Vegemite: how you eat it is what counts

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07 Oct 10:41am

Filed under: Isnack2.0, Marketing, Vegemite

So the new name for Vegemite iFail ver. 3.1 is finalised and we can at last put this brand-rape of a national icon behind us.

How do you eat your Vegemite?

Cheesybite. There. It’s done. And let us thank gawd they didn’t go with Creamymate (which received six per cent of the vote and sounds like a menu option at a brothel).

Anyway, let us celebrate this new name by going and buying a nice big jar of the original (ver 1.0) and be happy.

You know those big 750ml ones that always go way too mangey by the time you get to the end of it?

The one that you can’t trawl a nice wad of veg out of without draping ur hand in brown.

Original is king. What is it that makes a good vegemite toast? Let’s get serious for a second.

Some like it light. A little sprinkle of yeast on wholemeal so you’re not just having buttered bread. The Vegemite website calls this type “The Streaker’‘: “Gives the toast just a couple of light streaks,’’ the website reads. “Too frugal-they don’t realise you can never have too much of a good thing.’‘

Others prefer a medium smear. Enough to get a little taste of salty heaven without clogging you arteries. Kraft calls this type “The slapper”: “Loose with the way they apply their Vegemite, it’s slapped on like a brickie with a trowel. Could indicate this person is particularly unorganised, probably shows they’re just in a hurry to eat breakfast.’‘

These options are all rookie errors. If you’re gonna do it, do it properly.

I don’t want to see a single bit of bread. I want my vege toast to burn my mouth and wreck my breath. I want it to offend my senses. I want people by lunchtime to know I had an overdose of vegemite for breakfast.

The trick with making a good vegemite toast is to be standing, knife in hand at the toaster when it pops.

That way you can slap the butter on the steaming toast straight away, allowing it to melt into the bread which makes it easier to spread on the brown gold. Vegemite needs to mix with the butter not just sit on top.

Vegemite toast cold is not an option.

White Tip Top’s the one (good on ya mum) because it stays smooth when you spread. Any cheaper brand or multigrain will gunk up in those little balls of doughy slop.

Vegemite deserves better than that.

Don’t cut off the crusts. Fold them up so you have a little vege-trough.

The amount of Vegemite you have should correlate directly to how hungover you are. The more Vege the more salt and vitamin B and the more your uneven post-booze pH levels will be neutralised.

Once the spread is perfected, arrange from least smooth to smoothest piece and eat in that order. Don’t be afraid to be a perfectionist.

If mum’s around. Get her to make it. It always tastes better.

Long live Vegemite 1.0.

Alex Dickinson is a reporter for MX. This article also appears there.

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28 comments

Show oldest | newest first

- Ben says:
  
  11:05am | 07/10/09
  
  Damn I’m hungry.
  
  Reply
- AFR says:
  
  11:08am | 07/10/09
  
  Alex, not sure if you were being serious, or a poor attmept at a humour piece - but i eat vegemite like most do - on bread, rolls, toast and other bread-type products. No need to over analyse.
  
  Reply
- Mick says:
  
  11:19am | 07/10/09
  
  AFR, you are a peanut.
  
  Bang on Alex about the need to be ready and raring at the toaster for optimal butter meltage. It’s also advised to only take the piece of toast you are immediately buttering, so the toaster’s residual heat keeps the other one warm.
  
  Bizarrely though, while this is my preferred method, te rare occasions I get to visit my oldies, and I come home after a big night, the inch-thick marg and vegemite on cold toast that my mum manages to wake up and create is among the world’s great flavour sensations.
  
  Reply
- Tim says:
  
  11:23am | 07/10/09
  
  Vegemite is the most disgusting product on the planet.
  It should be fed to suspected terrorists as a torture technique.
  
  Reply
- WK says:
  
  11:30am | 07/10/09
  
  I have never tried Vegemite in my life.
  
  Reply
- Little Miss Sci Fi says:
  
  11:51am | 07/10/09
  
  I think I’m in love with you.
  
