website reads. “Too frugal-they don’t realise you can never have too much of a good thing.’‘
Others prefer a medium smear. Enough to get a little taste of salty heaven without clogging you arteries. Kraft calls this type “The slapper”: “Loose with the way they apply their Vegemite, it’s slapped on like a brickie with a trowel. Could indicate this person is particularly unorganised, probably shows they’re just in a hurry to eat breakfast.’‘
These options are all rookie errors. If you’re gonna do it, do it properly.
I don’t want to see a single bit of bread. I want my vege toast to burn my mouth and wreck my breath. I want it to offend my senses. I want people by lunchtime to know I had an overdose of vegemite for breakfast.
The trick with making a good vegemite toast is to be standing, knife in hand at the toaster when it pops.
That way you can slap the butter on the steaming toast straight away, allowing it to melt into the bread which makes it easier to spread on the brown gold. Vegemite needs to mix with the butter not just sit on top.
Vegemite toast cold is not an option.
White Tip Top’s the one (good on ya mum) because it stays smooth when you spread. Any cheaper brand or multigrain will gunk up in those little balls of doughy slop.
Vegemite deserves better than that.
Don’t cut off the crusts. Fold them up so you have a little vege-trough.
The amount of Vegemite you have should correlate directly to how hungover you are. The more Vege the more salt and vitamin B and the more your uneven post-booze pH levels will be neutralised.
Once the spread is perfected, arrange from least smooth to smoothest piece and eat in that order. Don’t be afraid to be a perfectionist.
If mum’s around. Get her to make it. It always tastes better.
Long live Vegemite 1.0.
Alex Dickinson is a reporter for MX. This article also appears there.
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