  Reply
- Voltaire says:
  
  11:59am | 07/10/09
  
  Funnily enough only true-blue Aussies love Vegemite.
  What’s wrong with you Tim?
  Are you from o/s?
  
  Reply
- Danny says:
  
  12:11pm | 07/10/09
  
  I am strange, I like my toast a bit cold so the butter doesn’t melt too much. Then I smear the Vegemite from crust to crust, thick as I can handle.
  
  Loved this article.
  
  Reply
- Tim says:
  
  12:39pm | 07/10/09
  
  Voltaire, fair crack of the whip.
  Why would True Blue Aussies love a foreign owned product?
  I could sh*t in a jar and it would taste better than Vegemite.
  
  Reply
- bullwinkle says:
  
  12:50pm | 07/10/09
  
  I’m a Aussie - fifth generation. Love a barbie, a beer, me missus and kids. Drive a ute, got a chainsaw, a ride on and a heap of other stuff in the shed. Wear RM Williams boots and a wide brimmed hat. Go to the footy every week. I’m an Aussie.
  
  But I can’t stand Vegemite. It’s poo in a jar. The smell makes my stomach churn. It’s just crap. As is the name iSnack2.0. Seriously, what the bloody hell is that all about? Cheesymite as a name is just, well, cheesy.
  
  Alex, I couldn’t give a fat rat’s clacker how you eat your Vegemite. Just don’t eat the frigging stuff near me.
  
  Reply
- Voltaire says:
  
  01:00pm | 07/10/09
  
  *Has mental image of someone trying to cr@p in a jar….*
  Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
  Why don’t you put aside the visuals and spread some “cheeseybite” on toast??
  It’s delish! Truly ruley.
  
  Reply
- Greg says:
  
  01:49pm | 07/10/09
  
  What happened to the original Vegemite. It used to be that a very small scrape was enough but now I need to use it like a thick spread to make it taste strong enough. I think they added some sort or filler a few years ago to make us use more and thus buy more. Again a money grabbing ploy by the vendors.
  
  Reply
- Brendon says:
  
  01:52pm | 07/10/09
  
  Just popped out to grab a jar of V1. And some cheese slices and crackers.
  Lunch time!
  
  Reply
- Chappo says:
  
  02:33pm | 07/10/09
  
  I like my Vegemite straight, no butter, on hot toast. I know that’s going to cause controversy, but honestly butter just ruins it.
  
  Reply
- DEBORAH says:
  
  02:40pm | 07/10/09
  
  No matter how much you luv your vegemite on toast, sandwiches etc. I still at 41yo just luv vegemite between to salada crackers with plenty of butter, so that it squishes out through the tiny little holes… Mmmm… Enjoy peanut butter like that too. Mmmmm….
  
  Hey, Bullwinkle what’s on the menu for dinner tonight ?? Witchety Grubb Soup??? LOL…
  
  Reply
- Shell says:
  
  02:44pm | 07/10/09
  
  I nearly cried when I read this ode to Ver 1.0. So beautiful and touching; such a deserving muse.
  Until 12 months ago, I ate Vegemite on Toast for breakfast everyday - I was addicted. Then, on 10 October 2008, I was diagnosed with Coeliac’s Disease. Turns out my affection for the black gold and my extreme rate of ingestion triggered my now serious intolerance to gluten.
  The only thing I’ve cried over is Vegemite: I can live without Tim Tams, Milo and WeetBix; But I can’t live without Vegemite, and, I must confess, since my diagnosis, I’m now a regular Vegemite Sniffer.
  
  Reply
- SJ says:
  
  03:30pm | 07/10/09
  
  Alex c’mon mate, seriously - “The one that you can’t trawl a nice wad of veg out of without draping ur hand in brown.”
  
  Ur hand??
  
  Think you might mean YOUR hand!!
  
  Reply
- Eno says:
  
  03:33pm | 07/10/09
  
  I cannot tell you how disgusting it is to have to do Vegemite on Toast for the little guy (nearly 3) when the smell of the damn stuff makes you dry reach..
  
  Reply
- Keith says:
  
  03:46pm | 07/10/09
  
  As an old fart, (that’s how I’m described these days, gawd, they’ve got no respect,) Vegemite has saved me from many an unproductive manual labour (not, I hasten to add, Labor) day, giving me the vitamin (bloody hell, I can’t remember which one) requisite to soldier on, with my toasted soldiers, and the standard 2 softly boiled eggs, the Vege only lightly spread not to overwhelm the breakfast cuisine, and Shell, mon ami, your’re in my thoughts.
  
  Reply
- bullwinkle says:
  
  04:08pm | 07/10/09
  
  @ Deborah
  
  You eat witchetty grubs raw, you nong, but they’re good with a touch of sweet chilli sauce! Witchetty grub soup. Hmmph, I’ve never heard of the like.
  
  Probably have bangers and mashed spuds for tea, followed by a couple of coldies and have a captain cook at what’s on the idiot box.
  
  Reply
- Samantha says:
  
  08:23pm | 07/10/09
  
  Vegemite on sao biscuits with lots of butter, thats the best. Cant get sao’s O/S though but we do get vegemite and getting others to try it always makes me laugh.
  
  Reply
- Mac says:
  
  03:10am | 08/10/09
  
  still reckon that they shoudl have just paid out Baker’s Delight and called it Cheesymite
  
  Reply
- DEBORAH says:
  
  06:24am | 08/10/09
  
  Bullwinkle maybe you need to do some googling me dear. My father was given a tin of Witchetty Grub soup in the eighties. And, you can still buy it places around Aus. Mind you the tin sat in the pantry for many years. Noone was game enough to try it.
  
  Reply
- David says:
  
  09:06am | 08/10/09
  
  Typical of the Yanks though, they buy/steal an item/product and they have to either rename/change it and they reckon they cant stand the stuff. Well the answer is simple give our National icon back you dropkicks. A true Aussie was brought up on the great vegemite, we dont give a stuff what you think after all you people have that crap sarsparella, so think twice before you do anything like this again (oh you did with our UGG BOOTS) and you barstards are supposed to be our allies (bullshit) this is an INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT and VEGEGATE should be opened and where is our Prime Ministers standing on this he should be demanding the return of our icons or we go to war.. STUFF THE YANKS GIVE US OUR VEGEMITE BACK.
  
  Reply
- Susan says:
  
  11:08am | 08/10/09
  
  David
  I once tried to get Kraft executives to import Vegemite to US. They told me they had tried and Americans didn’t like it. My American husband loves both the original and the new Cheesymite on toasted English muffins.
  
  Reply
- JC says:
  
  12:36pm | 08/10/09
  
  I can eat Vegemite any way - straight on warm toast, under scambled eggs on toast, under baked beans on toast, and even a nice thin layer topped of with a couple of slices of fresh tomato! This is defiantly what puts the rose on my cheeks.
  Mmmm… it must be lunch time!
  
  Reply
- Reg says:
  
  04:57pm | 09/10/09
  
  I draw the line at melting the butter into the toast. The idea is to put the cold butter thickly on a small section of the hot toast and then slap lashings of Vegemite on the butter. Bite immediately then repeat. Susan, Aussie butter is amazingly better than US butter and is the secret added ingredient. Don’t know why. I had to carry several kilos to the US in a cold pack to prove this to my friends. Then the US customs nearly ruined everything when they attempted to squash the loaf of bread into the cold pack. Oh ... did I mention the black label Bega Cheese? I’m not too peeved that Kraft rejected my suggestion of FauxDinkummite.
  
  Reply
- Adam MacLeod says:
  
  04:03pm | 28/10/09
  
  My partner is trying to indoctrinate our kids onto Promite.
  What should I do?
  
  Reply